Victims of betrayal trauma in marriage need a safe place to share their stories, ask questions, and receive support. Too many women spend months, years, even decades isolated in their trauma. Or get help from therapists who don’t understand this type of emotional and psychological abuse.
To discover if the betrayal trauma you’ve experienced includes emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
When His Years of Betrayal In Marriage Harms You
For years, Nikki’s husband betrayed her with his infidelity and consistent emotional abuse. Like many abusers, Nikki’s husband conditioned her to feel ashamed for needing help with betrayal trauma in marriage.
An integral part of building a foundation of safety and peace is education about what betrayal trauma in marriage really means.
Attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session is essential, because victims can ask questions and get truthful and healthy answers. Victims can also process their betrayal without judgment, and learn to protect themselves from harm.
Transcript: Betrayal Trauma In Marriage
Anne: Today we have a member of our community, we’re going to call her Nikki. She’s from Australia. Welcome Nikki. So, tell me your story. Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first?
Nikki: Not at all. Goodness me, no. I was 15, just had my 16th birthday when I met my husband. I was in the UK. And we’ve been together ever since. I was six months pregnant with our first child. And he bought this little black bag home. And I hadn’t seen it before. We weren’t living together at the time. And he brought it back into my little flat, and being curious, opened it, and there was all this horrible material in there.
And said to him, this is not what I want as part of my life. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, and he said, “Oh, I’ll get rid of it, I’ll get rid of it.” And there were other bits in this bag, which just baffled me. I was just horrified, and the next day I went into labor because I was just that traumatized, I guess.
So from that point, it kind of never stopped. I would continually find magazines under the couch. I mean, we tried getting help before we’d gone to several pastors who were basically just more about the codependent model. But I’d done nothing except to protect myself from betrayal trauma in my marrriage.
Anne: And try to protect your marriage, right? It creates betrayal trauma from infidelity.
Nikki: Yeah, and I didn’t want our children to spend time with me and then time with him, because he’d gone down the rabbit hole. I didn’t want there to be a point where he was left with them alone.
Life in Australia, Lack of Support & Self-Education
Anne: Where do you live in Australia?
Nikki: I live in Melbourne, Victoria, but I’m from Tasmania.
Anne: Okay, how do you feel like the support is there?
Nikki: None, I have struggled to find anybody in this field that can help. So no, I never recognized the abuse, not until I started educating myself. And then it was when I came across the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Facebook page that I knew that what he was doing was abuse, and I was experiencing betrayal trauma in my marriage.
Anne: Before you found BTR, when you were trying to get help, what types of things did you do to try and like, improve?
Nikki: Yep, I thought if I looked better, if I tried harder, if I loved him more, you know, I learned the love languages. I was always trying to improve myself, and even going to counseling to try and improve something. Yeah, I took it on board, but I think that’s much more to do with how I was raised to be a better wife. And then he wouldn’t do this thing.
Anne: There is so much you don’t know, there are so many powerful truths about emotional abuse. So you knew about the watching stuff online. Did you recognize the other types of abusive behaviors, like lying, manipulation, and gaslighting as betrayal trauma in marriage? Could you identify those back in the day? Or did you not realize all that was going on too?
Nikki: I knew there was lying and manipulation. Because that kind of goes hand in hand with sneaky behavior, doesn’t it? Yeah, it wasn’t until the internet came about and you could Google this kind of stuff that I became aware of it. It wasn’t until much later in our marriage.
Realizing Common Advice Doesn’t Work With Betrayal Trauma In Marriage
Anne: So when did you realize that common marriage advice, look good, love, serve, forgive, make sure dinner’s on the table, make sure the house is clean, you know, that sort of thing? People say marriage is hard work, and unless it’s abusive it’s just not true. And when did you realize that common marriage advice was not working and that the betrayal trauma in your marriage was not improving?
Nikki: Probably about 20 years ago.
Anne: And how long have you been married?
Nikki: We’ve been married about 27 years.
Anne: Okay, so seven years in, you realize, wait a minute, this isn’t working. What helped you realize that?
Nikki: I think it was shortly after we’d had intercourse, and I walked in and found him looking at stuff. I actually thought he deliberately tried to hurt me.
Anne: And when you thought that, he deliberately attempts to hurt me, you also didn’t think abuse way back then.
Nikki: No, not at all. It’s only the abuse part has been, I think, the last six years that I’ve seen his actions as being abusive.
Anne: Why do you think it takes so long for victims of emotional and psychological abuse and this type of coercion to understand the reality of their situation.
Nikki: Trauma, I think our brain sits in trauma because the person you most trust, the person you think will never hurt you, is doing it.
And I think it’s protection. I mean, I can’t speak for everyone, I can only speak for me. Because whatever your circumstance is, there’s a part of you that needs to protect your own mind and yourself. Sometimes it’s about time. Your brain or your body is just not ready to realize that this is what it is.
Crisis Point & Finding Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Anne: There’s also this education factor. You don’t have an abuse class in high school. Along with math and English, right? So many people think they understand abuse because they’ve seen a TV show where a guy beats up his wife, and they’re like, that’s what abuse is. And they don’t recognize all the different covert ways in a marriage that you can be abused and end up with betrayal trauma.
Nikki: I think it’s the gaslighting as well. Because it’s been so long in my marriage. It’s like, oh, no, I must have misunderstood what he said. Oh, no, he’s right. I’ve got that wrong. Oh, okay. I thought you meant this, but you actually meant this way. Oh, all right. So you’re second guessing yourself all the time.
Anne: What were you looking for online when you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery on Facebook?
Nikki: I hit a crisis point. The crisis point brought me to the fact that I was trying to seek some kind of support basically anywhere, because here in Australia it’s like, oh you’ll be right mate. So whoever you spoke to thought you were being prissy. It just wasn’t cutting it. I just felt so deeply ashamed and hurt that I needed some kind of support and wasn’t getting it in the real world. So when I came across the group, it changed the way I view my whole life.
Anne: So you started attending the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group sessions, can you tell us about your experience?
Knowledge Is Power With Betrayal Trauma In Marriage
Nikki: Knowing that I’m not alone. Because I’ve always taught our children that knowledge is power. Once you have power, you can change the way you operate, change the way you do things. So for me, that’s been the greatest thing, being informed. And then being able to research that and having the facts behind it. Which has been a great thing.
Anne: Being educated about betrayal trauma in marriage brings so much confidence. Because the gaslighting, you’re like, Is this me? Is this real? What’s going on? And if you don’t have words for it, you can never fully define it to someone else. And so, they’ll give you typical things, like, Well, you just must be stressed.
Or maybe, don’t worry, it’ll get better. Things like that. Because you’re not able to say what’s happening with betrayal trauma in marriage. So getting educated, you can actually talk about it. Having words to describe it immediately helps people understand what’s happening. It also helps victims understand what is going on. Because there’s so much confusion.
Nikki: Yeah, for me, what I’m experiencing now, because I’ve been in this for a long time. And there’s been a lot of game playing. on his behalf, and I’ve just realized my body is actually physically, it’s started coming out. I’ve developed really bad tinnitus, which is a physical representation of what’s going on in the outside world.
Betrayal Trauma In Marriage Has An Impact on Physical & Mental Health
Nikki: And also, I find my brain is not working the same. As I’ve got older. And I think that’s because of the trauma that’s gone on throughout our whole marriage and childhood. My brain’s got to the point where it’s like, I don’t want to work anymore. I don’t want to hold this memory, or it just phases out or disassociates, which I know is part of the trauma. But it’s frustrating.
Anne: I can imagine. How old are you now?
Nikki: I’m 47. We have five children. They’re all adults now. Thank you, God, they survived. They’re pretty good people, but we’ve got four boys, one girl. And my children growing up, they’d ask him a question, and he wouldn’t respond. They’d always be, Oh, we’re going to go to the sensible parent. Meaning that we’re gonna go see mum.
Anne: He wouldn’t respond because he was distracted or he just couldn’t focus?
Nikki: I don’t know if he didn’t know the answer. So he didn’t want to look silly, so he’d muck about. Because I think his use of online material stunted his intellectual growth. He must have been about 14, I think. And I always developed critical thinking in our children. You know, I told them to think about the wheres, whys, and what fors of any situation.
And because he didn’t develop that skill, the children kind of overtook him in their thinking and emotional development. He just really frustrated them.
Anne: That makes sense. In terms of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, the education and support you’ve received helped you make different choices about how you interact with him.
Taking My Power Back With Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Nikki: I no longer buy into his BS. Like, if I ask him a question and I know he’s done something, I know that whatever comes out of his mouth will be a lie. I state my case, I drop it, I walk away, and I allow him time to be truthful, and no longer check up on him, because I found that, oh my goodness me, it was driving me nuts. I felt like I was chasing my whole life, and I was trying to catch him out playing detective, and it just doesn’t work.
It just, for me anyway, and I understand there is some control, especially early on when you’re still buying into the gaslighting. But now I’m at a point where it’s like, you know what, you do you. I’ve gone out and I’m back in to work full time. I’m just living my life. to the best of my ability. And the group, like the conversations in the group, and the information in the group, helped me see that.
And so yeah, I’m grateful for that, because it’s given me my life back, and enabled me to take my power back as a woman, if that makes sense.
Anne: It makes sense. So we talk about boundaries to help yourself heal from betrayal trauma in your marriage a lot at Betrayal Trauma Recovery and in the BTR group. Many people who don’t listen to the podcast, I would say, or misunderstand what we do, accuse me of being pro divorce or a man hater or something like that. Or that Betrayal Trauma Recovery is just a place where if you go there, you’re going to end up bitter and angry.
Boundaries & Misconceptions With Betrayal Trauma In Relationships
Anne: You are still married. Would you speak to that a little bit and talk about how do you see Betrayal Trauma Recovery? Like, I see us as a safety first organization, right? Your safety is the most important thing, and you can figure out what that looks like in your own life. But could you talk to that point?
Nikki: I’ve never seen you say get a divorce or be a man hater. You lay the facts out as they are. Whatever a woman does with that is their choice, their option. Yeah, what you promote though is, are you safe? Are you okay?
Anne: We have to walk this fine line, because when we talk about abuse, many people want to say, well, you should only encourage them to leave, like immediately.
Then there’s the addiction recovery people. They’re like, no, you should be nice and understanding. Don’t shame them, don’t make any decisions. And know they’re sick. And how can you help them? So we’re not on that side for sure, but I’m right in this section where I want to give people correct information and say, your safety is the most important thing.
And I am not living in your shoes. I’m not living in your home. I don’t know all your specific circumstances. So I trust every woman, every victim, to make. The best decisions about her particular situation. So I think that’s one thing that I’m wondering is, do you feel supported in your circumstances and where you are right now in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery group? Do you feel accepted for the decisions you’re making?
Complexities Of Abuse Will Cause Confusion
Nikki: Yeah, people will always speak from their own inner knowledge or feelings, I think. So whatever you put out on a group. Expect that response from that aspect. You take what you can and leave what you don’t need.
Like you said, you’re the only one who knows what’s happening within the relationship. So yeah, I feel supported because I take what I need from it, because I am the only one that knows what’s happening and why I stay within my marriage. We’ve got a lot of financial obligations together. You know, we still have grandchildren that would visit, Grandad, and I’d much prefer to be around.
So I know why I stay within my marriage. And I think it’s up to every individual person to make that decision.
Anne: People who haven’t been through it, or people who have, I mean, it’s just a lot more complex than I think anybody can even wrap their head around. It’s such a complex situation and it unfolds over time. So not everything can be decided in a split second.
Nikki: Everything feels split second when you’re in it though, doesn’t it?
Anne: It does. And it feels like you have to, it feels like you have to decide or know everything. There’s this overwhelming desire to resolve things as quickly as possible, whatever resolution means or whatever fixing it means, but it’s impossible to resolve or fix quickly, right? This is a very, very long-term complex problem.
Nikki: You know, we’ve found a therapist, we’ve thrown all the money we can at him.
Anne: So you’re still with a man who’s continuing to exhibit emotionally abusive behaviors.
Future Hopes To Make The Best Of My Life
Anne: How do you feel right now?
Nikki: Oh boy, okay, so we’ve just had an episode, so everything’s a little bit raw for me just now. Because he’s what I think of as a surface person. He wants everything to look great on the outside, that everything’s going well, and that he’s doing underhanded things, and he gets off knowing that he’s getting away with it. So when he becomes overly nice, I then become on guard, and I wait for the next influx of abuse, emotional abuse.
He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t do any of that, he just becomes very quiet. We had, we’ll say, six months of nice. And so I was waiting for it. So we just discovered, and so we’re just going through that now, and he hasn’t gone back to see his therapist. So he’s just waiting to go back to see her, but it’s difficult, because I don’t know what she’s saying to him, or whether he’s telling her partial truths.
Have I reached some kind of peace within myself? There is peace around our marriage and our life? No, there isn’t peace. I’m making do with what I’ve got because of circumstance. And that’s awful to say, because it feels like a half life.
Anne: Do you feel like you’re progressing toward something? Even though current circumstances are what they are? Do you hope for the future?
Nikki: I’ve got a lot of hope for my future, because I’ll make the best of my life no matter what. For our marriage and for us together, we will have to make a step either away, and I don’t think it’s going to be too long down the road. There will be a conversation with my grown children.
There Will Always Be Complexity In A Marriage With Betrayal Trauma
Nikki: They know about his addiction. I just don’t think they realize how far he’s gone within that addiction. Yep, I’ve got peace in me, but within our marriage, not sure. We’ve got a few big decisions ahead of us, which will affect many outcomes for myself, my daughter, and him.
Anne: Well, that is what is so awesome. If I can praise Betrayal Trauma Recovery about BTR, is that we get it. We get it. We get how complex it is, we get that it takes a long time, sometimes. You know what the right thing is or what the thing is you want to do, not necessarily the right thing, but it’s not the right time or other factors, right?
There are so many complexities. And having someone who understands and be supportive is helpful. Should we call it that with a long-term trial like this? What should we call it? A long-term problem.
What would you tell other women? Let’s say what you went through in your early 30s, so if someone’s listening. And that’s where they’re at. Let’s say they’ve just discovered pornography for the first time.
Nikki: Oh my goodness. I’m sorry this is your journey. Get help. Get immediate help. Find a good support network. Find somebody you trust. That you can tell absolutely anything to. And will not judge. And will just be there for you.
Find that one person. And walk beside them, and let them walk beside you. Because that’s the best thing you can do for you, to heal you. And know that it’s not your fault. Know that he made choices that have affected both of your lives. It’s just not your fault, though.
Knowing About Abusive Marriages Helps With Betrayal Trauma
Nikki: And don’t try and fix him.
Anne: Oh, we’ve all done that.
Nikki: Yep, if we just do this, if I look a bit prettier if I wear this lingerie. If I do that risky behavior that he would like me to do, that’ll make him happy, and he won’t do it anymore.
Anne: When women go down that road, they end up doing it more. Or he wants it more, right? There’s no end to it.
Nikki: Oh, he wants a bit more freaky. The indulging of their immature behaviors, their man child silliness. And I think that’s something we don’t realize, isn’t it? Is it that they get themselves stuck emotionally at the age they start using? So what you’re actually doing is complying with a teenager, a child. And so, and what happens when a child doesn’t get what it wants?
It tantrums. And unfortunately, a man tantrum has a bigger impact, because they’re disposable, to play with like income or whatever it is, you know, that’s protecting the family.
Anne: Yeah, well, and also their tantrums are way more sophisticated, right? They might not scream, yell and punch the wall, although some of them do that. But their tantrum might look nice and kind when behind your back they’re spending $10,000 of their retirement.
Nikki: Yeah, or they’ve got a hidden phone, so they’re happy to show you the phone they’ve got. And all the while feeling proud of themselves that they’ve got a hidden phone, and that’s what gets them off.
Anne: Exactly.
When You Need Love, Attend Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group
Anne: Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and spending time with us today.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is that amazing place where you can be yourself and understood. Is there anything else that you would like to share about the group or about BTR that you have found helpful?
Nikki: For me, in the early stages and now as sort of, I won’t say a veteran, but I’ve been there for a while. This is the place you go to when you need to feel heard, you need to feel safe, you need to reach out. You know, or you just need somebody to say, Hey, I’m here for you. Or you need to feel loved. Because this group, for me anyway, has provided that. Get in contact. You know, try and join the group, because it’s just, if you want to feel loved, this is where it’s at.
Anne: That’s good to hear. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is love. They can make choices due to that love and confidence to get them to safety. That’s the whole goal.
Nikki: To know you’re not alone and that the crazy making that happens, sometimes this group, has helped me unravel that craziness. This is going on, and in your head, because they’ve gaslighted you so much, you’re forever double guessing your own mind, to notice that you go in there and somebody says, yep, that’s normal. My husband does that.
It’s like, it’s what they do, it’s one of their little tactics, and you just come away thinking, Oh, okay. And you can take a big sigh of relief to think, Oh, I’m not that crazy after all.
There is Hope After Betrayal Trauma In Marriage
Anne: Yeah, no, you are not. You are beautiful, amazing, competent woman. It’s a cool place to be, right? It’s a cool club to be in. With all these awesome women. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story today, and we’ll see you in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group.
Nikki: Thank you, Anne.
I need your help !!
See our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule to see if any of the session times work for you.
I need help. I just found out my husband has been lying to me.
Hop on our daily, online support group for victim’s of emotional abuse.
I need help but I’m scared because I’ve been blamed by everyone. I can’t be called crazy again.
You are NOT crazy. You are BETRAYED. Betrayal Trauma Group Sessions were the best thing I ever did. It was the only thing that helped after years of couple therapy!
This is what I’m going through too! He calls me crazy all the time
I need to get away for a short period of time to get the mental health and get sleep but don’t have the money or know where to go . I’ve been betrayed by my husband. He had an emotional long affair with coworker and they still work together
I feel like I am dying..slowly the most painful and I don’t feel heard and all I do is cry or try to “auto-pilot” for my girls. I want to go back to being stupid-blind…anything.
I’ve been searching the internet to find something to show my husband that explains what I’m going through. Now I can’t stop crying! You understand and know. Now I’m scared to show my husband this….
Anna, our recommendation is that you do NOT show your husband this. Use this information to work your way to safety – confronting him will not bring safety or change:). Please consider attending our BTR Group Sessions to learn more about how to get to emotional and psychological safety.
Hi i just saw this and said the same thing.
I experienced my first ‘d-day’ over 25 years ago. Another maybe 15 years ago.Wondering if healing can happen after all this time since we are still married? Your podcasts are healing to listen to. Thank you.
Healing is possible. It’s a long road, but there is hope! I’m so glad you’re finding the podcasts to be helpful!
Wow, I can’t even really explain correctly how I feel reading this. It’s like you were there, and know him and I. I’m sad, confused and heartbroken. I need help.
Elizabeth, we recommend that you start by joining Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group for immediate support:).
I think I’m experiencing betrayal trauma but it’s hard because I’m not sure my husband can be labeled as an addict. His online infidelity over the years has me feeling interchangeable and worthless, and he can’t seem to fully give it up, No matter how bad it hurts me. but he’s very reluctant to say he’s an addict cause his use is so infrequent. But i feel crazy. Scared. Weepy. Disconnected. Desperate. Am I overreacting? How long am I going to feel this way?
You are not over-reacting. You’re actually a victim of psychological abuse and coercion. Have you considered joining an online support group?
You are absolutely not overreacting and all of your feelings are valid and make perfect sense. Your husband sounds like he is in denial. “Infrequent” use can absolutely still be an addiction—if he can’t control his acting out despite the harm he knows he’s causing. It’s also possible he’s telling you it’s infrequent when it’s more than that (my husband’s case anyway). Your post was 5 months ago and I hope you’re finding the help you need. Betrayal is traumatizing no matter if it’s infrequent or frequent. It feels the same.
I remember feeling like I would NEVER heal from the betrayal trauma, like I was just stuck in this dark hole and couldn’t see a way out. But once I found BTR, I finally started to feel a little hope that maybe, just maybe, I could heal one day. It’s still hard, but now I know I’m not alone, and there’s a path forward. Stay strong and keep listening to your gut. You are not crazy.
All of this applies to me. I had no idea betrayal trauma was a thing!
I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through!
Marc, Amen! I’m glad you spoke up. Tho I understand that their audience is women only. I recently spoke with my therapist because I’m concerned about men who are being betrayed and abused by women or being abused in same relationships. What support is out there for men?
I recently brought up this to the group that I’m a female, in a same relationship, and asked them if they would consider acknowledging that women are abusers too. They brushed over my question and suggested that I listen to their podcasts. Yes, the information is helpful, but it’s not just men who are abusive.
For the longest time, I was so worried I would NEVER heal from betrayal trauma. I felt so stuck and hopeless, honestly like I’d never be able to move forward. But now that I found BTR, I feel like there’s finally hope I can heal one day. It’s been such a relief, even just to know I’m not alone in this.
How can a woman feel “Safe and Secure” in a Betrayal and Trauma recovery group when the group is unwilling to acknowledge that women are experiencing betrayal and abuse by another woman in same domestic relationships?
I understand your concern. Women can be abusive. But because abusers accuse their victims of abuse. So hearing someone accuse another woman of abuse is triggery for women. Was this in a professionally facilitated group or the free peer-to-peer facebook group?
I had a very significant dream just months before the 3rd discovery in my 32 years married. My husband, the addict, I discovered in a lie in Aug 2018. He is in weekly 12 step for the last 9 years. In “working” recovery, answering all my questions with lies straight to my face looking me in the eyes over the last 8 years. I’m so broken. Feel free to contact me via email.
I am divorced since last year and I still struggle with my own emotions. It mixes with anger, betrayal, guilt, sadness, and depression. I am taking bupropion daily to control my depression, attending consular session every Thursday, working out almost daily to exhaust myself physically, volunteering as much as I can to occupy my free time, but once I sit in the car driving, my tears just like a water hose open by itself and I can’t stop the crying. My ex cheated on me several time and somehow we worked it out each time and kept our marriage even though I threaten for a divorce. I used to think it is our destiny to stay together and have a child all this time. Until last year, I threaten for a divorce and moved out of the house because my anger and sadness, he DID file the paper after my signature. 2 months after, I realized what I have done and begged him to get back together for our son. He told me in face coldly that he is much happier now and he doesn’t want to go back. I broke completely in my heart and just want to sleep not getting up anymore. The pain is too much for me and I couldn’t take care of my son but hurting him emotionally. I want to move on and find myself again! I want to love my son unconditionally! But this pain and grief inside me are tearing me apart!!
Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you found us.
I have found this info absolutely amazing with one very strong caveat. My husband is not an addict he is a run of the mill alcoholic who has done an extensive amount of damage. Everything here describes far better than anything else what I am going through – far better than alanon or co-dependency. I was so scared I would NEVER heal from this betrayal trauma. I felt like I was completely broken and there was no hope for me. But now that I found BTR, I feel like maybe – just maybe – I can heal one day. It effectively means that this type of help is unavailable to me and yet I need it so desperately…. but now I finally feel like I might not be alone and that I can get through this somehow.
This applies to anyone in an abusive relationship – which is sounds like you’re experiencing. So yes! We can help:).
Thank you for speaking out on such a tough subject! Self-care is easier taught than lived in on-going trauma. I really appreciate hearing Trish’s views and story!
Thanks for your comment. It’s amazing how difficult self-care is when healing from emotional and psychological abuse and ongoing sexual coercion!
I need this support right now and I will keep listening . It is helpful to understand all that I have been through and recovering from right now. I am on the other side of most of the pain and trying to heal. Learning how important self-care is to our health has been monumental. I am still in the process. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for listening!
I also want to say, the pandemic made me stop and realize the hamster wheel of stress that I was on as a reaction to the relationship stress. Jackson McKenzie calls it,” The Protective Self”. I was in survival mode and taking on far too much in my life. It wasn’t what I needed to be doing ( to the extent I had taken my work.) I appreciate this information about self-care so I can decipher what I really need to heal. And so, I have letting myself have some downtime, hiking in nature , etc. It has been so much more effective. And, now, I am seeing how I can create a balance. YES!!!
Thank you for sharing your experience with emotional abuse!
I have all the symptoms and I’m falling apart it’s really bad 17 years and I dont feel like it I can heal from it each day its worst still the betrayal and mental abuse I dont know how to leave him and I’m scared to lose hi to someone else. Broke up with me tonight for going to the doctor with out saying anything to him I only felt if I said anything I wouldn’t go and put it off for another day. I’m losing my mind and feel lifeless
Please consider joining our daily, online support group for victims of emotional abuse.
Feeling like I am not living an authentic life anymore. Nearly 30 years together and I feel like I am living with a stranger.
I think he is a serial cheat, but have no concrete proof of physical infidelity. Certainly there have been inappropriate dalliances over the years which are only just coming to light after all my snooping. Long story short-my beloved partner had life threatening cancer and surgery, then I discovered flirtatious messages from one woman and gifts he’d bought for another woman (but I stupidly assumed they were for the same woman). He confessed to planning an affair and said he was glad I’d found out as I was precious and things wouldn’t have been the same.
I was already reeling from the trauma of nearly losing him to cancer and then THIS! Something didn’t add up so I did some digging and then to my horror found e-mails going back years with romantic and dirty conversations and a list of women’s names- at least 20 of them! I have now compiled a dossier of them all. What on earth for? I must be crazy. Every time I have tried to express my emotional distress I get told to draw a line under it or he makes it clear such discussions are making him feel ill so I end up feeling even worse.
I have done so much screaming and crying, but I don’t believe he has any real understanding of the devastation he has caused. I have googled ‘narcissism’ until my brain aches. I feel like all my precious memories of our life with our son (now 23) have been one long lie. I am hyper-vigilant, can’t stop snooping even though because I feel so unsafe. It is nearly 2 years since D-Day and I swing from rage to sorrow every day. To complicate things I am having to translate everything into English as this is not his first language. I am exhausted. Sorry for my long rant but I feel so alone as I have only shared this with very few people and I don’t want to keep banging on about it. Will I ever be the person I once was? Thank you for listening.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. We understand this sort of pain here. We’re so glad you found us. Have you considered joining our daily, online support group for this type of psychological abuse?
I am right there with you. My son is 22 years old and my first discovery of my husband’s online infidelity with proof was 5 years ago. My husband was not ill and the more I researched the more I found all the way back to the beginning.
The lies even with proof, the gaslighting and switch to focus on my imperfections, and his anger to shut me up is so overwhelming. He will admit to some things always minimizing and playing the victim, but never honestly face the truth or my devastation. He said he was sorry and took so-called responsibility, but it is to never be addressed again I just need to “get over it”.
He seems to be stepping up and being the man he should have been for 25 years, but all the nice things he does and constant caring and concern seem to hurt more – like he is just burying his bad behavior and all the empty stories should be forgotten just like my pain of realizing over half my life has been a lie. Knowing that all of this is abuse has helped my healing exponentially.
Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I am with you too. Your words struck such a chord-especially the parts about your husband lying even with proof, minimizing and not facing the truth. Not knowing everything is driving me crazy. The scenarios I am now imagining are far worse than any truth could be. And yes, how do we begin to move forward when looking back at our lives is so excruciatingly painful when faced with the cold fact that it was fake and we were taken for a fool.
I so hope you are doing ok in this new painful reality we seem to find ourselves in. I read somewhere that we have 3 possible choices after betrayal- to become bitter, to go mad or to grow. I wish you love and strength on your path.x
Your comment we have three choices in unfortunately a misogynistic trope: we will be angry (bitter) – if we weren’t, we would go crazy:). One of my goals is to help women embrace their anger to get to emotional and psychological safety. So please, never worry about “being bitter”. The anger will dissolve once you are safe.
Men generally tell women not to be “bitter” when they are justified in their anger and the abuse hasn’t stopped yet. It’s usually a manipulation tactic to gaslight them. So please, be angry! Be bitter even:). So in this case there is only ONE possible choice: get to real, true emotional and psychological safety. That should be your only goal right now.
I was once there. You are not alone. Please get help in the form of BTR online groups, books, podcasts, websites. Trauma Mama is one of the best books on betrayal trauma out there. BREATHE. And know you are loved. You are in betrayal trauma and you need rescued. You cannot swim to shore alone. You need a life boat. All of the things I listed can be your life boat. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
After reading everyone’s stories I feel a small sense of relief that I’m not alone. My husband has been betraying me in our marriage for 24 years. I’m so confused about whether to stay and ride it out or divorce him. He has threatened divorce all our marriage. After finding out about his lies he turned it around on me and didn’t talk to me for 3 days. He threatened to divorce me. He calls me all kinds of names and tries to make me feel like I’m at fault. He calks me crazy and delusional even after finding out he had a secret phone number. The cursing and name calling is too much! I can go on there’s so much to say…
I’ve bought Trust Again and am currently reading it. I would love to join the BTR community, it’s a wonderful idea and I desperately need support.
Our betrayal trauma checklist outlines steps to help you get support:). Hugs!
I found out in January that my husband was using this stuff online again. This time he agreed to get help. Since then, he has a female partner at work that he has deleted text from, she’s texted him on days off from their 24 hour shifts, and he gets angry that he’s trying so hard and that I can’t be more kind. I get enraged. This is not who I am but I am constantly shifting between anger, severe depression, crying, doubt. I am ineffective at living in general. Will we ever get better? I don’t want to always be mean to him.
Instead of worrying about whether or not you are being mean to him, take some time to consider if you are emotionally safe. Usually when victims are emotionally safe, they can begin to relax.
I’ve been cheated many times in our 17 years of married life. Both emotionally and in ways that just broke my heart. I doubt our whole married life. I wonder if he’s ever loved me. I just was confirmed about another of his affairs yesterday. I feel like I’m in a roller coaster. One moment I want to stay in this marriage for my kids. The next moment, I’m feeling so low and helpless and wanted to leave him. All this while I’m being blamed by him for causing an unnecessary rift in the family since I bring up the affair and confront him. For so long, I was terrified I’d never heal from this betrayal, that this pain would just be my life forever. But now that I found BTR, I feel like maybe healing is possible. Like there’s hope I can get through this someday. How do I even get out of this with 2 kids? I don’t know what I feel anymore. I feel stupid that I love him still and sometimes, I don’t want to leave him. But BTR is helping me see I’m not alone in this. It’s giving me hope.
You’re not stupid. We totally get it. The pain of the situation is almost unbearable. We are here for you.
Thanks for sharing. I’m in the same situation.
I discovered my husband’s infidelity one week after I moved home after a three-month separation.
I had agreed to move home after an intensive couple’s therapy weekend, during which he swore to me and the therapist that he had never “crossed the line.”
One week later I found evidence of a year-long affair, complete with conversations about marriage. Then about a month later, I found evidence of another affair, this one lasting EIGHT YEARS (the last year of it was at the same time as the other one…so he actually had TWO mistresses when he was begging me to come home).
He cut all ties with the woman with whom he had the shorter affair, but lied to me for another two years about continued contact with the other woman. I feel humiliated and completely ashamed of my life, so much so that I have distanced myself emotionally from family and friends.
When I first agreed to come home he promised that we would go to therapy as long as either of us felt it was necessary…a promise that he quickly broke. Now not only will he not go to couple’s counseling, but he also tells me repeatedly that he does not want me to go either. So I have not shared the true story of all the things that have happened between us (this post barely scratches the surface) with anyone…not a single friend, family member, or therapist. We have been married for 30 years, and after learning what was really going on in his life for the last decade, I am extremely doubtful that he was faithful during the first 20 years. I don’t know how to untangle myself from this mess!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this type of abuse for years, and that you’re just realizing the extent of all of it. Welcome. We are here for you! Have you considered our daily, live, online group for betrayal trauma?
I’m going through the same thing!!!
I have been betrayed by a coach from Visible Ministries (found out one of the coaches has been coaching my husband to leave the marriage). How utterly devastating!
I have been working my way through the Betrayal Trauma of my husband’s 45 year addiction for the last 10 months. I’ve been attending BTR Group Sessions and they are helping me heal SO MUCH faster. It’s so much different (and better) than therapy!
My husband is minimizing and mocking my stress of the betrayal. There is a serious lack of qualified counselors and therapists that can offer the type of help we need. In the mean time my husband has his zoom accountability group who do not take the marriage and wife damage seriously. I’m so disgusted by the supposedly Christian Recovery group that minimized, blames and makes light of the situation. WE as BETRAYED SPOUSES NEED REAL HELP and supportive husbands who have single-handedly set out to destroy our marriages.
If you don’t like the group setting, have you considered scheduling an individual session with one of our coaches? You can schedule a session by clicking here.
I live in Bakersfield, Ca and I need help with over coming my husband’s addition.
We recommend our daily online group sessions to help you process your situation – when you say husband’s “addiction” to exploiting women – what you’re actually experiencing is emotional and psychological abuse.
i need help please
You can access a BTR Group Session today!
I’m in DESPERATE need of help and support of any kind. I am struggling to survive through unimaginable trauma each and every day. I suffered silently and unknowingly in a horribly abusive (emotional, psychological, mental, verbal, and financial abuse) marriage for 11 years. Five months ago, he threw me out of our home knowing I had nowhere to go. He had a lawyer and a “case” against me long before this, and by telling blatant lies, he had my two children taken from me. I will never recover fully from the scene of that night, nor will my children. I was a stay-at-home mom, spent every second with my children their entire lives. Now, I have no money, no home, no kids, no pets, no belongings, and NO HELP. I can’t get a lawyer or a therapist because I can’t afford them.
For a long time, I thought I would NEVER heal from the betrayal trauma. The pain, the lies, the manipulation—it was all too much. I couldn’t see a way out. I felt like I was drowning every single day, just barely making it through. But then I found BTR, and for the first time, I felt some hope. I’m not healed yet, but I finally believe that I can be one day. BTR has already started to help me see things differently, and now I don’t feel so alone in this nightmare. It’s giving me hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to rebuild my life.
I had no idea that there were so many people like me. I’ve been alone, trying to figure out how to get better on my own because I can’t tell anyone. It’s not working.
Welcome! We recommend women attend our daily, online group sessions.
I am currently going through the most horrific divorce from my husband/abuser of 11 years. I became chronically ill 10 years ago, after suffering the first MAJOR betrayal trauma when I discovered my husband had been cheating with strangers while I was at home caring for our newborn son, our first child. I was a stay-at-home mom, homemaker, for our entire marriage and had no access to our family finances whatsoever.
I think if you go to a womens shelter they frequently offer free counseling and will help you get on your feet.
Have you been able to attend a BTR group since this post?
I have seen your post on Facebook and it hits hard right now. I am trying to not drown while getting out of an emotional and psychological abusive relationship and even my kids haven taken a hard tole. But it’s hard! Your words and video post mean so much!
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?
I really hope and pray that Nikki can find her strength and courage to leave her husband and have a full life in her timing. She sounds remarkable and she has so much life to live with her children and grandchildren. God bless her.