After the discovery of betrayal, life may feel overwhelming. If you’re looking for recovery after betrayal, here are your next 3 Steps.
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Here’s How To Find Recovery After Betrayal
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Transcript: Recovery After Betrayal
Anne: It’s just me today. I want to go back in time to when I was completely overwhelmed. Then I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know where to turn. Doing my dishes seemed impossible. Being a single parent, trying to have a job that would support my three young children. My oldest was six, then I had a three-year-old and an 11 month old. It was almost impossible to even function. I was so overwhelmed.
At the time, I went to S Anon and did 12 step. Even though he was arrested, my sponsor told me I was too prideful. And then I had all these character defects that had contributed to my husband’s addiction. And that if I focused on asking God to remove my character defects, maybe somehow I would solve my half of the equation. In my mind, I thought maybe this could save my family. So I was unnecessarily traumatized, even more.
At first, some days I would start crying and I couldn’t stop. Then one day my six year old son pulled up the vacuum. He pretended like the vacuum was a microphone. And I have a recording. Of what he sang to me that day. And you can hear his three-year-old brother interrupt him. Then my three-year-old decided to stop interrupting his older brother. And just drum to make his contribution. It takes me back to that time.
A Touching Moment with My Children
6 Year Old Son: Oh, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to cry. If someone’s mean to you,
3 Year Old Son: Telling you to do, it doesn’t know if no one finds you crying,
6 Year Old Son: If you cry,
3 Year Old Son: Ends up crying this year.
6 Year Old Son: Whenever you’re feeling sad, it’s okay to cry. Whenever you’re feeling sad, it’s okay. And if you are a little baby, you can still cry. If you’re really, really old, you still can cry. If you’re really, really, really young, you still can cry. Yay! I love you, Mom.
Anne: He was so brave and so strong. Now he’s over six feet tall. And he’s doing well. And he is such a good person. I love my children, they are so close to me. I don’t think I ever would have had the relationship I have with them if my ex-husband would’ve stayed in our home. It had to start with healthy boundaries. So if I’m reaching out across the void to you and you’re overwhelmed. Just let me sit here in this overwhelm with you.
So, if you have no idea how you’re going to pay the bills, if you have no idea how you’re going to protect yourself. If every option seems terrible. I’ve been there, it felt like I couldn’t even say anything. Speaking the truth was getting me in trouble. And I didn’t know how to do anything else. There was no other option for me. It was maddening.
Realizations and New Beginnings
Anne: So today, remembering how it felt. So grateful that I had that experience. After a year of 12 step I started realizing that it wasn’t addiction. My husband was abusive. And then I started podcasting and I started interviewing you. Women who listened and wanted to share their stories too. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Through all the interviews, I started seeing very clear patterns. And then I started experimenting on those strategies.
I prayed and pondered how do I set boundaries. I followed those strategies, and I got myself and my children to safety. I started podcasting in 2016. And the start date will look different now, because I’ve removed a lot of episodes. At first, I was giving bad information. And I needed to remove that. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Like I’d been hurt. And now. I’m not overwhelmed anymore. My life is beautiful and peaceful. Even though now I have confident, funny teenagers.
And even though my life is peaceful. I want to be here with you in your overwhelm. Right now, when you’re going through what I went through, I can be here with you now. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. Thank you so much for supporting me. On my journey as I’ve been healing. And we’re here for you too. We have the best emotional abuse support groups online. We can help you because of my experience seeing what actually works.
Steps to Recovery and Support
Anne: So there are three steps. For recovery after betrayal. And I put them on a downloadable PDF, so you could see them and click on it. So go to btr.org/steps it’s just a free downloadable PDF. Start there, we all had to take one step at a time. We’re here for you.
So – my husband was into a lot of stuff for decades – but when I found out about his actual affairs I set a boundary. No more of it. I would discover it for a few more years until I made plans to leave him and then he stopped. Except for googling gorgeous (fully clothed) actresses.
Due to my trauma, I was just as hurt and angry. I also found photos of his high school girlfriend at graduation – he’d slept with her twice after we were married. He claimed he was only interested in it as his mother, sister, and brother were also in the picture and it was a family memory. Again, not explicit, but I felt awful – especially since he hadn’t told me.
Now I’m trying to recover after all the betrayal. It’s been such a long road just trying to get my footing back. Some days feel impossible because I’m overwhelmed with mistrust and hurt. I feel like I can’t even trust myself anymore, like I’m stuck questioning everything.
This is crazy making. I can’t really say he has an addiction to anything – and I end up looking like the crazy one! What category does “looking at pretty actresses and old girlfriends” fall into? And how to set a boundary? I’m done “snooping”! I just want to heal and move forward.
It goes in the category of emotional and psychological abuse. I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through due to his abuse. We’re so glad you found us! We recommend our daily, online BTR Group Sessions.