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My Husband Cheated On Me With a Man

by | Betrayal Trauma

is my husband gay

My husband cheated on me with guys and it shattered me. This is my story.

From the outside, my marriage seemed like a picture-perfect storybook romance, filled with love, laughter, and shared dreams. But behind closed doors, the cracks were beginning to show. I didn’t know it yet, but the castle I thought we’d built would soon collapse.

My name is Sarah*, and this how I unraveled the truth hidden beneath the surface of my seemingly perfect marriage.

A Seemingly Unbreakable Bond

I met Michael in college and from the moment our eyes met, I felt he was the one. We shared a bond that felt unbreakable. On our wedding day, I wrote in my journal that no matter what trials came our way, our love was strong enough to make it through anything.

Yet, as the years passed, I began to notice subtle shifts in Michael’s behavior – late nights at the office, secretive phone calls, and growing emotional distance. I tried to ignore the nagging voice in the back of my mind, but eventually I couldn’t anymore.

The Moment of Discovery

When I’d try to talk to Michael, he’d put it back on me, “Sarah, you’re so anxious. Stop projecting your insecurities onto me.” Things like that. I felt crazy.

But one night Michael left his phone on the dresser while he was showering. It was unlocked, so I opened it up and felt guided, somehow, to check his messages. I couldn’t breathe.

“My Husband Cheated On Me With Men. Over and Over and Over Again.’

The man I had trusted with my heart had betrayed me. Over and over and over again. Graphic emails both to and from this several men that he obviously had been cheating on me with for a long time… my hands were shaking and I was soaking wet with cold sweat. Everything I’d ever believed in was shattered.

I tried to talk to him that night, but I cried and sobbed and shook. I couldn’t form coherent sentences. He saw his phone in my hand and even though I’m sure he knew that I knew, he played dumb and honestly, that made it worse. Around 3 AM, I was on my knees, begging him to just end the pain and admit to it.

He didn’t. He left the house and didn’t come back for three days.

Michael’s Response to Sarah’s Discovery

When he came home, he didn’t apologize for lying to me, living a double life, or the health risk of him having sex with other people that I didn’t know about. In fact, he was hostile and defensive. He treated me like a stranger. He denied everything, accused me of “spying on him,” and told me that he wanted a divorce.

It took time for me to overcome the shame for this, but at that point, I still wanted to try to work it out. I asked him to reconsider, and try counseling to see if we could keep our marriage alive.

“Why Did My Husband Cheat On Me With Men? Is It My Fault?”

During this time, I had so much to process. I blamed myself for his affairs: I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t exciting or sexual enough, I hadn’t been intellectually stimulating and so he’d sought out men because he was bored…

I endured many sleepless nights on my computer trying to understand what I’d done wrong and if I could get my marriage back.

Somehow, I ended up stumbling on a BTR article about gaslighting. I’d never heard that term before. But as I read the article in the early hours of the morning, it dawned on me: this was an abusive marriage. He’d been abusing me.

My Husband Cheated On Me With Men – He Also Gaslit Me, Lied To, & Manipulated Me

I spent the next several hours before work listening to The BTR.ORG Podcast. I learned everything I could about gaslighting, sexual coercion, intimate betrayal, and betrayal trauma. I realized that I’d been experiencing emotional and psychological abuse for most of my marriage and I’d been contorting myself into a smaller and smaller person to keep Michael “happy” without any thought to what I needed.

My Husband Cheated Because HE Had a Problem

I finally felt not crazy. Validated. I was suffering from betrayal trauma. Michael had cheated because he had a problem – not because I wasn’t good enough.

It’s taken a long time. Years. But I do feel like I’ve forgiven Michael for his choices. I haven’t spoken to him since our divorce was finalized (we do not share children). On occasion, mutual friends tell me bits and pieces about his life, and I honestly hope for the best for him.

“As for me, I feel beautiful every day.”

As for me, I feel beautiful every day (and I don’t have a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect skin – I’m very beautifully ordinary!), I prioritize my emotional safety about everything, and I’m very careful to surround myself with people who treat me well. I still experience triggers, but I worked hard with my BTR coach to develop strategies to be able to regulate myself when I feel myself getting triggered.

Betrayal is Not About You. It’s About Him.

I’m sharing my story because I know there are others out there. If your husband cheated on you with a man or men, it can feel so shameful and isolating. Please know that betrayal is not about you. It’s about him. I hope my story offers you hope.

Though the road ahead sometimes feels uncertain, I walk it with courage, compassion, and unwavering self-love, knowing that accepting and loving who I am is the greatest gift I can give myself.

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