If your husband has been unfaithful, here are the 13 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity you NEED to know.
1. Not Educating Yourself on Abuse
Cheating isn’t just about breaking trust—it can hurt your feelings, your mind, and even your money. Understanding how this kind of hurt works can help you see the bad patterns and keep yourself safe.
To see if you experienced emotional abuse in conjunction with his infidelity, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
2. Ignoring Emotional and Psychological Safety
Not having clear emotional and mental boundaries can make you feel unsafe. Safety isn’t just about your body—it’s also about making sure your partner treats you with respect and takes responsibility for their actions.
3. Believing Words Over Actions
A lot of people pay attention to what others say, like apologies or promises, instead of what they do. But actions are more important than words, so always watch what someone does—it tells you the truth. These are mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
4. Thinking Communication Will Solve Everything
Communication can’t fix abuse and infidelity, no matter how much a couple therapist or clergy tells you otherwise. His infidelity had nothing to do with communication.
He used communication to trick and lie to you. Pay attention to what he does, not just what you feel, so you don’t get tricked again.
5. Not Getting The Right Support
Going through this alone—or with someone who doesn’t see how he’s being hurtful—can lead to a lot of pain and confusion for a long time. Get help from people who understand betrayal and emotional abuse.
6. Suppressing Your Gut Feelings
If something feels off, trust it. Your instincts are there for a reason.
Ignoring what your gut tells you can cause more problems. If he says everything is fine but you feel like something is wrong, trust yourself.
7. Believing They’ll Change Without Proof
Your partner’s promises to “do better” need to be backed by tangible, consistent changes over time.
8. Accepting Minimization and Blame
Abusive men try to make their bad actions seem smaller or blame you instead. If he makes excuses for cheating, he’s just trying to trick you. It’s not your fault.
9. Mistaking Forgiveness For Reconciliation
Forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. In fact, it’s the opposite. When you release someone from the debt they owe you, you can move away from them.
If someone tells you that forgiving will bring you closer to him, they don’t really get what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is about letting him go, not holding on.
10. Not Recognizing Coercion and Control
Lying and cheating are ways some people try to stay in control. That’s why cheating can be a type of abuse. Whether it’s about money, feelings, or trust, you can’t fix things with your husband if he won’t give up control and treat you fairly.
Not perceiving of his coercion and control are probably the biggest mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
11. Focusing on Fixing the Marriage Instead of Safety
Before worrying about your marriage, make sure you feel safe and okay emotionally and mentally.
You can’t feel better in a place where you don’t feel safe.
12. Not Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are important to keep yourself safe. They don’t solve the problem, but they give you space to decide what is okay for you and your happiness.
To learn more about what to do to move forward, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
13. Trying to Handle Everything Alone
Cheating, lying, and being treated badly can make you feel alone. To keep from getting hurt again, know these mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
Rebuilding after cheating is about feeling safe, calm, and clear about your life again. Focus on healing yourself first, and only get help from people who understand that cheating can be a kind of abuse.
I’m so grateful to find somewhere that understands! I had so much trauma when my pastor counseled me to reconcile after infidelity. But I didn’t know why it wasn’t until I found BTR that I understood I had the words to describe why.
Yes! Lisa Taylor gave that info. You’re likely to find it in her book titled: Beyond Betrayal.