Mothers often ask, “How can I help my daughter avoid teenage abuse?” Lucy is on the BTR.ORG podcast, sharing her insights as a 19-year-old, new in the dating world, with helpful insights for mothers. In this interview, she shares her list of “red flags” that she made with the help of her mother. You can help your child avoid teenage abuse in relationships by having regular discussions about what red flags she can look out for in potential dating partners.
Some “Red Flags” you may want to discuss with your teen include:
- Coercion, including coercion, that can include guilting, sulking, shaming, and subtly conditioning victims to participate in sexual activities.
- Manipulation, lying, and gaslighting.
- A preoccupation with their phone.
- Any degree of violence, including harming objects or animals.
How to Help Abused Teens
Teens may find it easier to engage in healthy relationships and avoid teenage abuse when adults encourage them to focus on their own goals. Rather than spending time and energy seeking out dating opportunities, teens can use that time and energy to learn healthy habits and behaviors and develop a strong sense of self.
Your teenager needs help identifying the abuse, have them take our free emotional abuse quiz. This quiz will also teach them the 19 different types of emotional abuse. Teens, like all victims of abuse, deserve to be validated, not blamed. Parents can help teen victims by:
- Developing a safety plan to make sure that the abuser no longer has access to them.
- Validating the victim’s experience.
- Reassuring the victim that they’re not at fault.
- Allowing the victim to talk openly about their experience, without judgement or blame.
Transcript: How To Help Your Daughter Avoid Teenage Abuse
Anne: Lucy is on today’s episode. She is 19 years old. So Lucy’s mom is interested in betrayal trauma stuff and has been talking to her about this. And because Lucy is 19 and dating, she’s been thinking about teenage abuse, and teen dating violence in relation to her mother. We don’t often have 19 year old women on the podcast.
But we do have a lot of women who are in relationships that are covertly emotionally abusive and psychologically abusive, and they are concerned about their kids. So Lucy, as you’re dating, what red flags do you look for when you consider dating somebody?
Lucy: Yeah, I have, let’s see.
Red Flag 1: Lack of Deep Conversations
Lucy: I have ten written down, and the first one is if he can’t hold a deep conversation.
Red Flag 2: Phone Obsession
Lucy: Two, if he’s on his phone a lot when y’all are together instead of interacting with you.
Red Flag 3: Phone Privacy Issues
Lucy: Three, if he does not let you have his phone passcode and or freaks out when you go near his phone. Because that typically means he has something to hide. Some will say that’s a violation of his privacy. But oh my gosh, considering all the perversion, corruption, and trouble someone can get into on the internet. You better believe I’m going to need access to your phone.
And if we were in the same room right now, and you asked for my phone passcode, I would give it to you. Because I don’t think phones were made to be these little boxes of our hidden secret worlds. And I don’t know, if you don’t have anything to hide, I think you should share that.
Red Flag 4: Health Consciousness
Lucy: Number four, if he is not health conscious, if he does not eat well and or exercise.
Red Flag 5: Promises to Change
Lucy: Five, if the guy you’re into has issues and is claiming that he will change for you. It doesn’t, it never works out. Move on.
Red Flag 6: Handling Bad Days
Lucy: Number six, if he doesn’t respond well to you on your bad days. Does he manipulate the situation? Does he gaslight? Take note to how he reacts to your reactions.
Red Flag 7: Words vs. Actions
Lucy: Number seven, if his words don’t match his actions.
Red Flag 8: Aggressive Jealousy
Lucy: Number eight, aggressive jealousy.
Red Flag 9: Lack of Goals & Hobbies
Lucy: 9, he has no goals for himself, doesn’t believe in anything important, and or lacks healthy hobbies. And number 10.
Red Flag 10: Overdependence
Lucy: He’s overly dependent on you and doesn’t have other close relationships.
Anne: Those are really good. How have those helped you thus far?
Avoid Teenage Abuse: Focus On Your Own Goals
Lucy: Yeah, so actually I’ve never dated before.
Anne: You have not been able to implement your list yet.
Lucy: But also, I’m not looking to date right now either. Like, I’m not looking for a relationship. You know, I’m 19. I’m Pursuing my surfing, my music, and all this other stuff. So like in the defense of men, I’m not on the search for a relationship right now. Not that I, you know, don’t want that in the future, but I just don’t think that needs to be my priority right now.
Anne: I don’t know if it ever needs to be a priority. Yeah, and the reason I say that is because if you fill your own life with things that you love, and goals that you have. And someone comes along, and they are kind, they’re your friend, respectful, and all that. It would happen naturally. But actually seeking it out seems dangerous to me. Because it feels vulnerable when you’re trying to find something, when you feel like you’re lacking something. https://www.btr.org/husband-is-holding-me-back/
Because it’s very easy for someone to step into that place and say, oh, well, I can be that for you. They may or may not have those qualities. And so it’s a vulnerable place to try and go look for something. This may be a way your boyfriend or husband could hold you back. I think it’s much safer to live your own life, hold your head up and focus on your own goals.
Lucy: I agree with all that, yeah, 100%.
Red Flags To End A Relationship
Anne: Knowing you haven’t dated before, if that came about for you. Let’s just say you began dating. What red flags would make you end a relationship? While you’re avoiding teenage abuse. Are those same things on your list, or do you have other things?
Lucy: No, so the ones I just talked about and went over are more so ones that would make me put my guard up and maybe hold back a little bit. Things that I would just look out for. But not necessarily end it right there and then. Because you know, there are different situations and scenarios, as dating progresses. What red flags would I look out for? I’ve got five that I wrote down. I’ve got a lot of red flags.
Red Flag 1: Addictions & Mental Health
Lucy: So number one if he has addictions that are undealt with. And current, whether that’s alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, drug use or smoking or anything like that. And also an untreated mental illness, such as bipolar or a personality disorder or something like that.
Anne: So you may not know, right? They might have an addiction or personality disorder, or they might just be abusive and blame it on that stuff. This is what to look out for in narcissistic abuse.
Lucy: Yeah.
Anne: So that’s something to think about. That like, if somebody has a personality disorder or addiction, you might not find out about it for years or you may never find out about it.
Lucy: Yeah, even talking to other women who have dealt with a man with addictions. And talking to other women and people who know the signs. I think it is a good thing to do to ensure you see the signs of somebody with an addiction. Hearing from other people who have dealt with that.
Red Flag 2: Lack of Control
Lucy: And number two is that he does not have control over his sex drive. And this is like culture like, what? That’s impossible, you know what I mean? But, I believe pornography is one of the most devastating things ever hitting humanity. And I could go on and on about this topic alone. Genuinely, people’s lack of self control over their urges has caused more destruction in my life than anything else.
So if a man watches it or has a history of watching it and has not seriously addressed it and recovered from that, that is a deal breaker for me. Because I can’t have any more destruction in my life caused by that specific thing. So that is a huge one for me. It’s not popular but …
Anne: Talk about that. Because you’re on TikTok and a surfer. So you’re in your swimsuit, because that’s what you wear when you’re a surfer. And you’re 19 and super cute. So talk about what kind of pushback you get on TikTok for having that stance.
Lucy: Honestly, not a lot. I haven’t posted a lot on this specifically. One reason is because TikTok takes down videos that are too harsh or whatever, which is annoying. But the video I posted about dating and my standards, I honestly, got more positive comments than negative.
Red Flag 3: Toxic Relationships
Lucy: So number three, If a man remains in a toxic relationship with other people, such as friends, work partners, or family. And if he’s close to dangerous, narcissistic, abusive people. Because that always affects the people they’re close to. So, unless he has set very firm boundaries. To keep both him and the woman he’s interested in safe from that toxic, abusive person, that is also a deal breaker.
Lucy’s Influences and Teen Abuse Red Flag List Creation
Anne: Did your mom help you or are these things you just came up with? Talk about how you came up with these lists to avoid abuse.
Lucy: No, she didn’t help me write these specifically, as I was in my kitchen writing them down. But she and I have a lot of juicy conversations about all these types of stuff. So I feel like we kind of balance ideas off each other. So did she help me specifically write these down? No, but yes, she did absolutely impact my view on all this.
And she helped me and gave me ideas if I missed something. She said like, oh you should add this or that, and I was like, oh, you’re right. I have so much to say on this stuff. So it was pretty easy for me to come up with some juicy opinions.
Anne: I’m 45 when I was 19, my list was like, he’s cute. He is active in my church. He wants to have a good job. And he’s not abusive. That was about it. Just like a general, like, he’s not a jerk kind of stuff. But trying to figure out who was a jerk and who wasn’t a jerk was more difficult, because I didn’t understand gaslighting. I didn’t understand grooming, manipulation and all the other stuff.
It was easy to see who was an obvious jerk. It was harder to see, and it is for women of all ages. All the women listening to this podcast are like, yeah, it’s harder to see grooming when they have a goal. It’s almost impossible to view it for what it is unless you know what you’re looking for. And also that you give it time to observe and don’t listen to their words.
Differences Between A Nice Guy & A Good Guy
Lucy: You know, there’s a difference between a nice guy and a good guy. And I learned that a while ago. Sometimes a guy can act nice, but there are important aspects to a good guy that make him dateable and honestly marriage material.
Anne: My sister’s husband is a good guy. I respect him. He’s a good dad. He’s a good husband, but he doesn’t strike people anywhere as nice, but she married him at age 19.
Lucy: Yeah.
Anne: I’ve thought about that quite a bit. Like his top priority is his wife and his kids. And he’s not so worried about, you know, what people at church think of him or he’s nice at his job. I’m not saying he’s like a jerk, but image management and making sure people think he’s a good guy is not even on his radar.
Lucy: Yeah, I love that. And I know men like that. I can totally resonate with what you’re saying. Because I know a handful of good men who aren’t bubbly and huggy. But they’re actually genuinely good men behind closed doors and with their wives and family,
Anne: And for women in abusive relationships, it’s the opposite. They go out and their husband is nice. And everyone thinks he’s a great guy, but behind closed doors, things are off, and he might even be “nice” at home. But he’s lying and manipulating. So it doesn’t feel right, even if he’s not screaming and yelling or something like that. So you had a video go viral.
Avoid Teenage Abuse: Viral Video & Dating Standards
Anne: In that video, you shared why you aren’t willing to settle for less than you deserve in a partner. Why do you think that video went viral?
Lucy: I think my views on dating and my standards and boundaries are pretty drastic for this day and age. I think a lot of people hear my standards and opinions on dating, and they think I’m ridiculous. That I expect too much, and specifically expect too much out of boys and men. I think people are also thirsty for a new take and opinion on dating, because over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
That’s a scary statistic. I mean, that’s one out of two. I think clearly we’re doing something wrong. Because relationships don’t always work out, and it’s sad to see. So I think ultimately that video did well, because I think deep down, we all want that kind of relationship that lasts. And believe in that original plan for men and women to live wholly fulfilling lives. And I think deep down, all people want that.
So I don’t think people have high standards going into dating, and I think that sets them up for failure. I heard something once that said, if you don’t believe in anything, you fall for anything. And this is such a sexualized culture, I mean explicit material, masturbation, it’s all so normalized now.
And so to hear somebody talk about self control, it’s like, wait, what? That’s a thing? So yeah, I don’t think people think about it that much about standards and, like, going into it in a holy way.
Religious Standards
Anne: Are you religious?
Lucy: I am, yeah.
Anne: Christian?
Lucy: Yeah, I’m a Christian.
Anne: Do you feel like other Christians your age feel that way, or do they just talk the talk? But they don’t actually believe it, or what’s your thought about that?
Lucy: I think people in the Christian worlds and secular worlds are doing something wrong, too, unfortunately. And I think many Christians do talk the talk and not walk the walk, like you said, which is sad. Which makes teenage abuse more prevalent.
So culture’s gonna hate this one. My biggest piece of advice for that is, be very slow to be intimately involved. It is a very bonding act, and even just physical affection in general. I think it is really bonding, and when you’re discerning whether a man is a safe partner. I don’t think you need that kind of attachment getting in your way.
Anne: I totally agree. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships. I saw some red flags, I did not know how to process them. I wasn’t capable of saying like, oh, this is abuse. It was more like, oh, he’s grumpy and this is happening. It’s weird. And so I attributed it to stress.
I wasn’t capable of processing it correctly. Now, after enough time with him realizing, wait a minute. He’s still acting like this. So that must not have been the reason, right? Like it took me a long time to figure it out. So many women who listen to this podcast have been married for 10, 20, 30 years.
Avoid Teenage Abuse: It Is Hard To Figure Out Emotional & Psychological Abuse
Anne: Mine was seven. My ex actually was arrested before I figured out what was going on. And so knowing that you may get involved in an abusive relationship because these things are hard to process. Or they’re hard to understand, or perceive. It’s okay if you find yourself in this situation. It’s not okay for you. The abuse is not okay. I’m not trying to say, it’s okay to be abused. I’m trying to say, don’t blame yourself. Don’t feel bad, right?
Think, oh, now I can see this, now I can process this, and now I know what to do. Now I know I can just separate myself from this type of harm and get myself to safety. So it could be psychological, emotional, or coercion, whatever it is. But knowing that these things take time to discover, I married my ex five months after meeting him online. And I’d only known him two months in person. It seemed like a dream come true, and it was not.
But I also know of women who dated their abusive husbands for years, like a year or two, before they got married. And everything seemed okay, and then they married, and it wasn’t. So knowing that you could do everything you can and still might end up in an abusive situation. And that it’s still not your fault. It’s never your fault if you’re abused.
Lucy: Absolutely, yeah, you’re never in the wrong for somebody else abusing you. Absolutely, these are just tools to help. People hopefully avoid it. Some of these guys are master manipulators.
Taking The Time To Make Sure
Lucy: It’s scary, and I’m not above it. I’ve been manipulated. I’ve been lied to. And sometimes you just leave a relationship feeling like, how did I fall for that? You know, how was I so blind? And in the end, you’re never wrong for caring. You’re never wrong for wanting to believe the best in somebody. They broke your trust. They did you wrong. That’s on them always.
Anne: I got married when I was 31, so at that point I was like, I know I’m not going to marry an abuser. I thought I asked all the right questions. You can try to avoid abuse, but be unsuccessful.
And then when it turned out he was, I felt really stupid. I asked him about pornography. I asked about all the things, and I thought I was marrying a good guy. And then when I found out he wasn’t, I felt really dumb. But I was lied to and manipulated, and that was not my fault. However, had I taken more time and not been in such a hurry, I may have been able to see it a little more. So that is something to be said.
Lucy: Yeah, and that’s also why I think it’s important to check their phone histories, to have their passcodes. And to randomly check their internet access, because people lie. You cannot take the word of these people, because trust is built over the span of years, proving to you that they’re trustworthy.
The day and age where you can just take somebody’s word for it after a month of knowing them. Even if you feel like you trust them. People are so good at manipulating, and you have to be extra careful and go that extra step to make sure.
Avoid Teen Abuse: Advice For Parents
Anne: That probably was always the case. The 50, 45 and 70 year old women listening to this podcast. They also needed to know. I think it’s always been the case. Today, the thing that has exploded is their capacity to lie because of phones and devices.
They’re much more capable of carrying on a double life or having a secret basement with explicit material or affairs. It’s easier today than ever. They don’t have to slink out of the house at three o’clock in the morning to pick up a magazine at the triple X store. They can access it on their phones. That has changed. From your perspective, is there anything you think parents should know to help their children who are dating?
Lucy: I don’t have a lot to say on this. You know, as a person who’s not a parent, I don’t want to give advice that I’m not sure will work, but I will say this. If you have a child and they have a device with internet, a cell phone, computer, or a video game of some kind. You’ve gotta have the passcodes to their devices and check them regularly.
Because, like I said before, kids can get into so much trouble and live different lives that their parents have no idea about. So you need access to what they’re into. That’s just the way it’s got to be.
Anne: I’m so grateful that you’re sharing your thoughts with us. You’re living your best life. It’s exciting, I’m excited for you. It sounds like you’ve got a good foundation to deal with anything that comes your way.
Lucy: Thank you, yeah. Thanks so much. I appreciate that. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.
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