For decades, men who choose to engage in problematic sexual behaviors have been treated as “sex addicts” according to the traditional Sexual Addiction Model. Tragically, professionals label victims as co-sex addicts, or codependents. Here’s what you need to know before scheduling an appointment with a “CSAT therapist near me.”
Betrayal Trauma Is Serious, Here’s Why
When CSATS and other experts mislabel betrayed women as co-addicts/codependents, they are minimizing the effects of betrayal trauma.
Dr. Minwalla describes the severity of betrayal trauma below:
I noticed that many of the symptoms [of betrayal trauma] appeared similar to rape trauma syndrome and symptoms of sexual trauma. I started to consider that maybe partners were actually trauma survivors rather than codependents.
Dr. Omar Minwalla
The Traditional CSAT Sex Addiction Model Mislabels and Blames Victims
Dr. Minwalla explains two major ways that the traditional sex addiction model harms victims:
- “The first major problem is that it’s actually a form of diagnostic mislabeling. It’s taking someone who’s been abused and has trauma symptoms and mischaracterizing it as codependency and as a disease called co-sex addiction. Remember: lying outright or by omission, deflecting and diverting, finding fault with the relationship or the partner, anger, intimidation, or threats are all cover-up behaviors utilized to maintain a secret sexual life and abusive to partners.”
- “The second major problem with that besides just a diagnostic mislabeling is that it actually blames a victim of abuse which ends up being harmful.”
Trauma Is Caused By Abuse, Not Addiction
Understanding and accepting that betrayed women are victims of trauma adds a further element of accountability to their unfaithful partners.
Trauma is a direct effect of abuse. By correctly labeling victims, perpetrators are held accountable for their abusive behaviors, rather than condoned or justified.
Many people can agree that partners experienced trauma. Naturally the implication is, If you can agree that they experienced trauma then why is it so hard for you to wrap your head around the fact that they’re a victim of abuse?”
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
The Traditional Sex Addiction Model Blames Victims
Simply using the idea of codependency was actually a form of victim blaming and was often re-injuring partners and confusing them and re-traumatizing them, and that it was clinically contraindicated. There were a lot of problems with not seeing trauma and taking someone who has been abused and has trauma symptoms and then only viewing them as a codependent, which often really doesn’t fit at all.
Dr. Omar Minwalla
When victims of betrayal are labeled as “codependents” a covert layer of blame is assigned to them. Societally, we understand that victim-blaming is wrong. As we use the correct terminology for victims, and accept research-backed truths about betrayal trauma, victim-blaming vanishes.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Supports Victims of Betrayal and Abuse
At BTR, we understand the devastation of re-traumatization when professionals label victims as “co-addicts” or “codependents”. This model is simply outdated and wrong, and at BTR, we treat every betrayed woman as a traumatized victim, in need of compassion, empowerment, and validation.
The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets daily in every time zone and offers victims a loving community of support. Join today.
Transcript
Transcript
Introduction and Heartbreak
Anne: It’s just me today.
It’s heartbreaking many women, who find this podcast have just found out that their husband is using porn. Or that he’s been secretly paying for sex with women who have been exploited. Otherwise known as prostitutes. or other secret sexual things .
The Sex Addiction Diagnosis
Anne: If this has happened to you, maybe you went to clergy and the clergy suggested that your husband is a sex addict,
or perhaps you went to therapy and a therapist suggested that he’s a pornography addict.
And that diagnosis probably makes sense to you because if he wasn’t some kind of sex addict, or porn addict, why would he have been lying to you for years about his porn use or other secret sexual behaviors?
And if you do a little bit of research, you’ll see that a lot of people recommend. A C-SAT a certified sexual addiction therapist.
The C-SAT Therapist Search
Anne: So thinking you might need to get your husband one of these therapists that specializes in sex addiction, you might Google c-SAT therapist near me.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to Google C-SAT therapist near me.
Like I don’t even think you should set up an appointment.
And the rest of this episode, we’ll explain why.
To understand why searching for a C-SAT therapist near me is not a good idea.
Understanding Codependency
Anne: We first need to talk about codependency.
Codependency came out of the chemical dependency scene in Minnesota, around the 1970s. That was when the term was originally used to describe some of the symptoms that people would have, who were closely related to, or in a relationship with someone with a chemical dependency problem.
The basic idea of codependency is that a codependent person is one who has quote unquote let another person’s behavior affect her.
Now, before I get any farther. I’m setting this all up for you to realize how wrong this is.
To know a little bit about what to expect when you go to a C-SAT.
Patrick Carnes and the C-SAT Certification
Anne: So the man who invented the C-SAT certification. His name is Patrick Carnes
patrick Carnes developed a certification for therapists called a certified sex addiction therapist or CSAT, which became the apparent gold standard in how to treat sex addiction. But then as the wives of these so-called addicts were exhibiting symptoms, he didn’t know how to help them.
So he adopted codependency as a way to diagnose and treat wives of sex addicts and argued that they had a disease just like the sex addicts,
he had a sex addiction and she was a codependent. And that he could treat them both at the same time, in the same setting.
Codependency vs. Co-Sex Addiction
Anne: But he hid this codependency under a new name and he had diagnosed these women as co sex addicts. But it basically meant the same thing as codependent.
Stephanie Carnes, prominent C-SAT and daughter of Patrick Carnes. has the definition of co sex addict in her book,
mending a shattered heart.
Stephanie Carnes’ Definition
Anne: In her book, she describes co-sex addiction as someone who is married to, or in a significant relationship with a sex addict. She says these so-called co addicts demonstrate behavioral characteristics, and these characteristics include denial, preoccupation, enabling, rescuing. Taking excessive responsibility, emotional turmoil, efforts to control,
compromise of self and sexual issues.
Diagnosing Codependency
Anne: So let’s talk about how codependency is diagnosed. One of the main diagnostic criteria for codependency is: that she’s trying to control the addict. And then Stephanie Carnes goes on to say like sex addiction, co addiction can range in severity. And then the quote unquote treatment.
For a co addict involves her learning how to stop letting the sex addicts actions affect her.
And recognizing that her efforts to control his behaviors are a part of her illness.
The Problem with C-SAT Therapists
Anne: So the main reason not to Google C-SAT therapists, near me to get an appointment with a C-SAT. Is that you don’t want to be diagnosed with some pathological problem when you’re trying to get help.
But let’s pretend like you do interview a bunch of C SATs and several of them tell you, “oh, you’re not codependent. You’re actually suffering from betrayal trauma”,
Betrayal Trauma vs. Codependency
Anne: which sounds good because betrayal trauma is the right term to use. Thank goodness it’s not a diagnosis. It’s just a normal way that healthy women react when they’re being abused.
So if they use this term betrayal trauma, you’re like, oh, I’ll be in good hands.
But the problem is they’re not using the right model. They’ve just slapped the right word on the same old codependent, co addict model. of quote-unquote treatment.
And so today, With everything that we know about abuse C-SAT therapists still use the codependent, co addict model
but instead of saying that she needs to recover from her codependency, they say that she needs to heal from her trauma.
And in order to heal from her trauma. What does she need to do?
And they’ll tell you the same thing. Not be affected by his actions. So it’s no different than codependency in terms of what they tell you to do
and how to interact with your abusive husband. They did not and do not identify your normal reaction to abuse as a result of his abuse. So let’s go through these symptoms one at a time.
The first one denial. They say, if you refuse to see your part in it, Then you’re in denial.
You’re not in denial. You were lied to. That’s a totally different than denial.
Preoccupation.
Well, of course you’re preoccupied. It’s not a sign that you’re sick. It’s a sign that you’re smart. You’re rightfully trying to make sure that you’re safe.
For example, if someone started to steal from your online bank account, And you notice a lot of money being taken. It would be normal to be preoccupied with checking your bank account every day. You might end up checking it several times a day. That would be a normal thing to do
They say that you’re enabling him by rescuing him. I don’t know what they’re talking about. You want to have a safe and peaceful home. And so you are resisting the abuse.
By trying to get him to stop abusing you because getting divorced feels very unsafe, breaking up. Your family feels unsafe.
That’s not rescuing him.
That is a safety seeking behavior because you are a completely normal person who loves her husband and wants to protect her family.
And ignoring the abuse. Is not going to protect you or your family and you know that. And so you’re going for help.
But then this help tells you that you’re the problem for going for help and you should just not be affected by his behavior.
Misogyny in Therapy
Anne: So it’s a very misogynistic way of basically silencing a victim to stop her from resisting the abuse so that he can continue to do whatever he’s going to do with how her complaining about it or doing anything about it. It’s extremely victim blaming and this type of therapy, traps victims into further abuse.
Taking excessive responsibility. Um, there’s anything wrong with taking responsibility for yourself.
They say that you have emotional turmoil, which is apparently a problem.
Your emotions are going to be all over the place because you’re being groomed. And then overtly abused, of course, a woman who is being abused is going to be emotionally dysregulated. That makes sense.
They’re saying that you are trying to control him. That’s not happening either. You are trying to create safety.
They’re saying you’re angry and that’s a bad thing. You’re angry and fantastic. You should be angry. They’re saying you have quote unquote sexual issues and Nope, you’re just a healthy person who doesn’t want to have sex with an abuser.
Symptoms of Abuse
Anne: She could also have physical symptoms. for example, Her husband who’s been cheating on her for years when he bought sex from a prostitute, then he doesn’t use protection with his wife.
A woman who gets. A sexually transmitted disease from her husband, who she thinks is monogamous. That’s going to bring all kinds of different emotions and reactions and all of them are normal.
Similarly, her physical safety is on the line here
Having a roof over her head, being able to parent her children. Being able to feed her children. These are also physical risks. She doesn’t want to be out on the street. Nursing a baby.
So to label her emotional reactions as a disease and be like, oh, why is she so angry? Oh, she needs to come at this healing from a place of compassion rather than anger. Is. Crazy. She should be angry.
The Reality of Abuse
Anne: Some women go numb.
When women go numb. A lot of people will be like, oh, you’re reacting to this really well.
It may sound like a compliment, but really it’s a veiled threat.
Like, oh, you’re reacting to this very well because you’re not reacting at all. Means, if you were reacting in any other way, like becoming angry or
having emotional ups and downs.
Getting up in front of your whole congregation and telling them the whole story. That that is inappropriate.
But being numb after abuse actually means
you’re frozen in a highly traumatized state and only functioning administratively and suppressing a lot of your deeper reactions for your own survival.
That’s not reacting. Quote unquote. Well, If they’re telling you that feeling numb is good.
And anger and uncontrollable crying is inappropriate
That can’t be right. That doesn’t even make sense.
because most victims do cycle through different stages of being numb. Crying. Being angry. The reality is that you’re resisting abuse the best way that you know, how at the time, not even understanding it’s abuse. And how you’re reacting makes sense.
Not ironically, she’s actually always been focused on her own emotional and psychological safety. That’s why she Googled “C-SAT therapist near me. That’s why she scheduled an appointment.
If her husband’s behaviors didn’t affect her, she wouldn’t be concerned about it. But a C-SAT will tell her that his actions are a result of his addiction and don’t have anything to do with her while simultaneously telling her she’s now suffering from pathological trauma that she needs to resolve so the marriage can heal. So to recap, this circus, a C-SAT therapist near you is going to tell you, this isn’t about you. He’s not doing it to hurt you. and to heal from the trauma from they never tell you what the trauma is from. You need to focus on. Not letting his behaviors affect you.
There’s no part of that. That makes sense.
Even though this has nothing to do with you.
This affects you.
It hurts you.
And you’re not part of the solution.
Anne: I find that most women who have spent a lot of time in couple therapy or in pornography addiction recovery therapy with their addicted husband
when they learn about emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion. They feel very validated. A lot of women write me and say how did I not know this was abuse? Why did the C-SAT therapist near me that I paid thousands of dollars to not identify what this actually is, which is: abuse.
Women resonate with the abuse model because they are abuse victims. And it’s the only thing that makes sense.
So after a victim listens to this podcast, she may go back to the addict or the C-SAT and say, “
“Hey, this is abuse. “
Even though you’re trying to get to safety and that’s the intent of confronting your abuser or telling his therapist that it’s abuse.
At BTR, we teach a safety strategy that helps you avoid confronting them.
Because in that case, both the addict and the abuser will deny it.. Or they’ll admit it. But it still won’t give you the right solution.
So let’s look at the first one, when they deny its abuse.
Most pornography addiction, recovery programs or sex addiction programs, whether the therapist is a C-SAT or not. We’ll push back because if it’s abuse, she doesn’t need therapy.
And if she doesn’t need to go to therapy, or she’s not involved somehow, her husband is not going to go to therapy.
And I want you to know the therapist may or may not know that it’s abuse. He might know it’s abuse, but avoid identifying it. Or he might not understand abuse at all and so he says it’s not abuse.
But when they refuse to call it abuse, for whatever reason.
The Ethical Dilemma
Anne: It’s because It’s unethical to treat a victim and a perpetrator in the same setting.
The second, the word abuse is brought up then they’ll have to basically say, I’m sorry, I can’t treat you because this is abuse. So they would have zero clients because it’s always abuse.
That would implode their entire practice. And what would they do for a living? That one is about money. And let’s look at the second one when they admit it. But they still don’t give you.
the right solution. So there’s about a one in a million chance that they are going to identify the abuse. And if they do, then the therapist does not want to lose you as a client.
They want to make money off of you. So they’re going to give you the impression.
that they can help him.
So they’re going to say. If you keep coming back and work together, he can stop his abusive behaviors as long as you’re willing to do your part in this relationship, too. And you’re going to be like, of course, because I want to save my family. They’re not going to say. to you, this is abuse and it’s unethical for me to treat an abuser and a victim.
And so I can’t see either of you.
See most C-SAT therapists are marriage and family therapists. And the foundation of their training is family systems, which means everybody has a part to play.
And it absolutely does take two people to create a healthy relationship, but it only takes one person to destroy that relationship.
A secret sexual life, lying, pathological manipulation, gaslighting grooming, deflection withdrawal, coverup, hiding, blaming. None of these things take two people to pull off. One person can do them all by themselves.
So whether the C-SAT does not identify the abuse at all and says, no, no, no, this is an abusive or the, identify the abuse and tell you, yes, it is abuse, and I can help you. Either way it is unethical.
Because the therapist should never, ever be the therapist to an abuser and his victim.
BTR’s Approach to Abuse
Anne: Here at betrayal trauma recovery, we don’t think victims of abuse are pathological. We don’t think that victims need treatment.
We think that victims need to be educated about emotional and psychological abuse.
and sexual coercion. And since victims are resisting the abuse by going for help, we teach them effective safety strategies.
Safety Strategies for Victims
Anne: She’s been resisting the abuse the whole time, trying to establish emotional and psychological safety in her home. She just didn’t realize that that’s what she was facing.
And not knowing that it was abuse and not knowing that what she was resisting was abuse. She did exactly what she was supposed to do. Which was to go for help. But the problem was the person that she went to for help. Did not help her. And that’s not her fault
at BTR,
we say to victims of abuse. Hey, you did great. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. You resisted abuse by going for help. You were trying to get to safety. Good job.
And no matter where you are in your journey to emotional and psychological safety.
There are safety strategies that work for everyone, no matter what their situation
Whether you’re still married, living with an abuser in your home, or even post divorce when you’re suffering from post-separation abuse. When he’s using your kids as pawns to continue to manipulate you.
Living Free Workshop
Anne: so I’ve created the living free workshop. If you go to
btr.org/livingfree
You can learn more about the living free workshop.
That will teach you safety strategies that work. As we’re learning these new safety strategies. It’s really important that we interact with other women who have been through this, who have experienced the same type of wounding and are able to hold our experience and our pain
and we can do that together in our betrayal trauma recovery group sessions. BTR.
That’s what we’re all about.
We’re here for you and we’re anxious to help you.
THIS.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I hope you will talk about the ways in which acting out partners weaponize co-dependency language to further blame shift and gaslight. It is the perfect ammunition, really.
I for one, gathered some support from attending COSA and reading COSA materials, interpreting it to fit my own sense of the situation. I decided that they were tools to help me find inner peace in this chaos and preserve my own personal integrity throughout. I did a few meetings, got what i needed in the beginning of the crisis, and went elsewhere for personal work and empowerment. The thing that has helped me the most was to recognize my situation through the lens of trauma (I hadn’t heard of the trauma lens for infidelity before but I was already studying trauma and I saw the fit instantly when I first went through my crisis beginning 5 years ago). What made me crazy throughout the past 5 years was that I was aware of what trauma-informed care looked like, but none of the 3 couples therapists we saw were practicing it. Thank you BTR and Dr. Minwalla. I don’t feel like I am fighting a solo fight anymore.
I also want to add that my partner’s gaslighting and psychological abusive behavior extended will into the years before sexually acting out. I now know what that was. I didn’t before.
Totally. Did your therapists claim to be trauma based? We find that most therapists claim it, but they don’t actually know what it really means or how do deal with a victim / perpetrator situation.
Anne, I can relate. Going through this now with my husband. Feel like I cannot get through this with his counselor and men’s group. Feeling like just can’t understand this conflict.
I found COSA about two years ago. My program changed over to ISA, and it has been amazing. The old ways exist, as there are members who have been there for years, AND there are members who truly believe (and quite possibly are) “codependent”. But the leadership and language of the group certainly now carries this betrayal trauma model. I am so thankful for this, for Omar Minwalla’s work, for my therapist Janice Caudill, for Anne Blythes raw personal experience and work. Most of us have absolutely experienced PTSD and Complex-PTSD, but we will not be victims forever! There is hope and healing!
When you continue this podcast topic about the therapist or the partner doesn’t know about the addiction, can you also include if the addict tells his wife that she can not bring up anything relating to his porn use. This was the case for me, where we went to see a therapist but I was told by my husband to not bring anything relating to that topic up so it ended up being very detrimental to me because the therapist said I was using sex as a way of controlling my husband. But in reality I was in trauma from my husbands behavior.
Yes, what you’re describing is coercive control – it’s a form of emotional abuse. When a man tells a woman what she can and can’t talk about, it’s abusive.
I learned about boundaries for the first time in a twelve-step group. For me, what was unhealthy was clinging to an addict who I knew was hurting me. I think understanding that I have a role in my response to situations is more empowering than saying I am just a victim. Yes, his addiction has nothing to do with me. I am not at fault. And my emotions (whether they include rage or despair) are not bad, they are natural. But if I respond to abuse by wanting comfort from no one but the abuser, by isolating myself, I am going to be in an unhealthy spot. I learned in 12-step groups to reach out and to surrender the addict to God. Surrendering him to God was the only thing that really could restore me to sanity, even after he stopped acting out. So maybe I have an illness caused purely by abuse. BUT, I have the power to recover from that illness, which is what the 12-steps tell me. I think that there can be a place in between these two models (betrayal trauma and co-dependency). I’m still exploring these ideas, but I really did feel like there was something empowering about understanding what I could do to control my life through the co-dependency model. I think boundaries are essential and victims 100% need to know that they are not responsible for abuse. But they are responsible for their own healing once they have resources, right?
Thank you for sharing! Women do have responsibility for setting boundaries, getting to safety, and to work toward healing, yes!
I was trying to find The Betrayal Trauma Podcast, and it led me to here. Now I have so many questions, obviously, a lot of my resentment is towards my ex, and his treatment of our children.
I’m a pleaser, and an empath, so I don’t react with “my way or the highway”. But how do protect my children when I find out that he doesn’t have food in the house, he isn’t providing for their basic needs, he’s negligent, or he calls them awful things, and so many more awful scenarios a narcissist puts their kids through.
My natural, normal reaction to my kids being neglected is seen as “co-dependent” by some people. Is my being there for them as a listener when they want to vent about their situation and discuss healthy ways to cope in their feelings a codependent reaction? How do I disassociate, to the point where I don’t feel the cortisol release in my system when my child says that they were suicidal because of things their father screamed, and did to them during the timeframe they were with him? That’s a big one! However, I feel the cortisol release in my system just seeing a notification that he sent me yet another email. Not anger, but fear, and pure preparation of having to be prepared for another attack.
I so badly want to heal, however, his behaviors bring a new situation to deal with on a weekly basis. My divorce was finalized on December 2 of last year nearly 2 years after filing. And I find myself now getting ready to go to a hearing next week because he wants to get out of child support obligations. The week before that, he returned back with the kids from their supposed spring break, turns out engagement get away with his affair partner, and returned home with one of my children having second-degree burns all over them that were bleeding. Rather than take him to the doctor himself, I had to take the following day to get a prescription. Obviously as a mom, if my child is burning and uncomfortable as well as bleeding, I would think it was a necessary reaction to take them to the doctor. However, I do have a huge resentment that their dad can’t just be a dad and look out for their well-being . I would so love help on this. Thank you so much for your podcasts. I have been adamantly listening to it since I discovered it prior to Christmas.
Hi, Joy! You’re absolutely not co-dependent. You’re just trying to protect your children. I’d recommend that you enroll in the BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop that helps victims learn how to communicate with their abusers in tactical and strategic ways to protect yourself.