If you’ve just discovered your husband lied to you and was cheating, what does the Bible say about cheating husbands? Here’s what you need to know.

Did you know that lying and cheating are emotional abuse? There are 19 types of emotional abuse. In addition to cheating, see if you’re also experiencing emotional abuse by taking our free emotional abuse quiz.

Here’s What The Bible Says About Adultery

Exodus 20:14 – Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Matthew 5:28 – 28 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

2 Corinthians 6:14,17 – Be ye not unequally yoked…for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?…Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.

What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? The Bible says that if a husband looks at another woman and has bad thoughts about her, it is like breaking a promise to his wife. Watching inappropriate videos or thinking about another woman in that way is wrong.

If you’re husband has been using pornography, it’s adultery. If you’re experiecing this, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

What does the bible say about cheating husbands? Here’s What The Bible Says About Lying

Exodus 20:16 – 16 Thou shalt not bear false witness.

Psalm 101:7 – He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.

God does not like lying. He wants His followers to be treated with honesty and respect. If your husband is lying to you, it means he is not treating you in a safe or kind way.

To determine if he has the type of wicked character that God says we need to separate ourselves from, learn more about The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.

Here’s What The Bible Says About Reconciliation

Ezra 10:11 Separate yourselves from the strange [husbands].

Hebrews 7:26 – Who is holy, harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners

Also, the Bible teaches us not to accept bad behavior. Lisa’s situation got worse when her pastor supported her abuser. “My pastor hurt me when he said I needed to be more sexual with my husband,” she said. “He even asked me inappropriate questions that made me feel uncomfortable and ashamed.”

So a victim should never be forced to put herself in danger.

“My clergy traumatized me when he yelled at me, accusing me of being the problem,” she recalls. “It was devastating.”

Here’s What The Bible Says About Justice

Deuteronomy 32:4 – 4 He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he.

Psalm 10:17–18 – 17 Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear. To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress.

Isaiah 9:7 Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end…to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever.

Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Cheating Husbands?

Anne: I have a master’s level researcher on today’s episode. She’s also been through this herself, and she’s going to share some of her personal story. Welcome, Lisa.

Lisa: Thank you, Anne. It’s good to be here.

Anne: Before you share your story, I want to talk about what the Bible says about cheating husbands, and how the church often responds to women’s spiritual crisis. In fact, I’ve actually listed scriptures on this episode in the “Read” section above. So you don’t have to take notes.

What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? The Bible says pornography is adultery. That’s an Exodus 20, Matthew chapter 5 and II Corinthians.

What the Bible says about lying? Of course, thou shalt not bear false witness. But there’s a really interesting one in Psalm 101:7 that says he that worked with deceit shall not dwell within my house. He, that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight. I’ve also listed scriptures about what the Bible says about reconciliation with wickedness.

And what the Bible says about justice and all these topics we will be talking about today. But if you want to see those scriptures, again, go to the “Read” section above this transcript.

So in the context of finding out your husband has been using pornography, lying to you, or psychologically abusing you. And your church community doesn’t stand by what the Bible says about cheating husbands, and that creates a spiritual crisis. Let’s start with your story.

Lisa’s Experience with Church Abuse

Lisa: Absolutely, I experienced this. I have a faith background. And I was active in my local church as my marriage fell apart. I hit a lot of abuse, and went through a deep spiritual crisis that would last for years. I questioned whether God could still love me, because the church rejected me for making a stand. And walking away from a man who was not willing to stop lying. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands?

So, having my faith pulled out from underneath me was part of why that was such a low, low time for me. I felt that had there been support, had people been talking about sex addiction, perhaps I wouldn’t have hit such a low point.

Anne: When you say you hit a lot of abuse. Are you talking about abuse from the church?

Lisa: Yes, unfortunately, and mine is one of many, many stories. A similar thread runs through all of them, so it’s somehow not the man’s fault. It’s the woman’s fault. Especially if she decides to make a strong boundary, like I’m leaving abuse. I got threatening letters from a pastor throughout the four or five years I was single.

Living as a solo mom in a different city, I moved cities to get a full time job. Eventually, that would even lead to a death threat. And it’s interesting, my mother, who also had to leave my father for his chronic infidelity, went through almost exactly the same thing. She got threatening phone calls. Ultimately, she also faced a death threat. You know, I was blessed that I had learned from her how to stand up to spiritual abuse.

Threats & Abuse from Church Leaders: Spiritual crisis

Anne: My church leader told me I was the abuser, because I said my husband was abusive. It was unbelievable. There was so much abuse that happened, because my ex manipulated our church leader or our clergy. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands?

So you sent your survey to over 100 women. What did it reveal about how victims of abuse often go through a spiritual crisis?

Lisa: Of the over 100 women who answered, more than 63 percent felt they had gone through a significant spiritual crisis. The only thing surprising about that was that the number was that low. It was interesting, because some started saying, no, I didn’t go through a spiritual crisis. But as they continued to answer the questions, there was an open comments field. They went, you know what, I hadn’t thought I had gone through a spiritual crisis, but I can see now that I actually did.

Which makes you realize that sometimes the types of trauma symptoms a woman faces can be so overwhelming. That they may not even realize they’re having a crisis of faith, an existential crisis, that their larger spiritual framework has become shaky.

What does the Bible say about cheating Husbands: Distrust & Feelings of Injustice

Lisa: What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? For some women, the spiritual crisis really centered around their broader belief in God, in a higher power. It was also around church and other people who share their faith, their normal faith community. For some women it was both.

When we looked at the women who were feeling distrustful of God, of their higher power, they talked about feeling duped by him. They talked about feelings of injustice, feeling I have been a solid, faithful person in my faith community. Why would something like this happen to me? I’ve been solid and faithful in my marriage. Why would something like this happen to me? It’s not fair. Women talk about feelings of rejection by God or judgment. Some talked about feeling abandoned by God.

And then many of those women experienced something similar in the church. They experienced rejection in their church or faith community. They experienced abandonment in their faith community. And sometimes they experienced outright persecution. Like my story, my mother’s story, and many other women’s stories.

The more deeply a woman was involved in her faith community, particularly if she was the spouse of the head of the community, or was involved in some kind of ministering, the more she felt it. Particularly those wives of leadership, ministry wives, they had their world rocked. They had so much more to lose. And most of them keep a high level of anonymity, because the fear of the loss of their world, if his abuse should be discovered.

Ideal Marriage Expectations Shattered

Lisa: Wives who’d had a difficult past and had come to faith as adults. Often their understanding of the world was well, I suffered a lot in my relationships in the past because I didn’t have my faith. But now I’ve got my faith community and met a faithful man.

So now we’re gonna have the ideal marriage. When they find out that their ideal Christian husband or a husband of their faith is actually lying. It causes quite a crisis. That’s not to imply they were naive or anything like that. That’s certainly what churches teach, it’s implied frequently. Women who had been spiritually abused and persecuted by sex addict husbands.

Anne: Yes, “sex addict.” I mean, I had the sense that if I obeyed the commandments and followed the teachings, I would be protected. The teachings were forgive, love, support your husband. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? And when I realized that all the forgiving, serving, and loving actually enabled his abuse. And I wasn’t taught to protect myself or separate myself from wickedness. They weren’t applying what the Bible says about cheating husbands.

Also in my faith, it’s fine to get divorced if abuse is an issue. They didn’t believe me that I was being abused. They just wanted me to continue to love, serve, and forgive.

Lisa: Grace to him and nuts to you. You just need to forgive more, and it’ll all be solved. That’s not true.

Blame and Exploitation Dynamics

Anne: Well, since the abuser exploits us. Forgiving him solves his problem. Because he can continue exploiting you. They can’t see anything from their victim’s point of view. They can’t perceive the problem is the exploitation. Because the only problem for them is that they’re not able to exploit us. So if we “forgive” them and go back to how things were, it actually solves their problem. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands?

Lisa: We were talking earlier about your pastor being in way over his head. Along with addiction, there is a lot of lying, minimizing, rationalizing, justifying and blame. The basic formula for many faith communities is to stand up for men, and blame women. Most of them would never think of it in those kinds of terms. But if you watch the pattern, there’s a history of, if you have to side with one or the other, you side with the man.

Many of them have “blame the woman mentality,” and that’s what I saw in my circumstances. He was a pathological liar. So the boys all got together to believe what my husband said, and very few people asked me what’s your side of the story here.

Anne: Most of the time when they ask for your side of the story. They’re viewing it as if he has his side and you have your side. And the truth is somewhere in the middle. But that’s not the reality.

What does the Bible say about cheating husbands: Knights and Knaves: Truth vs. Lies

Anne: The reality is the riddle of the knights and the knaves, where the knights always tell the truth. The knaves always lie. So, how can you determine a knight from a knave? Who always tells the truth and who’s a pathological liar. She’s telling the truth and he’s manipulating everyone and managing his image. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? People say to me, that’s too simple. I’m like, it actually is that simple.

Lisa: We’re not over-exaggerating. If anything, we’re holding back, yeah. Because some of this stuff is going on in our bedrooms. We’re not keen to talk to our pastor about that. Abuse in the bedroom, or it’s neglect in the bedroom. Stuff that we have difficulty explaining. Which is cluing us into the fact that this guy is not who he says he is. So there’s something seriously wrong. She doesn’t have the impetus to lie and hide that he does.

Anne: Right, we constantly get accused of exaggerating.

Lisa: Yeah, you must be exaggerating.

Anne: Yeah, I’m like, I’m not exaggerating. Then you’re trying to prove you’re not exaggerating, you look more and more crazy. So it’s like this downward spiral.

Lisa: What is making this so difficult for women in a faith community situation is that her trauma symptoms are making her look really crazy. Often the husband has worked really, really hard to maintain this smooth image. And we should be saying, “Wow. The level of emotion she’s exhibiting proves the veracity of her statements.” It actually should lead credence to what she’s saying.

And his too smooth by far should be getting picked up on people’s radar. That alone should be a cue but they don’t. People tend to see it as the opposite. It’s like out of control.

Sex Addiction & Church’s Role

Lisa: I think where sex addiction has gone in the last decade, where pornography has gone in the last decade, is so horrific. If that is not part of your purview, if you’ve never stopped and considered the ways people can go off the rails. It can seem like, surely not, surely he’s not doing that, surely it can’t be that bad, surely it’s not as awful as you’re saying. But it is.

Anne: Right.

Lisa: There are researchers and experts who will tell you it is that bad. Mm hmm. It’s horrific.

So when we’re talking about women being spiritually abused or persecuted by their church, and I’m sure between us, we could list dozens of stories. Even just this morning, I received an email from a woman telling me a little bit of her story. Which included her husband’s infidelity, the church found out. They began policing her sex life, telling her she needed to be more available. And started actually asking regularly questions about her availability.

Anne: Wait, what? Like that’s sexual coercion. They’re literally using sexual abuse to harass this woman and force her to be oppressed by her husband. Wow. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? Not that.

Lisa: Absolutely. She said, I hate sex, I began having sex with my husband because of pressure from the church. So the sad reality is sometimes there is no answer to getting away from the abuse outside of leaving a particular faith community. And some people leave all faith communities because of this. I think that’s understandable, and I never criticize people for doing what they need to do to protect themselves.

Anne: That’s so hard.

Spiritual Growth Amidst Crisis

Anne: What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? You mentioned the survey also looked at spiritual growth. What did it show about that?

Lisa: So many of these women, more than the 63 percent of the 79 percent said that through this journey of discovering their husband’s sex addiction, porn addiction, and walking through crisis, they came to a stronger place.

Because for a small percentage, that was pretty instant. They found out, and they just kind of flopped into God’s arms for comfort. Like one woman said, no, that was always my safe place. And so I went there immediately. But for more women, it was part of coming through the spiritual crisis, they ended up with a strengthened faith.

And others talked about having a qualitatively better relationship with God on the other side of this. By that, I mean they’d always had a relationship with God. And this was my experience. I had a relationship with God, but God and I are much closer. I feel like I get him at a deeper level, and it’s a much more life giving for me. It was meditations and prayers.

I had certainly heard from other women. It’s joining a support group like yours, and seeing other women and how it’s bolstering them in a loving, non pressuring way. Then they begin to reconnect, they are more at peace, stronger, more loved and supported.

What does the Bible say about cheating husbands: Questioning & Rethinking Faith

Lisa: As we were talking about the abuse in the church. Many of us begin to rethink our faith. I began to question everything I thought I’d ever known about God. And I think we do. The Bible talks about this idea that trials will grow us. What in my beliefs feels fundamentally true. And what is just baggage? Like, for example, the whole, we don’t have boundaries thing, Or, a step about women’s place, some fundamental things about the nature of God, for example, that we begin to think through more carefully.

The nature of God itself. And that’s an enormous issue. And people don’t even realize they’re often carrying contradictory pictures. Of God around with them. And he is complex and mysterious. But at the same time, he wants to show his goodness to women at the time of their suffering. Because the Bible talks about his thoughts, his heart is so towards the suffering, marginalized, widows and orphans. He wants justice for the widows and orphans.

We’ve got a generation of pornography widows and sex addiction orphans out there. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? God wants wives treated well. He wants justice for them, he wants them lifted up. And I like to see the church beginning to respond to God’s heart in that. Women like myself idolized marriage. That fell by the wayside as part of this journey, not surprisingly. I realized that marriage was never going to fulfill all my great longings for love and relationship. That was something I could only find in God. That was, for me, a big part of my spiritual growth.

Personal Spiritual Growth & Realizations

Anne: Speaking of justice for the widows, I did a podcast episode about Luke 18 and the parable of the unjust judge, how the widow asks him to avenge her. And he’s like, no, no, go away. And then, in the end, he thinks, Oh, I know a way to get her to go away. I’ll just put it back on God. I’ll just say, God will avenge you in his right time. And he doesn’t actually do anything. That parable perfectly explains it, what the pornography widows want is justice.

Lisa: Additionally, the church could help with the spiritual crisis. They could help catapult women into spiritual growth and circumvent the whole women feeling guilty for wanting justice, like they’re doing something wrong. Wanting justice that’s coming from a really healthy place. That’s coming from God’s heart. God wants justice for you too.

Anne: Yeah, in my faith tradition, one of our leaders, he’s in a bad spot, and he’s praying and he’s saying, God, where are you? Then there’s this first where he actually asks for justice from God. He says, God, will you avenge my adversaries? They gloss over that part, here is this strong spiritual person, and he is asking for justice. What does the Bible say about cheating husbands. What’s wrong with us asking for justice?

Lisa: For example, we often quote Isaiah. The Messiah, is there to bind up the brokenhearted and release the captive. And declare the day of vengeance on your enemies. Part of healing is justice. God hasn’t forgotten that.

Anne: It’ll be interesting to see how this all plays out. I have not observed that, but maybe someday, maybe in the next life. That’s what I always say.

New Levels of vulnerability with God

Lisa: Yeah. So normal to go through some kind of crisis like this. Don’t be ashamed of it. If you feel like you need to go outside and shake your fist at God. And throw some stuff up at the sky and scream at him, do it. Do not be concerned about committing some kind of unforgivable sin or some heresy, because God is big enough, and if you are keeping those lines of communication going, that’s amazing.

Just keep it going, even if it feels like I have nothing good to say to you, and I have no nice way to say it. He is a good father, and a good parent can take this stuff. He knows how you’re feeling, loves you, and wants you to pour out to him.

Anne: Because God, I’m ready that you will have all of me the good and the bad. I’m listening through research about what does the Bible say about cheating husbands.

Lisa: That’s right.

Anne: So I’m willing now to let you see me in this vulnerable state, I’m willing to have you see me as I am this broken person in despair.

Lisa: Maybe that’s another part of the spiritual growth. We hit new levels of vulnerability with God. And we find that we are still accepted, we are still loved, because I really did sense God’s love for me and care in the midst of my angriest days.

Anne: Then I went through about a nine month drought where I could not feel God at all. I was praying and reading my scriptures. I study the scriptures every day. And I just felt trauma, sadness, and horror. I said it felt like the jaws of hell were gaping after me.

What does the Bible say about cheating husbands: Forgiveness isn’t on the table

Anne: I spent a lot of time at church crying in the bathroom stall. I continued to pray and study my scriptures. And I think I had so many spiritual experiences from before to draw on during that time of drought. I thought, I know this works. I’m just going to keep going, even though I can’t feel it now. I spent time studying what does the Bible say about cheating husbands.

Lisa: Oh yes. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a place of comfort.

Anne: Yeah, so I had my group, and I have good friends and family. So I had support and could express how I felt. And they were amazing. Instead of saying, Well, you should forgive, and then you’ll feel better. I think this comes down to forgiveness. They didn’t say that. They said, that makes sense.

Lisa: That’s what you need to hear.

Anne: The trauma is so intense, like forgiveness isn’t even on the table.

Lisa: No, absolutely not. Um, surviving is on the table, and God gets that in my personal interactions with God. I felt no pressure whatsoever to forgive. I felt, let’s just survive this.

Anne: Also, you know where you said that toward the end of the survey, the participants were like, wait, I had a spiritual crisis. Right now I’m thinking, wait. I think I was talking to God. and he was answering me. During those nine months, but I just did not feel comforted. because he kept telling me to do nothing and wait. and observe from a safe distance.

Observe from a safe distance

Anne: I did not like that answer. I was like, if I just wait and observe from a safe distance, he’s not going to do anything. He wasn’t trying to repair a relationship, nothing. What I didn’t realize was that I was observing his true character. It gave me this clear picture of who he was, which I desperately needed. That’s what God wanted me to see. But it was not comforting at all. So I could not feel comforted. I didn’t feel peace. I didn’t feel calm that God like knew what he was doing. It was so traumatic in every way.

During that time, God taught me about boundaries. These are things that I now teach in the Living Free Workshop, how to see his true character. I learned what does the Bible say about cheating husbands. How does that actual boundaries and observe from a safe distance, so that you’re not going to get manipulated or lied to ever again, you’ll see the truth. To go back to that painful time where I couldn’t feel comforted. A friend, actually, it was like, just give up on God and get a really soft blanket. I put it around yourself and curl up in your closet.

I mean, I was in so much emotional pain and couldn’t feel comforted that like the best we could do was like, get a Teddy bear, you know?

Lisa: In the moment, what we sometimes need is a community that just lifts us up. A community that just says, I will weep with those who weep. I’m not going to sit here and preach to you like Job’s friends. I’m just going to sit here quietly with you and share your pain. That’s one of my main messages to the church these days.

Keep your advice & share her pain

Lisa: You don’t understand. If you’ve not been there, just trust me, you don’t understand. So keep your advice and share her pain, and pray for her and ask how you can help.

Anne: Thank you so much for being here today.

Lisa: Thank you, Anne. It is an honor to be invited to talk with you about what does the Bible say about cheating husbands, and get to know you better. I’m so excited about what BTR is doing. So I’m talking about it to like everybody who will listen. You and your team keep up the awesome work you’re doing.

Anne: Thank you.