One of the questions I often hear women in our community grappling with is, “how do you know when your marriage is over?”
The answer I hear many women give is that you’ll know if and when it’s time. The truth is, there is no “right” answer or clear path for every woman facing this question, but there are a few things you can keep in mind while contemplating.
If you’re asking this question, it’s likely your husband is using emotional abuse tactics. To discover if your husband uses any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test.
3 WAYS: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER
1. YOU NO LONGER TRUST HIM TO TELL THE TRUTH
Many women in our community describe a moment in their marriage when they no longer trust their husbands. Maybe it’s something even really small, and they realize this is never gonna change.
Not all women choose to leave their marriage when they have this experience. How do you know when your marriage is over? When they have this experience, something shifts inside of them. And they know they’re no longer dealing with the marriage they thought they were.
2. HE WANTS TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE, BUT HE WON’T STOP HIS HARMFUL BEHAVIOR
Many emotionally abusive men will use a show effort to “save the marriage” to manipulate their victims. They might agree to go to marriage counseling or join an addiction recovery group.
They’re not doing it because they care about the harm that they’ve caused to their wife and children. They’re doing it to manipulate her to maintain the relationship. What he really wants is the consequences to stop. He wants things to go back to the way they were before she knew about his betrayal and lies.
3. THE COST OF ENGAGING WITH HIM BECOMES GREATER THAN THE COST OF DISTANCE
Often, when women ask, “how do you know when your marriage is over?”, they’re waiting for like one final piece of proof maybe or some kind of confirmation.
But the truth is they already have enough information. How does it feel to engage with him? Do you start realizing it’s just not worth it? That can be a really big sign.
No matter what the specifics are, many women describe this as a tipping point where they just knew they couldn’t continue to engage with him in the way they did before. And they realize that marriage as they knew it is over whether they leave or not.
WHAT’S NEXT IF YOU’RE ASKING “HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER?”
If you’re asking, “How do you know when your marriage is over?” Consider taking careful, grounded steps regardless of whether you get a clear answer or not.
- Talk to safe people. Choose people who will not minimize emotional abuse, pressure you to reconcile, or rush your timeline.
- Document what is happening. Keeping records can help you stay oriented when lies, denial, or manipulation make you doubt your own memory.
- Prioritize safety. If there is intimidation, coercion, threats, stalking, sexual pressure, financial control, or fear of retaliation, connect with a domestic abuse advocate or a qualified professional who understands emotional and psychological abuse.
- Get support for betrayal trauma. You deserve help that centers your safety and healing, not just his recovery.
- Consider legal and financial information. Learning your options does not obligate you to act immediately. It simply gives you a flashlight in a dark room.
FINDING SAFE SUPPORT: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER?
Resources like Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR) can teach you how to strategically address emotionally abusive patterns in your marriage. Enroll in The Workshop to learn more.
Key points from this episode:
- When Normal Safety Seeking Reveals The Truth
- When The “Good Guy” Version No Longer Feels Real
- His Recovery Is A Performance, Not Real Change
- How His Emotional Abuse Makes You Feel Crazy
- When You Stop Chasing Him And Choose Emotional Safety
TRANSCRIPT: how do you know when your marriage is over
Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Tera Lynch on today’s episode. She’s a mother school nurse, spiritual seeker, an accidental comedian. With a heart as big as her laugh and resilience forged in the fire of betrayal, she shares her story to uplift others who navigate the hardest transitions. Like how do you know when your marriage is over. The Orange Post-It Note is her memoir, mission, and love letter to everyone learning to live and laugh again. Welcome, Tera.
Tera: Thank you Anne.
Anne: It is so great to have you here. So let’s start at the beginning. How did you feel about your husband when you first met him?
Tera: Oh, very quickly, madly in love. He was so attentive, Mr. Adventure, supportive man. I was divorced and had three kids. I was in nursing school. We dated for 10 years. He was Mr. Hand Holder, car door opener, evening planner, sous chef. We didn’t fight. We just got along. Our trouble started when he started traveling Monday through Friday to New York City for work. And I didn’t like it, but it was where he needed to be.
Anne: Where did you guys live?
Tera: We lived in a suburb outside of Chicago. He would fly out Monday morning and come home Friday night. We always just picked up right where we left off. And we were so happy to see each other. We knew what was going on in each other’s lives. I missed him desperately, but we made it work, and we stayed in the honeymoon phase for a lot longer than many other couples. ‘Cause as you can imagine on the weekends, you’re so happy to be reunited. And I was so happy when suddenly he was moving back.
HE SEEMED UNHAPPY AT HOME
Tera: So he was there for seven years, and right before COVID hit, the business dried up in New York.
He worked for a private equity firm, so there were no more opportunities for him to work in New York. And I was ecstatic. I was getting my husband back. I wanted to be the normal couple that took a walk after dinner, and quickly realized he was not happy to be at home, uncomfortable being home.
I’m a school nurse, so I eat dinner at six and I’m in bed by nine, and he just wasn’t used to that timeframe. He seemed edgy and a little bit like a caged animal, and I just rationalized that he was making an adjustment.
Anne: This is the first time he’s lived full-time with you?
Tera: We dated for 10 years, so I had my house. He had his house, and we saw each other all the time. But right before we married and we bought a home together after our adult kids took off to college. We decided that would be a good time to marry. And that whole time, he was traveling Monday through Friday. So we never really did, now that I think about it, have that married full-time together. But he checked in all the time. He knew what was going on. He would call me at work, so I just felt safe in it all. I didn’t like it.
But, uh, he was very good at playing the victim. He was the overworked, underappreciated employee who was always working for some villainous, CEO, who took control over his life.
HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
Tera: And he would call me and say, “Oh, I’m at a bodega again, getting a cold piece of pizza and a wilted Caesar salad, and I’m trudging through the door after working a 12, 13, 14 hour day.” So I always felt sorry for him, and when he came home, I’d have hot, homemade meals for him and be the listener at the end of a long day.
And he reciprocated all that. His phone was attached to his hand. It was an appendage, and he was always on the computer. And I knew he had OCD tendencies and he overanalyzed everything, so it wasn’t abnormal for him to work like 10 hours on a Saturday or a Sunday on the computer.
Then we would have a great time between or afterwards, but I had no idea what he was doing on the computer or the phone. So one night he fell asleep on the couch. And as he laid his phone down, I got a quick glimpse at it. ‘Cause I didn’t have the code to get into it. I never thought to look into his phone. And I saw a picture of a woman, and it said 23 hours ago.
And I was like, oh, my God, what’s going on? Because he was this disciplined, loving, doting man. I was like, what? So then I started snooping, quickly found evidence smack dab on the top of his desk.
Anne: Around here. We don’t call it snooping, we call it safety seeking. You might have felt like you were snooping, but you were definitely sensing that something wasn’t right and you were doing what any smart person would do. For women asking, “How do you know when your marriage is over?” this is often where the answer begins.
how do you know when your marriage is over – I DID A LOT OF SAFETY SEEKING
Tera: I was, and I entered a world I did not know existed, the websites, the alias names. It was shocking to me.I would type in long codes into Google search and Bingo, there it was. He’s on this site, he’s on this site, he’s on this site, and then all these alias names and I didn’t know if it was his name or her name. And still all the while in shock. I just couldn’t fathom that this man was doing this.
Anne: Yeah.
Tera: So I did a lot of safety seeking, and I was really married to a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde type of person. Because had I not done the Quistodio app and the find my phone and got the code to his phone. And did some recording on occasion when I just felt like something wasn’t right. That’s how I learned the truth, because he was such a master liar. And like I said, we didn’t fight, we didn’t argue, we didn’t quarrel.
We just got along, and I confronted him immediately. They only tell you as much as you know. And that became apparent. And if I had one little fact wrong, the whole thing was wrong. So I had to be very correct with everything I was saying.
Anne: Let’s go back to the Jekyll and Hyde idea for just a minute. That’s something that so many women describe. I’ve talked about it in my free email course, and I actually have a book coming out soon. So in my book, I outline why this is. ‘Cause many people describe it, but they don’t understand what’s causing it.
So I wanna talk about that for just a second.
HE WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE
Anne: In my experience, my theory, and I think I’m right or I wouldn’t tell the world this. Is that it’s not so much that they’re changing their mind or have two different personalities. It’s that they are using whatever lie they think will work to get them what they want in that moment.
Anne: So in that moment, if they think, okay, if I get mad at her, she’ll leave me alone, and they wanna be left alone. Then you’ll see Mr. Hyde, and he’ll be the mean one. Then that will cause you to push away, and he’ll go work in his office or something like that. If he wants to be alone, let me put it that way. And then you’ll see Dr. Jekyll, the good guy, when he’s lying to groom you when he wants you to come with him to his work party. When he wants other things like that.
So for him, his internal way of dealing with his wife is not so much relating as a person and having a relationship. It’s a series of transactions. If I act this way, I’ll get this result. If I act this way, I’ll get this result. And to us, it seems completely random, because we don’t know what result he’s going for. We don’t know what his goals are ’cause they’re hidden.
And for women asking, “how do you know when your marriage is over?” this is one of the hardest parts to face. When he plays the Dr. Jekyll part, it feels good, comforting, loving, that it’s really hard to wrap your head around the fact that you may not know any part of him the way you thought you did.
I FELT CONDITIONED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE
Anne:: It’s really hard to wrap your head around the fact that you don’t know any part of him, the good part or the bad part. Could you talk about that for a minute?
Tera: It was different for us because he did all his acting out when he was away, in a different city. Even though I think he was acting out when he was home. I felt conditioned to leave him alone when he worked. And I think there was some grooming there. He knows I’m a person with a lot of interests, and I could keep myself busy all day and at hobbies.
I just didn’t bother him until it was about late afternoon, and I would check in and he’d be like, “Hey, what’s going on?” It’s our Saturday night. What are we gonna do? Let’s make some plans. And then that would pull him away, and we would have our fun, and we’d have a fun evening, and we’d have a great morning. But then the next day he’d go into the office under the pretense that he was working all day. So my Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde was Mr. Fun, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Present, Mr. Engaged. And then Mr. Hyde was now I have to work, so you do your thing and I’ll do my thing.
Anne: So it was very subtle because it wasn’t getting mad at you to get some space, but he used work as the lie to get space or get out of help with housework.
Tera: Very much so. So heartbreaking, he immersed himself in recovery immediately.
Anne: When you say recovery, are you talking about sex addiction, recovery?
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER – AFFAIR DISCLOSURES
Tera: Yes, in the first disclosure, I learned how bad it was. It was a 20 page document with a chart with over 20 women that he had relations with, mostly through Ashley Madison. So he was connecting with other married women who also didn’t wanna be found out and had serial affairs. He said there was no romance. He said it was transactional. It was easier and safer for him.
Anne: Said he.
Tera: Said he, to be with somebody he felt safe with, didn’t have a disease or didn’t wanna confront his wife or employer. Because she was in the same boat. It was just absolutely disgusting and horrifying. So I did crazy things. I like built a shrine of shame on his desk one day, like all the things that were triggering me and he was out of town.
So I went to town, and I just started throwing everything that was triggering me on his desk. Anything from United Airlines, top of food boxes, United napkins, airplanes, every hotel notepad, pen, the liquor that he liked to drink of the color orange, orange post-it notes everywhere.
I put a huge angel on the middle of the desk and hung his jock strap on it. it. was just a way for me to throw all the triggers I dealt with every day on his desk. And I thought it would be like an art piece that would speak to him, and he was amazed by it. It was something that I challenge any woman to do, it makes you feel good. Just throw it all out there.
HIS “RECOVERY” WAS A PERFORMANCE
Tera: And I thought things like that would get through to him and wake him up to the pain I was in. It was token. Seemed like stuff moved him like that. But he wasn’t. And everything seemed token, I would walk by and he would have his 12-Step book and the Rosary, and some 12-Step chips and all the books he was reading and the workbooks. And then the minute I walked away, I would just see it being brushed aside. I think I’m being played.
Anne: It was performative. Did he do 12-Step and you said a disclosure, so he had a therapist as well?
Tera: MmmHmm he had a CSAT.
Anne: Okay, yeah.
Tera: He did all that. He didn’t do the 12-Steps or get a sponsor.
Anne: But he just looked like he did.
Tera: Yeah, he set it all up that way. He immersed himself in it later, but it was just too late for me. There were slips along the way. He was with a really bad support group that just let him get away with murder. I just didn’t like that support group at all. He had a good CSAT, but he was charming.
He could charm anybody, anybody would believe him. And that’s when I began asking, “How do you know when your marriage is over?” I kept it a secret for so long, because I had so much hope. And I thought I could get him back. I thought I could resurrect him from all this. But I just didn’t have the power, and nobody would’ve believed what he was doing. Because he was so charming and funny and kind. It was hard to come out with all that in the end and have people believe me.
how do you know when your marriage is over – SEARCHING FOR MORE TRUTH
Anne: Yeah, at the time you were going to sex addiction therapy or when he was, did anyone ever mention to you or did you ever process what you’re experiencing as emotional and psychological abuse or sexual coercion, or did anybody ever point it out to you?
Tera: No, the hypervigilance was so taxing.
Anne: ‘Cause what he was doing was emotional and psychological abuse.
Tera: It took me a long time to put that name on it.
Anne: Were you gonna tie in hypervigilance into that?
Tera: Yeah, to me, I answered the question, “how do you know when your marriage is over?” when I knew it was abuse. That’s what it did to me. It made me become this person that I wasn’t. I needed to find the truth, and I wasn’t getting it from him. So what he was doing caused me to do that, and that was so abusive, because that’s not who I am. I’m not that person. I don’t wanna be that person. I don’t wanna put my energy there.
Anne: And the lack of consent, I’m assuming that when he came home on the weekends, you were intimate at times.
Tera: Yeah, very intimate.
Anne: So you’re being intimate with a man who isn’t giving you the information that you need for you to actually consent to the relationship that you’re in. You think the relationship is a certain way and don’t see red flags, but that is like full on sexual coercion. Which is so fascinating to me that most sex addiction therapists don’t point that out right out of the gate.
When Emotional Abuse Makes You Feel CRAZY
Anne: Like what you’ve experienced is emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion. This makes you a victim of domestic abuse and ethically, I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a victim of abuse support her abuser’s treatment program. But I’ve never heard a woman, and I’ve interviewed over 200 women who’ve been through this, say that’s what the sex addiction therapist said.
In fact, women go through years and years of sex addiction therapy with their husbands, and they’re never told that is what is actually happening, which is shocking to me. And so that’s our mission here at BTR, which is to help women recognize the truth of what’s going on. Because then she can process all levels of abuse and know that the way she reacted was totally normal, because you mentioned hypervigilance.
Can you talk about that feeling where you thought you were going crazy, where you thought you were doing things that you didn’t wanna do?
Tera: I would come home from work, and I would go to the mail, and I would throw out every catalog with a picture of a sexy woman on it. I wouldn’t watch any of the TV shows we used to watch. Because there were attractive women in them. I didn’t even like watching sports with him anymore, because the broadcasters were all so beautiful.
I was just trying to get rid of anything that would excite him. Sex sells, and it’s everywhere. I didn’t want him looking at the computer anymore. I didn’t want him looking at LinkedIn anymore. Here are all these women recruiters telling you how awesome you are.
how do you know when your marriage is over – I STOPPED CHASING AFTER HIM
Tera: They have gorgeous pictures of themselves. You’re not even looking for a job right now. What are you on LinkedIn for? So you can have somebody feeding your ego, telling you how great you are when you’re not even looking for a job. Why are you accepting these recruiter calls? It was everywhere, and I was hypervigilant about it, and I was trying to remove all that external stuff. Which was such a waste of time, because there’s always gonna be another level of it.
Anne: Right.
Tera: I spent a lot of energy doing that. One day I just started to get my sense of humor back, and I was like, what are you doing? You are a great woman. Why are you letting this happen to you? It’s time to say goodbye. It’s absurd that you’re chasing after him and trying to remove everything that might excite him. And here you are right in front of him, and he doesn’t see the gift of your marriage even though it might be hard, and your bond, and your fun, and the family.
So I just have to laugh at myself and say, “Why am I spinning my wheels? Why am I on this hamster wheel? Why am I chasing after something that maybe never really even existed in the first place?” How do you know when your marriage is over?
Anne: The answer is because he lied to you. So it has nothing to do with you. Had he not lied to you in the first place and presented himself as this loving, caring person, you never would’ve done that. No woman wants to be with a man who’s gonna cheat on her constantly and lie to her.
HE CONTINUED TO LIE
Anne: So it’s not that you had anything wrong with you that caused you to do that, it’s just that even after you discovered it, he was still continuing to lie about his reasons, about what he was doing, about the whole thing. so that gets really confusing. It makes total sense, because the relationship has been real. Your feelings have been real, you haven’t been lying to him.
So your side of it is all completely real. Even though you don’t realize his side of it, it has always been an illusion. So it does feel like, what am I doing? But the answer is that’s what anybody would do. That’s what we’ve all done.
Tera: It takes time to wrestle with, “how do you know when your marriage is over?” I’m glad the way I did it all the way I did it. Because I was really able to know I did everything I could.
Anne: Yeah.
Tera: I immersed myself in recovery work, and I was able to skip away and know that he’s not the man for me. You just have to let this go, and you just have to start over, and you have to love yourself again. You have to get strong. It was important to me to show my daughter not to accept psychological or other abuse in your life, because what was I teaching her? If I stayed with this man who was abusing me? That’s not a good role model. And that good men exist. It’s been great, because she sees me as a strong, capable woman who did it with grace and dignity and started over again.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER – FAMILY INTERVENTION
Anne: And we don’t even have to do it with grace and dignity. We can do it however we want.
Tera: That’s true.
Anne: That’s awesome.
Tera: I had a great support system. I’m lucky. I have three sisters that staged an intervention, and I didn’t know what was happening. I walked into an intervention and they said, “What is going on? Do you have cancer? Where are you? You’ve been so vacant. You’re a shell of yourself. You are too skinny. What’s happening?”
And I told them, and they shared that they noticed him ogling other women. And that was the epiphany for me. That was the moment I truly walked away. I needed the people in my life. I had kept it a secret for so long, and it takes such a toll to keep it a secret.
My doctor was so worried about me. She was probably the first person I told. She’s like, “What are you doing? Why are you staying with him? Look at your heart rate. Look at your blood pressure. It was always perfect. What’s happening to you?”
Anne: Yeah.
Tera: You need a lot of support groups, ’cause you’re gonna exhaust your inner support group asking, “how do you know when your marriage is over?” It’s a lot to ask people. People don’t understand, they think it’s so easy to just walk away and want you to do it in a quicker timeframe with no regrets. Sooner than you’re ready maybe, and I think you have to take your time to do it your way, but remain safe.
A SUPPORT GROUP IS SO IMPORTANT
Anne: Yeah, it takes time to process too. I found myself, and I’m around so many women who go through this same thing over and over and they’re wondering, “how do you know when your marriage is over.” I don’t think they’re ruminating. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just you have to say it out loud, figure it out, and wrap your head around it.
And that takes a while, and it’s okay. I couldn’t agree with you more about having a safe support group, because. I remember my sister got so sick of, she loves me, she wanted to talk to me every day, but she just didn’t wanna talk about that all the time. But I needed to talk about it.
And so Betrayal Trauma Recovery group sessions here or a support group is so important, because that’s what that’s for. It’s for holding all that and everyone else there is in that same stage, so you’re all in it together, which is great because my sister was not in that spot. It was hard for her to hold all that for me during that time.
Tera: It is offensive behavior to some people, well to everybody. It makes ’em sick to even think about it or talk about it. But you have to process it, and you believe a little more of the truth every day, and you have to decipher what’s real and what’s a lie. It’s so traumatizing.
Anne: Yeah. That’s so hard. Good for you. I’m sure writing your book helped you process everything. Are you a writer anyway? I mean, were you a writer before this?
Tera: No, I’ve always wanted to write a book. I enjoy writing little short stories for myself.
I JUST STARTED WRITING
Tera: I just started writing about a chapter here and there about a struggle or an epiphany or a moment of enlightenment or something unconventional I did in dealing with all this.
And I just started to put it all together, and I was like, this is a book. This is a story for women stuck like me. That’s a stuck phase where you love ’em and you’re full of hope, but you have all these internal moments and they’re getting to you. You’re eventually gonna get where you need to go while wondering “how do you know when your marriage is over,” but you have to go through all these odd things until you find your footing.
Anne: Yeah, you can’t go around it. You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it. You have to go through it. And it’s not fun. It is miserable.
Tera: It is not fun. Once I had moments of clarity and started to feel a little stronger, I tried to save it, but I couldn’t save it. And it was time to leave, and time to put my big girl pants on and know my financial future would be different. I’m a capable woman, and I need to heal my heart. I need to stop the abuse to go onto the new frontier.
Anne: Go you! Go Tera, this is awesome!
Tera: It’s called The Orange Post-It Note, because that’s how I found out that He was cheating on me. I was searching for a title for the book, and I’m like, let’s just call it The Orange Post-It Note. Let’s call it what it is.
how do you know when your marriage is over – HELPING OTHER WOMEN UNDERSTAND
Tera: But it has been healing, and my goal in writing was to help other women. Other women who are going through what I’m going through to get through the shame and stigma. And to know you cannot let this define you. This is not who you are. You are an amazing person, and it’s a struggle, and let’s all help each other through this struggle. It’s ugly and messy, not linear. It’s a roller coaster. But we can all get there.
Anne: Yeah, well, thank you so much for sharing part of your story and for putting your thoughts to paper. I am such a big fan of writing. I think it’s such an important medium for processing things, for sharing thoughts. The way I learned so much is through the process of writing. I write it down and I’m like, did that really happen like that?
And for women asking, “how do you know when your marriage is over?” that pattern recognition is a huge. Sometimes you don’t see the whole picture day by day. But when you write it down, the truth starts to become much harder to ignore.
Tera: Patterns and your personality come out in your writing. I realized I have a funny outlook on things and a quirky way of getting through situations. It’s a little unique, but I don’t think I would’ve known that about myself unless I took the pen to paper.
Anne: Yeah, and recognizing our strengths. And also recognizing none of us are perfect. That part of it is great too. I think part of that sex addiction quagmire is thinking, well, if I just communicated better or didn’t trigger him. Or I healed my own triggers, or all this stuff, that things would get better.
I CAN DO WHATEVER I PUT MY MIND TO DO
Anne: How do you know when your marriage is over? When there’s nothing wrong with you in the first place, you’re just fine. It’s just that he’s lying and you don’t know it. So knowing that you’re sure you’re not perfect, but you’re fine. You are okay. And I love what you said, like I’m strong and I’m capable, and I can do whatever I put my mind to, so that’s awesome.
I’m really, really happy to talk to you. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we go today?
Tera: Oh gosh, just listen to your gut, do the safety seeking, because I learned so much while wondering how do you know when your marriage is over. That if I had just heard him and his explanations and stories, I might have still been in the marriage. The safety seeking helped me find the lies. You can’t hide the proof, they can’t lie to you when you’re showing them the proof.
Anne: Yeah, so true. It gives you that confidence, so that’s awesome. Well, thank you so much, Tera. I appreciate you coming on, and thank you for sharing your story today.
Tera: Thank you Anne.
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