Are you wondering if there’s something wrong with your husband or boyfriend? Here are 5 silent red flags in a relationship that you need to know. If you relate to this episode, did you know that there are 19 types of emotional abuse? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing this.
1. Coming On Strong Early On
Like most red flags, abusers will often come on very strong early on. In Ayla’s case, her abuser immediately began to love-bomb her with attention, a job offer, flattery, and affection.
Abusers may:
- Tell you they love you
- Ask you to be in a committed relationship
- Initiate sex
- Propose
- Ask you to meet their family
- Give you money or ask you for money
- Divulge “secrets” early on in order to “bond” with you – but later you may find out these were lies
2. Isolating You (It’ll Seem Romantic At First)
The second red flag in a relationship is isolation. It may be hard to spot, because it can be camouflaged romantically. Abusers isolate victims by usurping their time. They spend every waking moment with the victim, which can feel romantic. They may condition the victim to feel dependent on them OR tell the victim that they (the abuser) are emotionally dependent on the victim.
Abusers often take up so much emotional and physical space. Isolation can extend to a physical move to where the victim doesn’t have any friends or family.
3. Pushing You To Have A Child With Them
Interestingly, abusers often request and then push for the victim to bear their child. This is a of the silent red flags in a relationship. Many abusers want their victims to get pregnant, because it’s a way for him to basically control you the rest of your life.
If he is talking about having a child with you early on, or after you have expressed hesitation, consider this a red flag. Having a child with someone legally ties you to them until the child is eighteen. This is a sure-fire way for the abuser to have contact with you and a degree of control in your life and the child’s life.
4. “You’re Saving Me” (Also Romantic At First)
Another silent red flags in a relationship is that the abuser may use phrases like:
- I didn’t know what I needed until you came along.
- I felt this void until you were here, now I feel whole.
- When I’m not with you I feel empty.
- I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until I met you.
- I need you. I’m not okay without you.
- Now that I have you, I’ll be able to be a better man.
Ayla’s abuser coupled this “You are my savior” red flag with isolation when he moved their small family to the mountains.
5. Spending Time Studying Resources About How To Abuse Women (Calling You Out, Robert Greene)
One scary red flags in a relationship rarely discussed is the insidious and calculated effort that abusers take to learn how to abuse women. Books like The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction by the psychopathic author Robert Greene literally teach men how to coerce and abuse women. In Ayla’s situation, her abuser studied these books and used the tactics to brainwash and manipulate her.
If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.
Transcript: 5 Silent Red Flags In A Relationship
Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Ayla. She’s going to be sharing her story. As she shares her story, I’m going to be pointing out 5 silent red flags in a relationship you need to know. Welcome Ayla.
Ayla: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here and I look forward to talking with you today and the rest of the community.
Anne: So let’s start with your story. Did you recognize his abusive behaviors at first?
Ayla: At first, no. It was definitely one of those what seemed like a destined type of meeting. It was definitely more like a fairy tale at first. I was working at a ski resort. And he was a tourist with his extravagantly rich friend, who had talked me into joining in a supposed “business opportunity” with a non-profit. They totally stole my heart with that to convince me to quit my job there in the ski resort and then start this non profit.
Which after a month or two I realized was a complete scam and setup. Everything was hyperspeed, and that was another thing, now in retrospect, that was a red flag warning that I didn’t understand at the time. Technically, he stalked me. I didn’t put two and two together. I just thought he enjoyed my company. He wanted to help me get into a better financial opportunity with this non-profit that they were promising me.
The First Red Flag: Grooming
Anne: So that’s the first one of the silent red flags in a relationship, is coming on strong, early on, otherwise known as grooming. Where things happen very, very quickly. Then you leave your job and end up moving in together and having a child. Because you don’t recognize this as grooming.
The Second Silent Red Flag In A Relationship: Isolation
Anne: The second silent red flag in a relationship is isolating you. They get you to move or quit your job. And that happened to you as well. So now that you’re living together and have a child. That’s the hard part. Women don’t know that the great part was part of the abuse. So many times they’ll say, it was good. And then it went bad. They don’t realize it was bad the whole time.
Struggles In The Relationship
Anne: What types of things did you try to improve the relationship?
Ayla: Communication, however, he was so good with word manipulation and gaslighting. It always kept ending up that it was my fault for anything and everything that happened. He bashed my head into a door, I had a severe concussion. And he kept blaming that I wasn’t understanding things because of it. He blamed it on the hormones and everything when I was pregnant. So it was all my fault all the time.
I think when I continuously caught him in blatant lies with the gas lighting. That’s when I realized he might be mentally ill. I understood that I needed to be more particular and deliberate in how I created my existence alongside him. Especially since we were having a child together. He had a bad addiction to weed. I thought that was the main culprit so I didn’t recognize the silent red flags in my relationship.
I read a book called Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana. Which focuses on violence being a huge result of somebody who uses substances such as marijuana often.
Anne: Yeah, that makes sense. You’re thinking the reason why he’s been violent is because of his marijuana use or maybe a mental illness. I’m so sorry. Can you talk more about how he exploited you?
Ayla: I have a big heart. I used to do energy work and counseling. And becoming part of a non-profit was something intriguing to me. I wanted involvement in something amazing to help the community.
Exploitation & Lies
Ayla: So with being lied to from the get go about that. I felt that maybe it was just that one opportunity. Because he always had an excuse for something going on. So when we had left together to go to the mountains and start a new life, he said, oh, it was, it was his friend’s fault. That he was behaving the way he was. He said he needed to get away from the bad influence and that coming to a new life will change him. He’s going to be a changed man.
And that was exactly what he needed. I was exactly what he needed in his life to become a better person. And so, of course, I believed it. But then I kept having to call the police to help me out. Because there were times when he wouldn’t even allow me to close myself off into a bedroom. To prevent him from yelling in my face, shoving me, pushing me, grabbing the baby from my arms, like horrible back and forth fighting. That I just was fighting for my safety to get away.
He wouldn’t even let me leave the house too. And he would take away the car keys. He also didn’t allow me to drive the car at times. He had control over that and didn’t register the other cars. So if I tried to leave, he said he would call the police and report the car stolen, and that I was kidnapping my own child. He put up surveillance cameras, wow big red flag, and he then spliced up video footage of me defending myself. I mean, what do you do if your husband filmed you with a hidden camera.
The Third Silent Red Flag In A Relationship: Pushing For A Child
Ayla: He said I have footage that I can show the police saying you were abusive towards me. I realized he had trapped me. He blackmailed me for about the two last two and a half years of our “relationship,” for everyone to call it that. So there were threats that kept an invisible prison around me in my life. My son was unfortunately the pawn to keep that control over me, because the threats were so real.
Anne: So I want to point out the third silent red flag in a relationship that you mentioned. Number three is pushing you to have a child with them. Because these types of abusers know that once you have a child, their ability to exploit, control and threaten you increases exponentially. So pushing you to have a child with them quickly is number three.
Ayla: I had another friend, in the same exact situation, caught into a relationship. And her abuser used a child to keep her in control. Because all he wanted from her was just a child. Like, my abuser just wanted a child from me.
Anne: Or at least that’s what he said. I mean, he manipulated you to feel like he wanted a child, but he wanted a reason to keep you trapped. So that’s why it’s so difficult. And so hard when you find out that it was manipulation the whole time.
The Fourth Red Flag: Manipulative Dependency
Anne: The fourth silent red flag in a relationship. You mentioned that he manipulated you by saying he needed you, that you were going to save him. that. He couldn’t do this without you. You mentioned this type of manipulation. I mean, you experienced overt, non silent abuse, like yelling. Or keeping you from leaving the house. And then you’re also experiencing this silent abuse.
In fact, this is narcissistic abuse. You discovered that he poisoned you to take pictures of you to use to exploit you online. Can you talk about that?
Ayla: One night he pushed very to get me to drink. That was the thing that we often did, but I knew he was doing the course of control with the surveillance camera called the domestic violence setup. So I knew that he already had that in his back pocket. The one night I kept refusing. I don’t want to drink anything. My intuition just said, no, not tonight. Stay away. So he handed me a drink, even despite me saying, I don’t want to drink. He’s like, just take one sip.
I’m like, all right. So I took one sip and gave it back to him. I said, see, I just don’t want it. I’m not in the mood. Then he dumped that drink out. He loves his alcohol, so I thought that was peculiar. So I asked, why’d you dump it out? Oh, well, I just don’t want to drink either, and he played it off. 20 minutes later, I felt really odd, sick. And I tried taking myself upstairs to the bedroom, and I just had to sit and collapsed on the stairs.
Poisoned & Trapped: Visible Red Flags In A Relationship
Ayla: Now my consciousness was still there. Because when somebody is given the Rufalin date rape drug, if they have enough alcohol in the system, their consciousness is not there. But because I didn’t have alcohol in my system that one night, I was still coherent. And I remember feeling him standing over my body and seeing flashes. He was taking pictures, which was scary. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. And then he finally picked me up and put me on the bed.
And shut me in there, and he put the baby in bed with me. So I asked him about it the next night. He said, Oh, it was in my imagination. And so I called the domestic violence center to see what they can do to help me. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I was so scared, if he did stuff like that to me.
Anne: Did you find the domestic violence shelter to be helpful in your area?
Ayla: Absolutely not, I was so surprised about how unhelpful they were. It was like chasing a mouse, trying to get them to help me. The woman wouldn’t return my calls in an appropriate time. I tried to get restraining orders, nothing happened. It took a year and a half, he almost killed my son, for them to finally step in.
And say, Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess we’ll help. And even at that they believed my abuser over me and gave up on trying to help me. Because of the camera footage that he introduced in court.
Seeking Help & Facing Challenges
Anne: I’m so sorry. Because he set that up on purpose, right? To splice up the footage to make it seem like you were the abuser, when you were just trying to protect yourself. I’m so sorry. That is awful. Everyone says call the domestic violence hotline, if you’re a victim. It’s going to be easy for you if you just reach out for help. I have found that is not the case.
And they also do not understand the coercion piece of this, the lying, emotional and psychological abuse that you’re under. So they’ll just think, what’s wrong with her? Instead of realizing that you are suffering from severe trauma, gaslighting and you cannot see straight. It’s not your fault, so instead of actually helping you, some blame you. It’s a lot harder than people think.
And I found the same thing. Even though their purpose is to be helpful, that is not exactly what happens in real life. So, this is exactly why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Because women need to determine his true character. And then know what’s going to happen next, so that they can anticipate it. These strategies help women determine what the right thing is for them and their particular situation.
The Fifth Red Flag: Studied Manipulation
Anne: To introduce this part of your story. So the fifth silent red flag in a relationship is that they actually study this type of manipulation. There are books about how to be a pickup artist, how to manipulate women, how to control women. I highly recommend that every single woman who listens to this podcast read the book Men Who Hate Women by Lara Bates.
She outlines all the ways in which they learn how to manipulate women, and they do it on purpose. You can find that book on our curated list of betrayal trauma books. Can you talk about that?
Ayla: He moved his stuff around, and had left them out and forgot to put them back when he went to work. I looked and found The 48 Laws of Power, which is a detailed brainwashing manipulation book. And then The Art of Seduction at the time, I overlooked it. I thought it was like a couple’s book. But when I researched it after I left, I realized it was a how-to manual about how to catch, a victim.
Ultimately, give them PTSD to make them controllable, discard them. And get a new victim and do the same thing over and over again. It’s just absolutely atrocious. The book uses the term victim 277 times. It uses the word prey 13 times, but it’s still there. It was so shocking, and it is banned from many prisons, state prisons across the United States. Because they understand how damaging these books are.
Discovering Manipulation Tactics
Ayla: And how bad it would be if these inmates started studying these books. Because that’s all they have is time when they’re sitting there. So studying this material would make them have more of a criminal mindset. When I found these books, especially The 48 Laws of Power, it was like that movie moment where the shift in view of the focused camera just completely zoomed in. And I realized, Oh my gosh, it has been a lie this entire time.
And then a few months after we met, after he put me in the hospital, he was never tried, never went and saw a judge to get a sentence. It was thrown out because his story was different from mine. But he sat in jail for three nights, and created this elaborate plan to get back at me. And to make sure that I suffered financially, emotionally, and that he was going to try to put me in jail. So that way I never knew my son and my son never knew me.
His words, I wish I had recorded it, but it was a bold confession of truth because he thought I was breaking up. I left finally a month later, when I finally mustered up the courage to leave.
Anne: A bold confession of truth and also a threat to keep you in the relationship. I mean, he was threatening you. If you leave, these things will happen to keep you there. So even if it’s true, it’s still a threat with the goal to maintain control.
Court-Ordered Visits & Continued Abuse
Ayla: Absolutely, and then I called the domestic violence hotline again to see about a restraining order. I was trying to do it quietly, and not have to see him one more time. So I called the police, filed a report. I had unplugged the surveillance camera. So he came home as I left with the police. They granted me a four year restraining order, even with very little evidence. I was grateful for that. It was a pure miracle. But that’s how I got out.
And I was legally abused for the past year and a half. I’m homeless, living with family. It’s so hard to It would be so hard to divorce without family support.I’ve lost everything. My car has been taken from me. The courts have forced me to continue to have my son keep a relationship with his father. So I am forced to travel once a month to have my son do two four hour visits in two days. I’ve spent over $9, 000 in the past 10 months.
I haven’t been able to get a job because of these trips, because I have to travel around five days for these trips. The plane tickets are too costly, so I have to drive. It’s a 10 hour drive. So, even after this fact, the courts are allowing the abuse to happen because they’re part of the abuse that is now happening in this aftermath. Finally, this last hearing a couple of days ago, the commissioner finally heard me after I spelled it out.
With the details and facts of I’ve spent over $10, 000. I’ve traveled over 50 days for them to do 60 hours of visitation. Outrageous, putting us in icy driving conditions, desolate unsafe areas.
The Court System’s Failures
Ayla: Staying in hotels where there are drug addicts outside. It’s absolutely appalling how much as a victim I was trying to get help, and my life has been completely ruined, blown to smithereens. I’m doing my best to stay grounded and positive, but I didn’t think it was going to be this way. I was anticipating and hoping my son was happy and healthy. And that I was happy and successful. I’m in a place of life right now, with my own home and a place to share love with my son.
For me personally, the hardest part of all this is the guilt that I wish I had disappeared a long time ago when I was pregnant. And he wouldn’t have found me. But now that I have to hand my innocent child over to our abuser. When the image I don’t think will ever leave my head is him throwing my son on the couch and nearly breaking his neck. The courts will never understand what he’s capable of. They believed it was an accident.
Oh, him bashing my head against the wall was an accident. Him nearly crashing the car, screaming in a rage, was an accident. You know, there were so many accidents that turn into that one fatality, and that’s the hardest part. So yeah, I’ve been following your organization on Facebook, and I always appreciate the work you have done. What you guys put out has been so helpful, because I understand that I’m holding hands with so many other strong people.
That went through similar things. It makes me feel so honored to know that the strength is shared from all of you to us. Who are deep in, in the trenches, helping us identify red flags in our relationships.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Opportunities
Ayla: So you guys, and your strength and opportunities for learning and progress, have been so wonderful and so helpful. I don’t think I would be nearly put together right now if I hadn’t found you and the amazing things you have put out. My domestic violence team, when I brought Robert Greene books to their attention. I’m not even kidding you. They scoffed and they said, Oh yeah, that culture. They were completely aware of it.
There is nothing being done to alleviate the damage Robert Greene’s books are doing. Or just dark psychology. I’ll just say dark psychology books in general. The authors attempt to say that people need to educate themselves on how not to be manipulated. If somebody’s completely unaware that they’re being manipulated, how can they even think they need to prepare for that kind of thing?
The situation and scenario when they’re completely innocent. Dark psychology is an abusive tool that needs to be discussed more, because children suffer. My son was caught in the middle of this. Because my abuser learned how to be an abusive manipulator because of psychology books. That hit home. That really hurt, you know, because my son is the most innocent angel, like all children. And they don’t deserve to be put in that position. It’s the worst when your ex uses the kids to hurt you.
I hope dark psychology becomes more of a talked about topic. I’m having the hardest time wrapping my head around that. My focus is so challenged, because I am still in shock in many ways about how everything transpired. How everything is still transpiring. I’m just blown away. And the fact that the court system is fostering this abuse in such a weird way that I was not expecting.
Gratitude Amidst Struggles With The Silent
Ayla: I want people to understand that the courts and the law are not always on your side. So we have to become more aware of preparing ourselves. And not be reliant or expect that the people who say they are there to help us may not actually be there or on our side. I’m grateful for my son every day. I struggle with the fact that I’m stuck to this abuser forever.
Especially when I’m driving at midnight and I still have five hours to go to try to get to this court ordered visit for my abuser. I’m driving in snow, and I’m like, where are my rights? To say that this is a scary situation that I’m putting myself in, and my child too. Yeah, abuser’s rights are more important than mama’s rights, my rights, my son’s rights. It’s surprising. I’m gonna say, this sounds bizarre, but I am thankful that my situation is not that bad compared to a lot of other women’s stories.
That I’ve heard. My heart just started sobbing with some of these other women that I heard in their children’s situations.
Anne: I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re going through right now. That is why I started podcasting. That is why I want women to share their stories so that we can all identify the silent red flags that identify abuse. They can be educated about the strategies I teach in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. They can start realizing all the challenges that have nothing to do with them. And have hope. I want everyone to have hope that safety is possible.
Taking One Step At A Time
Anne: And we can take one step at a time. You’re going to get there. You’re going to get there. So hang in there. And thank you so much. for sharing your story with everybody today.
Ayla: Yeah, thank you so much. I appreciate you and all the amazing work you’re doing for all of us.
It’s very heartbreaking when you’ve been with someone for more than 10 years, only to discover he is a monster hiding deep dark secrets.
My husband had been acting strange, I was so worried about his behavior that I talked to my cousin about it. He referred me to a software expert who was able to clone his phone. I wished what I saw wasn’t true. I got access all his social media accounts including deleted messages. I finally had enough proof to get a divorce. It was miserable.