If you’re wondering how long the betrayal trauma process takes to heal, here’s what you need to know.
Betrayal trauma is what women experience before and after they discover their husband’s infidelity. And it’s not just from the discovery of his lies. It’s also caused by years of invisible emotional and psychological abuse. To find out if you’ve experienced emotional abuse (even without knowing it), take our free emotional abuse test.
Transcript: Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process
Anne: It is my honor and delight to have Barb Steffens here today. Welcome, Barb.
Barbara: Thanks for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity.
Anne: I’m so honored to have you here today. Partners have difficulty finding appropriate support and help for themselves. Why do you think it’s so difficult to find appropriate support?
Barbara: First, there’s not a lot of knowledge about abuse in general. In a counseling program, when I look at the course offerings, there’s very little that’s even being taught to therapists who are getting trained about the impact on the family.
There’s not a lot of public education on the topic. And it still tends to be one of those things that people don’t understand, and so they don’t want to talk about it. So there’s just very, very little information out there. I think the general, let’s say therapist or counselor, maybe they have some awareness of addiction. But they don’t make the leap to trauma process for the wife.
Sometimes people think they know enough because they read one book or something. And so then they start saying, yes, I can help this population, and end up not being helpful and sometimes hurtful. But I think it’s a lack of information, certainly a lack of training.
Societal & Religious Misunderstandings
Anne: I’ve been talking to my mom about this, and it seems like I’m fighting two fronts. Society in general and their misunderstanding of the issue, and then also the church. Both populations misunderstand it. The religious community sees it a certain way, and they think you should heal in a certain way. That, at least for me, was not helpful at all. And then society in general accepts pornography or they don’t understand the trauma process.
Barbara: I’m glad you brought up faith community. Because I, too, have found they don’t talk about it. They’re afraid to talk about it, or when they do, they lack adequate information. And especially when the wife goes for assistance, they can get crazy kind of advice that can be hurtful too.
Like, just be more sexual. Of course, when your husband looks at pornography, you must not be doing something you’re supposed to do. So those kinds of things don’t help at all. Trying to get into faith communities to educate them on this is extremely difficult. I think they have a lot of fear, they don’t want to talk about it. I think we also know that leadership in faith communities is struggling with this.
Anne: Plus the fact that it’s trauma, and with the trauma process model, we identify as actual true victims.
Barbara: Right.
Anne: Not that we don’t have choices, or not that we can’t be empowered. But I think for a faith community, they don’t want to admit that his behavior has left a trail of destruction.
Trauma & Victim Blaming
Anne: You know, they’d rather have it be, well, this is my part. And your part is, you ask me too many questions or don’t make dinner. Or one of my coaches said her religious community told her she needed to win him over with her godly demeanor. So that type of stuff is re- traumatizing to women.
Barbara: Yeah. And you’re describing the distorted thoughts and beliefs of someone who’s engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. Those responses from faith communities sound like so much of the distorted thinking. It’s somebody else’s fault. It’s not that bad. No one needs to know. No one is hurt. They minimize, rationalize, and blame shift. And so unfortunately, many places do the same level of harm that the person does who is betraying their spouse. They use the same tactics.
Anne: Absolutely, my church leader abused me. That is more traumatizing to me than the actual betrayal. Because I went to someone for help, and they re-abused me. I say abuse by proxy, because he believed all the things my ex was saying, yeah. So describe treatment induced trauma. We’ve just talked about it.
Barbara: Treatment induced trauma is when the spouse goes to someone that they expect that someone can help me. And then in that trauma process, they find themselves feeling harmed. And sometimes the harm in that setting can feel worse than the original betrayal, because you go feeling betrayed. You need to tell someone, get some assistance. And then when they don’t believe you and you are blamed. Or it is minimized, it just adds to the level of trauma.
Trauma Process: Comparing to Child Abuse
Barbara: I compare it to a child who’s sexually abused. They have the courage to speak up and tell someone and when that person doesn’t believe them or tells them they must have imagined things. Or they shouldn’t talk like that, then that person pulls away and is even more hurt. Not being believed is worse than the actual abuse. When you are’t heard, seen, believed, or valued. It really intensifies the trauma process.
So it’s institutional betrayal. Again, this expectation that this place or this person I’m going to is there for me. Then when they turn against me, they add more harm and trauma, so that’s what it is. I can tell you, I hear it all the time.
I get emails, letters, phone calls from women from all over the United States and many other countries, and they’re all describing that similar experience. Experience of taking the risk to go and tell someone, and then not heard or harmed in the process. And it really angers me, because by now, there’s enough information out here that I would think people would know what not to do, but it still occurs.
Anne: One of the things I see is that the addict is so good at lying and manipulating. Others believe them over the victim repeatedly. And how do you get away from that if someone’s lying about you and someone is manipulating the support that you’re trying to get? It’s really difficult to want to get help, to be willing to get help, to actually make the effort to get help and then be harmed further.
Misunderstanding in Therapy
Barbara: Yeah, and a lot of times the first person the spouse visits is either their clergy, who’s going to look at it as a marriage issue, or a couple’s counselor. Who’s going to view it through the lens of a marriage issue, and it’s not a marriage issue. A lot of times people try to treat it as a couple’s issue, and it’s not. And I think, again, that’s where many partners are just as you’ve described. Harmed, not understood, or abused within the session, and the therapist doesn’t catch it.
Therapists are trained to recognize physical abuse. But they don’t have much awareness of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, especially psychological abuse and manipulation. And so again, they’re going to see that as a communication issue, rather than a power issue, a control issue or an abuse issue.
Many times people think the only trauma process is the discovery of the secrets, and that’s horrific, that’s traumatic. But what’s missed in many help settings is that ongoing emotional abuse has occurred. It’s already done tons of damage and harm to the victim.
Anne: And then sometimes the continued abuse for addicts who are “in recovery.”
Barbara: Yes, right, they may have stopped behaviors, the acting out behaviors, but they haven’t started to practice healthy relational behaviors.
Anne: Or in some cases, I don’t know if they’ve stopped acting out sexually at all.
Barbara: When partners, let’s say it’s six months to a year after discovery, and partners are still not getting “better” in their view. I’m doing that in quotation marks. You can’t see me doing that, but the partners aren’t getting better.
Pathologizing the Partner
Barbara: Most often it’s because either there’s ongoing sexual acting out that has not yet been uncovered, he’s lying, which is ongoing chronic emotional abuse, manipulation, psychological abuse, and gaslighting, just the things you were describing. So how is a partner supposed to start to heal when the traumatizing has not stopped?
Anne: Exactly.
Barbara: And so we pathologize the partner for not getting well, rather than she doesn’t feel safe. And to me, that is a huge place where treatment induced trauma process occurs, where the partner is blamed for her not getting better when she is abused.
Anne: I see that time and time again. And it’s so distressing to me because the women in these situations are feeling guilty. They’re feeling terrible. They can’t figure out why they don’t feel good when the behaviors they’re describing to me and their husbands sound terrible. And I’m thinking, your therapist isn’t picking this up.
Barbara: They’re not addressing the abusive behaviors that go along with the chronic viewing of pornography or the other types of sexual acting out that can happen with this type of addiction.
They’re looking at the acting out behaviors alone, not looking at how it impacts the character, and getting in the way of that individual caring about empathy for the people they’re harming. So they can talk about how to control their behavior, so they’re not using pornography, but they’re not addressing how this has impacted your wife. One of the saddest impacts is that it gets in the way of spouses, partners and help for themselves.
Trauma Process: Impact on Mental Health
Barbara: Who wants to get help and be told that you’re part of the problem, that there’s something wrong in you, or this wouldn’t have happened to you. And then if they don’t agree, they pull away and say, well, I can’t trust telling this to anybody, because all I’m doing is getting blamed for it. And so they pull away and don’t seek help again.
So to me, that’s the greatest damage, because we know that people who don’t get help, who are traumatized. Or who are in chronically unsafe, abusive relationships can develop longer-term chronic mental health issues. So it just adds to the level of distress for the spouse. So for me, that’s the greatest impact. But also there’s that secondary trauma that the partner experiences.
So they are not only working through the betrayal trauma process in their relationship. But they also work through the betrayal trauma they experienced at the hand of a clergy member, therapist or other health provider, a physician. Many people will go to a physician to talk about what’s going on, and try to get say medication or something. And the physician can do harmful things.
It’s the extra trauma that doesn’t need to be there, that shame that comes when a partner is blamed for what happens to them. Partners experience that anyway. That’s also our first response. You know, what’s wrong with me that this happened? How did I not know? What did I do or not do that?
That my husband is acting this way. But then when a care provider shames them or blames them, that just heaps more shame on the partner.
Seeking Help & Support
Anne: Yeah, and it’s an extended form of the abuse.
Barbara: Yeah. There’s a lot of gaslighting that happens to partners and it’s not all within the relationship.
Anne: Exactly.
Barbara: Partners are getting wiser now that there are more resources available to them, like what you are doing. This is phenomenal that you are offering this kind of information for spouses. So getting educated, ask what kind of model do you use? Do you believe all partners are codependent? You want a therapist or coach aware of what you need. And that’s their primary focus is on getting to know you and identifying how they can help you and allow you to be active in the process.
Unfortunately, I hear a lot of times partners go to get help, and there’s not much room for individual needs. Unfortunately, a lot of therapists say, well, I treat. blah, blah, blah, well, no, you shouldn’t have to train your treatment provider, if there’s prior treatment or some kind of treatment induced trauma process that they experienced, like, from their faith community. Processing that, talking about it, working on ways to find healing for that.
Talk that through with someone, so that you know what all your options are, and then do what fits for you.
Anne: For me, being stuck in that, wanting to pick it, not that I would literally want to do that, but phase. This is an institutional problem that I see within my church, and it needs to change. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t even know where to start. Last night, I spent a lot of time actually just praying.
Individual Responsibility & Change
Anne: What do you want me to do, God? I don’t know how to even overcome this. I don’t even know if that’s healthy for me to worry about the institution as a whole or feel like the weight of that is on my shoulders. But because I talked to so many women about it, I think someone has to do something. And maybe that is me. I don’t know. It’s just such a difficult thing.
Barbara: It really is. Short of picketing, I don’t know if picketing would be helpful, but the services you provide your podcasts, through the coaching you provide, are making a difference. That’s bringing about change. You know, and in large part because of the services you provide, spouses and partners have been educated. They have found support, they are connected with other women who believe similar things, and is changing the institution.
Because they are speaking up. So there are many things that we can do. It’s up to the individual to decide what makes sense for them, and what’s safe for them to do. Because this is risky stuff.
Anne: It’s not something I necessarily like to do, but it needs to be done. And I appreciate everything you personally have done.
Barbara: Well, I have experienced it as a call on my life that whenever I have the opportunity to talk to someone about partners, spouses of sex addicts, and what they need. So whatever opportunity I have to verbalize how extreme this need is for ethical and appropriate care for partners. I’m going to do it.
Anne: Thank you, thank you. I’ll be the collective voice of thanks. Thank you.
Barbara: And I’m not alone in doing it.
Trauma Process: You Are Courageous & amazing
Anne: It’s an amazing community.
Barbara: Yeah.
Anne: We’re trying to provide it for women where they are and when they need it. Because so many women are so busy with their children or their work schedules. That just one more thing, in addition to all the trauma, is very difficult. Which may be a reason why women don’t get help. It’s because they’re so overwhelmed with everything.
Barbara: Oh, absolutely, absolutely, I am always amazed when in the throes of crisis. Somehow or other find their way to think clearly enough to get help. Knowing that they can have additional support just by going online. I love that.
Anne: Shouting out into the void of the universe. We are here, you are supported, you can come. It doesn’t matter where you live. You can find us, and we are here for you.
Barbara: Yes. I want to say to the partners listening to this, that I’m so proud of you for doing what it takes to get support. And information that you’re seeking out. Because that takes risk, especially if you’ve already read things or heard things that didn’t make sense to you or hurt you. And if you are still seeking, you are courageous and amazing.
So I want you to know that. I’m grateful for these types of podcasts. Thanks so much for the work Betrayal Trauma Recovery is doing, because it’s so shaming, so scary to think about telling someone. There’s nothing more isolating, so taking a risk to listen to a podcast takes courage. So I want to thank you for that. And I want to commend you for that.
Anne: Dr. Steffens, thank you so much for being here.
Yes! I personally have found a therapy group that works with addicts and partners, as who do EMDR, and support the Trauma Model… BUT, what I didn’t find helpful was that the words co Dependent were given out very early on. Yes, it’s part of my dynamic. I see that. BUT in early trauma, it was confusing and painful. They explained it was not my fault. But, my abusive childhood left me an open target for toxic relationships. That my Co dependence added to the dance… UHG. It felt like I’d asked for it, or possibly could have possibly beefed up with someone healthy. As I was unhealthy. Not until I read My Sexually Addicted Spouse did I feel like someone nailed my feelings. I shared it with everyone in my recovery group. We all felt similar.
Yes, I have trauma from childhood wounds. This trauma has re opened all my old wounds and also made new ones. I’m 18 months in since discovery. Trauma 1. Then slow disclosure… with out help of therapist. 2. Then a few slips of my partner. Then formal disclosure (horrific and re traumatizing.) 3. Then my STD diagnosis and then major surgery. I’m healing. But my therapist is telling me I should be farther along in recovery. My partner is doing so well.
I want to scream, I’m traumatized. And still don’t feel safe all of the time. Give me a break!
Honestly, no place or therapist except BTR really understands betrayal trauma. They just don’t get it. They don’t know how deep this cuts or how long it takes to heal. BTR is the only place I’ve found where they actually use words that make sense to me. They don’t push me to just “move on” or tell me I’m not recovering fast enough. They understand how betrayal trauma breaks you down on every level. It’s not about fixing a relationship or just getting over it—it’s about feeling safe and whole again. Nobody else gets it like BTR does.
Thanks for sharing! It is such a long process!
Thank you, so much…so much, for putting this information out there. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I need because it’s been a couple of years…but I’m still a bit of a mess. I appreciate being able to feel the support even though I’ve not been brave enough to grab on.
he cheated on you and you where lucky to have found out.. would he cheat on you again ? no one can answer that question not even your husband. But if he has got a good heart . . . maybe?
Your podcasts have been my saving grace. They speak directly to my heart. I found out a month ago about my husband’s addiction. My spiritual leader told me many things that really bothered me. He told me that my husband didn’t commit a sin, that I need to forgive him, promising me that if I would forgive him my marriage would become stronger than I could ever imagine, instructing me to read books on forgiveness and telling me that if I truly understood the Atonement I would be able to forgive and trust him again. But the most hurtful was when he asked me why Eve was placed in the Garden of Eden. He then went on to answer his own question by saying, “to be a help meet to Adam. Likewise you were placed on this Earth to be a help meet to your husband and you must be true to your marriage covenants and be there for him as his help meet.” All of these things were said within the first week of me discovering his addiction.
Healing from betrayal trauma has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced. It’s like everything I thought I knew about my marriage, my safety, my worth—all of it—has been shaken to the core. Some days it feels impossible to even process it, and the emotional rollercoaster is exhausting. The pain is so deep and so raw, and it feels so isolating. Why is it that we’re expected to just forgive and move on, like nothing happened, when our world feels like it’s fallen apart? We as women are so much more than this. We are so much more than just a help meet to our husbands. Your podcasts have guided me in ways I could never express. Thank you for doing what you do. You have helped bring understanding and healing to my heart in a world I can not begin to comprehend.
Dear sister, we are loved Daughters of God, and God does not want us to be abused. I’m sorry that you were also abused by your Bishop. Your husband has committed adultery and abused you by lying to you and manipulating you, and should be held accountable. I’m sorry that you’re spiritual leader didn’t act in a Christlike way, in fact, acted contrary to the commandments – hurting a victim and enabling an abuser. He is / was wrong. You deserve to be loved and cherished. I’m so glad you found us:).
I have waited literally 29 years for help like this. My marriage is probably over because of the trauma abuse. I’m seriously working on me now and just can’t worry about him any longer. It hurts because at one time he would have done anything to get real help. I believe sexual addiction has destroyed his heart and mind like the years of trauma has totally destroyed my trust in him and the church/professional counselors who sent me back in for more harmful abuse unknowingly.
Thank you for being here in a time such as this.
I’m so glad you find it helpful!
I need help ASAP. My husband and I separated 2 years ago in August because he verbally abused my son. He is a war vet that started doing inappropriate things pre-deployment. I couldn’t put my finger on it until we had our daughter. A few months after his return from Iraq, I found myself down on the ground with his forearm on my neck. He ripped my son out of my arms and threatened to take off with him to another state where his mom lived. I told him he had PTSD and needed counseling. We took marriage counseling for a few months with a counselor that wasn’t trained for PTSD. I complained about his video game addictions and him pretty much locking himself in our closet, leaving me to do most of everything. His complaint to the counselor was I wasn’t enough for him. We both agreed we were intimate a minimum of 4 times a week, and that wasn’t enough. He quit being affectionate and started groping me all the time. Ridiculed me for watching movies like The Bachelor or Bachelorette.
It wasn’t until my daughter was born in 2015—8 years after his addiction started—that I discovered the full extent of his behavior. I walked in on him doing something to himself with my daughter within viewing distance. I had my daughter checked out because of unusual behaviors she had started at the age of 1. Plus, her dad started sleeping with both of my kids more than me except when he wanted something. My future ex finally started to seek help for PTSD in Feb 2017. He quit his medication regimen around August 2017 when he verbally attacked my son. CPS temporarily suggested I supervise all his visits but later cleared him. He then acted like he wanted to work things out with me, and I thought he was still actively seeking help.
In December 2017, I discovered he was having an affair with my coworker. We then went to mediation in February 2018. At that time, I planned joint custody. He sent my kids home not fed and sick 2 times without seeking medical attention. He continued to hurt my son, all of which has been overlooked by CPS. In August 2018, I discovered a cell phone my ex gave my son, which I had been suspicious about. I was advised to turn it over to police and CPS. They failed to do a thorough investigation and continued his rights. When the phone was given back to me, my lawyer suggested having a computer specialist download it for evidence. That is when it was discovered he would look at inappropriate stuff and then turn the phone over to the kids to play games. My kids didn’t make any outcries to CPS, so they just said it was an accident.
Fast forward to Dec 2018, that is when after 18 years I discovered my future ex is a narcissist. So many incidents of what I learned to be gaslighting. My daughter came home from a visit in January acting out strangely. She told her counselor that she saw something inappropriate on his Netflix. Unfortunately, it was brought up in one of the 4 times he chose to attend counseling in the past 2 years. He denied it and said she was lying.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, and my daughter made an outcry about her brother, which has been quite the opposite of his usual behavior. If she acted out previously, he would be the first to tell on her. We now have CPS, PO, and his court-ordered attorney involved. CPS worker has pinned me as a vengeful ex-wife and made it be known to everyone involved. Anytime things don’t go his way, he is messaging the PO and my son’s lawyer, who demand I do what he is telling me. I have turned over tons of evidence showing these people where my kids have been exposed to things and the abuse and neglect my kids have gone through but have gotten nowhere.
Dealing with this betrayal trauma has been exhausting. It’s like I’m screaming into the void, and nobody hears me. The gaslighting is constant, and I feel like I’m being painted as the problem even though I’m just trying to protect my kids. It’s so hard to keep going when every time I try to stand up for my kids, I’m shut down by the system. It’s been mentally and emotionally draining to constantly relive this while watching my kids endure it. I feel so alone in this, and I just need some advice, please.
L, we’re here to help. Have you considered joining our daily support group? We have sessions multiple times a day in multiple time zones: https://www.btr.org/support-group