3 Ways Your Husband May Be Grooming You

Does he say he's changing, but you still feel unheard and confused? Learn how your abuser is grooming you and how to find safety.

Abusers often groom their victims by manipulating them and others into believing they are working toward lasting change. This grooming can manifest in various ways, such as attending therapy to show commitment to change or making promises they never keep. Here are three ways your emotionally abusive husband may be grooming you.

1. Your Husband Is Grooming You If You Had To Convince Him He’s Abusive

A man who isn’t grooming you isn’t abusive. Many victims find themselves in a draining cycle of consistently “teaching” their abuser about the harm he causes. This cycle leaves victims emotionally exhausted, physically depleted, and sexually debased.

Michelle, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, shared:

“I spent over a year trying to convince him he needed to ‘work on his issues’. I should have focused on my own emotional safety.”

Even after a year of consistently trying to make him see reality, her ex-husband wouldn’t, and still won’t, grasp the depth of the harm he caused. This painful truth is crucial to accept: you cannot convince your partner that his actions have caused you immeasurable harm.

Does Damaging Behavior Keep Happening? It's Called the Abuse Cycle.

2. Your Husband Is Grooming You If He Agrees With You but Doesn’t Change His Behavior

Abusive men often groom their victims by feigning agreement to change, only to continue their harmful behaviors in secret. For instance, Michelle expressed her discomfort with her husband’s use of pornography. He acknowledged it was wrong and promised to stop. However, three years later, Michelle discovered he had been lying and simply hiding it better.

This tactic can cause profound confusion and emotional distress. Many women feel bewildered, fearful, and unheard when their husbands repeatedly lie to them.

A listener of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast shared:

“The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast saved me, and I can’t thank you enough! I listened to the first episode a bit reluctantly because I wasn’t sure if the title fit my situation. But after listening, I realized that most of the time, my husband was just grooming me. I couldn’t understand why he’d make promises and never follow through. Now I know.”

Women are often misled by abusers, inadequately trained therapists, and even clergy to accept statements such as:

“He’s doing so much better; he only acted out three times this week instead of every day.”
“At least it’s an improvement; he’s only using pornography now instead of visiting a massage parlor. He must be changing.”
“He’s just fantasizing now; all men do it. He’s made so much progress. Stop being so hard on him.”
“These habits are hard to break; give him some time and expect occasional relapses.”

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), we believe every woman deserves respect, kindness, and emotional safety. Men who profess to be changing while continuing to betray their wives are grooming them for further emotional abuse.

Doing The Bare Minimum: A Sign That Your Husband Is Grooming You

Unfortunately, abusive men often put in minimal effort to groom their victims. For example, if you ask him to join an abuse cessation program, he may agree and appear reformed for a few months. If you request intimate and emotional space, he might initially oblige, but eventually manipulate you into spending time with him.

3. Your Husband Is Grooming You If He Uses Therapy as a Tool for Manipulation

Abusive husbands may attend therapy sessions to feign a commitment to change. However, they often exploit the therapeutic setting to manipulate both their partner and the therapist. They might distort the narrative to garner sympathy or shift the blame onto the victim, making her feel responsible for their abusive behavior. This tactic is especially insidious because it disguises the abuse under the pretense of seeking help, further grooming their victim.

Another member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shared:

“My husband always agreed to go to therapy, but each session ended up focusing on how I needed to change to help him. It was never about his abusive behaviors. He manipulated the therapist into seeing him as the victim, and I left each session feeling more confused and blamed.”

This kind of manipulation not only undermines the therapy process but also deepens the emotional abuse, making it even harder for victims to recognize the grooming tactics at play.