If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage?” Here’s what you need to know.

To understand your situation, start with this free emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband is emotionally abusive.

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, shares boundaries from a Christian perspective on the free BTR podcast. Tune in to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session.

Choosing To Identify The Emotional Abuse

Believe it or not, one of the most important boundaries that a woman can set for herself is to identify the abuse, no matter how difficult it is.

A lot of women worry about [identifying the abuse], because they think, ‘If I start focusing on it or I start to define the abuse then it will exist,’ but it exists anyways. The abuse is there whether you recognize it or not. Identifying it won’t make it worse, it will enable you to get to safety, which is awesome.

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Setting an Education & Empowerment Boundary

Be on your guard. You need preparation. You need education about this. God doesn’t want us to stick our heads in the sand.

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

When women courageously choose to become educated about abuse and trauma, they may open the floodgates for difficult emotions like grief, anger, and fear. However, setting a boundary to learn about abuse and trauma can help victims lay a strong foundation as they begin their healing journey.

Separating Yourself From Abuse: Safety Boundaries

The primary purpose of a safety boundary is to facilitate a life that is as abuse-free as possible.

Victims can give themselves permission to set boundaries that separate them from abusive behaviors.

2 Corinthians 6:17 says, ‘Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord…’ There is a clear call for boundary setting with someone who is not exhibiting healthy behaviors, ‘Be ye separate.’

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Separating from an abuser can help a victim see more clearly and determine what next steps to take.

What Do Safety Boundaries Look Like?

Setting safety boundaries can be confusing for many victims of emotional abuse and betrayal. Some helpful ideas include the boundaries:

• “I do not have sex with an abusive partner.”
• “I choose to be treated with respect – if I am being abused, I will remove myself from that person and live somewhere else.”
• “Because I feel unsafe when my partner yells at me. When I begin to feel unsafe, I will leave the room before he has the chance to yell.”

“If you set a boundary and you feel peace and you can breathe, because you feel safe, then you know that boundary is good.”

-Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Boundaries In Marriage

Anne: It’s just me today. Before I discovered the Living Free strategies. I searched to figure out our deliverance, even before I knew the word deliver. Myself and my children from a situation that we were in because we were being abused for eight years, post divorce. And I couldn’t figure out how to protect us. So I searched and prayed a lot. And this episode is from back then, when I was studying the scriptures a lot.

So if you’re not interested in hearing me talk about scriptures, and what does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? Maybe skip this episode. This is my study of boundaries. And since then, and through this process. I discovered the Living Free strategies. Which I used. And now my kids and I are completely free. And all the things I hoped for did come to pass. So that’s brought so much peace.

And I love sharing this with you, with hope and faith. Knowing that this is possible, even though it might be very hard. My goal is to bring you hope to take one step at a time. You can find the Living Free strategies in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Which is a workshop that helps you see your husband’s true character, determine what is going on, and then gives you safety strategies.

The workshop itself doesn’t have any scriptures in it. I wrote it in a secular way, so that it would apply to everyone, no matter what their faith or paradigm.

Boundaries in the Scriptures

Anne: In the back of the workbook, there is a section that relates to the scriptures I studied, If you’re interested. I wanted to make sure anyone could use these strategies, because they work for everybody. They work no matter what. Learn more by clicking this link.

So the rest of this episode is from before then. When I studied about boundaries, I picked a specific pen color that I would read the scriptures with, and then I would underline and circle scriptures about boundaries. And then this episode explains when I came across the word deliverance, and I picked a different color for the word deliverance and started studying deliverance. So I hope you can benefit from hearing part of my process of discovering the Living Free strategies. All right, cue up the recording from years ago.

I am gonna focus on boundaries. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? So that you can see that there are many instances where God has told us to set boundaries. I think that will be helpful to you, and maybe give you some confidence. And also give you the support you need to set the boundaries you need to set for safety. It’s not a bad thing to start to define the abuse.

Many women are worried about that, because they think that if I define the abuse, it will exist, but it exists anyway. The abuse is there whether you recognize it or not. And so identifying it won’t make it worse. It will enable you to get to safety.

Examples of Boundaries in Matthew

Anne: So we have an example of boundaries in Matthew 25. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? Talking about the 10 virgins and the wise set a boundary. In verse 9, “the wise answered saying, not so, lest there be not enough for us and you, but go ye rather to them that sell and buy for yourselves.” And then in 10 it says, “And the door was shut.” So there we have an example of God supporting a boundary,

He’s talks about the unprofitable servant who wouldn’t do what he should do. And so in verse 30, it says, and cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. So that guy did not like that boundary, and he screamed and yelled, and he threw a big fit, but God did it anyway.

And you don’t have the power, obviously, to throw somebody into outer darkness, but you have the power to create boundaries that work for you. It seems hopeless so many times, but it’s not. I want to give you that hope.

No contact is one of those boundaries that I think is helpful for victims. In Matthew 26, Jesus shows his version of no contact in verse 63. It says, “But Jesus held his peace.” Meaning, he doesn’t say anything. He just decides to go no contact in that scenario. Another example of Jesus shutting down communication is in Mark chapter 11, verse 33. He says, “neither do I tell you by what authority I do these things.”

What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Warnings & Preparation

Anne: So Jesus says, you know what? You’re just going to use my words against me. I’m not going to talk to you about this. Now, some of us are frustrated that we’re in this situation in the first place, right? Why do we have to live in a world where this is happening?

What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? But throughout the scriptures, moving into Luke chapter 10, verse 3. “God tells us, Behold, I send you forth as lambs among wolves,” meaning be on your guard. You need to prepare. You need education about this. He doesn’t want us to stick our heads in the sand.

And in Luke, there is an awesome parable called the parable of the unjust judge. I did a whole podcast episode about Luke 18, specifically it is called Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? You’ll find that episode specifically about Luke 18. It is good, the insight that came to me as I studied it. I won’t go into that now, but I want you to listen to that episode.

Here’s another example of not engaging in conversation in Luke 22. “They ask him, are thou the Christ?” And in verse 67, he says, “if I tell you, you will not believe. And if I also ask you, will you not answer me nor let me go?” He does not engage in their discussion.

Testing Boundaries

Anne: Now, this one is not regarding boundaries, but I like it. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? It’s John 7, verse 17. And it says, “if any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God or whether I speak of myself.” And I think that’s true of boundaries. When you’re testing something and want to know if this is true or not, you’re not going to know if it works or if it’s good for you unless you try it.

And an abuser wants to control everything, and he doesn’t want you to try anything new. And he wants to make sure you don’t do anything that would make him uncomfortable. So when you experiment with boundaries, it might make things worse for a little bit.

At the same time, if you set a boundary and feel more peace, you can breathe and you’re like, Oh, I feel safer. Then you can know that that boundary is good, but you can’t know things if you don’t do them. Someone who is never honest will never know why honesty is important. Someone who does not obey the law of chastity won’t know why the law of chastity is so awesome.

You can’t understand a principle if you do not live it. Except I don’t think you have to try drugs to know that they’re bad. Like, you don’t have to use pornography to know it’s bad. So, anyway, just take all that, what I said, with a grain of salt. There are so many things that I don’t say the right way. I appreciate you knowing that every word I say doesn’t always come out the exact right way. So thanks for your patience.

Christ uses Boundaries

Anne: What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? Here’s another verse where Christ disengages. It’s John 8, verse 59. “Then they took up stones to cast at him, but Jesus hid himself and went out of the temple, going through the midst of them, and so passed by.” So he doesn’t say, hey, don’t throw stones at me.

He is just out. And in John 9: 27, he’s again disengaging from conversation. “I have told you already, and you did not hear. Wherefore, would you hear it again? Would you also be my disciples?” Basically saying, we’re not going to get in an argument about this, because I’ve already told you, you already disagreed with me.

And so we’re done. My favorite example of Christ setting a boundary is during the three temptations, the one where Satan tempts him with throwing himself off a building, and instead of being tempted into an argument, which is what Satan was really tempting him with, he was not tempting him with throwing himself off a building, because that’s a stupid temptation, no one would do that.

He was tempting him with an argument, and instead of engaging in the argument, Christ says, “Get thee hence.” He sets a boundary of, I am not going to engage in this conversation with you. Because as we know, you cannot have an argument with Satan. It just leads to chaos and pain, and it never gets resolved. So in the Bible, after the Testaments of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, then Christ is crucified.

What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Paul’s Teachings on Boundaries

Anne: Then we have the Apostles, mainly Paul, talking about how to live the Christian life. There are a few misogynistic scriptures that I do not like that Paul wrote that I do not find comfort in. And instead of going into that, I would recommend you read Jesus Feminist, which is on our books page. But I will cover the scriptures from Paul that I find comforting. And I think you’ll find them comforting. Where Paul admonishes the righteous to set boundaries for their safety.

Here’s one. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? This is in Romans 16 verse 17, “Now I beseech you, mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned, and avoid them.” Meaning notice who is not being honest or faithful or keeping the law of chastity, and avoid those people. Pretty cut and dry. He does not say, Oh, understand them, and make sure you don’t shame them, and make sure you listen to them and are safe enough for them to tell the truth. He just says avoid them.

In 2 Corinthians chapter 6 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness, and what communion hath light with darkness. What agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God, and God hath said, I dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.”

“Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord.” There is a clear call for a boundary to be set with someone who is not exhibiting healthy behaviors. “Be ye separate.”

What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Ephesians & Thessalonians on Boundaries

Anne: What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? In Ephesians chapter 5 verse 11, Paul says the same thing. “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” The only way to reprove is to set a boundary. Because if we start telling them, hey, you can’t do this or you can’t do that, it just gets into an argument and makes things worse.

In 2 Thessalonians 3, verse 6, he says, “Now I command you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly.” Again, a clear call for boundaries from Paul. And this one, many people are familiar with, and it’s going to list a bunch of unhealthy behaviors, and then at the end it’s going to issue the call for the boundary. So, I’m going to read through this. It’s 2 Timothy chapter 3. This is talking about the perilous times that will come in the last days.

“This know also that in the last days perilous times shall come, for men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high minded, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.From such, turn away.”

So the boundary is in verse five, and he says directly, “from such turn away.” He doesn’t say try to understand why they’re doing it and doesn’t say go to couple therapy with them. He doesn’t say make them dinner and do their laundry.

Boundaries vs. Vengeance

Anne: He says, from such, turn away. And then he says, “So do these also resist the truth. Men of corrupt minds reprobate concerning the faith. But they shall proceed no further, for their folly shall be made manifest to all men.” Now a boundary is different than vengeance. So what I’m talking about and what Paul is talking about is setting a boundary for safety.

This is Hebrews 10 verse 30. “Vengeance belongeth unto me. I will recompense, saith the Lord. Again, the Lord shall judge his people.” So we know that like punishment or vengeance that belongs to God, but setting a boundary is for safety. That is different, that’s not what we’re talking about. And that’s not what Paul’s talking about.

Peter also teaches boundaries in second Peter chapter two, verse 17 and 18. He says, “These are wells without water, clouds carried with tempest, to whom the midst of darkness is reserved forever. For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh and through much wantonness.”

“Those that were clean escaped from them who live in error.” So that boundary is those who were clean escape from them who live in error. Here’s the epistle of John. He says, “If there are any come unto you and bring not this doctrine, receive him not unto your house, neither bid him Godspeed.”

And I’m going to end there. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? There are so many examples of boundaries in the scriptures. If you are a Christian and study the scriptures, I encourage you to choose a color for boundaries and start looking for it.

What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Personal Revelations & Commandments

Anne: What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? The word deliverance, it comes up over and over again, and how God enables the righteous to have the power of deliverance. Part of my spiritual practice is to attend the temple. And at the temple, you can make covenants with God, and you can also pray and ask questions and ponder. It’s a peaceful place to receive answers. So I went with some specific questions in mind. One of them is, what would you like to tell me about my ex?

One of them is, I’m super scared and worried about custody. And then, as I’ve been reading the scriptures, I’ve noticed that many people are commanded to do things that are outside the Ten Commandments. They’re outside of the regular commandments. Like, in the Book of Mormon, Lehi is commanded to leave Jerusalem.

Then later, once they get to the Promised Land, Nephi is commanded to separate from Laman and Lemuel. And so I was wondering if God had any commandments specifically for me. So I asked, do you have a commandment specifically for me? So I wrote these questions down on a piece of paper, and I left enough space to write the answers. And I took this paper and a pen and then I prayed and I wrote these things down. So I’d like to share some of these answers with you. Maybe it would be helpful.

Answers to Prayers

Anne: What would you like to tell me about my ex? God said heed him not, he is deceived. Pay him no mind, he is blind. He is gone. Then I wrote I’m super scared and worried about custody, and the answer I received was fear not all will be well. You have been and will continue to be protected. Be comforted. Be at peace. Then I asked, what thing are you commanding me to do?

And this is interesting, because I’m not good at this. I’m not good at the thing he commanded me. He said, be still. be at peace. I am commanding you to be still and at peace. You will be delivered in due time. He is to you what the Lamanites are to the Nephites. And then he made a reference to the story in the Book of Mormon that I’m telling you about when Nephi, the righteous one, separated from his brothers, Laman and Lemuel.

The Nephites were the righteous people, and the Lamanites were the wicked people. And so he referred to this in this next part of what he told me. He said, He is to you, like the Lamanites are to the Nephites, to stir you up in the ways of remembrance, to make you mighty even unto the power of deliverance. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage?

So then I started seeing this word deliver, deliver, deliver everywhere in the scriptures. As I was pondering this. The answer I received and what I wrote down was, You will be delivered. Keep the commandments and avoid all contact. You already have the power to hold no contact. Continue, you are powerful.

Encouragement & Hope

Anne: Your obedience brings power. The spirit brings power. You have all the power you need. You don’t have any less power than anyone else.

So whether you use some type of spiritual practice, whether you study scriptures, pray or meditate. I believe the situation we’re in is so much bigger than ourselves, and we need help, and this has happened with people throughout time. People have been in proximity to other people who are harming them. And God can show us a pattern for safety throughout the scriptures and through his personal answers. So I want to encourage you, if you are religious, to pray and ask God what you can do today to start making your way to safety.

And those who aren’t, just meditate on that, you know, ponder it, consider it. Open your heart to what steps you can take to a truly peaceful and happy life. There’s one other answer I want to share with you. As I prayed, he also commanded me to teach about abuse. teach about boundaries, drastically reduce my kids’ screen time. Do the nighttime reading routine consistently, and maintain no contact with my ex, which I already talked about.

And so I’ve been trying to follow those answers I received, and trying to improve my life little by little. It takes time. It takes effort. I think the main point of Betrayal Trauma Recovery is we get it. We have been there. We understand. Just take one step at a time out of the fog, and eventually you’ll turn around and look back, and you’ll realize it’s so much better. And we know what does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage.

What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage: Finding Peace

Anne: It’s no fun to be in this terrible situation and have someone say to you, It’s going to be okay. It’s not because we know it’s not okay. We know things are bad, but what I would like to offer is hope in the one step at a time method out of the fog. What does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage?

I love you, and I’m so thankful. And honored that you listened to this podcast. It blows my mind, all the people who reach out and tell me their stories. I would love to hear your insights, stories, and things that you have learned along this path that could benefit other women in this situation.

So please, I’d love to hear your comments below. Also, your ratings and reviews on other podcasting apps help isolated women find us. I also appreciate all of you who share on Facebook or tag us on Instagram or other ways of sharing this message to other women who need to hear it, who need a message of peace, who need a message of hope that safety is possible and that they deserve it.

So that ends that old recording from years ago. Uh, since then, I have delivered my children, and I have found the peace I was looking for.

If I can help give women anything it’s hope. Because it’s so overwhelming and hopeless to be in this situation. I mean, I hoped, but I had no proof that it would happen. Everything seemed impossible.

Believe emotional & psychological safety is possible

Anne: But like Ted Lasso, I’d encourage you to believe. If you don’t believe in God, believe in yourself. Believe that emotional and psychological safety is possible. When I listened to my old self and remember where I was, it’s a testament to me. That we can achieve so much more than we think. We learned what does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage.

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Living Free Workshop is specifically designed to help you determine your husband’s true character. To know exactly what’s going on, and then teach you specific safety strategies to protect yourself. Click that link to learn more.