When a man chooses to have a secret sexual basement, he’s abusing his wife. Here’s why.
A secret sexual basement refers to a hidden life that a man conceals from his wife and children. This hidden life may involve activities such as pornography, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, or workplace sexual harassment.
Having A “Secret Basement” Is Abuse
Here are all the abusive ways a man keeps his behaviors hidden from his wife:
- Manipulation
- Lies
- Gaslighting
- Emotional neglect
Did you know there are 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take this FREE emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband’s secret basement qualifies as emotional abuse.
A Secret Basement Is Abusive
Even if a man is fully transparent about his activities – thus having no “secret” basement – if he feels entitled to sex, he is still abusive.
At BTR.ORG, we understand how difficult it can be to accept that your partner’s betrayal is abuse – especially if you have been conditioned to believe that your partner is addicted and needs your support to “heal”.
If your husband has been lying to you about his secret life, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Get the support you need.
Transcript: What Is A Secret Sexual Basement?
Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about the secret basement. A secret basement is when a man has an entire life that his wife and kids don’t know about. That life can include any or all of these things: pornography, masturbation, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, sexual harassment at work . It could be why he’s on his phone all the time. He compartmentalizes his life so that when he’s with his wife and children, he’s an upstanding member of society.
Then he has this other part of his life. He participates in behaviors that would absolutely devastate and shock his family, colleagues and church community. The type of man who would have a secret basement is, at his core, a liar. He doesn’t live in truth, because there’s no truth in him. The character of a man with a secret basement has no respect or care for integrity. Meaning he doesn’t care if his actions are inconsistent with his statements.
He doesn’t have an integrity disorder. He just doesn’t have integrity. So this isn’t necessarily him breaking his marriage vows, although he absolutely has broken his marriage vows. It’s the opposite. Like he saw this public act of making marriage vows as a good way to deceive people about his true character. Let’s pretend for a minute that he was very genuine when he made his marriage vows, he did those honestly.
If he is honest, then when he wants to break his marriage vows. He would tell his wife, hey, I know I made these marriage vows. I now would like to break them and I’m going to break them in this way.
Traits Of Men With Secrets
Anne: I’ve never heard of a cheating man or a man who uses exploitative material doing that, not once. Why? Because a man with a secrets is a liar. That is his character. A man with a secrets is also exploitative. His character is based on the belief that he’s entitled to exploit people, especially his wife. When it comes to it, he puts his desire for it and his ability to do whatever he wants when it comes to it. Above the basic care or rights of other people.
So in a nutshell, a man with a secrets lies and exploits people. The addiction, industrial complex or treatment complex would like women married to men. Who have this type of character to believe it’s an addiction issue. But entitlement isn’t an impulse control problem, a brain problem, or a willpower problem. It’s just a character problem.
This is a man who thinks, I deserve to watch it. It’s my right. If you get in my way or cause me problems, complain or whine about me doing this thing that I’m entitled to do. You are taking away my rights. You’re oppressing me. I am entitled to it from you. And if you don’t give it to me or let me do it in some other way, it’s a miscarriage of justice.
And that’s how men with this type of character end up playing the victim over and over again. Because a man with this type of character will feel very oppressed when he’s not able to get what he thinks he deserves. He’s going to think you’re taking his rights away. Or oppressing him if you confront him about his use, or how he’s harmed you.
The Role Of Deception & The Impact On Wives
Anne: Men with secret basements use deception, as they use. That they don’t want their wife or anyone to know about. They’re not engaged in those behaviors because they’re an addict, although they are an addict.
They believe, at their core, entitled to that. And believe their desires are equal to air, and if they don’t “breathe,” they’re going to asphyxiate. They will feel oppressed and victimized when someone gets in their way. And his wife usually wonders where he is. Why isn’t he home for dinner? Because she doesn’t know he has this whole other life. So it’s hard for her to understand why he can’t make enough time to take out the garbage.
The character of a man with a secrets is unwilling. He’ll manipulate his wife to believe he’s unable to meet the lowest bar of decent human behavior. He wants his wife to think that his lower than lowest bar behavior is due to an addiction, disorder, childhood trauma or abusive dad. So he needs her help to educate him about how to meet the lowest bar.
He doesn’t mind being labeled an addict, and he doesn’t mind therapy because an abusive husband knows he can just lie and manipulate the therapist. But if he says his childhood trauma caused him to have a secrets, that is flat out not true. He had childhood trauma, sure. Then he had a bunch of choices to make, and he chose a deceitful character and create a secret basement.
Manipulation Is Always Involved
Anne: When he could sing Broadway musicals all day. He could eat ice cream or go for a run. It literally has nothing to do with his childhood trauma, or his abusive dad. He’s not willing to behave in a way that doesn’t harm other people. Because he doesn’t care about people. He’s not considerate of others. If he actually cared about injuring people, he would have stopped a long time ago.
But he doesn’t care about injuring other people. He just wants to do what he wants to do, and he doesn’t want anyone to bother him about it. He’s not willing to live according to principles. And due to that, you might see that he exhibits some sociopathic or antisocial patterns. These are ways of thinking and behaviors that disregard and violate the rights of others through deceit and manipulation.
One of the hallmarks of an emotional and psychological abuser. The type of man to have a secrets is that he understands sympathy and uses it to manipulate people. But he doesn’t feel sympathy toward other people. He wants his wife to feel sorry for him. So he can continue to exploit her.
The manipulation tactic of poor me. I’ve had such a hard life. All the excuses he could give sounds better than the truth. Which is: I’m going to watch it because I’m so selfish. I’m willing to harm other people to satisfy my desires.
Justifications Used For The Abusive Behavior
Anne: Just think about it this way. If I thought it was fun to stomp on my husband’s barefoot with my cowboy boots on. But he cried when I did it, I’d stop. I would stop after the first time, because I would see the look on his face. I would realize the pain it caused him. Even that example is insane. Because a decent human being would know that stomping on his barefoot in my cowboy boots would hurt. I don’t have to stomp on it or see the look on his face to realize this.
The type of man to have a secret basement. He’s never going to articulate or admit that he’s aware, educated, and conscious that he’s hurting people. And that he chooses to do it anyway. When a woman discovers her husband has secrets. It’s likely she’ll resist this type of abuse by trying to get him to get help. Thinking that that will stop him from abusing her. It takes a long time to recover from your husband’s emotional abuse. Anything that a woman does to resist this type of abuse is healthy.
Even so, we’ve found it’s not the most strategic way to safety. Because he’s been comfortable deceiving you and others this entire time. He’s known he’s been doing it the whole time. If the only time you ever hear about him wanting to change and getting treatment is after you’ve caught him using or having an affair. You can know that is manipulation. Because if he wanted to change, he would have sought help before you found it on his phone.
Religion, Deceit & More Abuse
Anne: In religious communities, when they’re caught, men with a secrets. Will profess to believe in Jesus, and repentance, and that you need to forgive. This is just more manipulation and abuse. Jesus said don’t lust after women. So, if he believed in Jesus, he would have followed his counsel before he got caught.
A man with a secrets can be accurately defined as abusive. And here’s why, to “get what he’s owed,” he’ll use abusive tactics like grooming, gaslighting, and deceit. All of which are abusive. Grooming and gaslighting to see aren’t wrong, because if you do them, you’ll go to hell. They’re wrong, because if you do them, you’re going to hurt someone else.
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Let’s say a man doesn’t have a secrets. Let’s say he uses, but he’s completely honest and transparent about it. Is he abusive? The answer is yes, because he’s participating in trafficking, which is how it is produced. The definition of trafficking is the buying or selling of people for a profit. The free exploitative material is to get people hooked, so eventually they will pay for it.
If a man is willing to consume women as products, his wife will be abused. Because he believes, at his core, that women are objects. Pretty much every woman in our community who discovered her husband’s secrets. Says that her husband also exhibited the characteristics of a narcissist, sociopath, or addict.
How To Recognize Their True Character
Anne: The most important thing is realizing you’ve discovered his true character. If you’re listening and still confused about his true character. Is he really this type of abuser? I created The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to answer this very question. Enrolling in this workshop will help you determine his true character. And help you determine if he is this type of exploitative person with that level of deception. Or if it was just a mistake because he didn’t understand.
The Living Free Workshop will also help you know what safety strategies to use as you observe. To figure out what his character is. Since I started educating people about this type of abuse. I’ve come into contact with so many therapists who use many words. They use the word disorder. They like to diagnose. And all of it sounds like word salad to me.
The more I’ve listened to all these so-called reasons or explanations of why this man is abusive. I don’t understand why they don’t just say he’s abusive. They say like, he’s got this disorder, which is abusive, and I’m like, well, why don’t you just say he’s abusive? That’s what abuse is. It’s confusing to me. It’s also confusing to me when women go to clergy for help. And they’ll suggest this is some type of sickness and health situation.
But finding out your husband has a secrets. Is totally different than your husband being diagnosed with cancer. When someone is genuinely sick, they need your support and love. But if someone uses your support and love for his own exploitative purposes, he’s deceiving you on purpose to continue dangerous behaviors. That makes him dangerous to you.
Finding Safety & Miracles
Anne: And because abusers already know what they’ve been doing. And why they’ve been communicating the way they have to deceive you. Communicating how their behavior has harmed us does not improve the situation. Because they already know, they just don’t care.
There was a time in my marriage when I had a Willy Wonka attitude about it. If I wanted the golden ticket enough, I would get it. If I wanted him to change, I could pray and have faith, and not give up hope. And miracles could happen. I believe in miracles. But I discovered that focusing on my own emotional and psychological safety created so many miracles. I am the miracle, my life is the miracle. So determining your husband’s true character is the first step on your way to a miracle.
Again, to find out more about The Living Free Workshop and how it can help you determine your husband’s character.
Holy cow, when you said, “they don’t have an integrity disorder, they just don’t have integrity” MIND BLOWING!! Anne’s applications for women who are in this situation are so helpful! I have been wondering about what is wrong, why it is wrong, and what to do about it, and this podcast reflects my situation so strongly! As Anne says in the podcast, it is very helpful to know the truth so we can take action, and what step to take next. This podcast is very, very much appreciated!
This podcast is something *EVERY* woman that is in a relationship with a lying, cheating husband needs to hear!!! Especially if she is trying to decide whether to stay or to go. Thank you SO MUCH, Anne, for having him on your show! BTR is the only one who truly understands the dynamics of these relationships. I only wish I had heard from him 10 years ago when I really needed to hear this… With deep gratitude to you!!!
I found BTR while doing research after the end of a relationship.
I never thought “betrayal” was abuse. When my partner confessed to meeting and being in a relationship with another woman, he did not “confess” because he was feeling guilty or ashamed. He told me he was not going to end the affair. He was “entitled” and was going to continue seeing this woman.
I had no choice but to accept the situation because I was trapped by this time in the relationship. It did cause me massive emotional damage and what has happened since has caused further grief, trauma and psychological damage. It was worse post-separation I’ve ever had.
This article is SO validating! My spouse (unknown to me) had wicked parents. His Father was a sex addict.
I honestly believed they groomed my spouse how to get a wife. My spouse did not date much. I am sure his addiction/entitlement began early in life. He showed up at church looking for a specific “type of person” one who would not Lie, Cheat, Steal and would be Forgiving and probably would not want a divorce but instead do anything to avoid it. I was that sucker.
He was well taught. He had a PHD in deception/gaslighting/DARVO – he’s a person who can fool everyone around them. He is loved and esteemed by all who meet him. I have often said he makes the enemy look like a child in Pre school. His Godless Hypocrisy makes me want to vomit. He has no intention of changing.
Hi, Anne. I have just started listening to this podcast and had to stop and comment with validation when addressed the three-star review regarding too much focus on religion. Oh my gosh, the bible absolutely does NOT condone/promote/support/encourage/command the oppression or abuse of women! When people have this opinion or perspective, it’s usually because the text has been misinterpreted or taken out of context. Often people take biblical truths or texts and misapply or weaponize them. So, so sad.
I will now continue listening to the podcast :). Thank you so much for your valuable tools!
“The Danger in Using the Addition Label”… “… if the real issue is sexual entitlement, and everyone’s labeling it something else and … they’re missing the actual problem, which is sexual entitlement and it’s never been an addiction…”
Does this imply that using this type of stuff doesn’t always become an addiction?
(I hope my editing doesn’t cut out anything crucial!)
I’m not sure if that’s what it’s implying – but the intent seems to be: This is addictive – sure. And what’s more – it’s abuse. And the thing we need to focus on and worry about is the abuse. It changes our perspective to know that if we’re married to an active exploiter, we’re in an abusive relationship. So to us, it shouldn’t matter whether he’s an addict or not. If he has a secret sexual basement, all we need to know is that we’re being abused, and begin to make our way to safety.
Looking at explicit material does not “cause” an addiction. There is no clinical definition for sexual “addiction,” but some sexual compulsivity diagnosis that is not an “addiction.”
Fixating on explicit videos will spike dopamine, “feel good” hormone, but the brain is not becoming physiologically dependent on it.
IF it was an addiction, and they got treatment and focused on recovery, they would become accountable, live with integrity, and pay court-ordered alimony!
How many of us have been with an abuser who can be a fantastic guy in front of EVERYONE else? If it was a problem with their personality, then you’d be able to see those problematic behaviors in all aspects of their life. If you only see those problematic behaviors after you’ve been in the relationship a while, and he only acts that way with you or the kids, then it’s not a personality disorder. That’s just called “choosing to be abusive”.
Statistics show most abusers don’t entirely fit the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or any other personality disorder. (Though some abusers do, and are even less likely to change). Childhood trauma also doesn’t cause them to be abusive.
According to the D S M 5, Personality Disorders are biological, and the behaviors are “enduring”, “stable over time”, and “pervasive and inflexible” . The D S M 5 states :
“The pattern in personality disorders is maladaptive and relatively inflexible, which leads to disabilities in social, occupational, or other important pursuits, as individuals are unable to modify their thinking or behavior, even in the face of evidence that their approach is not working. ”
(**Note “unable to modify their thinking or behavior”. This further attributes to the d s m’s belief that personality disorders are not choices, they are a part of who the person is)
You would see the disorder in all aspects of their life. Ie. Interaction with boss, coworkers, parents, wife, pastor, friends, strangers, etc. But as most of us have experienced with our husbands, they are generally only abusive to us and/or kids, but can put on a happy smile and act like a saint whenever they want to, when they want to impress someone, or when it’s important to them. This proves that their harmful behavior and mistreatment is a CHOICE, not a biological dysfunction and disorder they “can’t help”.
If your husband has a secret sexual basement, I really love what Response Based Practice says :
“Part of treating offenders with dignity … is that with very rare exceptions, we see violence as deliberate, and people who perpetrate violence as already possessing all the skills and awareness and ability to be completely respectful and non-violent before you ever meet them.
“People who perpetrate violence are not perpetrating violence all the time… If we begin to look at that then what we’re saying is, firmly, ‘your actions are deliberate and you are responsible for them. And we know that you’re completely capable of behaving differently and we can find out that you’re capable of behaving differently by looking at your excuses, your justifications, your denials.’ Because people would not bother to deny they’ve been violent if they didn’t already know it was wrong.
“It’s much more dignified to treat men as capable, competent, social actors than as people who are just stupid, hapless, are driven by forces they don’t understand and need us to tell them how to behave. From our point of view that’s humiliating and you don’t get people to be responsible in that way. So we treat men as capable.”
– Dr. Linda Coates & Dr. Allan Wade
Regarding subjection to husbands. I am Catholic, and I am so sick and tired of this verse being manipulated, misunderstood and weaponized.
It is not what Jesus taught or intended.
This verse, when understood as the Catholic church teaches it is a loving submission in imitation of Jesus and how He served. Out of love, not fear.
A woman cannot submit herself to evil. The purpose of marriage is to help each other become less selfish and more holy. It does not mean we deny our own God given dignity. God loves us! Submitting to evil would be a rejection of God’s love and grace because being in proximity to evil blocks us from feeling and receiving God’s love and care.
My ex husband was very supposedly super religious, but he just used it as a cover for his deviant behavior. He had a secret sexual basement the whole time. The whole ordeal was hyper hypocritical. He and his mom were extremely preachy, but they were the most vile acting human beings I knew. I grew up in a church, but I abandoned the church in adulthood, becoming more spiritual than religious.
One day I was curious about all the denominations of Christianity, and I did a deep dive about the history that they different factions were formed. It was very interesting and one main thread that stands out, is how one denomination broke out in other denominations. How different groups have different views of the human spirit. Like one group would believe that all people are inherently evil, and bad, and you are just assumed to be a horrible person, and need to go church to do right, and another group would be the protesters of other groups, and on and on. What really stood out, is how there seemed to be a man, that would stand up as some leader, and start making up rules, and break off into another church, and so on and so forth. And that really sticks out to me. That it was typical a group of men, making up rules for everyone else, putting women down as second class citizens.
Most of the church leaders that I have PERSONALLY met, have SERIOUS personality defects and ego issues. It pains me to learn that so many people take these men seriously, and when in need of help, they are there to shut down a woman’s intuition. They only seem interested in protecting the man’s standing in the community – rather than assisting victims of abuse.
It seems to me that formal religion, at least in the US, was built for this VERY INTENT, to strip women of their rights and freedoms. And in this way, the man could NEVER do wrong, and as such, the man has no motivation to EVER do right.
That is why so many different forms of abuse aren’t considered abuse, and women think that the horribly unsafe vibes they are feeling are in direct conflict with the church. It’s because the are!!! The church doesn’t care about women’s safety or the abuse they are experiencing. They just don’t care!
I left my ex three weeks after my child was born. He did some horrendous things and later on I found out he had a criminal record. His religious family was ACTIVE in enabling him and hiding his past. They gaslit me that it was all my fault.
They may look at it this way, because men, including her son, are treated like they can’t control themselves, and so anything they do wrong is their wife’s fault. I don’t believe that. But under the model that men are uncontrollable, I guess this is why she blamed everything on me, even though he had a violent past before we met and he continues to be violent past, even after I am out of the picture.
I’ve cut ties with my mother-in-law, but she has stalked me for 22 years now demanding contact with me and my son. I swear that woman is a lunatic.
My husband is seeing a CSAT therapist 6 months now and attending SLAA. But I still don’t trust my husband or his CSAT. He’s had a secret sexual basement for years. After reading this I really don’t have hope for my husbands recovery. I’m 65 years old and feel like 40 years of my life has been wasted on this man. He has no empathy for my hurt. He just wants things to go back to normal. Like me believing his lies all the time.
I feel this in my soul. I’m in the same situation.
Oh wow. I was gonna have my husband do sex addiction therapy, but now I wonder if I shouldn’t.
We don’t recommend couple or sex addiction therapy UNTIL you’ve been educated about abuse and understand the extent of his abusive behaviors. So here are two resources to consider BEFORE finding a CSAT:
1. Free Emotional Abuse Quiz – there are 19 types of emotional abuse, and this will help you know the extent of his emotional abuse.
2. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will give you the exact steps to figure out what’s right for you (without telling you what that is – since every situation is different!).
You can call it whatever you want, the crux of the issue is treatment. What is the best treatment therapy for victims of sexual betrayal?
At BTR we don’t believe that victims need “treatment” per se. They need skills to get to safety. And they need to be safe. Emotional, psychological and sexual safety IS the treatment. Do you know what emotional and psychological safety would look like? Are you making your way to safety? For more info on how to do that, visit btr.org/steps to see the three steps to take next.
For victims, I believe safety is the treatment. To get to safety, consider the BTR Living Free Workshop that teaches women safety strategies.
In an attempt to avoid my husband is wasting time with a CSAT that isn’t aware of the abuse piece, who can or should he see to get the RIGHT treatment. He’s actively seeking help and wants someone who’s familiar with what he’s really dealing with. Remote or in person. Anybody?
Before you look for treatment for your husband, we recommend taking the BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop, so you can understand exactly what’s going on. We’d recommend you start there and then come back around to considering a program for your husband after you’ve been educated about abuse.
My so-called Christian husband had a secret sexual basement. I don’t believe that God ever intends women to submit to ungodly leadership. When the three Hebrews were told to bow to an idol, they disobeyed because God’s law trumps man’s law every time. So, if a husband is abusing you and saying that you have to help him hide his sin, that’s just not Biblical.
You mention therapists excusing behaviors for diagnoses. I want to mention, as a therapist, this is not how it should be. A diagnosis may explain, but it never excuses. Much like if you have say, something that could impact others. Let’s use foot fungus, lice, scabies, MRSA as examples. Those are all diagnoses. You don’t get to leave it untreated and pass it on to others in your family and say sorry— I just have this “diagnosis ”. That’s a cop out. If you have depression, NPD, BPD, bipolar, addiction, anxiety or other disorder, it’s up to you (him) to work on this and apply the treatment provided. That means, recognizing how it impacts you and those around you and working to eliminate negative impacts on everyone.