Admitted To Myself, To Another Human Being & To God Exactly Who I Am

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In my opinion, many people confuse telling people about what they did to contribute to their own problems with who they are.

My character is made up of the little choices I make everyday, and when I take stock of all the choices, and lump them into categories, I can see clearly who I am.

Healing From Gaslighting

This process helped me come back to reality. Being married to a pornography and sexual addict who often used gaslighting to avoid As an abuse victim and the wife of a man with a pornography addiction, I had a hard time separating out reality. Was I really as awful as my husband described? Was it really wrong to ask questions and share my opinions? Was it really wrong to ask him to stop swearing? Was it really wrong to . . . 

I discovered that because of my fear and desire to control the situation I developed control issues. From the beginning of our marriage, my husband struggled with anger and depression. So I took it upon myself to help him with his mental health. 

I Tried To Manage My Husband's Mood

One way I tried to manage my husband's mood was to "help" him with his clothes and the way he walked. I can see now how controlling this was - and non-sensical. I wanted my husband to be comfortable and confident, so I endeavored to pester him about his shoes and clothes. I have a lot of remorse about this. At the time, I would tell myself that all women do this. Or I would justify it by my intention, which was to "help" him. But even when he had what I thought was comfortable, more up to date clothes, obviously it didn't solve his narcissistic traits, abusive outbursts and addiction problems.

I am so sorry about that. It must have felt sad from his perspective. I really love my husband and when I think about the way my desperation for safety affected him, I want so badly to tell him how sorry I am, and for him to feel it. When we were together, I tried many times. But as he was escalating, I repeatedly asked for his forgiveness for these things, and it generally led to more gaslighting and accusations, rather than connection. 

I have not yet been able to make amends with my husband, and my therapist and sponsor say it will be a gift from God when it happens. So in the meantime, my way to make living amends to send him goodwill. To pray for him that he will have the same things I want for myself. Peace, safety and security.

I Am Right With God - I Hope

I went to the temple and participated in a religious ceremony called "sealings" with my parents last week. I was nervous, as I knew it would be facing some difficult emotions. When the first couple knelt and the sealer started, I felt a sense of peace wash over me that I had indeed kept my covenants (the promises I made to got on my wedding day). I had cared deeply for my husband and sought his welfare through-out our marriage, despite my crazy attempts to establish safety in non-sensical ways. I felt completely connected with God - for about two minutes.

Then I started crying, sobbing, uncontrollably. I gasped. I cried my way through actually performing one set of sealings, and then I excused myself. As I stumbled to the celestial room, temple workers reached out, as if to say, "Can I help you?" I just kept walking and sobbing until I got to celestial room, and sat in my usual chair at the very back of the room - the chair where I feel like I have the most privacy. And I cried. 

I have done this almost every week. I sit in that chair in the temple, and I cry. I ask for God to direct me and help me. And even though my life is peaceful now. Our home is peaceful and it has an amazing feeling, I am still struggling with grief, feelings of being abandoned, and trauma. I have learned to recognize that my feelings aren't because things aren't right. Things are exactly how they should be. It's because it will take time to heal from the ordeal.

So I'm using this time to really see myself as I am. Who am I? And then I'm asking God to turn me in to who He wants me to be. It obviously a long process, but I'm on the path, and I'm grateful to be where I am.