Discovering my husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, was the most painful experience of my life.
Savannah shares her story of resilience and acceptance in the aftermath of her husband coming out after fourteen years of intimate betrayal.
My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – The Emotions Are Overwhelming
In fact many women in our community face intense and overwhelming emotions in the face of learning that their husband has betrayed them with men. They grapple with blame from clergy, family, and friends, while trying to stay in the reality that sexual orientation or preference has literally nothing to do with them. Also, below is a list of common emotions and thoughts that women facing this situation experience:
- Intense rejection
- Fear that they “turned” their husband gay
- Shame
- Embarrassment
- Grief over the thought that the relationship was never authentic
- Anger
- Intense frustration over the time wasted
- Sorrow for children they share with their partner
- Self-blame for not “seeing it sooner”
- Self-loathing as they perceive themselves as not good enough, or not attractive enough to “keep their husband straight”
- Intense anxiety that the same situation will play out again in future
Am I Horrible For Feeling This Way?
When your husband betrays you with men, you may grapple with the worry that you are homophobic for feeling complex emotions, including anger, disgust, rejection, or grief. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz.
Because It’s important to give yourself space to feel the spectrum of emotions that all betrayal victims experience.
At BTR, we understand the devastation, shame, and heartbreak that victims experience. Please don’t suffer alone. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.
Transcript: Finding Out My Husband Betrayed Me With Men
Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Savannah. She was raped at 17 years of age, and a pregnancy resulted from that. She chose to keep her child. And 23 years later, after 17 years of marriage, she found out her “husband betrayed me with men.” And for most of their marriage he was a sex addict. To heal from these traumas, she started summiting mountains, running ultra marathons, regular marathons, standup paddling, any kind of active outdoor activity.
She did it. I also love being out in nature, so it’s great to talk to someone with similar interests. Let’s start with your story. How did you feel when you found out about your husband?
Savannah: Not only is he a sex addict, but he’s also addicted to drugs and alcohol and was leading a double life. And I didn’t know any of it. I found out on Thanksgiving Eve. Once I realized his behaviors were not something I’m accustomed to seeing, he literally tripped out on drugs when he came home that evening.
I started going through his phone, his websites, and everything on technology. Through that, I started realizing. oh my gosh. We have a major problem here. This is not just drug related, there are other addictions involved. It was devastating. It was devastating to go through and scroll through your husband’s phone, which I’m sure many of you have had to do, and finding all this pornography. My discovery happened over five days in front of my eyes.
Understanding Her Husband’s Identity
Anne: When you found out that your husband had betrayed you with men? Are you thinking, is my husband gay? Like, what were your thoughts?
Savannah: In my situation, my husband, I found out, is gay. It does not mean they’re gay if that’s happening with other women’s husbands. For my husband, he identified as gay. He moved out. We are now divorced. And he does not even live near me right now. He is now leading and living a gay lifestyle. For me, I never thought I’m not enough. In some cases, maybe I’m too much. You know? Maybe I’m just too much.
Just from women who have these conversations about this exact topic, my spouse is leading a same sex lifestyle. And I even had that thought, “did you turn them gay?” No, I didn’t turn my husband gay. Women ask, Why are they doing that? Why are they turning to men? Many women have these thoughts, this isn’t even about you. None of this is about you. This is about them not being truthful or honest where they’re at. And unfortunately, getting projected onto you.
Because again, it doesn’t always mean they’re gay. It could mean that for whatever reason they’re turning to men as a way of acting out. For him, he just wasn’t living an authentic life.
For myself, it was 14 years worth. So, for who I am as a woman, I’m a mom of three boys. It would be very difficult for me to be in a relationship when he’s identifying himself as wanting to be with a man. I’m not a man.
Deciding to Leave
Savannah: Once all this surfaced, I realized our intimacy wasn’t what I needed, what I wanted, and what I deserved as a woman. So, I couldn’t live in a relationship like that anymore, because I wasn’t living in an authentic life because he wasn’t living in an authentic life. My husband betrayed me with men. My choice was to leave. I do know women who have chosen to stay with their spouses, because even though they identify as gay, they have chosen. No judgment. Look, if that’s what works for them, who am I to judge?
Anne: Yeah, I think that’s important to trust that a woman will make the best decision for her, depending on her circumstances.
Savannah: Right, and for their kids. Some people choose to stick around or stay together as a couple until the kids are older. More power to you if that’s what you choose to do. Because I actually did try, I actually believe it or not. I did try for a little bit to make it work. I didn’t want to make any rash decisions until I had all the facts and emotionally felt secure enough to do it from a place of clarity.
He went to rehab for 35 days, and then we talked to the kids in the spring, and then also again in the fall. I’m one of those people where I have to go to the extent to make sure that I’m making that right decision. And so I was building the foundation of what could my life look like. Could we even possibly make any of this work?
Now we’re into the future until the kids get older. And in the fall, I knew it wouldn’t work.
My Husband betrayed me with men: Support from the Church
Savannah: In terms of the church community, I’m Catholic. I immediately went to Monsignor. He was extremely supportive. I told him my husband betrayed me with men. He understood. What was going on and what needed to be done. He’s never once questioned my decision or the way I’ve handled it. He held me to my own beliefs to ensure that I was doing the right thing as a mom, which I appreciated. I don’t listen to a lot of the talk people do behind my back.
People ask me what about the people that talk behind your back when you’re sitting in the pew. Do they look at you funny or whatever? I don’t care. I’ve just never been one to care. I’ve been through enough stuff in my life that I know that if I’m standing in my own place of integrity and my own truth, and doing what I know I need to be doing for my kids and myself. The rest can go by the wayside.
I’m actually getting my marriage annulled right now.
Anne: I am not super familiar with Catholic theology, so can you explain a little bit more about how that works?
Savannah: I’m just starting the process of annulment, and pretty much, from what I understand, and I may even be getting some of this wrong. But annulment is in the church’s eyes, the marriage. It’s not that it didn’t exist, but it created when one or the other was untruthful. I believe he knew, I believe he had some sense of what was going on within himself before we married. He says, no. I don’t want to speak on his behalf. That’s my own thought process and my own woman intuition.
Faith & Betrayal
Savannah: In the eyes of the church, you did not enter this marriage in a truthful way. So the marriage gets annulled.
Anne: In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is the church I belong to. I was married in the temple, and there are very specific requirements to do that. One of them is that you’re honest in your dealings with your fellow men. And one of them is that you obey the law of chastity, which in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints means you are not using pornography and that you are not masturbating.
If you marry someone in the temple, you assume those things are true. By them saying, I am temple worthy, and not tell you that they’re lying is extremely traumatic for so many women who find out later.
Whoa, he lied to marry me in the temple. And he not only lied to me. But there are so many witnesses of this temple marriage. There are multiple levels of clergy, and also family around who witnessed this. And all the family assumes these principles are being adhered to. So the lie is big when this happens within my church. And I think that’s why it’s so traumatizing to women when they find out.
Savannah: You said that much better than I did. It was under false pretenses. We had 300 people at my wedding. It’s a big deal. As a woman, to be standing up there accepting this man who I thought was coming into this marriage one way. Instead, my husband betrayed me with men. He was betraying me for years. It’s not like it just happened once. For me, it was such a deep level of betrayal that I fought with this one.
Annulment Decision
Savannah: When Monsignor first told me, you can get your marriage annulled, I said, no way. I don’t want to get my marriage annulled. It was still a marriage even though my husband betrayed me with men. And now, looking back and taking a lot more spiritual time to assess this, as a woman and mom, I’m thinking. He’s offering this to me, he knows it can be done, and will go through the steps to get done.
So, for myself, it’s me wanting to spiritually say to myself, you did the right thing, the other person did not, and under God’s law, under my own beliefs, and my own values and morals. So I want to enter this next stage of my life on my terms. And that means spiritually, according to my church.
Anne: I appreciate you explaining that. Thank you. In my faith, the covenants we make in the temple are with God and your spouse. I felt like I wanted to maintain my covenant with God. And some women in my faith want to cancel their temple sealing, which doesn’t mean they didn’t keep their covenants with God.
So, it’s interesting that as we embark on this healing journey, we have to grapple with what these promises meant to us as individuals. And also how our faith community perceives them, and how we want to define what happened to us. There are no wrong answers for us.
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we just want to support women in their decisions, because they know what’s best for them and their situation. As we’re talking about finding out that your husband has betrayed you with men.
My Husband betrayed me with men: Advice for Betrayal Trauma
Anne: Do you have any advice for listeners who have experienced a husband betrayed me with men?
Savannah: Definitely, look for somebody versed in betrayal trauma. Because the bottom line is actually the betrayal, right? Take some time for yourself, connect yourself with nature. Take time to meditate, take time to pray, take time to find your own safety .
Anne: Yeah, the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop has helped so many women heal from the inside out.
So many addiction recovery programs approach it from the perspective of betrayers, from the perpetrator’s perspective, rather than the victim’s perspective. It’s so important for women to know that this devastation is normal, that anyone who has been through something like this would be devastated.
Savannah: Yes, because people look at me and I am an insanely happy person, and people know me as always happy, like you’re always happy. I have moments of sadness. And I think people forget that all those who have been through this, the survivors, have moments of anxiety or sadness. Where we’re just distraught because we have been through a lot. It’s monumental, the amount of devastation that a betrayal can do to a person.
Group Support & Recovery
Savannah: Above all group was monumental in my healing from my husband betrayed me with men. Group every Wednesday, I needed that to get through this. That’s where I was at. Because it’s about learning the tools to get through it much quicker as time goes on.
So the sadness, when I find something new, even in this summer, I found something else out that I didn’t know. And so when I find those things out, it takes me into that little, they call it the rabbit hole. The little rabbit hole of devastation. But now what’s cool is that I now know the tools to pull myself out of it right away.
Anne: Yeah, having those strategies helps shorten that time from when we get an injury to when we can heal. Because post divorce, it continues to happen. Group support from Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. And the strategies we learn in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop, Those really help us heal as quickly as possible.
Savannah, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.
Gay husband i wasnt out.
I have read this “the way he chose to act out” in many articles, and again here. What does this phrase mean exactly?
When I think of “acting out” I see a toddler having a fit. I can’t image this is what is meant by this term. I hope you can clarifying it in layman’s terms.
Thank you.
You are right! Acting out IS like a toddler having a fit. In terms of “acting out” for adults, it includes a variety of abusive behaviors: writing a nasty email full of awful swear words meant to hurt you, having sex with prostitutes, online infidelity, lying to you, manipulating you to get the outcome they want. It means interacting with you in a less than upstanding way to do / get what they want – like a toddler in an adult body. Think, “I want it now!!!” I want sex now. I want my toys now. I want you to stop talking now.
They are using the term “Acting Out” as a form of Denial. It’s a bunch of filler. The man had gay sex. I have never heard anyone describe a man cheating on his wife with another Woman as “Acting Out.” So why use it when he cheats with a Gay man?
It’s a form of denial. The man had Gay sex. Just say it. Be an Adult. You can’t hide behind religion all the time (I was raised Catholic).
I have been trying to wrap my head around this very topic for over 10 years. I am still dealing with it to this day. My X is hiding behind being the VICTIM. He is the poor guy who is a gay man who society just don’t understand. And as a gay victim of society my children constantly shut me down if I express the hurt and devastation he has brought me. We were married 20 years. 20 years of a lie. I realized that I was USED as a cloak. His mother was is a devout Catholic and his aunt a Mormon. Still to this day, his parents do not know. and to this day he has made me a villain telling his parents I am horrible. He continues to lie to them telling them we are back together. Pretending to be going on trips for a month or two at a time to spend time with me as his wife and going home and telling them how I hurt him. How he needed to get away because I am just so cruel.
His mother hates me now because she believes I lure him in and dump him again. At one point he admitted himself into a mental health hospital so depressed over my ending it. His parents were devastated. Yet we had not been together in over 6 years at that point! My husband is a MANIPULATOR. While we were loving together he would masturbate at least 4-7 times a day. He was out of control! He tried to claim he had multiple personalities at one point.
He was trying to tell me his alter “Wilamina” will probably take control this weekend and he will have no choice but to do what she wants. I pointed out that as an alter you wouldn’t know what the other personality is doing, and on A DIME HIS ALTER AND HIS MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER VANISHED. My kids look at him as the poor man who had to hide who he was because of his fear of being judged. Of course, they do not know of his promiscuous lifestyle which includes men and women and disgustingly CHILDREN. For a person to wake up every day for 20 years and bare face lies to the most important person in their lives is much more than a cheater. This is Sociopathic behavior.
Let’s not forget what it takes to be that person who could care less about the person in their life who has made their life together the most important thing in their life. They take what they want from the person without remorse. TWENTY years I could have been living life with a person who LOVED ME and was committed to spending a lifetime together. To grow old together, loving each other in sickness and health. LOVE DOES NOT BETRAY. It was never love for him. It was manipulation to use me and my children to cloak his lifestyle. We all had a purpose in these men’s lives. TO HIDE THEIR TRUTH FROM THE WORLD THEY LIVE IN. If they can lie daily to this degree what else are they capable of? Cheating once or having an affair because a man is attracted and falls in love for another human a woman or a man has an emotional tie to it. An involvement with that person. Having SEX with another human being without any emotional connection is JUST SEX. You gotta love it when they tell you, “It never meant anything to me, I didn’t love them, I had no feelings for them it was just sex!” For years he was projecting himself. He would tell anyone who listened that I was a liar. He was so full of hate and venom towards me during the marriage. Always making me feel like I was not good enough. Making his family think I was the worst person on the planet. So that if I ever went to them they would never believe me. Which is true to this day. All the while he was making my family think I was a liar, it was him who was living the lie.
Agreed. On our site, women have been betrayed by their husband in a variety of ways. Betrayal can happen from anyone.
Wow. I’m just learning about my husband doing these things. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for sharing this.
In 2002, I discovered my husband’s infidelity…again, but this time I found dating websites where he was looking for men. I asked if he was homosexual and he denied. But I always suspected him due to the fact of certain behaviors he made. For example, he would never look at my naked body; he would always gaze his eyes toward the ceiling and look away. He is the worst lover I have ever had, not that I have had that many, but he treated me like a whore. He NEVER allowed me to do anything during our sexual activity. December 15, 2013 I called it quits and stopped all sexual activity. He, however, did not; although not with me.
October 28, 2019 (one week after the most recent discovery) I took the kids and animals and left before he got home from work. December 3, 2019 he finally confessed to having had over a dozen homosexual affairs over the course of our then 19.5 years of marriage. He says he is not homosexual, nor does he have attraction to men, but he does not know why he had those types of affairs.
He is addicted to exploitative material of women (although in 2002 it included men), his online affairs were with women, but his physical affairs were with men. I wondered if he was gay, but now I do want to believe he is not homosexual, but he does not look at my naked body, says he is not, but cannot explain why he was with men. I am so confused about this.
Do you have any suggestions? Does anyone have any suggestions?
I recommend scheduling a session with one of our coaches.
Sonya, I completely relate to your story.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. After 34 years of marriage it happened to me. When I read what you wrote it could have been me! It’s only been a couple of months since he on the most rare occasion left the laptop……….
Thank you for your courage.
I had a similar experience with my husband, when my husband was acting weird and shady, I was a bit worried to what might have been the problem, later I notice he grins at his phone and when I ask, he tries to cover it up within lies, this made me resort to the use of tech expert who could get into his phone, I was recommended to nineplanethacker on gmail, for phone hack and access service. The brilliant mind behind the aforementioned email address delivered extremely awesome and I was able to have access to my husband social media apps from my phone remotely and caught his lying Azz, he kept begging me now and i don’t know what to do after all the evidence i have…….
My husband cheated on me via online talking with other men about very personal things. I’m in my 30’s now and idk what to do. Years later he still states I’m not gay, I just had a break in my thought process. But my gut tells me other wise?
If you sense that your husband is lying to you, I recommend the BTR Living Free Workshop. It will take you step by step through what to do next.
Last night I finally was able to sneak my husbands phone away from him ( he sleeps with it underneath his body) and I found out he has been cheating on me for years on hook up sites with mainly men and multiple people involved in the group at the same time. We have two year old twins and he has been doing this the whole time while sleeping with me. He said he never followed through with anything but he deleted the rest of the conversations after they arranged a time and place. I also found out he re mortgaged our home when we had no mortgage. He says he’s not gay but clearly that’s a lie. I don’t know what to do.so broken right now. Does anyone have wisdoms for me
I’m so sorry! Our coaches can help you work through your next steps. Click here to see the session schedule.
My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. From the beginning of our marriage and even while dating he has cheated on me with men and women. I’ve confronted him numerous times , with evidence, but he keeps on cheating. I want to leave the marriage but don’t know how. Help!!
L, I’m so sorry to hear about how difficult it’s been for you. Our coaches are here to help! Also, our free podcast will maybe help you too. Hugs!
I found gay stuff on my husband’s phone this week. I’m shocked and don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he’s been lying to me.