Many women in our community report that they experience higher levels of trauma during the holidays. If you’ve had similar experiences, know that you’re not alone.
Emotional Abusers Weaponize Holidays
Abusive men tend to commit more abusive acts against their partners during the holidays, partially because they can’t handle it when their partners focus their attention on anything besides them. The holidays are a time when victims focus on many other things that make them happy. Abusive men can’t handle that, so they tend to create more chaos.
Victims of Emotional Abuse Can Seek Safety Through Appropriate Boundaries
While we cannot control the actions of others, we can work toward safety through appropriate boundaries.
Rather than using an ineffective boundary method, such as an If-Then statement (if you yell at me, I will ask you to leave…) try this:
The BTR Boundaries Model
We know that effective boundaries are not statements, ultimatums, or requests. Instead, they are actions that you take to separate yourself from harm.
When a situation arises where you feel emotionally unsafe, ask yourself, “What action can I take to separate myself from the harm that is making me feel unsafe?”
BTR.ORG is Here For You
Setting boundaries, especially during the holidays, can feel overwhelming. If you’re new to the BTR Boundaries Model, please have compassion with yourself. No one is an expert at boundary-setting in the beginning.
The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop can is a fantastic resource for women learning how to set boundaries. Enroll today.
I love absolutely everything about this post! Coincidentally (or not) I’m facing a near identical situation in my own marriage. He is not presently living with me, due to serious lying and acting out over this past summer. I too spent Thanksgiving with him and his family, and parts of it were excruciating. The holidays are my absolute favorite time of year. And this month, I too have declined our tradition of choosing a live tree and decorating it together. It’s taking a lot for me to maintain that boundary, even as I resigned myself to purchasing an artificial tree this year, with the lights already attached, so I could physically accommodate the task of decorating the tree by myself. I know that I’m going to miss having him here to enjoy the process along with, especially as he sits lonely in his rented room across town. I’ve been dealing with relational trauma for 15 years, actively healing through my own recovery for 10. And to this very day, setting boundaries like this one have been the hardest—and, simultaneously the most healing—action I’ve ever taken on my own behalf. All of that to say… thank you for sharing your story so courageously, V. Know that I’m holding you and your son in my heart, in my prayers, and in my deepest admiration.
What an amazing share!
I love the analogy I read a while ago about the Soda Vending Machine. If a person puts 25 cents for a long time in the same vending machine and the vending machine gave him a soda every time he will continue doing that. If suddenly one day the soda is not coming anymore. He might try to use a bill or another coin of 25 cents. If again the machine is not giving him a soda, he might start shaking the vending machine. If nothing happens he might even kick the vending machine.When we first start setting boundaries with an abusive person, there is a lot of pushing and resisting. I have experienced this. When I have held my boundaries, there was more pushing and kicking until it was understood that I would no longer enable the abuse.It is so important to understand what abuse is since I had no boundaries to begin with because I had no idea that I was being abused.