When a man lies, cheats, or hides his sexual behavior, it’s not just poor judgment—it’s abuse. Betrayal is abuse because he uses deceit, manipulation, and gaslighting to hide the truth.
Here’s a closer look at why betrayal is abuse.
Betrayal Is Abuse Because It Involves All These Psychological Abuse Tactics
1. Lying
He lies to hide infidelity, secret spending, or pornography use. Betrayal never happens without lying.
Hiding things like watching pornography, having secret relationships, or not being honest about money are forms of abuse.
This kind of lying is meant to control the situation and stop the victim from making choices to keep herself safe.
2. Gaslighting
He makes his wife question her own feelings, memories, and what she sees. He tells her she’s remembering things wrong or that she’s just overreacting, even when something is clearly wrong.
Abusers tell lies or create a fake version of what’s real to stay in control. This makes victims feel confused because their gut tells them one thing, but the abuser’s words or actions say something different.
3. Breaking Down Confidence
Abusers slowly hurt a person’s self-esteem over time. They might do this by always criticizing them, making mean jokes about them, or ignoring their feelings.
Want to learn more about the 19 types of emotional abuse? Take this free emotional abuse quiz.
Why Betrayal Is Abuse
Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust—it affects how victims see themselves and the world.
When an abuser manipulates or lies, it interferes with the victim’s ability to trust their own instincts. Over time, this puts her in more and more danger.
How to Spot Abusive Betrayal
Here are signs that betrayal is abuse:
- Blaming you for their wrongdoings (e.g., “It’s your fault I did this”)
- Hiding or denying harmful actions.
- Criticizing or minimizing your emotions when you bring up concerns.
- Using religious or cultural systems to justify harmful behavior.
Healing From Betrayal
Healing from betrayal takes time, but here are steps you can take:
- Acknowledge the Abuse: Learn more about this type of abuse by listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Betrayal Recovery Podcast
- Get the Right Support: Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.
- Learn Safety Strategies To Protect Yourself: Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to discover if your husband is emotionally abusive and learn emotional safety strategies to protect yourself.
Remember, you deserve respect and honesty, always.
My lived experience aligns with what was said. Very validating, thank you.
Just this week I got an email from my father in law stating his son had adequately repented and it was required of me to forgive! This podcast was amazing. Premature forgiveness doesn’t work and is all about the entitlement of the one pressuring forgiveness.
It is uncanny how on point all of this information is! I wish I had known it 40 years ago!!
Listening to this podcast, the women who are betrayed go through massive hurt and damage not only emotional and psychological, but also physical. When emotions of anger, resentment and emotional hurt are not resolved then the recipient of abuse can experience a deterioration in health, heart disease, stomach problems, depression and leading to over or under eating and or drinking problems and alcoholism.
I never really showed anger or rage in front of my partner. When I was angry I dealt with my anger when he wasn’t there.
My question is, why would a partner or husband confess his “infidelity” if his wife or partner didn’t have any idea that he was being unfaithful? Would that confession be considered as emotional abuse in itself because of the shock and trauma that he had then exposed his wife or partner to?
When the ex-partner did this to me in December 2017, I remember standing in the middle of our lounge and screaming so loud and for so long that I had a sore throat. I went through trauma grief and panic attacks after his out of the blue confession.
To answer your question: affair, the lying, all of it are abuse. He’s an abuser. All of his behaviors in that situation amount to abuse. You were in an abusive relationship.
My heart breaks for all the confusion and weaponized Church teaching. See Jesus teaching and modeling in NT. He wanted to stop the tradition of women being treated as property. He elevated their dignity by spending time with them, speaking with them, ministering to them. Mary His mother was a woman. God chose a WOMAN to co-create with Him in redemption. So many have been lied to and mislead … to reject Mary is to toss out God’s gift to us us women!!
Women are and want to open and receptive … but can’t if they’re not safe emotionally or psychologically. If someone lies, they’re not safe.
God’s intended plan for marriage is to bring us to holiness, not despair!
Everything in the Church reflects sacrament of marriage, groom, bride, covenant, tabernacle, veiled … all things sacred … are veiled (our genitals, pearls, gold).
When we fully claim our God given dignity as women we become radiant in Truth.
Would be helpful to use gender neutral language on your website such as “when a person is unfaithful” instead of singling out men.
Our organization has a limited scope, and its mission to educate women about abuse in the context of when this type of abuse occurs and the victim is a woman and the perpetrator is a man. That’s also the scope of our podcast and services. But if you’re looking for gender neutral language, check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Yes, 27 years ago my then husband made a confession out of the blue also. I just had our 4th child & it was late at night while I was nursing the baby. I was so shocked. It seemed so out of character. He seemed so remorseful.
Now I suspect that he liked the impression he had built up – of being a nice guy, a great father, the best husband. There may have been a tiny part of his conscience still alive.
He probably thought “if she knows, and she stays with me, what I’m doing isn’t so bad.”
The problem was that he told me only one incident & neglected to tell me the extent of his secret life.
I suspect that my act of immediately forgiving him made the situation worse for me & better for him. I started competing for his attention against unknown women. I worked to become more attractive, less irritating to him, better at taking care of the house…so he saw only good results from his telling me that one incident. He never confessed again.
Not a happy ending though. He kept up with his secret life & I began finding out in different ways. His behavior with our family became worse: less attentive, more forgetfulness, stonewalling conversations, to the point of never being accountable for anything but a paycheck. Yet he was that “nice guy.”
I ended up using BTR group and got connected with a domestic abuse ministry at my church, which did see infidelity as abuse, and finally divorced.
My question is- Dr Minwalla offers a course for men about this subject- but does that course teach them how to change? There is a lot of On-The-Money facts in his statements consistently, he knows This stuff better than anyone IMHO- but can there be a change? What is the treatment for these disordered individuals. Are there research or studies to back up treatment of these guys? Or does he think they will always continue to lie through deception and omission, maybe even to researchers? Thank you
I am a living example of profound healing from both incest and all the lies and strongholds and disorder that caused in being married to a man who betrayed me and emotionally abuses me.
YES. YES. YES. There is healing.
One MUST persevere and be **willing** and cooperate with His grace…trust the process. The entire NT is about Jesus healing..the WHOLE thing
He is the Divine Physician!!
NOTHING is impossible for God.
EVERYTHING is possible
We must sit still and surrender long enough for Him to operate in us.
I was so gravely wounded and broken….my spouse didnt even seek forgiveness. Never. ..and I gave forgiveness..as I learned now it was false mercy..
I cannot give mercy to one whom is not repentsnt or lacks remorse.
I do trust the process though as God lead me through it for my own good as well..and for peace.