What is exploitative? A global industry that uses coercion and abuse to make money. Understanding how exploitative media harms women’s rights will help you understand what exploitative really means.
Did you know that wives of men who exploit women are likely to be emotionally abused? To discover if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
What is Exploitative? Violence Against Women
Understanding that exploitative media often depicts graphic violence against women highlights the reality that this is a human rights issue. There is a clear connection between exploitative media and violence toward women.
Victims of the exploitative media and trafficking industry are women targeted and oppressed by perpetrators benefiting from systemic privileges. Women everywhere can unite to stand with our sisters who have been harmed by this insidious industry by recognizing exploitative media for what it truly is: a human rights issue.
Transcript: What Is Exploitative?
Anne: I’m so excited to have one of my absolute heroes on today’s episode. Her name is Dr. Gail Dines. Dr. Dines is a Professor Emerita of Sociology at Wheelock College. She has been researching and writing about this exploitative industry for over 25 years.
Dr. Dines is the founding president and CEO of the non-profit Culture ReFramed, dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of exploitation. Culture ReFramed develops cutting edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and intimacy. Dr. Dines has been described as one of the leading anti-exploitation scholars and activists in the world.
Anne: Welcome Gail.
Dr. Dines: Pleasure to be here.
Anne: I’m like starstruck right now. I’m so excited to have you on and grateful for the work you do. So let’s just jump right into this. Gail, why is exploitative media a feminist issue? And why is it a human rights issue?
Dr. Dines: It was the feminist movement, especially the radical feminist movement, who first began to understand that we need to see exploitative media as a harms issue. This hurting real women. And it had real world consequences on both men and women in the industry and outside the industry. It really grew out of the radical feminist anti-violence movement, where we began to see the relationship between exploitative media and violence against women.
The Challenges Of Embracing Feminism
Anne: Some women are still uncomfortable with the word feminist. I’m trying to get everyone to be extremely comfortable with it, and to sit in it and realize that it’s a beautiful, wonderful thing. Do you have any advice for women uncomfortable with the notion of a feminist?
Dr. Dines: Well, I would say for many women it can actually be scary to call yourself a feminist. Because you open yourself up to all sorts of criticism, ridicule, and caricaturing. In this society, to be a feminist is to fight back against male power.
And whenever you resist being oppressed, the oppressor class comes after you. So I understand why some women are nervous and anxious about that. But if you want a full life, if you want to feel like you have power in the world. And sisterhood and the capacity to change the world, then the answer for women is to be a feminist and proud one at that. Hold your head up high. And wear that term with pride.
Anne: I agree, I’ve taught my little four year old daughter to say, I’m a feminist, definitely. And also my six year old and my nine year old son. And it kind of makes me a little teary to think about when they say it. It’s so cute and I’m so proud of them. Why do some feminists or some women who call themselves feminists support exploitative media?
Dr. Dines: I used to teach a whole 14 week course on this, so let me try and get it into a couple of minutes.
The Third Wave of Feminism & Exploitative Media
Dr. Dines: So, when you think about this feminism that grew out of the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. It was a given that if you called yourself a feminist, you were anti-exploitative media. There was no question. And then what happened around the 90s is that there was a sort of new movement, which we often sometimes call the third wave.
Where what we call feminism lite or faux feminism was the idea that somehow, if you embraced exploitative media. Because the argument was that we’re never going to get rid of it. So let’s embrace it and use it in ways that empower us. I would argue it was really a capitulation to male power and the industry. And what’s happened is over the years, this view that somehow exploitative media can be empowering has taken hold, especially in academic circles.
I think I need to say this, that the more privileged a woman is, and the further away she is from ever having to be in exploitative media to put food on the table for her kids. The easier it is to endorse it as empowering. It’s a privileged white position to say it, and I have to add in here, prostitution.
Many of the same women who are pro-exploiation argue they’re pro-prostitution. It’s a privileged white position, because most of those women who have that argument are women of color. They are so far away from ever having to be in it or in prostitution.
Anne: Absolutely.
It’s A Human Rights Issue: If You Are In It, You Lose Rights
Anne: Why do you think they don’t realize they’re hurting other women?
Dr. Dines: I think many students would come in with kind of pro-exploitation views. But it didn’t take long to get them to see the violence in it, and the impact on women in it.
Women who date men who watch it and got their information about intimacy from it. When you think about it, who wants to be penetrated on camera by many men in violent, brutal, and ways where you lose rights to your image, bodily integrity, and bodily privacy?
You know, so I asked my students, think about what it would be like if you had to do this to survive financially. And often I think what happens is we can theorize and theorize, but there’s something to be said for just plain, simple empathy. Put yourself in that position and say, would I want that for me? Would I want it for my friends? Would I want it for my daughter, my sister, my mother? And the answer is no.
Anne: Yeah, absolutely. The men who support this stance simply lack empathy. Do you see it’s easier to persuade women to this stance than men?
Mainstream Exploitative Media Today
Dr. Dines: But I have to say that when I give lectures to high schoolers, middle schoolers and university students. Many of them are young men, all of whom have seen mainstream exploitative media. Which we have to say clearly, mainstream online today is hardcore. That’s the only kind you get when you put it into Google, or through Instagram, Snapchat, or YouTube.
This is what it is today. Mainstream is what, pre-internet, was considered hardcore. It was hard to find in shops. You had to know somebody who had that kind. Today, it’s free and accessible. It’s anonymous, and it’s five seconds away. So the shift from 2000 when the internet became domesticated to today is absolutely remarkable. And what happens is interesting.
So I’ll go into say a college campus, and when I’m speaking, often there are hundreds of students.
This starts with these male students, who you can feel their hostility towards me. It’s actually coming off them in waves. And they’re thinking, what the hell does this woman, this middle aged woman, know about it? I’m standing on a stage, so I’m watching their body language. And as I start to talk, it is amazing to see the changes. Suddenly, they begin to relax.
Young Men Are Dragged Into The Mess
Dr. Dines: They begin to reach out, and I have to say if they could reach out and touch me, they would. Why? Because I think many of these young men have been dragged into it. It is like a spider’s web to catch young men through algorithms and all sorts of ways of dragging them into it. They see images that they themselves probably would not want.
I do not believe that when a 12 year old puts a body part into Google, thinks he’s going to see a world of brutality, violence, and torture. He’s probably thinking he’s going to see maybe breasts, maybe a vagina. He’s not prepared for what he’s going to get catapulted into. And I would argue that the industry is traumatizing a generation of boys.
And many of these boys who grow up into young men, who I’m meeting colleges, feel deep shame about what they’re watching. They want to stop watching it. Some of them are habitual or addictive users. And they are so grateful that someone has come in and said, is this who you want to be? A guy who gets aroused to images of violence against women? And for many of them, the answer is no, they don’t want that.
They’ve just been pulled into this trap that this predatory industry has laid for them. To suggest boys or men are on the hunt for violent misogyny. As a somehow biological imperative of masculinity, it is to lower the bar about men. And it’s to say boys want violence. Maybe there’s maybe a hiccup in masculinity that they want violence. I would argue that’s anti-male because I truly believe men do not want this, or boys certainly don’t want this.
Exploitative Media Harms Women In Every Way
Dr. Dines: I believe men and boys are born equal to women, with all the capacity for humanity and empathy. And I believe that as a sociologist, feminist, and most profoundly as the mother of a son. My son was not born violent or with a desire for violence. This culture certainly wanted to turn him into that, but I know he was born with all the capacity for love, empathy, and connection that women are.
And if my son was born that way, then your son was born that way. So we need to think as feminists, as men’s best friends, the ones who say to men, we have faith in your humanity. We will fight for that humanity, because the industry is about destroying it.
First of all, I think there is a moral issue, and this is not from a religious position. This is more from a feminist position, it is a moral issue, because it harms women physically, emotionally, and in every way. So I don’t think we need to say it’s not moral, but what we also need to add is that it’s a civil rights issue, because it undermines the civil rights of women. You cannot have a society based on equality if you have this exploitative industry.
This industry we’ve got today teaches men that women are a subhuman category. That women exist to be used and abused, women are just objects to be discarded when you’re done with them. And the civil rights of women cannot be fully achieved when men are trained to think of women as subhuman.
The Civil Rights Impact Of Exploitative Media
Anne: And we see that with our community. Our community is all wives of users who have been abused by their husbands. They are being harmed significantly because of their husband’s abusive views. I like to think that these men were born as empathetic, good people, and that they have become unable to empathize through their excessive exploitative media use. And because of that, their behavior becomes abusive and scary. It’s hurting families and women.
Dr. Dines: Oh, absolutely. Studies show that women who are partnered with men who are users feel greater betrayal than if their husband had an affair. So the level of pain, humiliation and shame that women feel when they find out their husband is an addict is profound, and nobody’s speaking about it.
Anne: Yeah, I guess, except me, right. What we’ve found is the trauma isn’t just from finding out about their husband’s use. The trauma is from all the abuse, the emotional and psychological abuse they’ve suffered for years. It’s mind blowing.
Dr. Dines: Toxic secrets, what’s interesting is that I meet many, many women wherever I go. I can have my hair blown out, sitting on a train, or interviewed, and many women I speak to tell me about their partners and what it feels like. And that now, once they realize what’s going on, they look back, and we always say, hindsight’s 20 20. They saw cues, but didn’t join the dots.
Recognizing The Signs Of Addiction
Dr. Dines: And I would say, first of all, there are many cues to look for. The first thing I would argue is that when you’re living with somebody in a relationship. There should be no password protected devices that you don’t have access to. That’s a big clue. If you cannot get on to your partner’s cell phone, computer or laptop, and don’t know the password, that’s a red flag. Also, if suddenly his interest starts to wane or he’s asking you to do stuff he’s never asked you to do before.
Many women say I began to see a difference in him. He acted, felt, and spoke differently. So looking back, they realized there were clues, but of course they didn’t pick up on that. It didn’t occur to them. They were unaware of how big a public health crisis this is. Of course, then comes the enormous pain. This man you’ve lived with, loved and probably had children with, has this awful, subtextual life. That you did not know about, but it’s poisoning your own life, relationship, and family.
Anne: Yeah, and that’s why we here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery actually see it as a consent issue with wives of users. They are unaware of what is going on, so they can’t give their consent in that situation. Because they’re being lied to in their most intimate relationship. So it is an abuse issue, an emotional abuse issue and a consent issue. We’re trying to help people understand that, so they can view its use with the lens of severity that it deserves.
Dr. Dines: Yeah, I don’t think any woman should consent to her husband or partner using it.
A Consent Issue In Relationships
Dr. Dines: And you know what was interesting is that many women I speak to say, well, you know, we watch it together. We don’t watch the violent stuff. And I say, well, that’s what he watches with you, but he watches completely different stuff when you’re not there. So I would say, first of all, even if you watch it together and think that’s a way to ensure there’s no secrets, there’s a ton of secrets behind that.
Because when you leave that house, or when you’re not there, what he’s watching is different to what you’re watching together. And, even if it’s not hardcore, still, the question becomes, why does he need to watch it? Right?
Anne: Yeah, absolutely, when I say consent issue, I don’t mean it in that context. The context in which I mean it is that you expect the relationship to be free of it. He’s using it, and he’s not telling you about it. There’s the consent issue. If he said to you, I will use exploitative media, whether you like it or not. Even though you say I don’t want this in my relationship, I’m going to disregard it. I will do it anyway. secretly behind your back. Then she could give her consent to be in the relationship, right?
She would say, Hmm, I don’t want to be with a man like you. No, thank you. But when they lie to her face and say, I’m not using it. No, I would never do that, and they are, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s a consent issue. Men don’t realize that when they lie to a woman about it, they are not obtaining her consent.
Dr. Dines: They’re betraying everything.
Lies & Gaslighting By The Industry
Anne: So that’s the context in which I brought that consent issue up. Let’s talk about the lies that the industry tells people to gaslight them. Can you talk about what types of lies they are using to manipulate and gaslight people into viewing it?
Dr. Dines: Oh, well, they have a multi-billion dollar well oiled PR machine to perfect these lies. First of all, they argue it’s harmless. No one’s getting hurt. It’s a victimless crime. It has no effect. Lighten up. If you don’t like it, it’s your problem. This is the discourse that the industry has sold to women and men. But specifically to women. If you don’t like it, then there’s something wrong with you.
I mean, there’s even male sexologists who write for Psychology Today, and different outlets who say if your husband or partner is using it and you don’t like it. You have to ask yourself, what’s wrong with you? What’s your problem? That is utter gaslighting of women. As if it’s your problem, that you don’t want your husband masturbating to images of violence against women, and you’re the one with the problem?
It’s insane. But the whole culture is pro-exploitation now. For Teen Vogue, and why they called it sex work, I would not call it that, I’d call it prostitution, is a choice for women. That’s coming from the teen magazines, and then you’ve got films, shows on TV.
The Profit-Driven Nature Of Exploitative Media
Dr. Dines: Everywhere you go. You’ve got this consistent message that it’s part of being hip, being woke, and being cool. That you, you prude you, you’re the one who’s got to figure out why you’re not, and they say anti-sex. In fact, I can’t think of any group that’s more anti than the producers of it. They hate it, they’re not into it, they’re into profits.
I went to the exploitation convention in Las Vegas, and when you go to their workshops, we got passes to get into the workshops, and no one’s talking about it. Everyone’s talking about money. I went to one, like, unbelievably boring session about what’s best, bulk emailing versus targeted emailing. It was as if they were selling toothpaste.
And this was interesting. It was downstairs, there are two floors. That is where they have their meetings and talks about selling exploitative media like any other business, and upstairs were the fans. So I went upstairs and downstairs, and interviewed both groups. The fans kept saying to me, it’s fun, it’s just lighthearted. And I wanted to say to them, you know what? Come downstairs with me and sit in these seminars, because no one’s having any fun.
They’re all thinking about ways to get as much money out of you as possible. This is not about fun. This is about profit. And if you took the profit out of the industry, it would collapse tomorrow. No one’s doing this because they love intimacy. No one’s doing this because they want us to have a fun life. They’re doing this to maximize profits.
The Dehumanizing Effects of Exploitative Media
Dr. Dines: And the result of their maximizing profits is a bankruptcy of emotion, connection, intimacy, and of what it means to be human.
Anne: I love how you say that. It is so degrading to humanity in general. So let’s talk about what you said. We know that people who are opposed to exploitation are not sex negative. What word would you use rather than positive? Because today, if you say I’m positive, people think you would like exploitation, and hookups are good. Describe what that means, and how that may help or hurt people.
Dr. Dines: Well, the term has been co-opted by the pro-exploitation crowd. I think it’s a real problem, because those who are against exploitation are, by definition, negative. What I always say is I am pro, and that’s why I’m anti-exploitation. You can’t be pro-pornography and pro-intimacy. You have to pick one, and I’ve picked being pro-intimacy. And when I say pro-sex, I am pro healthy, creative, fun intimacy that you are the author of.
Not a where a group of creepy men who are out to maximize profits decide what is the best act to degrade and debase a woman to maximize profits. We’ve got to think about it as an industry. Like all industries, it will do whatever it takes to maximize their profit. If it takes completely destroying a woman’s body, which they do all the time. If it takes giving her, I don’t know how many STDs.
Because we know from studies that women get gonorrhea of the eye, chlamydia of the anus, all things you don’t normally hear. If you think about what it does to women’s bodies, then how can you possibly call it positive?
Healthy Intimacy Vs. Exploitative Abuse
Dr. Dines: So what we want to talk about is what does it mean to be the author of your own sexuality? What does it mean to have fun experimentation and creativity? And that is none of my business. What is of interest to people in what as long as it’s not hurting anyone, consensual, and doesn’t involve violence. Then people should develop any they want.
Often when I go into lecture. People say to me, well, if we don’t use it, what should we do? And I say, well, look, if I was coming here to speak against the fast food industry, you wouldn’t say to me, what can I eat? And I wouldn’t give you recipes, because I don’t know what you want to eat. You figure out what you like to eat.
Figure out what flavors you like. Figure out what you want to cook. You go and experiment, but don’t ask me to tell you what to eat. Same thing with intimacy. I don’t know what’s going to interest you, but again, as long as it’s consensual, non-violent, and based on an egalitarian intimacy, go and have fun.
Anne: Yeah, I love you, thank you. I hope that women listening can gain more confidence in knowing that so many people in the world are behind you. Who support you and say exploitation is wrong. You do not have to put up with it in your relationship.
Dr. Dines: Yeah, I understand that women have been completely caught in this net, just as men have. But for women, it’s often worse, because you often have a family with this guy. You have a mortgage to pay. In a way, you’re trapped in this.
If Your Partner Doesn’t See This As A Problem, You Can’t Stay
Dr. Dines: So what I want to say to women is that you cannot live with a man who is a user. And also have a sense of bodily integrity, of loving your own body, and a sense of a healthy intimacy. The two just don’t go together. So you have to figure out how you’re going to deal with this. And one way, which is not always so great, is to figure out therapy with the guy. But often a lot of intimacy therapists make it worse, rather than better. Because they will be on his side.
If your partner is not willing or does not see this as a problem, then you cannot stay. You can’t do that to yourself. You cannot give up that part of yourself that says this is wrong. Because you will look back in 10, 15 years, 5 years, and you’ll look in the mirror one day and wonder, Who am I? What have I become? And what is my life? You don’t want to do that. And plus, if you have kids, you do not want your kids around this toxic life of a man using it in the home.
First of all, it puts them at risk. And secondly, you want your kids to be healthy. And if their father or whoever the man they’re living with uses it, ultimately, it will seep into their lives on every level about who they are. For girls, it will have a whole set of messages about what it means to be a girl. For boys, a whole different set of messages. And kids are very savvy. They pick up things that we think they don’t pick up on. They know when this is going on.
Being Hijacked By The Recovery Movement
Dr. Dines: So as difficult as this is, and I understand, ultimately you have to do what is right for your moral compass. Which is not living with a man who is exploitative. And if you have children, your first and most important commitment is to bring up healthy adults, and you cannot do that in a toxic home.
Anne: Thank you, I love hearing this from you as a feminist. It feels different and sounds different. It sounds so much more empowering than typical church talks about love, forgiveness and service.
Dr. Dines: What bothers me is this whole notion of the recovery movement. Some groups have hijacked us. But I’ve been at conferences where I’ve spoken to some of these recovery teams. One of the things I noticed was that I was visiting a conference where they all had their materials out. I was going along speaking to them. Many of them had their arms firmly planted around their wife, like she was a prop here, and they would say, we’re in recovery.
And I would say, okay, I’m just a bit confused here, so who was using this stuff? And he would say, I am. So you mean you’re in recovery? And she’s recovering from you using it. Let’s be clear here. Who’s doing what? And it felt disingenuous. It felt their wives were being used as a prop. And the questions they never addressed are that if a man has been using it, the answer is not simply to stop using it, because that’s not enough.
He Needs A Serious Change Because His Identity Has Been Defined By This Garbage
Dr. Dines: That’s like beating a dry drum, because he still has all those images in his head. All those notions of what it means to be a man, which is power over women. It is the key message of exploitative media. The hotter it is, the more power you have over her. Or rather the more power you have over. So I don’t believe in that forgiveness. If he is truly sorry and has been through a journey. And understands the pain he’s caused, and also the women in in it.
He has to make amends with all those women. He has basically supported an industry that has also destroyed women’s lives. It’s the women in it, not just the women he lives with. But to just jump into this notion of forgiveness is too easy an out. It doesn’t get to the core of what he has learned. in his many years of using it. Which is, believe me, not what you want in your life. What you’re hearing here is a much more feminist analysis coming from a non-faith based position.
This is not to criticize the faith-based positions. But to say it’s not enough to say that you believe in God and forgiveness, or whatever. You need a serious change and commitment from your partner to this. Because otherwise, you’re just dealing with somebody whose development has been defined by exploitative media. Even if he’s not looking at it, absolutely.
Anne: The same abusive thought processes, entitlement, and feelings of superiority will remain. That is dangerous. What we’re seeing right now is so many men claim to be in recovery. Yet they still exhibit these abusive behaviors, lying, manipulation, and anger.
The Importance Of Joy & Safety
Anne: I don’t know whether the exploitative media has stopped or not, right? Because the lying continues, but at least we can see that the abusive behaviors are continuing.
Dr. Dines: And even if they’re not looking at it, they’ve got it in their head.
Anne: Right, that’s why here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we see it as an abuse issue. As women start to wrap their heads around that, it makes it easier to know what to do. Okay, instead of loving, serving, and forgiveness, I need to protect myself. What do I need to have a safe home and live a safe life? And I’m going to work toward my own personal safety and the safety of my children.
Dr. Dines: And a joyful life. We want joy in our lives, and connection, intimacy, and love. All those things that make life worth living. Safety is obviously the most important, but we want much, much more than that, and we deserve more than that.
Anne: Many of my listeners are just trying to get to safety. That is the first base, so to speak, and they’re not there yet. When you’re in that abuse, it’s so overwhelming to even think. All I want is he’s, you know, please just get me to the shore.
Dr. Dines: I totally understand that, but what I say is, and why I bring joy, is that because your life is often so steeped in misery in this position. It’s hard to ever think that you can ever feel joy again. And it’s important to look to the future, as well as to what you want for yourself. And in that future, it has to be joy, and you deserve a loving connected relationship.
Important Work To Stop Exploitation
Dr. Dines: One with absolutely no exploitation in it, because as soon as it gets into your relationship, it becomes toxic.
Anne: Dr. Dines, thank you so much for spending time with me and coming on today’s episode.
Dr. Dines: Well, it was a pleasure, and thank you for asking me. It’s wonderful work you’re doing Anne.
Anne: Thank you.
Dear Anne and Dr. Dines, thank you so much for this exceptional podcast.
I was in relationship for 17 years with a highly educated, well respected and professional man who used exploitative material heavily but I only found out about it in the last 5 years. In the end he resisted my attempts to get healing for us and suddenly ended our relationship, blaming me for his need to exploit women, lie about it and the other things he lied about. He is now involved with a Thai woman he met through his regular attendances at local Thai massage parlours. He showed little if any remorse throughout the entire journey, saying it was normal for guys and that I was over reacting to this and his other controlling and secret behaviours. He once disclosed that, knowing I didn’t want him to do it, made him want to do it more. He also once told me that the benefit for him to have me stay unwell with depression and anxiety was that I was easier to control.
I feel that his gaslighting abuse continues even since he ended the relationship because the story he has told some of our mutual professional colleagues is that he had to leave to “stand up for himself”, and because “he couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved”. He has the whole world gaslight and I am the unstable, unloveable one.
At the same time he flaunts his new relationship on Facebook and all their luxury holidays to destinations and resorts we had been to as a couple. It is very painful.
I found this podcast to be extremely validating of my feelings and experience in relation to living with a gaslighting user and extremely healing thank you so much. Thank you for naming it as a serious abuse and harm issue…. and yes, my partner also had all his electronics password locked, even when we were in treatment with sex addiction therapists for over two years and he told me I was controlling him when I asked him to remove these or put filters on. (Which he never did). Thank you again so much. I am barely a shell of my former self but your excellent podcast and this whole site is very helpful thank you.
Janine! I’m so glad you found us, and so happy that it’s helpful to you!! Hugs!
Wow, the article was really informative and well written. Thank you for sharing this valuable information about how exploitative this material is!
I hope this message can get out to the world. This is really eye opening!
online exploitation is horrible. Those who participate are exploiting those that have been forced to be involved in such heinous material. This article is straight forward about what’s going on. i will be referring this to many friends.
Thank you! I’m so glad. So many people don’t realize that women in relationships with so-called addicts are in abusive relationships. We appreciate you helping us get the word out about the harms of this type of online content.
I found this podcast especially informative and painful at the same time. I have been wanting to join in the fight against this type of exploitation do you have any suggestions for action I can take?
Try The National Center on Sexual Exploitation.
Really informative, so helpful, makes my stand against online infidelity and exploitation stronger. Thank you
I found out about my husbands addictions to exploitative media and sexting and masturbation a year ago. We were 65 years old and had been married 46 years. I’ve since found out he also had actual affairs. He isn’t in any therapy and I spend 90% of my time locked in my room living in fear of his screaming abusive anger. I have no family to turn to and nowhere safe to go to. He controls my money and hides the only key to our only vehicle. He just got fired from yet another job so we may very well be homeless soon. And shared them with a 73 year old woman telling her to call him! He saved all of it on his phone. He sent masturbation videos of himself. And he hadn’t touched me in over 15 years blaming it on ED. I HATE him and I HATE myself. He stole my whole life and then he killed me.
This podcast is amazing, so validating. It’s so nice to hear the TRUTH, spoken with bravery and strength about exploitation, sexual coercion, and what betrayal trauma is really doing to women and children – the horror and damage it’s causing. This truly is a human rights issue!
I was in two marriages, both with men who were addicted to exploiting women online? One of them tried to get me to buy the lies that no one is getting hurt by it, that women are choosing to participate – oh yeah?! I’m hurt by it! And the women and girls that are being trafficked for exploitation and forced to do things that demean and hurt them are not willing participants.
I got married to feel treasured, loved and valued by my husband, not replaced by 2D images of women and girls that are being raped and harmed.
The people behind all of this are evil. It has to stop. I finally found my way into a 3rd marriage with a wonderful man who does not exploit women online or otherwise. And it was EASY to tell the difference and know for sure he was not a user. Men who don’t use exploitative media are VERY different in how they approach sex and intimacy. Intimacy with an exploitation-free man is so beautiful and amazing, worth the wait – they are respectful, they want to please you, put you first and make you feel like a queen.
It was a little scary at first to trust again, after all the lying and manipulation, deception, treachery and infidelity I’ve suffered at the hands of my previous two husbands – but I had learned to trust myself first – to get myself out if I notice anything is wrong. I know I’ll take care of myself and get to safety now, no matter what.
Thank you so much for this information. It gives me courage to speak about what I feel to more people. Also, it reinforces me to be more aware of these traits I see in men and to reject these men, rather than what I have done in the past, which is minimize their secrets and look instead to their more positive traits. Like it somehow makes up for it.
I have kicked my live-in partner out of my home. I’ve been giving myself the time to heal, from his betrayals. I had no say in his actions and it forced me into a role of trying to find out what he was doing since the behavior he exhibited towards other women right in front of me was so baffling. Along with “acceptable” exploitative material, like the swimsuit issues of Sports Illustrated. I thought that by calling him out on this and explaining in detail of how it made me feel, it would somehow enlighten him and cause a change. It did not work out like that.
He made me feel as if I was prudish and blamed my insecurities like there was something wrong with me.
I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was to have my home to myself. Even though I lost some material things, it’s been well worth it. I’m gaining a strength and confidence in myself and the fears are diminishing. This information is LIBERATING! You’re doing a very important work!
I got the shock of my life. I met someone who are thought was the one for me after almost two years after my husband passed away from cancer. This man turned out to be a nightmare, and he preferred sexting over actual sex. I went snooping on his Facebook page and he had all these hookup sites. I went through this two summers ago, and then again recently. It has hurt tremendously to the point that I’m focused on this mess instead the memory of my sweet husband.
Exploitation robs women of their dignity, and it is dehumanizing for all involved.
I feel validated by reading this. I needed to know people do feel as I do. I have a partner who refuses to acknowledge that watching exploitative entertainment as sexist, abusive, and demoralizing to women. It’s a human rights issue! But my partner is very defensive and protective of validating watching misogynistic viewing.
At first, I decided just to monitor his use of exploitative material, feeling compassionate and curious toward him. I just wanted to gain some insight. Even though I love him, I gradually receding sexually as a partner, due to his behavior. But I felt partly responsible because he blamed me, said he needs sex, and wants other partners. I’m not okay with that. I know its all related to his use of exploitative material.
I know it’s a choice due to his depraved character. It’s narcissistic. He only chooses exploitative material over compassion and responsibility for family, integrity (doing what is right for the family unit).
I was so grateful to hear that BTR has this view. That exploitative material is wrong and there is no so-called “ethical” exploitative media.
As you know, exploitative material is directly related to sex trafficking, abduction of children, violence against women. This exploitative industry preys on vulnerable, desperate young desperate people. It is evil, dark, and insidiousness. It is part of (and responsible for) the most horrific sex crimes and satanic abuse and most unspeakable violence against humanity. They’ll all inextricably linked, any tolerance of sexually exploitative material enables all of it.
This was such an important message to hear. After years of feeling like I have to accept my husband’s behaviour and yes that the problem was with me it’s validation to hear someone who isn’t afraid to speak to the truth of what’s is going on. Thank you so very much.
Wow! I am so glad I’m not alone. My husband soon to be ex husband is abusive towards me. He never seems to want to have sex with me or even ask. He spends so much of his time alone and in the bathroom for 3 hours. At first I thought it was because he’s in a wheelchair so it takes time for him. But I’ve caught him masturbating and stuff on his phone and tablet. I also found a locker in our garage full of magazines, and pages taped on the locker walls. So creepy and weird with some knives inside. I also found him on Twitter using exploitative material through Twitter. It hurt me so much. He did the same with Instagram and Facebook. Any naked woman he could find. He also stares at women a lot when we go out in public made me think it’s from all the exploited women he watches he imagines it with them. I never thought he was like this and especially had an addiction. I tried to help by giving him more sex and going to therapy but I had it all wrong all along. He’s abusive and has narcissistic traits and doesn’t want to change. He says I’m insecure and goes off with his day.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It was an eye opener and it definitely reassured me and now I don’t feel crazy.
A lot of us are needing to hear this. I was one. Please keep doing what you’re doing!
I discovered my husband’s online infidelity on the computer because he was not “tech savy” and asked me to clean his computer out because it was running slow. What a shock I had when I went to clean out his search history!
I brought it to his attention that same night and of course he lied saying he only saw a few things from being curious. When I went to finish cleaning out the rest of the junk, I found out he was more tech savy than I knew because it had all been erased – including the recycle bin. Hah! That was all 6 years ago.
During the early years we both had zoom therapy with sex therapists and I gave him articles and books to read to help him. Along the way, I discovered that he had some infidelities long before computers were available and again, he lied about it all. But this time, I didn’t have black and white proof. Then, in 2020 he came down with Covid and nearly died. The years after that, he became infirm due to continuous falling and breaking various bones. By this time, I had shut down the computer and checked his phone regularly. Throughout these last few years, I realized that he had an addiction and while he denied this sometimes and accepted it other times, I knew what I had been dealing with. Because he became more and more ill over the last several years, he was hospitalized, went into rehabilitation, hospitalized again and again and finally in rehabilitation it was discovered that he additionally had something called aspiration pneumonia – he had to have all his food pureed and all drinks thickened.
He went downhill with each passing week and because of his illnesses, we stopped talking about his addiction completely. Of course, it was always in my mind because I was so hurt and astounded that after 60 years of marriage, he was a completely different person than I thought I knew. He died 4 months ago of his illness and we never finished discussing or coming to closure about any of this. I have been having a terrible time mourning someone I didn’t even know and thought I loved completely. I’m in therapy trying to come to some acceptance for something that there can be no real forgiveness about – that takes two to accomplish. Your article about exploitative media being harmful hit the nail on the head for me – it validated all my feelings of rejection and being so hurt and heart broken and what my husband said. I was over-reacting to a “all guys do it” situation. You just confirmed every single thought I have had about being right – this time. Now, I have not only lost a husband, but will be losing my home and everything in it due to finances – all I have left is social security – no will and no forgiveness! He left me bankrupt in a thousand ways.
Hi. I have a question. Something has been on my mind, and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m now divorced and trying to heal from trauma and manipulation from my ex husband, who is narcissist and emotionally abusive. In the beginning, he manipulated me with love bombing and then suddenly he stopped. Back then, I didn’t think we had any issues sexually, but now that I understand what was going on, I can see that we DID have SO many issues.
During my pregnancy, we didn’t have much sex, and I don’t remember how, but I found out he was masturbating while watching exploited women on his phone. I was sick to my stomach and felt like I had been betrayed. We had a long discussion, and he said I was being controlling (I see now that I was trying to protect myself from his psychological abuse). He said I had no right to tell him what to do online. So here is where things get foggy for me. After all his psychological abuse, I feel like I can’t tell right from wrong (I still hear his voice in everything I do). I had looked at exploited women online previously, but I wasn’t a big fan of it. It wasn’t a part of my life anymore. So after fighting for a while about it, we “compromised” and I said he just needed to tell me when he watched exploitative media and masturbated. At that time, I guess it gave me the impression that I had some form of sexual safety with him? (I didn’t and was fooling myself, I know now).
Later on, a couple of years passed, my son was like 1 or 2, sex was blah. I linked to having a child and being so tired and not having much time, so we “had to be quick”, which mostly benefited him, not me. I like gentle sex, love and playfulness, but he just wanting sex. I often did it not because he directly obligated me. Because of my trauma, I suffer with severe anxiety and depression and believe I have PTSD as well. I have a hard time distinguishing what is ok and what is not, as my ex husband’s voice lives in my mind and I feel like I’m going crazy. I haven’t had sex with anyone since the divorce, almost a year and a half ago, and I don’t have any time for myself to go out and I don’t want to be in a relationship before I heal. But I also miss sex. What is right and what is wrong here? Can someone please help? I don’t wanna do anything morally wrong as my moral compass has been very high since starting to heal from my ex, or trying to, but I also have so much needs that cannot be met with sex. What is right to do on this situation? I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this. Sorry, I sound desperate but it’s because I am trying so much to heal and be a better person. I don’t wanna do anything that is illegal (obviously) or morally wrong. Can someone help shedding any light? Thanks.
Hi! At Betrayal Trauma Recovery our stance is that explotative material harms us because they’re not real connections with a loving, healthy real life partner. And that unhealthy behavior will hurt our chances of partnering with a healthy person. Many people have different opinions about this, but this is ours. We wish you the best in your journey to heal!
Oh it makes a lot of sense actually.. it’s something that I had never done it until I met my ex husband. That’s the thing with abuse I think.. I don’t know anymore what is ok and what is not. It sounds silly, but.. yeah. I can’t say my honest opinion because I can’t trust my thoughts anymore. How crazy 😭 How can I learn what is my true thought and what was ingrained in my mind from my ex and from the abuse?
We recommend any woman going through this have a support group because it’s so hard to figure out! Check out our daily support group for betrayal trauma.