If you’re wondering, “Am I over my ex?” The question itself may tell you all you need to know.

1. Why Are you Asking, Am I Over My Ex?

Ask yourself why you’re asking this question. The fact that you’re asking probably means you’re still struggling with some aspect of the relationship. And it might not even be him, it might actually be the emotional abuse you endured.

To find out if you experienced any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

2. If You Were Manipulated, You’ll Heal When You Know The Truth

Consider that you’re not working toward getting over your ex, you’re actually healing from all the lies he told you to deliberately mess with your mind. You might not need to know the details, but knowing that he’s a liar can be enough to help you get over him.

To learn more about this type of emotional abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.

3. You’ll Know You’re Over Your Ex If Your Stomach Churns

If your stomach churns when you see a text from him. Or you want to crawl under a rock if you see him out and about, it’s likely that you’re totally over him. Even if you’re over your ex, you’ll likely still need to heal from the emotional damage he caused.

You’ll need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Transcript: Am I Over My Ex?

Anne: Since I’ve been podcasting for a long time and talked with women all over the world. One of the questions women sometimes ask is, am I over my ex? This next part of this episode is actually from one of the first episodes I ever recorded. I tell a story of how I knew I was feeling better. Since this time, I have used the strategies I developed in the Living Free Workshop to heal from all this emotional and psychological abuse and protect myself. To learn more about the Living Free Workshop strategies, click this link.

The rest of this episode will be that recording. From one of my first podcast episodes. I hope you enjoy it.

I wanted to do an update my own personal recovery. Because I was not angry for a long time. I was just super sad, and now I’m very angry. So my children are immature. Because they’re 8, 5 and 3 year old children. For example, I’ll say to my son, You need to do this. And he’ll kind of ignore me and walk around and not do it. I’ll say, you need to do this. And he ignores me. Then I’ll say, you really need to do this.

And he’ll say, What? You didn’t tell me this before. I know he heard me. And that triggers the same types of things that happen with my ex. This feeling of I’m saying something, but he’s not taking me seriously. So last night, I talked to a friend, and she said, that’s common with all children.

Comparing Addict Behavior

Anne: He’s not acting like an addict. And I said, actually, that’s not true, because addicts act like eight year olds. They’re immature, so they act like a five year old. So basically, I am face to face with the same types of behaviors in my addict spouse. Except for in three, five, and eight year olds. That’s appropriate behavior for their age.

It’s age appropriate. They’re learning how to tell the truth, how to listen, and how to interact with people. It’s appropriate for a five year old. Not appropriate for a 50 year old man, not at all. So I’m seeing these immature, age appropriate behaviors from my very young children. Trigger the trauma of the exact same behaviors from my immature, addict, lying ex-husband who is almost 40 years old. .

So immediately after my husband’s arrest, for about a year and a half, I went weekly to a 12 step meeting for wives of addicts. When a woman first discovers she’s been lied to, manipulated, and abused. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t feel like that is the right time to say things that you often hear in a 12 step meeting. Things like, you need to clean up your side of the street, or you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change.

Am I Over my ex? Betrayal Trauma Recovery Approach

Anne: Because that’s the same sort of thing he’ll tell you to manipulate you. But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our first goal is safety, peace and boundaries are the only way to create that safety. So we’re not gonna be like, okay, let’s take a deep breath and accept the things that we cannot change. Because we do not think women should accept abuse or that women should be just allowing themselves to be abused. As they “work on themselves and clean up their side of the street.”

That’s a common thing that many women in 12 step think. Okay, if I focus on myself, I can make things better. But they’re still being abused. We believe that for professionals or groups to say you need to work on yourself in the face of abuse, is unethical. So if you’re asking, how can I support a woman who’s been abused?

Like, what can I say to her? Tell the woman that she’s amazing, strong, and hasn’t done anything wrong. She hasn’t done anything to deserve this. And that she deserves to be treated with respect. We truly believe that about you. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe there’s nothing pathologically wrong with you. That you’re a healthy person who is trying to get to safety in whatever way you can. which is completely normal.

Everybody goes through a phase of not understanding what’s happening. Everybody feels angry. sad, depressed. These are normal healthy reactions to abuse.

Ongoing Recovery Struggles

Anne: My betrayal trauma recovery journey is still in process. There are days that are really hard. The other night, I ate potato chips for dinner. Like literally, that’s all I ate. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. It’s not easy. I’ve been doing this for years now. And I feel like I’m still in progress. I definitely feel happier and more peaceful than I did when I started.

I definitely feel safer. My safety level has gone from like a 1 or a 0 to a 10. I feel supported and loved. So the things I struggle with now are financial and parenting issues. There’s no quick fix for betrayal trauma.

And that’s part of, I think, where the anger comes from. I’m left dealing with all the consequences of my ex husband’s terrible choices. Not just for the night he sprained my fingers and was arrested. But from before we got married, from when he lied to me, from when he chose to watch pornography. From when he continued to decide to lie to me, to abuse me. And to manipulate rather than live in the truth. Am I over my ex? When he lies and abuses me currently, it is hard.

There was an interesting thing that happened this week. It showed how much I’ve changed in the past two years. My ex showed up for my kid’s parent teacher conference. It was my appointment that I scheduled. And he was able to look online at their account and see when it was. So when I took my 8 year old into his classroom for the meeting with his teacher, my ex was sitting there.

Confronting my Ex

Anne: I did not want to sit in a meeting with him unless the first thing out of his mouth is “I have made nine years of terrible mistakes. One right after the other, and I now understand how my actions have harmed you. This is what I’m going to do to make restitution. This is how I will continue to make living amends to you until you feel safe.” Unless that is the first thing out of his mouth, I cannot bear to be in his presence.

Like, hey, how are you doing? Like, any small talk, I cannot. So, I said to my son, Oh, I wasn’t expecting your dad to be here. Why don’t you talk to your teacher with your dad? I’ll take your five year old brother to the other meeting, and then we’ll switch. So, I took my five year old to his kindergarten meeting, And as I was walking out, my ex came in. I walked straight up to him, and I said, you need to make your own appointments.

And he looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face and said oh, I just thought the school set this for me. And I didn’t realize it was your appointment. So I said, no, this is my appointment, and you need to make your own appointment from now on. I left and we switched kids. And then after he brought my son back to the other room, and as we were leaving, I didn’t acknowledge him. I told my sons, let’s head home. And I was just going to leave. He said wait, you’ve been coming to my appointments. And I said, “That’s not true”, because I know it’s not true.

Am I over my ex? Progress & Gratitude

Anne: And he said, well, this thing with our son’s preschool last year. You showed up for my appointment, which wasn’t true. We were never even in the same room together. So no, I did not show up for his appointment. I said, if you want to argue about this, you can message me. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I hope someday we can get along.” And I said, “We will never get along.”

It was amazing. I said my piece, I don’t “get along” with psychopaths. I don’t “get along” with people who lie right to my face continually. Or lie to other people about what I’ve done. I don’t get along with people like that, and I’m never going to. And I don’t choose friends like that. I avoid them at all costs, which is what I’m doing with him, and I will continue to do that. The fact that I could speak and not break down. It feels like I’m finally getting over my ex. The fact that I was able to say a very short statement was a sign that my recovery is working.

The answer to, am I over my ex? Is I’m making progress. Even if I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even though what I did was perfect. I’m still kind of second guessing myself. But I love that I saw progress, and I’m so grateful for the changes that have taken place in my life. And I’m grateful for my friends and family.

Also, I’m grateful for you for being here with me through my recovery journey. And I hope that we have many years of beautiful recovery together, and that as all of us women become more and more healthy. We can be a great change for good in the world.