It’s hard to say no. How to say no is especially difficult when your husband is emotionally abusive. Penny has an abusive father, and has some amazing tips about how to say no.

The general idea is this: If it’s unhealthy, harming me, or I don’t want to do it AND it’s arbitrary, I say no.

Try:

• Saying “No, thank you” politely.
• You don’t need to offer explanations or reasons.
• Say no in writing, if it’s easier.

The basic idea is pretty simple, but important: I say yes when it’s a healthy choice. I say yes to what I want.

It’s Okay To Change Your Mind

If you’re struggling to know if something is unhealthy, do you know the 19 types of emotional abuse? If not, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Sometimes we say yes when we meant no – or feel coerced or manipulated into saying yes. Sometimes we say no, then later realize we would like to say yes. How to say no? You’re allowed to change your mind! You’re allowed to make mistakes!

If you relate and need support to say no to emotional abuse, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.

Transcript: How To Say No

Anne: I have a special guest on the podcast today. She wanted to be called Vanellope after Vanellope von Schweetz from Wreck It Ralph. So we’re gonna call her Vanellope or Penny for short. She is my eight year old daughter. Welcome, Penny.

Penny: Hi, I want to teach you how to say no thank you. So, if someone who is abusive says, do the dishes! Or like, do everything, then you could just say, No, thank you.

Anne: So Penny is a good example. She started doing this on her own. Basically, if somebody asks her something she doesn’t want to do, she politely and sweetly smiles and says.

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: And she says it a lot.

Penny: No, thank you! When someone asks me to do it, I’m like, I don’t wanna do it. So I’m like, no, thank you.

Anne: You seem confident when you say it. I find it impressive. So I’m going to talk to my listeners for a second, okay? Now because Penny is kind and happy, and she’s not afraid to say no. When she first started doing this, it caught me off guard.

Because sometimes she would say it when I asked her to brush her teeth. And as her mom, even though I’m assertive, when she said, no, thank you. It stopped me in my tracks. Then I thought, oh, I guess that’s it. I guess she’ll never brush her teeth. Now as her mom, I was able to tell her, this is a healthy thing we need to do. And we overcame that.

The Effectiveness of ‘No Thank You’

Anne: How to say no? A simple, no, thank you is such an effective thing to say to an abusive person. And of course, they will try to fight you or maybe try to get around it. But this simple way of saying no is effective. When Penny does it, she doesn’t even give an explanation. She doesn’t give a reason. She just says, no, thank you.

So even though she’s happy, friendly, and cheerful, it doesn’t even seem like she’s open to negotiation. Do you know what I mean by that? When I say it doesn’t seem like you’re open to negotiation.

Penny: Not really.

Anne: It seems like you want to say no, and that’s the end of the conversation, and you don’t expect them to try and talk you into it. Like when you say no thank you, you don’t give a reason, you don’t complain.

Penny: Like at a dinner party if you don’t want that food. I would say no, thank you.

Anne: Have you said that before when you’re somewhere else and someone offers you some food?

Penny: Yeah, I have. I’m like, now they know that I don’t like that food.

Anne: How do you feel about yourself when you stand up for what you want to do? Do you think, hey, my opinions matter?

Penny: Yeah. Like, I don’t like this.

Anne: So, is it hard for you to say no?

Penny: No, it’s not that hard for me to say no. It’s easy for me to say no for some reason. I can do it easily.

Challenges In Saying No

Anne: Why do you think it might be hard for other people to say no? And why would people wonder how to say no?

Penny: Because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings,

Anne: Maybe they’re not confident that saying no is the right thing to do or not.

Penny: Well, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say no or yes. I know how to say no or yes, and know it’s the right thing. Because you have a feeling to say no or you have a feeling to say sure, I’ll do that, even though you don’t want to. Like, do the laundry or do the dishes.

Anne: So, with those things, is it like, I don’t want to do it, but I know in my heart it’s the right thing. Like, I don’t want to brush my teeth, but I know in my heart that I should brush my teeth.

Penny: Yeah, like, if you feel you need to do that, you’re like, okay, I’ll do that.

Anne: Even if you don’t want to do it.

Penny: Even if you don’t want to do it.

Anne: So is your guide, first of all, what you want to do?

Penny: No, your guide is not what you want to do sometimes. My guide is like, I know I don’t want to do that, but I have to eat vegetables.

So, if your mom says you have to wear these pants, and I don’t want to wear these pants. I want to wear these other pants. And then your mom’s like, I think you should wear these pants. But then you’re like, I don’t want to wear them. You could just put on the other pants that you want to wear.

How To Say No: Advice For Women In Abusive Relationships

Anne: Yeah. In that case, you didn’t even have to say, no, you just set a boundary by wearing the pants you wanted to wear, right?

Penny: I know.

Anne: Have you ever been afraid to set a boundary with me or to say no to me? Or wondered how to say no?

Penny: No.

Anne: You just said it. Are you afraid of saying no to some people? Like are there people around you that you’re like, I want to say no, but I feel uncomfortable.

Penny: Not really.

Anne: You feel like you can say no?

Penny: Yeah, to anybody. If they ask me like to sit here and I’m like, I don’t want to sit there, I could say no. I’m not afraid to say no.

Anne: Women who listen to my podcast are all women who have been abused in some way. So their husband or ex-husband hurt them and lied to them. He’s mean to them, deceived them, yelled at them or used pornography without them knowing. Maybe they had an affair. Some of them might be worried about saying no. Because they’re worried if they say no, he might divorce them. Or maybe their husband will get upset with them. What are your thoughts about that?

Penny: You could say no if you want to just like think in your mind is that the right thing to do. So think for a while, and then if you think you should, say no.

Anne: Yeah, so being connected to your inner voice is important.

Anne: That’s why I wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. I wanted women to reconnect with their inner voice. To determine what the right thing is to do, to see what their husband’s true character is.

Living Free Workshop: Reconnecting With Your Inner Voice

So they could make their right choices. And to my listeners to learn more about the Living Free Workshop, which will help you determine your husband’s character. Then help, you know what safety strategies to use. Click on the link in the previous paragraph. So Penny does it come down to knowing in your heart what you want to do, and then just doing that?

Penny: Yes, that’s what I think, like being honest is what you should do. If you’re like, I don’t want to do that, but it might hurt their feelings. You have to be honest, not lying.

Anne: Is there a way to be honest and not hurt their feelings?

Penny: Yes.

Anne: And how do you do that?

Penny: By saying it in like a kind way, like, no thank you. I don’t really want to sit by you, I want to sit over here.

Anne: Do you have to have a reason?

Penny: No.

Anne: I think it’s okay to give a reason, but you don’t always have to give a reason. I think I’ve done a good job teaching my children how to set boundaries.

Penny: If you want to, you could give a reason, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to give a reason.

Anne: Why do you think it’s hard for people to say what they really think?

Penny: Well, they might think that might hurt the person, or that might make me lose something. Or it might be the wrong thing, or they might be afraid to say no. Because they think they will hurt them, or they will be mean to them.

Examples Of Saying No & Yes

Penny: Well, they might think that might hurt the person, or that might make me lose something. Or it might be the wrong thing, or they might be afraid to say no. Because they think they will hurt them, or they will be mean to them.

Anne: Has that happened to you before?

Penny: Not really. I have never felt afraid to say no.

Anne: I’m impressed with your no saying skills, you’re excellent at saying no. You’re excellent at saying it in a way that is kind and polite, and ends the conversation when you’re like, no, thank you.

Anne: Should we give them an example of how to say no?

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: Okay, hey, Penny.

Penny: Yes.

Anne: Will you please go get the mail?

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: Why is that a funny one? Because you love getting the mail?

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: Were you confused for a minute? Because if I said, will you get the mail? Usually you’re like, yes.

Penny: Like since this is like …

Anne: An episode about saying no.

Penny: Yeah, like I have to say no.

Anne: You can say yes if you want to do it, so here we go. Hey Penny, will you get the mail?

Penny: Yes, I love getting the mail.

Anne: Hey Penny, will you please brush your hair?

Penny: Yes, if I brush my hair.

Anne: Hey Penny, can I brush your hair?

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: Hey Penny, you need to wear socks with those shoes.

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: Hey Penny, eat those tomatoes.

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: Where did you pick up no thank you? Where did you learn that?

How To Say No: Reactions To Saying No

Penny: I just wanted to say no thank you, and now it’s a habit of saying no thank you.

Anne: Well, you’re really good at it.

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: Well, you’re really good at it.

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: When you say no to other people, like maybe not me, but other people out of our house, how do they react?

Penny: Their, like, face looks like this. What? I don’t like …

Anne: What kind of what? Like they’re mad, or like surprised, or like whoa, what is that?

Penny: Like surprised. Like if like someone popped out and you didn’t know and you’re like, what?

Anne: They didn’t expect you to say that.

Penny: Yes.

Anne: Do you think they didn’t expect you to say no? Or do you think they didn’t expect you to say no so politely?

Penny: So politely, I think.

Anne: I can imagine you, when you’re dating, when you’re older, and a guy is like, hey, would you like to go to this movie? What’s a good way how to say no in that situation? And then you could just say …

Penny: No, thank you. Or, if I were like a teenager, I would say no, or no thank you. In a different, like sort of soft voice, I think.

Anne: I don’t think you have to worry about what your voice sounds like.

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: It’s the cutest voice ever. Do you have any more advice about saying no and why saying no is important?

Penny: Yes, so saying no is good and somehow kind of bad.

Good vs. Bad Types Of No

Penny: This is a good type of no. So you’re like, can you please um, um, sit on the couch with me? And then you’d be like, no, that’s a good no. But if you’re like eating vegetables and you’re like, I don’t want to eat those vegetables, no. And then your mom says eat your vegetables, and then you’re like no. And then you keep saying no, and then they’re like eat your vegetables, and then you push it away, and that’s like a bad no.

Anne: So basically you want to say no to things that are unhealthy for you or things that are arbitrary that you just don’t want to do for whatever reason. Do you know what arbitrary means?

Penny: Nope, not that much.

Anne: So arbitrary means like, there’s not a super good reason or like an important principle behind it. It just doesn’t matter. Like, it doesn’t matter if you wear a purple shirt or a red shirt.

Penny: Yeah, like if someone says, You should wear this one. And you’re like, no, I want to wear this shirt. And that would be a good no. So, yeah.

Anne: Because we want to say no to things that are unhealthy. That would hurt us.

Penny: Yes.

Anne: Also things that we just don’t want to do, and it’s arbitrary, it doesn’t matter.

Penny: Yeah, like if someone says, do you want some coffee or alcohol, then you could say, no, I don’t want that. That’s unhealthy.

Anne: Right, or you could just say.

Penny: No, thank you.

Anne: And then we need to say yes to healthy things.

Penny: Yeah, like if your mom says, eat your broccoli, and then you say, yes, that is a good thing.

Encouragement

Anne: So when we talk to women in the situation that the women who listen to this podcast. Just a tip from my eight year old daughter is to say no to unhealthy things. And things that you don’t want to do that are arbitrary. Then say yes to healthy things. And even some things that you might not want to do, but are the right thing to do. This also applies with how to set boundaries.

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: You just said yeah.

Penny: Yeah.

Anne: You didn’t say no.

Penny: Give me five. Guess what? There have only been two yeses in this podcast.

Anne: Really?

Penny: I saw the three yeses.

Anne: Well, thanks Penny for sharing your skill of saying no, thank you with everyone. This is an important part of teaching healthy intimacy.

Penny: Yeah, and I’m like, yeah, I know that I like to say no thank you.

Anne: Again, if the abuse has disconnected you from your inner voice and desires. Your hopes, your dreams. And what is the right thing to do? Check out The Betrayal Trauma RecoveryLiving Free Workshop.