Women married to emotionally abusive men are often abused through spiritual bypass. Here’s why spiritual bypass is victim blaming, with real-life examples.

What is Spiritual Bypass?

Spiritual bypass is using spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid reality. It can be used to justifying harmful behaviors or oversimplify complex situations.

Why Spiritual Bypassing is Victim Blaming

1. Invalidates Genuine Pain

When someone tells you to “just forgive and forget” or that “everything happens for a reason,” it minimizes your real and valid pain. This attitude can make you feel unheard and unsupported.

Example: Maria was told by her spiritual advisor to focus on forgiveness instead of helping her get to emotional safety from her emotionally abusive husband. She felt silenced and invalidated.

2. Spiritual Bypass Is Victim Blaming That Shifts Responsibility To The Wrong Person

Spiritual bypass often shifts the responsibility for change onto the victim, suggesting that they need believe in Jesus or not be like the prodigal son’s angry brother. Sometimes women are told to pray for their husband and he’ll change. This ignores the abusive behavior and puts undue pressure on the victim to manage the abuse, rather than get to emotional safety.

Example: Sarah’s friends advised her to pray and visualize positive outcomes, rather than supporting her in taking practical steps to ensure her emotional safety.

3. Victim Blaming Prolongs Her Suffering

Victims may feel that their suffering is due to their own lack of faith or that it’s God’s will that they’re being oppressed. This adds shame and guilt to their already heavy burden.

Example: Emma’s Pastor told her that God was giving her an opportunity to learn to love and serve her husband. She felt shame and guilt that she apparently wasn’t learning well enough to help him and that she wasn’t “spiritually evolved” enough to handle her husband’s manipulative behavior.

4. Spiritual Bypass Is Victim Blaming That Ignores the Need for Practical Solutions

Spiritual bypass often overlooks the need for practical interventions. While spiritual practices can help, they should not replace steps like becoming educated about emotional and psychological abuse and seeking safety.

Example: Linda was advised to read scriptures and pray and avoid thinking about divorce at all costs, even though her husband gave her an STD and lied to her constantly about his sexual behaviors.

5. Victim Blaming Reinforces Power Imbalances

When someone is an abuser, they have power over their victim in a way that causes an extreme power imbalance. Spiritual bypass is victim blaming because it suggests that the victim should accept their situation as part of a divine plan.

Example: Julie was told that her suffering was a test from the universe, which made her feel trapped and powerless.

6. Spiritual Bypass Is Victim Blaming Because It Creates Isolation

Victims may feel isolated when their experiences are minimized or dismissed by their spiritual community. This isolation can hinder their ability to seek support and find safety.

Example: Karen’s spiritual group urged her to keep her marital issues private and “pray for strength,” leading her to feel isolated and unsupported.

7. Victim Blaming Dismisses the Reality of Abuse

Abuse is a one way harm. Spiritual bypass is victim blaming because it assumes that a victim can change or manage or even influence the abuser’s behavior somehow.

Example: Rebecca was told that her husband’s abusive behavior would improve if she had faith that Jesus could change him.

8. Spiritual Bypass Is Victim Blaming That Enables Abuse

True healing involves facing and addressing the root causes of suffering. Spiritual bypassing prevents this by manipulating victims to act against their own best self interest and emotional safety. Instead victims need appropriate resources, like the BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to learn what to do to create an emotionally safe home.

Example: Laura’s therapist encouraged her to focus only on spiritual practices, which distracted her from getting to emotional safety.

If He’s Using Spiritual Bypass to Blame You, We Get It

Spiritual bypass is a subtle yet harmful form of victim blaming that can worsen the suffering of women married to emotionally abusive men.

If you’re husband is lying to you, using pornography, using emotional and psychological abuse tactics, you’re not alone. Our expert Betrayal Trauma Coaches here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) are here to support you every step of the way. Attend one of our daily, online Group Sessions TODAY.