Many women feel pressured to forgive their husbands to salvage their marriage, attributing the marital issues to their own lack of forgiveness instead of his actions. If you’re pondering, “Should I forgive my abuser?” or considering forgiving your husband for emotional, psychological abuse, or sexual coercion to save your marriage, here’s what you should know.
1. Why Do I Feel Guilty Because I Don’t Want to Forgive My Abuser?
Victims of betrayal and psychological abuse are conditioned by both society and their emotionally abusive husbands to immediately offer forgiveness to the abuser, regardless of their own need for emotional safety.
Many times, when women don’t trust their husband, they may feel guilt or shame for not offering forgiveness. They grapple with wondering if forgiveness is the solution to the problem.
This may come from their religious background, family of origin, or simply their own value of forgiving others. However, women can trust themselves that if they cannot or will not forgive, it’s likely a sign that they’re still in danger.
2. Can I Forgive My Abuser If I Don’t Trust Him?
When an abusive man lies to his wife, it is wise and safe for her to withhold trust. Trust is earned. When a woman finds out her husband has been lying to her for years, the likelihood of him continuing to lie is high.
Although most people equate forgiveness with reconciliation, the two aren’t synonymous. If you can’t trust your husband, that makes sense considering the type of person he is. Knowing that you can’t trust him is the first step on your journey to emotional safety.
3. What Does It Mean To Forgive My Abuser?
Forgiveness could mean letting go of the debt someone owes you. So, when clergy or others talk about forgiveness, they might be urging a wife to confront the harsh truth that her husband isn’t trustworthy. Expecting honesty from a liar is like expecting repayment of a debt. While he owes you the truth, forgiving him of that debt may liberate you to see the reality: your husband is unreliable and emotionally unsafe.
Forgiveness helps set boundaries. Letting someone off the hook or cancelling what they owe you is what forgiveness is about. When you don’t forgive, it’s because you’re still expecting something from them, which keeps you tied to them. Not forgiving, an abusive man often keeps victims trapped for years, because they’re still hoping their husband will change or give them something he’s not capable of giving her. for something.
It’s better to receive grace from God, who actually has something to offer, and forgive those who refuse to repay their debts. This frees you from suffering, since you’re no longer waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
4. When Your Husband Won’t Repay His Debt
If you do not forgive, you’re demanding something your offender does not choose to give. Even if it is only a confession of what he did, this ties him to you.
Clergy often suggest forgiveness as a way to keep families together. However, forgiveness really allows the victim to separate herself from the abuse.
Once you think, this person is not capable of giving me what I need. I’m not going to expect them to tell the truth, it enables you to create distance between yourself and the psychological abuse.
5. How Should I Respond When Someone Else Pushes Me To Forgive My Abuser?
Here are some ideas of responses when others counsel you to forgive the abuser:
- Yes, I’m working toward accepting the reality that he’s untrustworthy. Once I do, I’ll be able to move on knowing that he’s not an appropriate person to be married to. I’m so grateful for the concept of forgiveness that teaches us to relieve people of the debt they owe us. Since he’s not capable of telling the truth, expecting that he’s going to be honest with me is hurting me so much.
- As soon as I’m emotionally and psychologically safe, I’ll consider what that means in my situation.
- Are you telling me to reconcile with a man who is emotionally and psychologically abusive? I’m not sure that’s ethical? But I could use a ride to the domestic violence shelter to talk to a victim advocate. Would you mind giving me a ride?
Tune in to The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast for more about how to respond to people who enable emotional & psychological abuse and sexual coercion.
6. Should I Forgive My Abuser If It Still Feels Unsafe?
At BTR, we understand the emotional pain and confusion that comes when you discover your husband is untrustworthy and people around you think that you can improve the situation by forgiving a man with a serious integrity problem.
Find the support you deserve in a BTR.ORG Group Session today.
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2 years into my recovery….my discovery was on mother’s day of 2016.
Your podcast brings my soul rest. Thank you.
I’m so glad! Peace be with you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I don’t know what the next step is exactly. I have a copy of Boundaries. I have tried for 30 years to walk with a husband who, to use his words “struggles with occasional porn”. I know I am not a perfect person, but I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I have asked myself over and over if forgiveness really means I allow myself to be continually wounded or do I have a choice? I really needed to hear that again about what true forgiveness looks like. Both my husband and I have a lot to loose if we continue as is and we really would wish to heal and change. At least I’d like to believe him when he say’s that….usually it ends the same. So, I am looking forward to a few sessions to see how I can continue in trauma recovery and see where my life will go from there. Sorry this is so long winded, but one more thought….almost 20 years ago I began thinking, “How come God hates me so much or what is so wrong with me that I have to be in this marriage where I am repeatedly wounded.That I have to be beaten down emotionally, Does this bring God glory” Jesus said the truth set’s us free I am sooo glad I found you tonight! I am sleeping at my mothers.
Ruth, welcome. You’re in the right place. God doesn’t want you to be continually wounded. He loves you and we do to:). Welcome.
Amen! I can echo so much of what you have experienced. I never questioned God’s love for me but I didn’t understand how staying in the abuse was honoring Him in any way. I struggled daily with that thought. Then one day God told me to “pay attention” He would begin to reveal to me a way out. He didn’t want me to stay in that bondage, but until then I wasn’t ready to listen. I had to start trusting Him to make a way instead of fearing that I couldn’t get out. 4 months later I am separated and learning as much as I can about abuse, porn addiction, recovery. what forgiveness looks like and who I am in Christ. I have a long way to go, but I don’t doubt His direction. The one thing I have come to believe is that nothing is wasted..not one excruciating moment. This is the 4th time I have left my abuser, and the final time.I needed to establish the pattern of abuse and God’s timing is perfect. I could go on and on about how He has ‘saved’ me, but I will just say God is faithful!!
Your comments ring so true! I felt the same way! Thanks for sharing:).
Ruth, I keep asking myself the same exact thing…why does God hate me? When me and my husband first got together there isn’t a doubt in my mind that he brought us together. It’s not my husband’s behavior that hurts so bad at this point…It’s truly painful to know God lead me here. Idk what to do with it.
Anne I have been listening to your podcasts. I so appreciate your topics and the guest speakers..so much good information. Today’s was especially pertinent for where I am at on my journey. It puts a real and honest light on forgiveness. I do have Henry Cloud’s book- thank you for sharing that and breaking it down (my copy has that excerpt on page 136) It helped me to wrap my head around the subject in a new way that is also Biblical ! I think it was the missing piece to my puzzle 🙂
God Bless ~ Mona
Mona, I’m so glad it’s helpful to you! Hugs!
Anne, Thank you for your work and I love your heart for helping stop violence against women and helping women heal from it. My thoughts on forgiveness though are different. It is for the offender not the offended. God is not in the habit of forgiving without repentance. We can let go of the debt and the revenge but forgiveness requires something from the sinner. This seems counterintuitive to what we have been taught(in the church)but I think if we look back to the 1st century church the onus for repentance for forgiveness was on the offender. Maybe a way to think about it is; a person can “let go of vengeance and a debt they can not pay” without forgiving the person or the offense. Forgiveness is not emotional it is something we do in response to something from the offener.
Josephine, I actually agree with you! Sorry if that didn’t come across. I feel like forgiveness is for me:). I can feel peaceful and safe. Trust is something different:). Thanks for sharing!
Josephine, I agree with you–though I am secular and do not believe in concepts of Godly repentance or sin. I love the work of Janice Abrams Spring who writes “How Can I Forgive You.” A Summary: Forgiveness has been held up as the gold standard of recovery from interpersonal injuries. We have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. In real life, however, hurt parties often find that they can’t or won’t forgive, particularly when the offender is unrepentant or dead.In How Can I Forgive You?, Genuine Forgiveness is reframed as an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction, which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party. Offenders will learn how to perform bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair to earn forgiveness, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, and taking responsibility for their offense. Hurt parties will learn to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong, and create opportunities for the offender to make good.
When the offender can’t or won’t make meaningful repairs for the damaged caused, Dr. Spring proposes a radical, new alternative to forgiveness – a profound, life-affirming, healing process called Acceptance.”
Monica, thank you for these in depth thoughts on forgiveness – it’s so important in this context!
MB thank you for sharing this- I struggle with the manipulation that comes along with spiritual abuse and forgiveness/restoration church-ese that gets thrown at me. I realize this is several years down the road, but your words rang true, and I look forward to trying to find this source and seeing if it fits more.
Thank you for this insight. It has totally validated my actions. I did the right thing. I needed to hear it from someone else.
Forgiveness isn’t possible without boundaries. And forgiveness is for YOU and does not require you to trust the perpetrator. I’m so glad this validated you:). Hugs.