One of the most difficult decisions you may face is deciding if, when, or how to safely leave the emotional abuse. At BTR, we affirm every woman’s right to emotional, sexual, and physical safety.

Lee-Anne, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, faced this exact challenge. She had tried to leave her emotionally abusive husband six times before finally ending the relationship for good. Each attempt brought new layers of fear and uncertainty, but her determination kept her moving forward.

#1 Identify The Abuse: A Foundational Step To Safely Leave The Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons that victims have trouble identifying their husband’s emotional abuse.

“At times you’re thinking, well, he doesn’t hit or physically harm me or the kids. Plus everyone thinks he’s a great guy.” — Lee-Anne, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Member

Lee-Anne’s experience is common. It’s understandable that victims have a hard time identifying emotional abuse. Usually, people around them don’t help identify it either. Are you experiencing any of these things?

• Family, friends, and clergy minimize the abuse
• Abusers and victims may “scale” the abuse (at least it’s not ____)
• Victims may compare their abusive partner to more obviously abusive men and feel indebted to their abuser
• Abusers use gaslighting, blame-shifting, and other forms of manipulative abuse to keep victims confused and unable to pinpoint the abuse
• Abusers condition victims to exaggerate the abuser’s good qualities and ignore red flags and blatantly abusive behaviors
• Victims may feel afraid to identify the abuse because of the ramifications

When victims courageously identify abuse, they’re setting the foundation for a future of safety and healing. For Lee-Anne, understanding and accepting the word “abuse” came gradually. Each time she made an attempt to safely leave the emotional abuse, she learned more about her situation and gained strength. To identify abuse, many women need:

• Education about abuse and trauma (books, The BTR Podcast, and BTR articles can help)
• A network of trauma and abuse-informed supporters
• Connection with other victims who listen, validate, and offer help

While victims may not immediately identify all of the ways that their abuser is harming them, it’s important to begin the journey to leave the emotional abuse behind by identifying at least some of the it. In fact, most victims don’t identify all of it until they’re safe from emotional abuse. As Lee-Anne learned more about emotional abuse, she grew stronger and more confident in her path to safety and healing. She found solace in the support of her community and the knowledge that she was not alone.

#2 Determine Your Emotional Safety Needs

Even after women have accepted the truth, it can be difficult to decide to leave the emotional abuse about the emotional abuse, it can be difficult to set firm boundaries.

Many women face roadblocks when facing the decision to begin to get to emotional safety, including:

• Concern about finances, property, and pets
• Worries about the children
• Fear of being shamed, blamed, and ridiculed by the abuser and his enablers
• Fear of breaking the norms of her faith-community’s culture

A powerful way to overcome these roadblocks is listing out safety needs.

When women determine what they need for emotional, sexual, financial, and physical safety, they can often see their situation more clearly.

Some examples of safety needs a victim might list include:

• “I need to be able to say no to sex and be respected by my partner.”
• “I need to live in a porn-free home.”
• “I need to be spoken to in a non-abusive way: no yelling, screaming, swearing, or lying.”
• “I need to know that my body is safe from physical harm.”
• “I need to know my partner’s sexual history and behaviors before having sexual contact with him.”

#3 Safely Leave The Emotion Abuse By Creating An Emotional Safety Plan

By outlining what would help her feel emotionally safe, a victim of emotional abuse is able to avoid high-intensity scenarios as much as possible.

An emotional safety plan can include:

• How to leave an emotionally harmful conversation
• What to say when you’re leaving an emotionally abusive conversation
• What NOT to say when leaving an emotionally abusive conversation

Emotional abuse can escalate when women confronts him about the abuse. So knowing what to say and how to say it is key. The BTR.ORG Living Free & Message Workshops help women know what to do.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Prioritizes Leaving The Emotional Abuse Behind

BTR doesn’t push an agenda of staying married or getting a divorce: BTR advocates for women’s safety. For some women, this may mean staying in the relationship but safely watching from a distance to see if their emotional abuser decides to change.

The decision to stay or go is personal and complicated; victims deserve a safe space to openly discuss their situation, process their trauma, express their fears, and ask important questions.

That’s why women attend Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group which meets every day in multiple time zones.

At BTR, we believe that every victim is important, courageous, and capable. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.