Ask Your Heart If It’s Safe Enough For Sex . . .

by | Boundaries | 0 comments

You know in the ED commercial when the narrator says, “Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex.” Today it struck me how many people are not emotionally and mentally healthy enough for sex. Being emotionally and mentally safe means that you CAN be emotionally intimate with someone, not just have sex.⠀

I am sad to say that I never felt emotionally connected when my ex and I had sex. I finally set a boundary and told him I wouldn’t initiate (because 98% of the time, I initiated). I told him that if / when I felt emotionally ready, I would initiate again, and that he was free to initiate, just as he always had been, and I would say yes or no depending on my emotional safety.⠀

After that, he only initiated twice in six months – which of course, made me feel totally unsafe. Plus the circumstances around when he initiated were totally traumatic. One time, I went along with it and felt violated. The other time I said no. He made no efforts that I could see to help me feel safe. And when I asked him what he was doing to help me feel safe, he said, “Mowing the lawn.”⠀

Part of my recovery will be to get to a place where I can be vulnerable again. But I’m not there yet.⠀

How do you know when your heart is safe enough and your relationship is healthy enough for sex?

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