Embracing The Unmanageability Of Life - The Analogy Of The Drowning Swimmer
To Healing The Traumatic Experiences Caused By Our Husband's Sexual Addiction And Related Behaviors Like Narcissistic Personality . . .
This morning, I was studying in Matthew Chapter 9, a man approaches Jesus and he says in verse 18, "My daughter is even now dead; but come and lay they hand upon her, and she shall live."
It made me think of my soon-to-be-ex-huband who has filed for divorce and made no effort to be reunited with his family. I knelt down and I prayed, "God, my husband is even now dead: but come and lay thy hand upon him, and he shall live."
At this point, I feel like he has died spiritually and physically in my life, since I no longer interact with him in any way. My greatest desire is to have my husband be whole and be home. Because I'm in this state of sadness and grief because of my husband's spiritual death and removal from our family, the next verses 20-22 really help me.
"Behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; they faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour."
So I think of those two scriptures, back to back. It is unlikely that my husband will allow himself to be healed due to his current mindset. I have no idea. But I am seeking healing, so I can be healed.
I can be made whole from the pain and trauma I've been experiencing by touching the hem of Christ's garment.
As I prayed this morning, I had an incredible peace come over me. It was comforting and warm. The feeling I had was all will be well. I will keep you safe.
Admitting Life Is Unmanageable Is The Foundation For Healing
Admitting our life is completely unmanageable can help us find peace. For many of us, admitting this seems like giving up. Or the powerlessness of our situation seems to increase the trauma.
I was single for a long time, didn't get married until I was 31. And during my single years, I would date people and it wouldn't work out, and I had an image in my mind that I was in drowning on a stormy sea. The water was extremely choppy, splashing in my face, and I could barely keep my head above water. I could see God in a boat, far away from me, and He had thrown in a donut shaped life preserver. The life preserver was attached to a rope, and He held the rope.
Every time, I reached out to grab the life preserver, God would pull it away, out of my reach. My head would go under water, and I'd come up again gasping, again, trying to grab it. He would again pull it away. I could never reach safety.
Working With A Trained Professional To Be Safe From Gaslighting
One of my character defects is OCD. I have a hard time being present when it hits because my mind can't let go of my worries and get distracted by my thoughts. She suggested to me that I wasn't working good recovery.
So I took a break from BTR and I fasted from the internet for three days to get back on track, and get God in my center. My soon-to-be-ex-husband had recently posted a post about me on Facebook, gaslighting everyone, saying that I was the cause of the divorce. I needed to get God back in my center.
She suggested that I write down all the things in my life that are unmanageable. It was quite the list: my housework, my children's behavior, my hair, working out, eating vegetables - what wasn't unmanageable!
At the top of the list was the consequences of my husband's abusive behaviors and his choices. After I talked with my sponsor about how my life is unmanageable, I meditated about the image of me drowning and God being in my life - seeing him, seeing him sort of help me, but that I can't really get the help I need.
I asked God, why do I feel this way?
The thought came to me that the reason the water was so choppy was from my own flailing about, from my kicking. The reason the water seemed to be attacking me, was that I was attacking the water. And every time I desperately tried to reach the life preserver, my own movements pushed it farther away from me.
I got the impression to stop moving and float on my back. When I did, the scene panned out and I saw myself resting quietly on the water. The life preserver floated near enough to me for me to easily grab it, but I didn't need to. And then I saw that I was surrounded by life preservers, and surrounded by boats. Angels were in the boats, just waiting to help me. Christ was there. I had all the help I needed.
God said, "I've given you this water to support you, and the air to breath. I've given you everything you need."
My Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse
I've been regretting my thrashing around and my lack of trust. When my life became unmanageable, that's what I did. I didn't know what to do, I just wanted to save my family.
God is telling me to relax and He will take care of me and He will provide for me. I'm a lot like the children of Israel. God split the Red Sea for me, and I walked to safety on dry ground, and then I started complaining. Instead of finding peace in gratitude and trusting, I started thrashing about. But I'm learning to live one day at a time, and trust the daily manna God is sending me to take care of my three children.
I have faith that God can heal me.
I'm grateful to God for telling me to start this podcast, all the volunteers that work with me here at BTR.
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