I Just Found Out My Husband's Using Porn | BTR.ORG
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I Just Found Out My Husband’s Using Porn

by | Abuse Literacy

I JUST FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND'S USING PORN

Did you recently discover your husband’s secret pornography use?

Are you confused, hurt, devastated, and afraid?

Maybe you’re repulsed and angry, feeling betrayed because you thought he was one person, but now he seems to be a completely different man.

You’re not alone.

A member of the BTR.ORG community shares her story on the podcast, including her own feelings of being shattered, crushed, and devastated. Listen to the podcast and read the full transcript below for more.

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At BTR, we view secret pornography use as an abuse issue. The significant trauma that you’re experiencing is real and you deserve a safe place to process your trauma, without having to coddle your husband’s emotions.

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Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):
Today we have a brave woman sharing her D-Day (“Discovery Day”) story. So here is one of my sisters sharing her story.

Anonymous (00:07):
I just kind of wanted to do a share about my D-day mostly because today is the three year anniversary of my D-day. So three years ago it was a Sunday. And I had been at church and at that time I had a young colicky baby. So church for me meant a lot of walking the halls and dealing with sad baby. But that particular day, the third hour of church they had a special kind of visitor come, I guess. And it was to missionaries from the LDS Church’s Addiction Recovery Program, specifically on pornography recovery. And they came and just kind of talked to the women and the men of my congregation, kind of about the addiction recovery program and about their stories. I only was able to hear a little bit of it since I was in and out with the baby, but I was just thinking at the time, Wow, I’m so grateful I don’t have to deal with that.

I had thought porn wasn’t even an issue before we got married

(01:10):
So we went home after church and we got the baby and my older daughter down for a nap. And I was just talking to my husband and I said something like, geez, I’m really glad that that you don’t have that problem so we don’t have to deal with it. And he got this look on his face, just this like green, almost sick look. And I said, am I right? We don’t have to deal with that, right? And I had thought, I mean, I had thought it wasn’t even an issue before we got married. I had asked him about it. He had told me he was fine. And so in my mind I had covered that, but he hadn’t been truthful. So we had been living a lie. He told me his face goes green and he said, actually, I have a, I have a problem.

“Trust was completely shattered”

(02:03):
And went on to shatter my life. Honestly, it was three days before our three year wedding anniversary, which really pissed me off too, let’s be honest, because it just, I mean, I was looking forward to our anniversary. I can’t, I can’t even remember right now what we had planned. Probably just dinner, but it just changed the whole thing. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. And after that, I just froze. I felt like I couldn’t trust my husband anymore. That trust was completely shattered, and I didn’t know where to go from there. I am one who struggles, who has struggled with emotions dealing with sharing, with just feeling emotions. I grew up in a home where especially negative emotions were not okay. We, my siblings and I joke that we up in a, like our, our family’s British, we don’t talk about real things.

“I decided to stop focusing on him, and started focusing on me”

(03:03):
We don’t talk about negative emotion. We don’t talk about depression or anxiety or pornography, addiction. I didn’t know to how to handle it, so I just froze. It took me a long time to start my own recovery. In fact, it wasn’t until this year when my husband had another relapse and I just kind of was done and decided to stop focusing on him and started focusing on me. And that has helped me to be in recovery. It’s kind of been neat for me to, to look back on this, the third anniversary of my D-day and see just the, the crushed person I was back then because I was, I was so crushed. So I guess I just wanted to share my experience at, at D-Day, those, those crushing feelings that I’m sure others recognize and just kind of where I am now, these three years later, that you can have good recovery and you don’t have to let one moment destroy your life.

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5 Comments

  1. CR

    Thank you for your courage in sharing, K! I love hearing the gift of hindsight in your story.

    Reply
  2. Barbara

    I’m having such a hard time with the deceit. My husband has been lying to me for 25 years! We talked about other people who looked at porn and how horrible it was! Two days before D-Day I told my hairdresser how wonderful my husband was and how lucky I was! I feel so broken so foolish ! He also never pursued sex it was always me and I would wait until it was ridiculous 6 months??? I even gave him grace because I thought it was his age or pain he just was spending all of his time looking at other women!

    Reply
    • Anonymous P

      I would like to know what was his reasoning for not pursuing emotional relationships with you? I ask because I am struggling with this in my marriage and I do not understand why. I just found out today after 4 plus years that my husband has been lying to me and sneaking looking at porn. He says that he is just tired when it comes to the relations in our bedroom.

      Reply
      • Anne

        Have you considered that he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive? You’re not struggling with this – you’re struggling because of his emotional and psychological abuse. We’re so glad you found us. Have you considered our daily, online Group Sessions for victims of emotional abuse?

        Reply
  3. Anonymous

    I just discovered this podcast and this was the first episode I heard. I feel like I had some similarities with this woman. It’s almost 3 years from D day for me now. We also had two small children at the time and we were also just slightly over 3 years married on D day.

    Unfortunately in my story my husband never told the truth until the situation escalated to the extreme.

    It’s been so hard. It’s really amazing to hear she is doing well. I don’t think I’ll ever feel better about it.

    Reply

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