Did you recently discover your husband’s using porn when you thought he wasn’t that type of man? Are you confused, hurt, devastated, and afraid? If you’ve just found out that your husband’s using porn, here are 7 things I wish I’d known when it happened to me.
1. His Porn Use Is Just The Tip Of The Iceberg
It’s shocking to find out that your husband’s using porn. Learning about all the lies and his double life will likely bring a whirlwind of emotions—anger, sadness, confusion, and betrayal. You might be asking yourself, “How could he do this?” or “Wasn’t I enough?” Remember, these feelings are valid. Give yourself permission to feel them without guilt.
This level of deception is a form of intimate partner violence that includes emotional & psychological abuse and sexual coercion. There’s no right way to react to this level of emotional and psychological abuse you’ve been experiencing up to this point. There’s also no wrong way to react.
When it happened to me, I facilated between wanting to be close to my husband to wanting to never see him again.
2. Many Women Have Discovered Their Husband’s Using Porn
Realizing that your husband’s using porn can make you feel isolated, but it’s important to remember that many women have experienced this betrayal. Seeking support from others who understand your situation can make a world of difference. Consider a support group, like those offered by Betrayal Trauma Recovery, where you can connect with women who’ve experienced this type of emotional abuse.
Don’t get support anywhere that doesn’t consider this a very serious emotional and psychological abuse issue. The significant trauma that you’re experiencing is real. You deserve a safe place to process your trauma, without having to do anything for a man who’s been lying to you.
3. It’s Not My Fault My Husband’s Using Porn
One of the first thoughts you might have is, “What did I do wrong?” But it’s essential to understand that your husband’s porn use isn’t a reflection of your worth. His choice to use porn stems from his exploitative privilege, not from any failing on your part. Seeing the situation accurately crucial for you to begin making your way to emotional safety.
4. I Needed To Learn What It Means To Be Psychologically Safe
Psychological safety means those around you value honesty. If you’re psychologically safe with your husband, that means he never deceives you or obscures the truth to construct a false reality. Establishing psychological safety from someone who has shown a history of deceit is important.
The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helped me more than anything. I wish I would have found it sooner. I couldn’t believe how helpful it was.
5. I Had To Focus On Self-Care
Amidst the chaos, it’s crucial to take care of yourself. Prioritize activities that make you feel good and distract you from the pain. Whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or spending time with friends, self-care is essential for your healing process.
I watched all seven seasons of the Golden Girls, and I gardened. Anything that helps you is what you need.
6. Learn Effective Strategies For Women Married To Husband’s Using Porn
Most women who experience this don’t know exactly what to do. Many turn to couple therapy, pornography addiction recovery therapy, or clergy for help. However, because therapists and clergy aren’t trained in this type of abuse, they often prolong a woman’s suffering.
To learn effective strategies and know what to do next, I enrolled in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop. It changed my life. I have no idea what I would have done without learning the safety strategies.
7. Only Seek Professional Help From Women Who Understand This Type of Abuse
Navigating the emotional turmoil of discovering your husband’s using porn can be overwhelming. After years of couple therapy and help from clergy made things worse, I finally found Betrayal Trauma Recovery and it changed everything.
I started attending BTR Group Sessions and immeidately met women who totally understood what I was going through.
Thank you for your courage in sharing, K! I love hearing the gift of hindsight in your story.
Thank you for the podcast it was very helpful. I am waiting & praying this false story he s told our children and family comes to light soon. Years of abuse, finally divorced & although I never wanted my life to be this way the peace I feel after 48 yrs I m thankful for. It’s not over yet he s not complying with agreement..not surprised but exhausted.
I’m having such a hard time with the deceit. My husband has been lying to me for 25 years! We talked about other people who looked at porn and how horrible it was! Two days before D-Day I told my hairdresser how wonderful my husband was and how lucky I was! I feel so broken so foolish ! He also never pursued sex it was always me and I would wait until it was ridiculous 6 months??? I even gave him grace because I thought it was his age or pain he just was spending all of his time looking at other women!
I would like to know what was his reasoning for not pursuing emotional relationships with you? I ask because I am struggling with this in my marriage and I do not understand why. I just found out today after 4 plus years that my husband has been lying to me and sneaking looking at porn. He says that he is just tired when it comes to the relations in our bedroom.
Have you considered that he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive? You’re not struggling with this – you’re struggling because of his emotional and psychological abuse. We’re so glad you found us. Have you considered our daily, online Group Sessions for victims of emotional abuse?
Because all his energy is going to porn. My husband was the same way. He would say things like “I’m just not that interested in sex,” while he was on porn sites multiple times a day. He would be super-judgmental about men who mentioned/talked about porn. He’s 11+ months sober now, and we’re separated. Your husband may be tired, but it’s because he’s spending so much energy elsewhere. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
You too! It’s so hard!
My husband goes the other route and says he just needs more sex. Claims he needs to replace the porn with sex with his wife. Repulsive.
I just discovered this podcast and this was the first episode I heard. I feel like I had some similarities with this woman. It’s almost 3 years from D day for me now. We also had two small children at the time and we were also just slightly over 3 years married on D day.
Unfortunately in my story my husband never told the truth until the situation escalated to the extreme.
It’s been so hard. It’s really amazing to hear she is doing well. I don’t think I’ll ever feel better about it.
How do we get over the rage? I was told I was loved in the six years he was ogling those… I won’t say it here. There was intimacy… although not that often. He downplayed it by saying it was utilitarian and harmless… bah!!!! Nine months since it was discovered and the woman I was is gone. I am disgusted … now what?
I’ve been married for 34 years. My husband has struggled with porn addiction our whole marriage. I’ve recently discovered by accident (always trip over the discovery when I least expect it) he has started up yet again. He is enrolled in a program with our church now, however I have never had any “programs” to help me deal with the fallout of his addiction. I found this site and told him today I was signing up. I’m so angry and so very tired. I have no plans to divorce him but I need help in dealing with all the hurt that comes back after years of dealing with this addiction.