My Husband Lied To Me And I’m Confused & Hurt

Women feel confusion, grief, and intense sorrow when their husbands lie about pornography use and other forms of betrayal.

Some women even say that the lying is even more painful than the actual betrayal.

It is completely normal to feel devastated by your partner’s dishonesty. You can take positive actions to protect yourself from further harm and begin the path to healing.

Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast to hear the story of an anonymous woman who found healing and peace after devastating emotional abuse, including lying.

I Think He Lied To Me But I’m Not Sure

Abusive men are master-manipulators and because of that, it’s not always easy to spot a lie.

Lying is not just saying something untrue, it is also:

• Withholding the truth
• Admitting to a partial truth
• Using semantics to mislead
• Overexaggerating or underexaggerating the truth
• Guilting and shaming a partner for asking for answers

My Husband Lied To Me: Now What?

It is very important for women to set safety boundaries after betrayal. Boundaries are courageous actions that women take to separate themselves from abuse. Lying is a form of psychological and emotional abuse and it causes intense emotional pain in women’s lives.

Seeking support is another important step after discovering betrayal and lying.

BTR Supports Abuse & Betrayal Victims

The free BTR podcast helps women learn more about abuse and trauma so that they can become empowered to identify the abuse in their own lives. Tune in weekly to hear powerful stories from other women who understand what you’re going through.

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets daily in every time zone. BTRG offers women a safe place to process trauma, ask questions, share their stories, and seek support. Join today and find the support that you deserve as you begin your journey to healing.

Full Transcript:

Today we have a brave woman sharing her D-Day story.  

Anonymous: I wanted to do a share about my D-Day, mostly because today is the three year anniversary of my D-Day.

My Husband Lied To me about his porn use

Three years ago, it was a Sunday and I had been at church. At that time I had a young colicky baby. So church for me meant a lot of walking the halls and dealing with sad baby.  But that particular day the third hour of church they had a special kind of visitor come. It was two missionaries from the LDS church’s addiction recovery program specifically on pornography recovery.

They came and talked to the women and the men of my congregation about the addiction recovery program and about their stories. I only was able to hear a little of it because I was in and out with the baby. But I was just thinking at the time “Wow, I’m so grateful I don’t have to deal with that.”  

My Husband Lied To Me For Years

So we went home after church and we got the baby and my older daughter down for a nap and I was just talking to my husband and I said something like, “I’m really glad that you don’t have that problem so we don’t have to deal with it.”

And he got this look on his face, just this like green, almost sick look.  

And I said, “Am I right? We don’t have to deal with that, right?”

And I had thought, I mean I had thought it wasn’t even an issue. Before we got married I had asked him about it, he had told me he was fine, and so in my mind I had covered that.  But he hadn’t been truthful because, hello, addict!  So we had been living a lie.  

Lies Can Shatter Women’s Lives

So, his face goes green, and he said, “Actually I have a problem.” And went on to shatter my life. It was three days before our three year wedding anniversary which really pissed me off too, let’s be honest, because it just, I mean I was looking forward to our anniversary.  I can’t even remember right now what we had planned, probably just dinner, but it just changed the whole thing.

I kept thinking. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. I wondered, “Do I check up on him? How do I check cookies? How will I know if my husband is lying again?”

Lies destroy trust

I felt like I couldn’t trust my husband anymore that trust was completely shattered and I didn’t know where to go from there. I am one who struggles, who has struggled with emotions.  Dealing with, sharing with, just feeling emotions. I grew up in a home where especially negative emotions were not ok.  We, my siblings and I joke that we grew up in, like our family is British.  We don’t talk about real things. We don’t talk about negative emotion. We don’t talk about depression, or anxiety, or pornography addiction.  

I didn’t know how to handle it, so I just froze.  It took me a long time to start my own recovery.  In fact it wasn’t until this year when my husband had another relapse and I just kind of was done and decided to stop focusing on him and started focusing on me, and that has helped me to be in recovery.

Women Can Find Healing From Betrayal Trauma

It’s kind of been neat for me to look back on this the third anniversary of my D-Day and see just the crushed person I was back then because I was, I was so crushed and so sure that it would lead to divorce or sadness or just how it effected the next, you know, two or three years of my life where I was terrified to have another child with him or terrified to make any plans because my fear of the future was so great.

Healing Is Possible For Victims of Emotional Abuse

But then now, today, being where I am, where I have a sponsor, I’m in good recovery, I’ve found my serenity, and luckily my husband has been working too, I’ve been blessed with that so he’s been in recovery and our relationship is the best it’s ever been.  So I guess I just wanted to share my experience of D-Day those crushing feelings that I’m sure others recognize and just kind of where I am now these three years later that you can have good recovery and you don’t have to let one moment destroy your life.  It definitely works when you work it!  I’ve seen that and I’m just really grateful for the programs available and for the support I have and where it’s led me.

Support the BTR Podcast

Anne: Thanks for coming on today, we appreciate your story. Many abusive men do not choose to change, but that doesn’t mean that victims can’t find healing and peace. With boundaries and support, all betrayal victims can find joy again. We truly believe that at BTR and want to help you on your journey.

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We have many fantastic resources available to you – we are here for you as you work toward safety.

Until next week, stay safe out there.