Many people believe the narcissistic abuse will ends divorce, but it doesn’t. In fact, it can escalate nightmarishly into a vortex of abuse that involves the children, finances, and more.
Just how far will a narcissistic go to assert power and control over his victim?
Way too far.
Far too many women experience intense abuse after they’ve filed for divorce from a narcissist.
When victims can understand that the abuser is motivated by power and control, they are better able to set and maintain safety boundaries that minimize the damage the abuser is trying to do.
Narcissistic abusers pick and choose. They’re very together at their job, and at church they look really good, but at home, is when they ‘lose their temper.’ They don’t ‘lose it’ anywhere else because it’s a display of power and control at home.
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Using Power And Control To Financially Abuse Victims
One of the ways that narcissists abuse their victims is through trying to control the victim’s finances, often to the detriment of the victim.
He testified that the Church—our church—has been paying his mortgage and car payment, almost $2000 a month! He’s a doctor and makes well over $300,000 a year. He said the Church was paying for his expenses because he’s so broke that he can’t even pay for these things. My lawyer, being prepared, had subpoenaed all of his bank records, pay stubs, and everything like that, all the financials. Her intern went through it and categorized things by item. It turned out that he had spent thousands of dollars on liquor and pornography. He had contributed tens of thousands of dollars into his own retirement during this time that the church was paying for his expenses.
June, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community
Using Power & Control To Financially Abuse After Divorce
Narcissistic abusers notoriously use financial abuse to control their ex-partners when a marriage has ended, but there are many other methods they use to exert power and control.
- Playing the victim to receive privileges and make the victim look bad to family and friends
- Speaking badly about the victim to the children
- Terrorizing and/or covertly abusing the children
- Verbal abuse
- Calling CPS on the victim to scare her
- Withholding the victim’s belongings and/or assets
- Repeatedly making contact and/or stalking the victim
Post-divorce abuse is a lot harder to identify. It can just look like someone being a jerk to the other parent, but I did describe situations of my husband swearing at me at drop-off and exchange [of the kids], him purposely keeping the kids from talking to me, and other situations, that I would say, if they were isolated incidences, don’t really do anything, but I’ve been living this for over two years. I can tell you it’s just repeated abuse, just in a different form.
June, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community
I really think you need to add more to the financial abuse section of the wheel. Secret bank accounts, using wife’s spending to coerce her into doing things for him (probably a shorter way to say that) should be on the list.
Agreed! We will keep that in mind for our next iteration!
Need more on how to overcome financial abuse when he empties out bank account leaving me financially broke. I can’t have closure with narcissist because condo is jointly owned. How do I get out of this mess with no money. And yes unbelievable that the church is behind all this too. Sad that the church has this scope of duty instead of trying to bridge the gap.
Yes, and financial sabotage: uncontrolled spending, maxing our credit cards, etc. to make the victim more dependent or feel more hopeless and trapped, sabotaging job interviews or not allowing the victim to work or have access to money, gaslighting with regards to spending, quitting his job, legal coercion regarding child support and splitting of assets. Financial abuse takes many forms.
Totally. I’m so glad you shared that. YES!
My husband if 23 years has checked out of family life so much that I’ve been forced to quit working, and most recently even had to quit cleaning horse stalls in exchange for horse board. He couldn’t be counted on at all to feed his completely dependent son with special needs, or to be so much as present for simple custodial care. Probably just as well since I’ve known him to be physically abusive toward his son as well. That is 100% in retaliation to my setting a boundary by the way. I could go very deep down many rabbit trails. But I’ll stop with saying financial control and abuse takes many forms. Spending, not earning, planning and executing Disneyland Dad “family” vacations designed to groom the kids and paint pragmatic Mom out to be this huge B!+(h, “borrowing” household funds for his business that are never reimbursed (because it all comes out of the same pot anyway). I have to lock up my purse, wallet, passwords, and all financial records so he can’t study things, finding even more ways to control me.
I couldn’t figure out what to call my situation until I read this. I am in a horrible situation and my husband takes everything and then not only lies but is so sarcastic to me and so verbally abusive. $71,000 is most recent occurrence. He uses my cards and lies about it and leaves me with nothing. While he has so much money all the time. The worst of it is I am the one who holds the job not him. I can’t take this anymore.
Yes, and financial sabotage: uncontrolled spending, maxing our credit cards, etc. to make the victim more dependent or feel more hopeless and trapped, sabotaging job interviews or not allowing the victim to work or have access to money, gaslighting with regards to spending, quitting his job, legal coercion regarding child support and splitting of assets. Financial abuse takes many forms.
That’s pretty much been my experience exactly – so thank you for voice it, because all the professional’s I’ve talked to pretty much think financial abuse is not letting me have access to the family money. My experience was he spent all the money on himself, ignoring the debt, ignoring the budget – basically landing me with the stress of trying to make ends met and yelling at me if a bill got overdue or gaslighting me for buying clothes for myself or the kids. So frustrating.
My experience too. Though I was the one managing the money making sure bills were paid, he ignored the budget so I was constantly having to borrow or move money around. We couldn’t have a conversation without it being turned around on me. Manipulating the kids during the divorce telling them he wont be able to continue to pay for daughters college ( a decision he made without talking with me about) because he was going to have to pay me alimony.
Dropping me from insurances without letting me know. Refusing to help with sons school tuition but then claims credit that he is because he pays child support. Discussing financials wit the kids how I don’t work enough and the money he pays me I should be able to buy a house like he is.
Too bad I’m picking up all the slack that he’s not doing with the kids. Im sure since he bought a house we’ll go back to court because He’ll say he’s financially strained with house payments. I shouldn’t have to pay for his bad decisions anymore!