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Is Porn Addiction the Real Problem in Your Marriage?

You thought you finally got to the truth when he disclosed porn use, but it's still bad. So what's the REAL problem in your marriage?

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“What’s the real problem in my marriage? First I thought it was me… then he said he’s addicted to porn. But he’s in treatment now and I still feel that icky feeling inside. I just want to know what the real problem is.” 

The Problem: What it’s NOT

At BTR, we know what you mean when you describe that “icky” feeling. It’s your intuition. It’s your Sacred, Internal Warning System letting you know that something is not right.

The problem in your marriage is NOT:

  • How you communicate
  • Your physical appearance
  • How frequently you are having sex with your husband
  • Your homemaking abilities
  • Your trauma from finding out about your husband’s pornography use (including asking him questions)

Emotional & Psychological Abuse and Sexual Coercion – The Real Problems

Secret pornography use is not a stand-alone issue. In and of itself, it’s traumatizing enough. But on top of the betrayal, victims almost always experience the trauma of:
  • Gaslighting  and manipulation
  • Chronic lying (which includes withholding the whole truth)
  • Sexual coercion
  • Intimidation
  • Emotional withdrawal
  • Passive-aggressive behavior
  • Financial secrecy and control

Real Problems & Harmful “Solutions”

The Pornography Addiction Recovery Industrial Complex addresses pornography addiction by:

  • Treating couples, as if the secret pornography use is a “couple’s issue”
  • Pathologizing the spouse as codependent and/or controlling
  • Encouraging sexual intimacy early and often
  • Encouraging attachment therapy

Rather than addressing the inherent abuse, they treat it as a couple’s issue, and ultimately blame the victim for the “porn addict’s” behavior.

Real Problems & Real Solutions

At BTR, we use the Trauma Model.

We prioritize the physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual safety of the victim above all else.

Secret pornography use is an abuse issue. It must be treated as such.

YOU are not the problem.

Intimate betrayal. Emotional & psychological abuse. Sexual coercion. These are the real problems.

What Do I Do From Here?

Consider establishing safety boundaries to separate yourself from the harm as much as possible. The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop can help you learn effective strategies for establishing and maintaining safety boundaries.

Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are available to you every single day – attend a session now. 

You are not alone, you can get safe and begin healing.


  1. ashepie

    very helpful! Thank you so much

  2. K. B.

    Very good information, I will be contacting BTR for further assistance.


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