I never thought I’d have to learn how to deal with issues like narcissistic abuse in my marriage. Does anyone?
It all started with butterflies in my stomach and stars in my eyes. When I first met John*, I felt swept away by his charm and charisma. It felt like a whirlwind of grand gestures. He told me he loved me after a few weeks and honestly, I felt loved. I felt cherished and adored and truly like the center of his world.
A few weeks before we got married, I started seeing red flags. I shoved them far away in my mind, but I still remember how he’d act hot and cold, or how he sulked when I wore an outfit he didn’t like out to dinner. John’s need for control became more and more apparent in our first year of marriage. He used sulking, the silent treatment, and sometimes he yelled or hit walls when he was especially angry.
Sex became a transaction that he felt very entitled to. He sulked and got angry if I didn’t want to have sex with him, or if I wasn’t enthusiastic about it.
I was telling my friend about what was happening – how he’d scared me and was yelling at me more often than usual. She listened and told me about the narcissistic abuse cycle.
Accepting the Truth: It’s Narcissistic Abuse
I started to question the dynamics of our relationship. She pointed out how he belittled me in public, dismissed my opinions, and manipulated me into doing things his way. At first, I started defending John and rationalizing his actions. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that I wasn’t in a safe situation. It took me a while to accept that the relationship was abusive, to accept that John was an abuser.
I had been seeing a therapist and asked her to help me. She told me that she could work with both of us. After just a few sessions, it was really clear that John was going to keep gaslighting, lying, manipulating, and being crazy defensive. It hurt a lot to realize that I couldn’t fix our marriage by myself. I couldn’t love him into changing. It seemed like he literally couldn’t see how much harm he was causing.
“The Hardest Decision I’ve Ever Made”
I made the hardest decision I’ve ever made and filed for divorce, with the support of my BTR coach. It was hard to leave, knowing I would be on my own. I didn’t realize how much of the gaslighting I’d internalized throughout our marriage. My self-esteem was very low and it took a lot of effort to rebuild it.
In the end, I just feel like there’s nothing fair or right about marriages like mine. He should have been a loving husband and he chose to abuse me and break our marriage.
But ultimately, I do feel stronger, happier, and emotionally safe. I choose me every day and I feel so much better than I did when we were married.
