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Facing Your Divorce Fears

by | Abuse Literacy, Divorce

DITCHING DIVORCE FEARS

Victims of betrayal and abuse often feel paralyzed when they consider leaving their partner – the uncertainty, sadness, and confusion can make it feel impossible to ditch your divorce fears.

How Do I Face My Divorce Fears?

The fears that victims face regarding divorce are real and valid. Victims can work through these fears by honoring the reality that divorce is hard, but divorcing an abuser is hard on an entirely different level.

When victims work with a BTR coach and use supportive resources like the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, they are empowered to make strategic, rather than emotional, decisions.

Fears regarding money, kids, and conflict are more easily resolved when victims use a strategic mindset.

Steps To Take Today To Ditch Your Divorce Fears

You can begin ditching your divorce fears today by taking a few steps in the direction of educating and preparing yourself. Here are some practical steps:

  • Begin gathering financial information, such as tax returns, W2s, and pay stubs.
  • Do not tell your partner that you are considering divorce – yet. Wait until you have made a firm decision.
  • Begin researching attorneys in your area.
  • Establish a simple, daily self-care routine that includes adequate nutrition and hydration so that your basic needs are being met.

BTR Supports You

At BTR we understand the agony of the decision to divorce. We also understand how difficult it can be to ditch those divorce fears.

With support, self-care, and empowerment through education, we know that you can get to safety and create the beautiful, peaceful life that you deserve.

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you – to offer you the support, validation, and compassion that you need as you begin your healing journey. Join today.

Full Transcript:

Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne.

Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, called BTRG for short, is a daily online support group. So, when I say join Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, I’m not talking about just any betrayal support group out there. I’m talking about our group, the group we run, it’s only available here.

Our daily online support group has more sessions than any other support group out there. We have over 21 sessions per week for you to choose from. You don’t have to wait for an appointment, you don’t have to leave your home. You can join from your closet or your parked car in your garage. We do recommend that the first time that you join from a desktop or a laptop, it’s just easier to navigate it. And once you’ve done it once or twice from your laptop, then joining from your phone is simple. Check out the session schedule; we’d love to see you in a session today.

Rate the BTR Podcast

For everyone who has given this podcast, a five-star rating and perhaps even a review on Apple podcasts or other podcasting apps, thank you so much. If this podcast has helped you, when you rate it, you help other women find it. So, your ratings make a big difference. Here’s a five-star review we received on Apple podcasts – it’s titled “Lifeline”: This podcast has been exactly what I’ve needed. I’ve spent too much money on counseling when they truly didn’t understand the situation. BTR truly gets it. I feel this podcast is empowering and gives the facts about what’s really going on so that I can focus on healing. I’ve joined the BTR Group and look forward to more healing and shared experiences with the women. Thank you, Anne, so much for creating this podcast

We have seen with the abuse situation, it usually gets a lot worse before it gets better. So that divorce period of actually filing and going through divorce gets really sticky and tricky and traumatic for women, for a substantial period of time.

Helping Women Seek Peace & Safety

The thing that so many women appreciate about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Services is our goal to give women information, and then to validate and support them. So, there’s never going to be a time when someone comes to BTR where we say you have to get divorced, right. That’s what you have to do and just suck it up and do it. We like to give women the education that they need, give them their options, and then help them assess what’s right for them.

“How Will I Know When It’s Time To Go?”

I think that’s a really good way to go about making that decision. It’s sort of like when I think maybe I would want to go on a vacation, right. I plan out a vacation, I see if I can afford it, I see where I would stay, I see all of those things. I basically plan the whole thing out before I even make the decision about whether or not I’m going to go, and then I can see, this isn’t really going to work. It’s going to be too expensive or there’s really not a good place for small children in this area of the world, or whatever. And I think, going through the motions, let’s put it, of assessing what would actually happen in this case, what are my options really helps people.

Preparing For Divorce

Anne: There are so many things that those of us who have gone through divorce wish we would have known long before we even started considering it because it would have helped prepare us. And so, I’d like women to think about when you’re in high school and you take adult roles for example or you take a cooking class or you take driver’s ed or whatever it is, you need like a divorce class. A place where you can learn about these are the consequences, these are the things you’re going to face long before you ever even need to consider it. I think it’s really smart for women to know what they’re facing, maybe even before they’re ready to make a decision, or maybe even before they’re considering it. Sort of like how we wish all women were educated about abuse, long before they were in an abusive marriage.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Can Help You Prep For Divorce

Anne: At Betrayal Trauma Recovery women join Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, which is our online daily support group. We have multiple sessions a day in every single time zone.

BTR Coaches Can Help You Prepare For Divorce

Anne: Many women in our community are both members of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, and they also from time to time do individual sessions with coaches with specific things that they need in-depth help with. So, we always recommend that if you feel like man, I’m just not getting quite enough share time in Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group that you consider scheduling an individual session with one of our coaches depending on what issue you’re coming up with.

Trauma Mama Husband Drama

Anne: I’m going to take a break here for just a second to talk about my book, Trauma Mama Husband Drama. You can find it on our books page which also has a curated list of all of the books that we recommend. My book, Trauma Mama Husband Drama, is a picture book for adults. So, it is the easiest way for you to explain what’s going on to someone who might not understand it, it’s also just a good reference for yourself because it shows what’s happening with very telling and emotional illustrations, as well as infographics at the back. When you go to our books page and click on any of those books, it just takes you directly to Amazon and you can throw those books in your cart. After you have purchased the book, please remember to circle back around to Amazon and write a verified purchase review, along with a five-star rating. That helps isolated women find us, it bumps Trauma Mama Husband Drama up in the Amazon algorithm, and even if women don’t purchase the book, it helps them find this podcast, which is free to everyone.

Review Trauma Mama Husband Drama

Here is a five-star review we received on Amazon. It’s titled: Wish I had this years ago. If you or someone you know is suffering from betrayal trauma, you should buy this book. It’s an incredible resource with beautiful illustrations written in a powerful yet simple way as to not overload a trauma brain. When I was in the thick of it, I struggled to focus or concentrate on anything and had to leave my beloved career due to that, and the overwhelming and debilitating pain and fatigue that hit me hard. Betrayal Trauma is a serious life-changing form of PTSD that can take years of work to recover from. If this book would have been around back when the gaslighting and manipulation began over five years ago, because he was starting an affair, it would have given me so much strength to know what I was dealing with much earlier instead of believing his lies and cowering, which was totally unlike me. And if I would have had it a decade earlier, I would have understood that I was being abused by my first husband’s porn use and got out earlier instead of it eating me up inside and killing our marriage years before it finally ended.

Thank you for such a thorough review. When you buy Trauma Mama Husband Drama on Amazon please circle back. These really detailed reviews bump up the algorithm on Amazon, and they help women find us. So, if they find the book on Amazon, even if they don’t buy it, it helps women find the podcast which is free to everyone. So. thank you, those of you who’ve taken the time to do that.

“Divorce Isn’t Something We Take Lightly At All”

Anne: It’s painful, especially when so many of us come from a religious background and divorce isn’t something we take lightly at all. In fact, we feel like we’ve made serious vows, not only to our spouse but to God. So, considering divorce feels like not just maybe “betraying our husband,” I’m going to say that in quotes because obviously, we’re not, because he betrayed us. Also, in so many ways feels like we’re betraying God.

“It Was Shocking & Upsetting, But I Made The Right Decision”

Anne: I think it’s interesting that so many women in our community, me included, did not think that our husband was like that. And then we found out that, no, he is like this, and it was shocking to us during the divorce process. So, I think that’s a warning to women that you may think, oh no, he would never do that he would always support us, that kind of a thing and then you find out whoa. Like in my case, he’s shut down our bank account. In so many cases that happens and really the abuse starts to be very overt, where perhaps before it was covert. You know for me, it was shocking and upsetting but it was also like, I guess I made the right decision, because it was like, whoa, he’s getting more and more abusive through this, not less. And you are going to be hurt by it, but you can also think, oh, okay, this is another sign that I’m making the right decision.

“We Don’t Mention Divorce Until We Are Doing It”

Anne: It’s smart to wait to mention divorce until it’s underway. You know, so many of us have learned the hard way, like what we did, didn’t work. I assure you, listeners, that you may feel like well I could never do that thing, or I couldn’t say that, or you know I’d have to explain to him or something. You don’t have to take our word for it, but I wish I would have had someone like Coach Debra in my life, and that I would have put my trust in her because she genuinely knows what she’s talking about and I would have fared better, and I would have had a less traumatic experience. It feels counterintuitive. So many of the things, boundaries feel counterintuitive right, because we love this person, we want to explain to them what’s going on, but you can’t explain to your abuser why his abuse is hurting you, without getting abused more. So, it just doesn’t work. Anyway, we’ve tried and tried and tried and my guess is the reason why you’re here listening to Betrayal Trauma Recovery is that you’ve tried a lot of different things too, and you’ve realized through your own experience that it doesn’t work as well.

The Right Experts Can Help You Through The Trauma Of Divorce

Anne: And a lot of women want to sort of talk to their attorney a lot, getting validation from their attorney, or even want their attorney to be their therapist, which is a very expensive way to go. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is a great place to find support for women in trauma. Don’t look to your attorney for emotional support or validation or anything like that. That is not what their job is and it’s not what they’re trained to do. And it will be frustrating and extremely expensive.

If this podcast is helpful to you, please support it. Until next week, stay safe out there.

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