You deserve the best betrayal trauma resources as you navigate the deeply personal journey toward emotional safety and healing. Lindsay, a member of the BTR.ORG community, joins Anne on The BTR.ORG Podcast.
On this episode Lindsay asks:
“For newly traumatized women, what resources are available, and if the resources available to them aren’t healthy, what can they look for to make the resources work for them?”
The Best Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources For Women
Lindsay and Anne recommend the following resources for betrayed women:
- Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?
- Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions: daily, live, online support in multiple time zones
- The BTR.ORG Podcast
- Individual Sessions with a BTR Coach
- The BTR.ORG Books Page – offering curated selections of books about narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, emotional abuse, sexual coercion, healing, and post-traumatic growth. Most books can be found at your local library or purchased on Amazon.
When It Comes to Healing, You Can Trust You
The bottom line: you are the expert on you. Listen to your sacred, internal guide as you determine what resources you need as you work toward healing and peace. As Anne shares,
“Whatever resource you choose, if it’s reading books, if the only thing you do is go in your closet and pray, and that’s your recovery plan, it will be worth it.”
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):
My friend Lindsay and I were hanging out in my basement, and we are going to continue the conversation today. We left off with talking about why I started Betrayal Trauma Recovery. So some of the principles I used, I wanted all the educational material, the podcast, the website, everything like the transcribed articles. I wanted it all to be free. And then the other thing I wanted was for women to be able to have our professional services anywhere they were from their home, from their car, and that they needed to be immediately accessible. Accessible within hours of an abuse episode.
That you could either get into an individual session or get into a group session that you never had to call your therapist and get the sad news that they couldn’t see you for two weeks, or that you had to be on some wait list or something like that. Just wanted to make sure that women had a safe place to go.
It’s OKAY if it Takes Time to Understand Betrayal Trauma
Anne (00:55):
When I first started BTR, I thought that BTR would be to shorten the time span between trying to get help while being in the abuse cycle. It was basically to shorten the time span to you find out about their porn, and immediately you notice abuse and immediately you can set boundaries. That was like, okay, I am going to make sure that no woman has to go through 10, 20 years of this again.
Well, what I have found is that most women have to go through that stage. And so for women who are like, oh, I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I see it before? Why didn’t I do that? Almost like you had to go through that. No woman goes straight from I found porn on his phone to the hardcore boundary usually. I mean, maybe if you’re the miracle out there, email me. We will have you on the podcast.
“This Podcast is to Educate Women”
(01:42):
That would be awesome. So then I realized, no, this podcast is to educate women. We’ll just speak our truth and wherever they are is okay. Yeah. Take you where you are and we’ll just grow together from whatever stage we’re in and hopefully in the process. Number one is safety, and number two is that post-traumatic growth that people talk about a lot being able to grow, and I feel like I’m finally getting to that stage. I mean, I’ve changed a lot and grown a lot, but I also now I’m like, oh my word. I’m wearing makeup.
There’s so many things now that I’m working toward, and it’s so exciting. Now you’re at a really messy, tough, messy stage right now. You are separating as a boundary for repeated lies and porn use. You don’t know what the outcome of your boundary setting is going to be. Absolutely right. I believe your best chance for a happy future, and I also believe it’s your husband’s best chance to get healthy. But how are you feeling now in the context of your own personal growth?
Betrayal Trauma is Painful – It’s Going to Hurt
Lindsay (02:52):
One thing that was truly powerful was just remembering, not that I didn’t know before, but remembering that this is painful and it’s going to be painful. Part of the unmanageability is if I am stabbed by a knife, I can’t control whether that hurts. It’s going to hurt. And so letting myself feel those emotions in a real way. That’s awful. It’s awful to sit there and baw and cry and have a big pile of Kleenexes.
Anne (03:25):
We’ve all been there. It
Lindsay (03:27):
Feels super,
Anne (03:28):
The worst. You feel like all of the liquid in your entire body has come out your nose. Yes, yes.
“I don’t have to be perfect at this. It’s okay for me to be messy and raw and in pain right now.”
Lindsay
Lindsay (03:35):
The worst. It’s awful. And none of it is going to be fun, and it’s not going to be easy, and I’m going to make mistakes. I mean, yes, I’m holding a boundary, but oh my word, I have no clue if this is the right thing, the right answer, and that’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect at this, and it’s okay for me to be messy and raw and in pain right now.
When Betrayal Trauma Victims Have Little or No Support
Anne (04:03):
For me, it’s been years of pain and unresolved things that I still can’t fix, and they’re still here. I still can’t fix them. There’s one woman who I talked to on the phone, and her situation was bleak. She had no support, nobody understood what she was going through. She was actually living with her and they didn’t understand. So everything was really bad. I just prayed with her on the phone. I was like, you can get a coach, you can get a therapist or whatever. That still, your situation’s so bad that you need help from God. And she believed in God, so that wasn’t a stretch for her.
So we said a prayer and she emailed me a little bit later and said, I haven’t had any huge miracle happen. I told her, there were so many times where I was screaming and yelling and jumping up and down and saying, send help now I need help now. I need something to change now. And nobody came and nothing happened. But things have happened slowly over time, and that has been really cool to watch, and I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen 10 years from now. It makes it kind of exciting knowing that it’s all working for my good and having that faith that it will, even if I can’t see it.
What are the Best Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources For Women?
Lindsay (05:27):
Right. So I had a question for you. So let’s say that there is somebody that’s out there and they’re totally new. I mean, this is their first introduction to anything recovery-related.
Anne (05:39):
This podcast right now?
Lindsay (05:42):
Yes. What resources are available and if the resources that are available to them aren’t healthy, what can they look for in what they have available to make it still work for them?
“You’re in the right place now.”
Anne (05:54):
Yeah, I would say I, you’re in the right place now. So if this is your first time and this is the first thing, and you’re like what resource you are at it, BTR is now I created it. So I’m a little biased, but the best resource there is for victims of Betrayal. And the reason I feel confident about saying that is because women have gone to lots of other places and then come back and said, well, this wasn’t safe for me.
But let’s say a woman tries something and it’s not right. She goes to a COSA group, for example, or a different 12 step group, and it’s like, no, this doesn’t feel right. This isn’t safe. So I would say that’s why I built BTR, knowing that you’re looking for a place that sees it as a victim and perpetrator situation. So someone said to me the other day, how do you feel about the drama triangle, about the drama triangle, victim, perpetrator, and rescuer?
Books As Resources for Betrayal Trauma Victims
(06:52):
In this context, there is no triangle, and same thing with people. It takes two to tango or both sides of the story. There is one truth, and for me, for nine months, I prayed every day to know what the truth of my situation was, and I was really open to knowing exactly what that was, so that if it is me, I want to know. And what I discovered was you are in an abusive relationship. That was the truth of my situation.
So being educated about what abuse looks like, what manipulation looks like is really important. So for someone just starting out, I’d say Read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Absolutely. Like yesterday or tomorrow or tomorrow morning, really early. Check it out from your library.
The BTR.ORG Podcast is a Great Resource for Betrayal Trauma Victims
(07:49):
And so with books to read that are inexpensive, we have our books page. Our books page is a compilation of all those books, and most of them you can get at your local library. Even on audiobook. Which is awesome. Listen to why does he do that on audiobook and then read it. That’s what I did. I listened on audio and then listen again, and guess what else is free? This podcast.
I was just recently reading the, I hadn’t done it before. The ratings on iTunes. I was like, oh, they’re so nice. They were saying, listening to your podcast has done more for me than 10 years of therapy. I mean, just stuff like that. And I was like, really? I’m so glad. That’s the whole point of it. Healing from abuse is a long term, emotionally, physically, and financially expensive endeavor. It is worth it though. So whatever resource you choose, even if it’s just reading books, even if the only thing you do is go in your closet and pray, and that’s your quote, recovery plan, it will be worth it.
Lindsay (08:59):
Yeah.
Are 12-Step Groups Healthy Resources for Betrayal Trauma Victims?
Anne (08:59):
Something that concerns me regarding 12 Step Groups as a resource for betrayal trauma is the way that some women are made to feel responsible for their husband’s choices or the healthiness of the marriage, even though they are not, and have not been the abusive one. Here’s an example.
Anne (09:16):
When I went, women said, when I started coming here, that’s what made the difference to my husband. And I just was like, stop saying that. The other thing I thought was interesting is that in that stage, they thought their husband was doing, well, I’m not saying one particular person, but I’ve seen this happen a lot of times. And then later they find out that he wasn’t even in a good stage at all and they thought he was. So that’s another thing that’s difficult about this journey is that really understanding what recovery safe person really looks like takes a lot of time.
Here’s to YOU Feeling Empowered to Seek the Right Resources for YOU
Lindsay (09:50):
So much time. I mean, even for me, I’m still developing my understanding of what that looks like. I gather all the resources I can put ’em in one Apple note.
Anne (10:00):
Lindsay is a very intense researcher. Yes, I am. I would say I’m very organized. I am
Lindsay (10:05):
Working on letting that go. It is still very much a work in progress.
Anne (10:12):
Well, I’m grateful that you felt safe enough here. Number one, just with me as my friend, that means a lot to me. But also to share your story here, to help women throughout the world know what is the best route for them to take. And again, any route is fine. Anything that works is great, because there are so many women in this situation. There’s no shortage of victims, and unfortunately there is a shortage of resources.
