Dating after infidelity and divorce seems overwhelming for many women. Especially when they haven’t healed from the emotional and psychological abuse they endured. If their previous husband lied to them, they’re justifiably worried a new man might lie to them too.
Infidelity and divorce can leave victims unsure of their own ability to decipher the safe, honest, and monogamous men from abusive men who lie. Here are 3 tips for women dating after infidelity and divorce:
Tip #1: Dating After Infidelity and Divorce Is OPTIONAL
Did you know that you don’t have to jump into dating right away—or at all? Understanding that dating is a choice and not a requirement can take immense pressure off your shoulders. Establishing firm boundaries can help you protect yourself and ensure that you only engage with potential partners who align with your values.
Example of Dealbreakers:
- I do not date men who use pornography.
- I do not date men who pressure me for sexual contact before I’m ready.
- I date men who respect women and reject misogyny.
- I date men who tell the truth and honor my boundaries.
Tip #2: If You’re Dating After Infidelity and Divorce, Observe His Actions
Actions speak louder than words. When you’re dating after infidelity and divorce, it’s crucial to pay attention to a man’s behavior rather than just his promises. Look for consistent, respectful actions that align with your dealbreakers and values.
Signs to Watch For:
- Do his words match his actions?
- Does he do what he says he’s going to do without reminding him or bringing it up?
- Does he demonstrate respect and kindness towards you and others?
- Enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to learn dating strategies that are observation based.
Tip #3: If You’re Dating After Infidelity and Divorce, Talk To His Ex (Or Ask a Friend Too)
While this might seem intrusive, speaking with a potential partner’s ex can provide valuable insights into his character. Alternatively, asking your trusted friends to gather information about him can offer an unbiased perspective.
Questions to Ask His Ex:
- How did he handle conflicts in your relationship?
- Was he honest and faithful during your time together?
- Did he respect your boundaries and opinions?
At BTR, we know how it feels to re-enter the dating world. Terrifying. Lonely. Hopeless. Overwhelming. Intimating.
Infidelity, pornography use, and other sexual acting-out behaviors in a partner that you trusted is devastating and excruciatingly painful.
Victims deserve a safe space to process their trauma and receive validation for their worries and fears. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions offer women the support, love, and empathy they deserve. Attend a Group Session TODAY.
I too was lied to and married more than one man who said they weren’t into porn and then after I discovered a huge porn addiction. These men were extremely deceitful and told me what I wanted to hear and I believed them. Marriages ended tragically because they were completely addicted to porn and did not want a real relationship. Devastating for me. Thanks for your podcast Anne. Jessica, I would be scared to trust any man as I’ve been lied to so much about this issue. I don’t mean to be cynical but I guess I am. I hope your man is walking in truth.
Thank you for both of you insight. I think that I have been very forthright in my current relationship/marriage. And I think I did say what was acceptable and what I did or don’t believe was ok. I grew up very conservative Baptist and I don’t think that was a bad thing. It does make me realize that the group of men and women out there that the have actual heathy sexual beliefs are very few.
My question is this, what about magazines? My husband is into anything with a motor. Shortly after we got together, he started bringing these magazines around with almost naked women all over the bikes and I told him that I wasn’t ok with that. He said it’s just a b-word on a bike and it was a debate like you mentioned. Am I crazy? We’ve been married for 7 years now and are currently undergoing Christian marriage counseling. This subject was brought up once again just two nights ago. What can you recommend to help me explain my stand and help him to understand. It’s been a constant fight about what type of content he watches. He has been better since we started counseling, but he did also go through a porn watching episode just to get back at me. I know he has had an unhealthy sexual past. It makes it really hard for me not to be wondering what he’s doing on his phone. Trust hasn’t been renewed, for me. He says he trusts me, but if feel more like he just doesn’t care what I do or watch or think about. I’m just looking for some healthy ways to touch around the magazines and half naked women and how to explain why it’s not healthy and I do t want my son to see that as ok. Any recommendations would be appreciated. Thank you.
Lena, thank you for your thoughtful comment. We actually never recommend marriage counseling in this scenario. Have you seen our checklist? It’s a good place to start: Checklist for women who are upset about their husband’s pornography use.
Keep listening to the podcast. Listen to all the episodes and it will help you understand what is really happening. Hugs!