Many women are scared to share their story. They worry that they might be judged, criticized, or receive further harm. These are all valid concerns and have happened, so it’s important to be cautious when sharing your story.

It’s important for women who have been betrayed and abused to share their story with a safe person, IN A SAFE SETTING as part of their healing.

Anne, Founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks with Amy Kate, a certified betrayal trauma specialist, recovering drug addict and Shero, about how sharing her story helped her heal from trauma.

Your Story Probably Has A Happy Beginning

After Amy’s first marriage to a sex addict ended in divorce, she met a man who was everything she ever wanted.

With six children from her first marriage, Amy was cautious about marriage and dated him for a couple of years before they bought a house together. Soon after, they started attending a Christian church and were saved and married.

Amy’s life was normal, and her husband was a good stepdad to her young children.

“I had the kind of relationship that my friends were jealous of because my husband was always home, he would do chores, he didn’t leave his underwear on the floor! Life was good.” -Amy Kate, Shero

Amy had her share of health problems, but things seemed to still be going well.

In 2010, Amy had a couple of major surgeries and the bank foreclosed on their house. They moved and that’s when things started to change.

Her husband became very different and she couldn’t figure out why. Amy concluded, “Of course, I thought it was me or my kids. It couldn’t possibly have been him.”

You Will Probably Always Remember The Day Your Story Changed

Amy started to create a world outside of him. He became more and more distant. She tried to get him to try a new church, but he refused. He became angrier and their sex life became nonexistent.

Amy still remembers the exact date when her world began crumbling.

It was September 20, 2012.

He’d sworn he never watched porn and she’d believed him. She had all his passwords and he had hers. They hid nothing from each other—at least that’s what she had believed.

Amy checked his history and found a bunch of meet-up groups. She noticed that all the profiles he’d viewed were female. “I thought this was really weird, but I brushed it off thinking he was looking for a tech meet-up group because he is a tech guy.”

“As I kept looking at the female profiles, it was literally like a lightbulb went on. I said to myself, out loud, ‘My husband’s having an affair.’” -Amy Kate, Shero

Her gut told her it was happening. The evidence was there, but she didn’t have the proof, so she found his phone and started looking through it.

It took a little searching, but, finally, she found it. It was in the Google Voice app. The proof. The hard evidence.

Your Story Was Never What You Thought It Was

Two years’ worth of messages between her husband and his affair partner.

At first, it seemed to only be virtual, an emotional affair. By the end of the messages, however, she realized they had met in person.

As with most women, Amy will never forget that day. Her first D-day, as it’s called in the sex addiction world.

“As I am telling this, I can still feel the emotion I felt when reading the texts from her.” -Amy Kate, Shero

Amy, now in trauma, confronted her husband with the information. He lied and minimized the whole affair.

Desperate to save her marriage and prevent her husband from having another affair, she tried several methods.

4 Things That Never Free You From Abuse

  1. Amy tried to find the reasons why her husband was cheating on her. Of course, all reasons pointed to everything she was doing “wrong.”
  2. Amy tried to become the “perfect” wife. After all, it was “her fault” that he’d had an affair.
  3. Amy tried to lead his “recovery.” She caused the problem, so she had to fix it. She got him books and found him therapists that could teach him how to help her.
  4. Amy tried to get revenge. As the months went by, things got so bad that she wanted him to know how it felt, so she acted out sexually herself. She had an affair.

“I thought it was revenge and that it would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel worse. To this day, it still breaks my heart that I did that.” -Amy Kate, Shero

Through all of this, Amy, a recovering drug addict, had relapsed, and she was getting worse.

After this happened, Amy knew things were bad. Her husband was getting more abusive and was becoming borderline violent. He began using physical intimidation, trapping her in rooms and forcing her to continue discussions she didn’t want to have.

Your Story Can Be A Roller Coaster

By this time, Amy had full-on PTSD. She could see it, “The symptoms were there. I was a twitching mess, so I kicked him out.”

Then, another D-day.

What Amy thought was just an affair, she discovered, was much more. “The floodgates opened, and I found out about all the porn, the men, the prostitutes, and everything else that goes along with sex addiction.”

Having previously recovered from her own addiction and knowing many recovered addicts, Amy now had hope. She had the answer to why. She knew recovery was possible, so she let him come back home.

Still trying to lead his recovery, Amy was terrified but hopeful. As the months passed, her husband wasn’t changing, and her trauma symptoms were getting worse.

She had done some research and had slowly started recovering the lost pieces of herself before the second D-day, but when the trauma got worse, all progress was lost.

Your Story Can Lead To A Dark Abyss

Then, the hardest year of her life began. She began to be triggered every time she left her bedroom. She had developed a form of agoraphobia.

“I remember there was a period for a couple of weeks where just going to the bathroom was traumatic, which sounds dramatic, but it really was. I would put my hoodie on and put my hood over my head—for some reason this made me feel safer.” -Amy Kate, Shero

That year, Amy felt trapped, “My bedroom was like my cocoon. It was the only place I felt safe.”

During this time, her husband was proclaiming sobriety in public, but escalating in his abusive behaviors at home. “Once, he grabbed my arm because he was arguing and I said we needed to stop the conversation, and he tried to force me to talk to him—he did it so hard that my arms bruised. I didn’t realize this was physical abuse.”

Looking back, Amy knows her children were suffering, “Mom’s locked in her bedroom and Dad’s gone crazy. It was a really, really rough time period.”

When You Feel Like Your Story Is Ending, It Can Be A New Beginning

Near the end of this yearlong depression, it really hit her hard.

Amy stopped eating and she stopped caring, “I have a brain condition that gives me migraines. I was on meds for it and I did a bunch of research on how many I would need to take to commit suicide. I counted them out and went out to my car to take them all.”

With no family and her husband having isolated her from church, she felt completely alone.

“This part is a little hard because I have kids I love, and I was so depressed that they didn’t even matter. As a mom, this is really, really hard to admit but this is how low things got.” -Amy Kate, Shero

As Amy sat in her car, ready to take the pills, a thought came to her. “Call Robin,” it said.

Stunned, Amy tried to ignore the thought, but it was persistent. It kept coming.

Robin was a woman Amy had known from church before they had moved. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her in a couple of years. They had never been close, but they were acquainted.

Amy tried to argue, “I don’t want to call Robin. I’m done with life. I can’t do this anymore.”

Somehow, she gathered the courage to call Robin.

Sharing Your Story With One Person Can Set You Free

Little did Amy know that this one phone call was the step she needed to take to start her on the right path to her own healing.

It turned out that Amy just needed someone to talk to, “I went over to her house and I vomited my entire story onto her. This was the first time I had ever told my entire story. She had no advice. She just listened.”

In Amy’s work with wives of sex addicts and with herself, she has noticed that the more they share their story, the more healing comes.

As Amy shared her story with Robin, she felt herself go from depressed to angry. When she finished, she asked Robin for a Sharpie marker.

“She was looking at me like I had three heads, but she got the Sharpie. On my wrists I wrote, ‘Live free.’ That day, I decided I was done and that I was not going to end my life because he couldn’t fix his. This is really when recovery started for me.” -Amy Kate,

The first thing Amy did was go back to church. She knew she couldn’t do it alone. She knew she needed help from God, her higher power.

She became more selective about the music she listened to and started reading her Bible. She surrounded herself with the word of God.

Sharing Your Story Can Help You See That You Aren’t Alone—And You Aren’t Crazy

Then, she started reaching out to people. “I started telling my story to anyone that would listen because I needed help. I was so desperate that I didn’t care if you were a rock. If you could help me, I was going to tell you my story, because, during this time, I found out that one of my own children was struggling with pornography. It was really bad.”

Amy learned about visualizing, what her values were, and, most importantly, she learned about boundaries. She read books and joined a Facebook group.

The Facebook group had a huge impact on Amy’s healing, “This is where things began to take off because people understood, and I wasn’t crazy. I needed people to tell me I wasn’t crazy because I wasn’t sure. Now I call them my tribe. That’s what it felt like—a tribe, people who had my back.”

Boundaries Can Also Free You From Abuse

Once Amy understood boundaries, she set them. Her husband faked recovery for a little while, but things weren’t changing, so she kicked him out and filed for divorce.

About a month before the divorce would be final, she heard about a year-long residential treatment program designed for drug addicts. She felt led to tell her husband that she would stop the divorce if he would commit to going.

When she first felt it, she tried to tell God no, but, eventually, she decided to trust Him. She didn’t think her husband would do it, but he did. He quit his job and left for a year.

He graduated from the program, and seemed better, but Amy could tell that it still wasn’t good. She was still very afraid of a relapse because she still saw a lot of red flags.

When he returned from the program, he moved in with their pastor until Amy had to find a new place to rent for her children and animals, while working full-time and healing from trauma.

Remembering Your Story Can Keep You From Reliving It

When they moved into the new house, things spiraled very quickly. She caught him with porn and began to go back into trauma.

When she realized she was becoming agoraphobic again, she knew she didn’t want to go back there.

“At this point, I had regained my life. I was an active mom. I was who I was—fun, light, doing things outside in the world, I could handle football games for my son, I was me again. Then this relapse during the summer and I said, ‘No. I’m not going there again.’”-Amy Kate, Shero

Amy gave him a two-week warning then watched. Nothing changed. He made no steps toward recovery, so she kicked him out.

Making Your Higher Power Part Of Your Story Can Also Free You From Abuse

Amy was angry at God, at this point, “I just went through a year of basically hell while he was in rehab. He isn’t out even two months and relapses. What am I missing here? Something isn’t adding up. Yes, I was angry. I felt betrayed by God.”

Amy declared war on Satan and worked on her triggers.

“Honestly, I yelled at God a lot. I yelled at Him more and more. Every time I did it, I felt like He was saying, ‘I understand, but I’ve got this.’” -Amy Kate, Shero

As she worked on her healing, she met a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach and took some trauma training. “It was like everything was flipped and made sense. Just in that short period of time, I’ve done more healing than I’d done in the two years before that.”

When Amy kicked her husband out, he moved 900 miles away. Since the divorce has been final, he has made no attempts to contact her or her children. The most difficult part for her now is watching her teenage daughters go through his abandonment.

Amy also found out, after her divorce, that at the time of her deep depression when she was at her lowest, her husband’s therapist had told him that she needed help for her own safety. He chose to ignore the recommendations of this therapist.

Sharing Your Story Can Help Other Women Find Hope And Healing

Today, Amy courageously shares her story, so other women will know that they are not alone.

Most women who discover their husband’s lies, infidelity, porn use, and abuse don’t know where to turn. By sharing your story, you may help another woman find safety and support. You may also find that it becomes an important part of your own healing journey.

If you would like to share your story here, please leave a comment on this post.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery offers women who have been affected by their husband’s porn use, infidelity, and abuse a safe place to share their story through Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group sessions, Individual Sessions, or through our free Facebook group.

For information on how to join a Support Group, please click here.

For information on how to schedule an Individual Session, please click here.

To join our secret Facebook group, go to our homepage here, scroll down to Join Our Community and enter your email address to receive instructions.

Full Transcript:

Today we have Amy Kate, an advocate for partners of those with sexual addictions and a survivor of two marriages that ended as a result of sexual addiction. She has six awesome kids and is trained through The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), as well as the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT).

She is a fierce warrior determined to point women to freedom and healing found at the feet of Jesus. She is also a customer service representative for Covenant Eyes.

Anne: We are going to talk about your personal story. We know that you went through two marriages due to sex addiction. Let’s focus on the second marriage and what happened there. Can you tell us what your life was like before D-day in your second marriage?

Amy: I was divorced from my first husband who was a porn addict and I met this guy who was everything that I never imagined existed. He was soft, sweet, and feminine, but not in a weird way. He was just a super, awesome guy.

I was not a Christian at the time, and neither was he. We dated for a couple of years and then we bought a house together and we went to church where we both were saved. When we got saved, we got convicted for living together so we got married.

I already had six children from my first marriage, and he was a very good stepdad. My children were rather young. It was a pretty normal life. I had the kind of relationship that my friends were jealous of because my husband was always home, he would do chores, he didn’t leave his underwear on the floor!

He looked like a model man. Life was good. I had all kinds of health problems but despite this, he was just good.

In 2010, after a couple of major surgeries and a foreclosure on my house, we moved, and everything began to change in the relationship. He was very different, and I couldn’t figure out why. Of course, I thought it was me or my kids. It couldn’t possibly have been him.

I started to create my own world outside of him. I had been a stay-at-home mom, which I loved, but I opened a photography studio. We were a pretty normal couple.

We didn’t go to church, which was unfortunate. I kept trying to get him to try new churches, but he was resistant. As time progressed, he got more and more distant. I began to see more anger and our sex life pretty much disappeared.

One day, September 20, 2012, I was on his computer—I had all his passwords and he had all mine because we didn’t have anything to hide, right?—I looked at his history even though I’m not sure why—he swore he never watched porn and I believed him.

I saw a bunch of meet-up groups in his history and all the profiles he’d looked at were female. I thought this was really weird, but I brushed it off thinking he was looking for a tech meet-up group because he is a tech guy.

As I kept looking and seeing the female profiles, it was literally like a lightbulb went off and out loud, to myself, said, “My husband’s having an affair.” But I couldn’t see anything so I ended up combing through his computer to find something and I couldn’t find anything.

Then I went upstairs and got his phone and I began to look through it. I didn’t find anything until I found the Google Voice app. At this point, I took the phone downstairs and I promptly read two years’ worth of texts from his affair partner. That was my first D-day.

As I am telling this, I can still feel the emotion I felt when reading the texts from her. At first, I thought it was just virtual, but it wasn’t. By the end of the texting I realized that they had met in person.

Anne: For our listeners, maybe some of you are not familiar with the term “D-day” which I have used a lot on the podcast. It means “discovery day.” The day the addiction was discovered, the day you discovered your husband was lying to you, that he had a secret life.

In my case, my worst D-day was when my husband was arrested for domestic violence and I realized the behaviors I had been experiencing for the last seven years were emotional abuse and physical intimidation.

That day, when everything came to a halt. That is what we refer to as D-day. We would love to hear about your D-day and experience. If you go to btr.org you can find this podcast and comment anonymously about what happened to you. We also have a secret Facebook group if you would like to join our community. You can join for free and share your stories there as well.

Amy: If I can piggy-back on the telling your story part. I think this is one of the most healing things a spouse can do is to tell her story. The more you tell your story, the more healing that happens. This is what I have experienced as well as the women I have worked with. Telling your story is super hard but there is so much healing in sharing. Please tell your stories.

I confronted my husband and he tried minimizing and lying. Then I decided to relapse myself. I am a recovering drug addict and in my kitchen cabinet was some tequila. One of my clients had flown me down to Florida to shoot their wedding and they’d had personalized tequila as party favors.

This day I grabbed it and my own relapse began and did not end for quite a while. I wanted to kick him out, but I was too busy yelling at him, so I didn’t kick him out.

Then I tried to get to the whys and of course, it was all me—everything that I was doing wrong. I went into the “I have to be a perfect wife” because I drove my husband to an affair. It lasted a little while—longer than it should have—then my relapse got worse, and he was still doing things that I didn’t know he was doing yet.

I led the “recovery” by handing him books and finding him therapists and trying to teach him how to help me. The entire time everything was getting worse for us.

There were more fights. He was getting borderline violent. He didn’t actually hit me, but he would trap me in rooms when I wanted to leave a discussion, or he would try to force his way into rooms if I didn’t want to have a discussion then and there. The behaviors really escalated.

After about 15 months of this chaos and, unfortunately, I did my own sexual acting out. I thought it was revenge and that it would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel worse. To this day, it still breaks my heart that I did that.

Fifteen months later, nothing was better. Everything was worse. I clearly had PTSD at this point. The symptoms were there. I was a twitching mess, so I kicked him out.

Two days later, the floodgates opened, and I found out about all the porn, the men, the prostitutes and everything else that goes along with sex addiction. For 15 months I thought it was just an affair. Then everything else came out. When he did all of the admitting, he was really broken.

You could see he was legitimately broken. Because I have so much history around recovering from addiction, I know that change is possible. I let him come home because now I had an answer. This is why we haven’t been able to heal—because of addiction. Now we could fix the addiction. I tried to control his recovery because he still wasn’t doing it.

Anne: Were you still active in your addiction at this time?

Amy: Yes. Because I wasn’t fully committed, I would have bouts of sobriety and then I would relapse again. I was still active. Apparently, this is my response to a D-day—it was my response. I don’t do this anymore.

Anne: You’re having ups and downs with your own recovery during this time and then you get the bombshell of finding out that he has been looking at porn, that he has been with other men, he’s been visiting prostitutes. Where were you then?

Amy: I was a weird mix of terrified, shocked but hopeful. Again, I believe in the power of recovery. I know that an addict can change. I know it because I changed, and I know a ton of addicts that have changed. Actually, some of the addicts I know who have changed are some of the most authentic people you will meet. I know that change is possible, but I was terrified.

Anne: I feel the same way. Even with what I have been through, my ex-husband is not in recovery, but I have been praying every day that Christ will revive him—literally bring him back from the dead.

I watch him and I want so badly for our family to be together even though he is my ex-husband now and even though I hold a no contact boundary because of his lack of emotional health, I still want our family to be together.

I am with you there! I absolutely believe that addicts can change. This is really what breaks your heart, and also what gives you hope! As you were hoping for him to change, what were you doing?

Amy: I did my research, but it was the wrong research. I ended up in the female co-sex addict codependent books and didn’t find the right path to healing for a long time.

I was slowly starting to recover me because I had lost me at this point. I was unrecognizable. Within a couple months of him moving back home after the second large disclosure, that is when the PTSD got insanely bad. Nothing changed when he came home.

All the behaviors that come along with addiction were there—he was still lying to me, he was angry, he was blaming me for stuff, we were having circular conversations that were making me feel insane. I did not know my reality. Is what he just said true? Am I going crazy?

I really wrestled with that one for a long time. Then I got some form of agoraphobia. I was so triggered whenever I left my bedroom that I basically lived in my room for a year.

I remember there was a period for a couple of weeks where just going to the bathroom was traumatic, which sounds dramatic, but it really was. I would put my hoodie on and put my hood over my head—for some reason this made me feel safer.

I would then, literally, run to the bathroom like there was this monster in the house going to get me and then run back. My bedroom was like my cocoon. It was the only place I felt safe.

I missed a lot of my life for almost a year in this place. During this, my husband was acting out and claiming his sobriety from the rooftops and that “she’s just crazy.”

Later, I found out—just after the divorce so not long ago—that his therapist had suggested to him multiple times that I needed mental help because he was afraid for my own safety. My ex-husband chose not to address it with me. He didn’t even acknowledge it despite a trained therapist saying, “Your wife needs help.”

Anne: Was he sleeping in the bedroom with you at the time?

Amy: After he moved home, he was in the bedroom for a very short time and then he was on the couch.

Anne: Okay, so he was not in the bedroom with you and so you felt like you had a little bit of a safe place.

Amy: Yes. It was my cocoon. We were in a chaotic cycle where the behaviors progressed, and he pushed me. Once he grabbed my arm because he was arguing and I said we needed to stop the conversation, and he tried to force me to talk to him—he did it so hard that my arms bruised.

I didn’t realize this was physical abuse. This thought never crossed my mind. One time he pushed me into my car. He began to get mean with the kids. Everything was escalating and my children were really suffering because mom’s locked in her bedroom and Dad’s gone crazy. It was a really, really rough time period.

Then the depression really kicked in. I stopped eating. I literally did not care about anything. I have a brain condition that gives me migraines. I was on meds for it and I did a bunch of research on how many I would need to take to commit suicide. I counted them out and went out to my car to take them all.

This part is a little hard because I have kids I love, and I was so depressed that they didn’t even matter. As a mom, this is really, really hard to admit but this is how low things got. I should explain that I have no family and my ex had isolated me from my church and from my friends and I was, literally, alone.

I was sitting in my car with this bottle—I hadn’t been to church in a couple of years—and all of the sudden I kept hearing, “Call Robin.” She is a woman from my old church. Robin and I were never close. I knew her and I liked her but it’s not like we were good friends. But I kept feeling this, “Call Robin. Call Robin. Call Robin.”

I was like, “I don’t want to call Robin. I’m done with life. I can’t do this anymore.” Somehow, I summoned up the nerve to call Robin and I went over to her house and I vomited my entire story onto her. This is the first time I had ever told my entire story. She had no advice. She just listened.

By the end of it, I got angry. Suddenly, I asked her for a Sharpie. She was looking at me like I had three heads, but she got the Sharpie, and, on my wrists, I wrote, “Live free.” That day, I decided I was done and that I was not going to end my life because he couldn’t fix his. This is really when recovery started for me.

Anne: Wow. You have a really powerful story and I really appreciate your candor in sharing this with us today. I am really sorry for all of your pain. I can hear it in your voice. So many of our listeners have felt similar feelings to what you felt. When you decided to recover yourself, what were your first steps?

Amy: The first thing I did was go back to church. I knew that I was so far in a pit that I could not get out of it by myself. I began to read my Bible all the time and I stopped to listening to secular music and surrounded myself with the word of God.

I actually sought out people for the first time. I started telling my story to anyone that would listen because I needed help. I was so desperate that I didn’t care if you were a rock.

If you could help me, I was going to tell you my story because during all of this, I found out that one of my six children was struggling with pornography. It was really bad.

I began going back to church. I found a couple of different websites that had me doing exercises on visualizing what I wanted my life to be, what my values are. I learned the word “boundary.” I had never heard it. I started reading books and piece by piece, I started getting better.

Then I found a Facebook support group, and this is where things began to take off because people understood, and I wasn’t crazy. I needed people to tell me I wasn’t crazy because I wasn’t sure. Now I call them my tribe. It’s what it felt like—a tribe, people who had my back.

Anne: Like I said earlier, you can join our secret FB group by going to btr.org, scroll down, and select to join our community. Add your email and we will send you an email with the instructions about how to join this group.

It’s so fantastic that you were able to find a support group through FB. Now that you had this support, what happened next?

Amy: I figured out what boundaries where and I made them. He faked it for a little while; he was good at faking. Things were not changing, so I kicked him out and I filed for divorce. I felt like I had no other options.

Somewhere in there I got the job at Covenant Eyes which also significantly helped my healing. We were a month away from divorce when I heard about a program called Teen Challenge, designed for drug addicts. It’s a year-long, live-in program.

I felt led to tell my husband at the time that I would stop the divorce and see who he was if he would commit to go to Teen Challenge. At first, when I felt like this is what I was supposed to do, I told God no. God and I argued about this a lot because I was done and did not want to do this anymore. But I listened and resentfully submitted.

Anne: I totally get it! I have had so many moments like this where I did the surrender process, but I did not want to.

Amy: It was like, “I know you want me to do this. I don’t want to do this, but I will obey anyway because I trust you.” I offered it to him, mostly because I didn’t think he would say yes, but he did.

He went away for a year. He quit his job. He lived in the program for a year. He got better for a couple of months and then relapsed in Teen Challenge—or so he told me.

Now he says he didn’t relapse. He has changed the story so many times I do not know the truth, but either way, he was not getting better. He graduated Teen Challenge and seemed better but not good. I was still very afraid of a relapse. There were still a lot of red flags to me.

He moved in with our pastor for a while so I could see how he could handle life on the outside. My landlord in the house we lived in gave us 30-days’ notice because he was selling the house. I had to find a new rental that would accept my brood of children and animals, while I’m working full-time and still dealing with trauma, so I let him move home to help me.

We got the new house and it spiraled very, very quickly over the summer. He went from a fairly soft, sweet guy back to the old bad behaviors of physically threatening me, the anger, the lying. Then I caught him with porn, and I kicked him out.

Anne: I can’t imagine what you are feeling—actually I sort of can—so you send him away for a year; you’re doing what God asked you to do, you have faith in God. He has been through the program and he moves back home, and it all falls apart again. Right? I’m imagining you were completely devastated at this point.

Amy: I began to go back into PTSD land, where I’d lived with all of the PTSD symptoms. What made me make the decision to kick him out was the agoraphobia came back again. At this point, I had regained my life. I was an active mom.

I was who I was—fun, light, doing things outside in the world, I could handle football games for my son, I was me again. Then this relapse began and I said, “No. I’m not going there again.”

I gave him a two-week warning and, literally, nothing happened. He made no steps towards fixing his relapse. I gave him two-weeks’ notice and kicked him out.

Anne: How are you feeling about God at this point?

Amy: Oh, I’m angry.

Anne: I would be too! I’m thinking God’s told you to send him to this year thing, you’ve been doing life alone, he comes back and he basically hasn’t changed at all. It’s like, “God, why? Why didn’t you have me end this a year ago?” We’ve all been through this thought process before.

Amy: I just went through a year of basically hell while he was in rehab and he isn’t out even two months and relapses. What am I missing here? Something isn’t adding up. Yes, I was angry. I felt betrayed by God.

Anne: I can imagine. What did you do to repair your relationship with God?

Amy: I had to tackle a couple of big triggers: music. I love worship music, but all my worship music reminded me of my husband, so I stopped listening to this. One song talks about taking back what the enemy has stolen.

For the longest time this song resonated with me and my husband. We were going to take back our marriage. I decided to flip this song around. It wasn’t about my marriage anymore. It was about what the enemy stole from me.

One of those things was my faith in God. He didn’t get to have that. He got my marriage, but he doesn’t get to have my faith. He doesn’t get to take the pieces of me that I like.

Basically, I declared war on Satan, so I tackled every trigger I had around it. Honestly, I yelled at God a lot. I yelled at him some more and more. Every time I did it, I felt like He was saying, “I understand, but I’ve got this.” I kicked my husband out and he moved 900 miles away.

In this process, I met a BTR coach. Between the coach and learning what I learned in my trauma training, it was like everything flipped and made sense. Just in that short period of time, I’ve done more healing than I’d done in the two years before that.

We got divorced and it was final, and I offered reconciliation. If it required repentance and recovery, this has not happened. He has abandoned the kids and has no contact with them at all. Right now, this is the hardest part watching my teenage girls going through this abandonment.

Anne: Yes. My ex moved from a city he was living in temporarily back to the city where we lived. He told his friends that he was so excited to move back so he could spend more time with his kids and then from the day he moved back, he did not see the kids for 4 weeks.

I know this is not completely abandoning them, but it is so interesting that these men do not realize the impact their decisions are having on other people.

I’m so sorry for your children. It stinks but it is so good to know that so many other women understand and are walking this path with us and that we do have support from them. We have amazing professionals like Certified Betrayal Trauma Specialists who help walk us through. We do have God. We are not alone in this journey even when we feel like we are.

Amy Kate will be with us again next week, talking about demystifying the behaviors of sex addicts, a theme she has learned being trained by APSATS and also in her training with the American Association of Sex Addiction Therapy (AASAT). I look forward to talking about his aspect of how to understand these behaviors if they do not make any sense.

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Thank you, Amy Kate. I will see you next week.

If you need support, consider joining Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group.

Stay safe out there!

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