Have you asked, “Can a husband sexually abuse his wife?” The answer is yes. When it happens, it’s difficult for a woman to understand what’s going on.
Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.
Even when she does, her husband is rarely held accountable by therapists, clergy, and family – let alone the law.
Sexual abuse is a serious crime and victims suffer devastating trauma as a result of their abuser’s choices. But women can heal and find peace again with support, safety, and self-care.
Sandy, an incredibly courageous member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shares her story of intense and traumatizing sexual betrayal and rape, and how she identified it abuse. Even when it was happening to her she didn’t know her husband was sexually abusing her. Read the full transcript below.
Transcript: Can A Husband Sexually Abuse His Wife?
Anne: A member of our community. Sandy is on today’s episode. Not her real name, she’s using an alias. Because she’s going to be talking about how she experienced sexual abuse. The perpetrator was her husband. We won’t go into details. Welcome, Sandy. Why don’t you just go ahead and start where you want to start.
A Husband Can Sexually Abuse His Wife By Sharing Explicit Photos
Sandy: It’s hard to know where to start because I feel like the timeline is complicated. I was raped by my husband and then about a week after that happened. I found out that there were pictures of me on pornography sites. They were two completely separate incidences because the pictures happened about eight years before. I just didn’t know about them until a friend of mine told me. She said I don’t think you know this but he puts pictures of you on porn sites.
Anne: Wow. So you’re raped by your husband and then a week later, a friend says, you might not be aware, but there are some pictures of you on a porn site.
Sandy: When I heard that, I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like horror. The sentence can knock the wind out of you and just make your spirit, my soul, like just torn apart. That’s the only way I can describe it.
Sexually Abusive Men Dismiss Their Partner’s Feelings & Desires
Sandy: I went home and I asked my husband if it was true, are pictures of me on porn sites? He said, yes. I look back now and I think about that as the end of everything. We were married for 13 years at that point, but we were together for 15. This person that I had loved for 15 years, it’s like he didn’t exist anymore. I didn’t know who this person was who would do this to me.
Sandy: At that point, I hadn’t identified what he had done to me as rape.
Anne: Can you describe what you thought at the time had happened?
Sandy: I knew it was not good. I knew it wasn’t loving. It was very confusing. Why it was happening, what was going on. We had just had this terrible fight. The next thing I knew, he followed me up to the bedroom and I had my bathing suit on. I was taking it off. And the next I know, we’re having sex, and I didn’t know why. I thought if I would ask him to stop, then he would yell at me more.
Clergy, Faith-Communities, & Friends Can Help Victims Of Marital Sexual Abuse
Sandy: I talked about this with some with some friends, and they said, that’s rape. I said he didn’t pin me down, didn’t hurt me. They said, yeah, but he didn’t have your consent. I said, no, I didn’t realize that at that point, there are actually degrees of rape. The rape hotline online support has first, second, third and fourth different grades or degrees of rape.
It was actually third or fourth degree rape. Friends and leadership from my church at the time told me, this is rape, call this hotline. They’ll point you in the right direction. You need to get help. And they kept pushing me to get help because they were very much, you’ll heal faster if you process this right away. This is sexual abuse.
Sandy: Yeah, I definitely feel the Holy Spirit watching out for me, putting people in my life to really push me in the right direction.
Anne: That’s not a very common thing for clergy to help a rape victim identify the rape, especially when it’s her own spouse.
Sandy: And he didn’t punch me. He didn’t push me down.
Seeking Therapy & Reflecting On The Relationship
Sandy: They were really the ones who urged me to go to therapy by myself for sexual abuse and trauma. It wasn’t one of these, “Oh, you guys need to get into couples counseling.” The church, all the friends I had, they were like, you need to heal from this before you can ever work on a relationship again. The same thing for him, they were like, he obviously has major issues. He needs to figure out what those are and get help for them before he can be in a relationship with you.
I felt like that all started me out on the right track, even though it was the harder track in some ways because I was very much just wanting things to get back to normal. I wanted my life back. Not to say that I had this perfect relationship or something like that. We definitely had issues.
Anne: Are you saying that at the time you didn’t really understand the extent of the issues?
Sandy: Yes. That’s a better way
Anne: Okay. So at the time you’re thinking, I know we have issues, but really, do I have to go through all this stuff?
Sandy: Yeah, I knew that it was bigger.
Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives By Stalking & Recording Them Without Consent
Sandy: Once I found out about the pictures especially, yes, there is more going on here than I ever realized. I think I was in denial for many years because at one point I found a hidden camera in our bedroom. I asked, what is this about? He said, when I take the kids to school, you get undressed and I miss taking pictures of you. Because he was always essentially stalking me when I would take a shower or when I would get undressed.
He always had the camera and he was always wanting to take pictures. And I was always like, oh my gosh, this is so annoying just let me take a shower. But I thought he’s my husband, he likes to see me naked that’s good, right? It all was warning signs. So anyway, I found the hidden camera and I was to really angry about it. He was like, okay, I won’t do it again. That was years before I knew about the pictures online or anything like that.
Anne: When you find out about the pictures, what becomes clear to you at this point? I mean have you been going to therapy at all before the rape, before these things? Or, have you been thinking, there’s something not quite right with my relationship, something’s weird going on. Or were you thinking, oh I have a great relationship.
Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives By Ignoring Familial & Emotional Needs
Anne: Can you talk about your thoughts before the rape, and then also before you found out about him posting porn?
Sandy: It’s hard to explain because I wouldn’t say there was anything seeming super wrong. Our relationship beforehand seemed fairly normal to me. I wanted him to pay attention to me more. I felt like I’m the mother of three kids and I was a stay at home mom and I was always just wanting him to come home and spend some time with me.
He had an excuse to go do something else, and he had decided he wanted to start this new business. I was like, Why? Don’t! Don’t start this business, please. I never see you, I need you to be home. I need you to be a part of this family. He just was like if you don’t want to be a part of it, you don’t have to, but I’m gonna do it anyway.
I was, of course, upset about that, but to me, it’s It’s nothing to get divorced over, but I just thought he’s going do what he wants to do, and I’ll stay out of it if I don’t like it.
Anne: Well, ironically, going to therapy at that time, you not knowing about abuse, couple therapy wouldn’t help you a whole lot.
Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives By Overtly Or Covertly Threatening Infidelity
Sandy: Yeah, I had no idea and so it was just this sort of we both felt busy, had my own business, he was starting a business, I just remember thinking like, I can’t wait till we can spend more time together. Looking back at everything, it’s a weird combination of, I was begging for his attention and he was also obsessed with me. He was obsessed with me in a sexual way. It was almost like I couldn’t have his attention any other way.
Anne: Because he’s taking pictures of you all the time, and he’s doing these things that make you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, at least it’s something.
Sandy: Right, and there was one point where I even thought I wonder if he’s seeing somebody else because he never comes straight home after work. I would call his work and I would say, Hey, has he left yet? They would say, yeah, he left two hours ago. I didn’t know what that was about, so I thought I’ll just put out when he wants because then he won’t have a reason to sleep with anyone else. Looking back, that was so stupid.
Anne: We’ve all been there Sandy, no it was not stupid. It makes total sense.
Sandy: Yeah. You don’t know what else to do. Our kids were so young. Looking back, I can tell I was like in a complete state of denial, really, about everything that was going on.
In Denial & Discovery Of Betrayal
Anne: I wouldn’t call it denial , because denial puts the fault on you. I would say that you were seeking safety. At the time, the safest thing to you was to have a good attitude or give sex more because the alternative seemed terrifying. I wouldn’t call it denial as just really seeking safety and the alternative was too scary. The reason why I don’t want to call it denial is because they purposefully confuse and manipulate and lie.
So it’s not like you’re in denial about something that you know. It only confirms that you were a victim of psychological and emotional abuse. It sounds like you tried the oh, I’ll have sex with him whenever he wants. I’ll try to be a better mom. I’ll try to, be better. Those things didn’t work. Then you find out about the pictures. Where do you go after that? What happens after you find out, he produces porn, of me. And he’s posting this online without my consent.
Sandy: Obviously, as I said before, I just felt torn apart. I did not know which way was up or what to do. I started therapy and the therapist was like, have people around you that help you to feel safe. Have people that you can talk to at any point, friends, family, whoever that is. Maybe it’s just one or two people.
Do everything you can to get back into doing things that you enjoy, that you find interesting. In the meantime, I was trying to figure out, okay, but how do I live with this person? Because at the time, I didn’t know that I wanted to get divorced or anything. I was just trying to figure out which way was up.
Considering Pressing Charges For Sexual Abuse
Anne: Did anybody at the time, did anyone indicate to you that you could press charges?
Sandy: Yeah, because I was still speaking with a person on the rape hotline pretty regularly. So I mentioned to this person about the pictures. They said I would need to get the police involved to get the pictures down, but be aware that if you go to the police, they may, in fact, press charges even if you don’t want them to. If he gets put on the sex offender list, he would lose his job. I could not make a decision, in regard to that, in my state of shock and trauma.
Sandy: I told him we need to get these pictures taken down. He said, okay, I’ll hire a private company. He told me the pictures were taken down by this private company that he hired.
Anne: One of the questions I have is, looking back now, do you think it would have been better to press charges?
Sandy: I do now. Obviously I’m not completely healed from the trauma, but I’m in a place where I can talk about it a little easier.
Going To The Police
Sandy: I actually did go to the police because I had panic attacks that the pictures weren’t actually down and I thought, I don’t know. He just continues to do things that make me nervous even though we’re not married and we’re not living together or anything.
We share custody of the kids but trauma comes back and I just sometimes I freak out, right? I thought, Okay, I’m just gonna go to the police. I had the list from the company that he hired of all of the links, which was six pages worth of links to my images. This is obviously sexual abuse. When I take this to the police and they say okay, we’ll look into it.
Two years has passed since the crime. I did find out that yes, they are officially down. The company took them down, but they didn’t seem to think I could press charges. They didn’t really seem to care that this had been done and anything was told well, there’s nothing we can do.
It was two years ago, how can something be such a crime? He could have gone to jail or put on the sex offender list. So many things could have happened two years ago if I would have reported it. But now that it’s been two years, they’re like I don’t really see anything happening if we report this.
Is It The Abuser’s Voice Telling You Not To Report The Sexual Abuse?
Anne: One of the things I’m trying to help women understand is that when you don’t report something immediately, there are good reasons to report and good reasons not to report. We’re never judgmental around here about women reporting or not reporting. I want women to know that sense of, I can’t report this or I shouldn’t report this for some reason is usually the abuse talking.
Generally speaking most women, once they get past the trauma and they’re feeling better, really regret not reporting. If any victim is listening right now and they’re thinking, yeah my husband did do a crime and I haven’t reported it and should I report it or not. I would submit that the most likely thing happening currently is that it’s the abuse telling you not to report.
You’re so used to this abuse voice in your head and also the societal scripting or perhaps religious scripting, like he will lose his job or what about him? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and she was like, we really need to do these things and hold them accountable out of compassion for them. So that they can change.
But I said, it’s interesting as a victim of sexual abuse, you don’t really have to, justify your actions through it’s the most compassionate thing he can change. You could also do it just out of sheer anger. You don’t have to be like I need to do it from a place of love. No, you can actually call the police from a place of anger or from a place of trauma or from a place of anything that you want. It’s fine.
Victims Can Let The Justice System Decide The Legal Consequences For Sexual Abuse
Anne: I think society has said to victims you can’t be an angry, bitter woman. If you’re going to do it, you have to do it from some place of forgiveness or some place of compassion. It’s just something for people to think about that as a victim of sexual abuse you don’t owe your perpetrator anything.
Sandy: I had to get to that place because I completely agree now. I realized I did not do anything wrong. I was a victim of a crime. I need to report that crime.
That’s how I look at it now. Whereas before it was like you said. You can’t do this to him. It would destroy him and be so bad. It would be bad for his job. As well as thinking about our kids too. Besides, I did not do these things. I should not have to make that choice of whether or not he goes to jail. I was the victim. And I felt like that weight was on me to decide what his fate was.
Anne: Right, and just leave that up to the justice system, really. If someone witnessed someone stealing a car, you might be shaken up, you might pick up the phone and you might be like shaking because you saw this car get hijacked, let’s just pretend. Someone would not say to you, Oh let’s stop shaking before you call the police. Let’s make sure that you’re doing it from a place of really loving and having compassion for the guy that stole the car. Nobody says that.
Sexually Abusive Men Usually Commit to Stop, But Keep Doing It More Covertly
Anne: Talk about when you decide that you need to end the relationship and get a divorce.
Sandy: I feel like I spent about a year convincing him. That what he did was, obviously not right. He knew what he did wasn’t right, but he didn’t understand why he needed to go to therapy. He basically was like, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.
I said, no, you need to get help. In fact he had one that he spoke to for a while, and I asked to sit in on conversation to talk about some of my concerns. I realized, with this therapist, he did not tell her half of what was going on. And I said what about this and this?
I said, don’t you see there’s a pattern, with the pictures, him following me around with the camera, the camera in the bedroom and pictures online, there’s a pattern here. There’s something wrong with him. At this point I was just starting to learn about sex addiction, porn addiction, that kind of stuff. And the therapist says oh, you didn’t tell me about that. And I just thought, Oh my gosh. At that point he moved out.
Anne: Did any of the therapists that work with you or him say that he’s an sexual abuser?
Sandy: No, they didn’t.
Non-Consensual Sex Is Rape, Is Sexual Abuse
Sandy: At one point I was reading a book about abuse and I was like, I feel like he abused me. I’m pretty sure he has and it was my investigation, although when my mom asked about what’s going on with you guys. I said he’s been sexually abusing me.
I used those words before, but it was almost like I had to convince myself that this was abuse. Because he wasn’t hitting me. It wasn’t all the things that you normally see or hear about. The moment I remember looking up: Is non consensual pornography abuse. Is rape abuse. It’s okay, yes, of course, these things are. I shouldn’t have to be Googling this.
Anne: Is that when you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery?
Sandy: I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery through a friend who is from a different support group.
Anne: When you got here to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, were you like oh, this makes sense. Because a lot of people will Google that stuff, and they won’t find anything. And then when they find us, they’re like, Oh, finally, somebody gets it. Or did you find some other places that you felt understood?
Sandy: I think when I was Googling things, I was really just strictly looking for definitions. Definition of rape, definition of nonconsensual pornography, voyeurism. These are crimes, these are things you go to jail for it seems pretty obvious that’s sexual abuse. For whatever reason, it gave me sort of comfort to have the correct terms, to have the right labels.
Challenges With Therapy
Anne: Yeah, he’s going to a therapist, you go to the therapist, and you’re like Whoa. Therapy’s not gonna work. You’ve also got that going on, where you’re recognizing the abuse, but nobody’s saying, he’s an abuser
Sandy: Yeah. So he moves out, he continued to see his therapist, I continued to see mine. It was interesting because he admits to me at that point that his therapeutic goals were just to be a better husband. Whereas my therapeutic goal was to heal from trauma. We were not going down the same path.
Anne: His therapeutic goal was not to “not be a rapist.” His therapeutic goal was not, I want to stop raping my wife and I want to stop being abusive. That is not his therapeutic goal. His goal is just to be a better husband. So you’re recognizing, wait a minute, there’s some serious stuff wrong here.
Sandy: I feel like even after he moved out, I was always trying to relay the seriousness of the situation and he never quite got that. Even when I pointed out, this is sexual abuse and sex addiction, you need to see somebody who maybe specializes in that. He just said there’s nobody in our area. I’ll just get some books and I’ll read up on it.
Anne: Did you ever confront him and say you’re abusive at that time?
Sandy: I didn’t. Essentially after a year of trying to convince him that he needs to work through these big Issues. That he needs to essentially be able to protect me from himself is what needs to happen, which he never understood.
When Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives: The Consequences Women Face
Sandy: That’s when I said, I can’t do this anymore. It felt like every time I turned around, he was doing the bare minimum. He’d be look, I’m in therapy. I’m doing good. How many other guys would go to therapy? I couldn’t do it anymore. It felt like playing this game, I was done. I can’t describe it any other way.
Anne: That makes sense. What happened at that point?
Sandy: It took me a while to file because I think I wanted to make sure for whatever reason. I could tell he was getting desperate and didn’t know what do. He found a C-SAT at that point who wanted to talk to me, they’re very much we usually work together and I said my therapist says no.
Anne: I’ll interject here that a C-SAT is a certified sexual addiction therapist. We absolutely do not recommend that women go to a C-SAT. If you want to read more about that, read my book. We do not recommend the victims try to get the porn addict to go to therapy with a C-SAT because C-SAT’s don’t recognize the abuse.
They don’t view him as an abuser. Even if they did, because abusers lie. When abusers go to therapy, they end up weaponizing the therapy that they learn against their victims.
When Men Sexually Abuse Their Wives, They Are Also Psychologically & Emotionally Abusive
Sandy: One of the comments I should share. This an example of how serious, or not serious, he took the C-SAT even. I guess when they first enter in, the C-SAT tells them, no sex, no masturbation for 90 days because you need to completely reset your system. And he comes to me saying, Can you believe I have to go three months without sex or masturbation and it’s swimsuit season? I was like, Oh my gosh.
Anne: But the other thing we need to talk about is that you went to a C-SAT and the C-SAT didn’t tell you this is an abuse situation.
Sandy: No, I never really saw the C-SAT. I met with her once for 10 minutes.
Anne: They’re looking at him as a sex addict, not as an abuser.
Sandy: No, they don’t. They don’t look at it as abuse.
Anne: So that is super dangerous for victims as well because what this really is emotional and psychological abuse and sexual abuse. So he’s going to the C-SAT.
Sandy: He seemed like he was committed to it, I guess is the best word. But I thought if he wants to get healthy on his own, that’s great, but I can’t stay in this relationship. I just knew it.
Mediation To Heal From Marital Sexual Abuse
Sandy: We decided to do mediation instead of hire lawyers for our divorce, which worked well. Thankfully, he was cooperative about it. At some point, I think I just realized that I could never trust him again. Whether he was doing the recovery or not, I just wasn’t going to be able to do that. Essentially I just had to let him go because, you can’t have an intimate partner relationship with somebody that you can’t trust.
Fast forward, and, I find out he has a girlfriend. I’m like, of course he does, because I don’t think he’s in recovery anymore. He must have given up on it a while back, Of course, we’re not married anymore. It’s none of my business at this point what he does, except that, we have three kids together and I want to make sure they’re safe. I don’t want to raise them thinking that the way he treats women is all right. That, that’s my main concern at this point.
Anne: I think it’s validating to see that their behaviors haven’t changed. The fake recovery, we’ll call it, was a grooming phase where they thought, oh, I can show that I’m a good person or I can “prove” I’m a good person. Current boundaries are awesome now that you’re divorced and you recognize that he’s still abusive and he still exhibits abusive behaviors. What have you found that is helpful for your ongoing healing?
Sandy: I’ve done a number of things.
Processing Trauma Through Art
Sandy: One of them is creating sculptures that depict women either struggling or holding some emotion. Basically what I did is because I’m a ceramic artist, sculptor, I just ended up pouring my emotion into these clay women. It was almost like I couldn’t handle it myself and so I decided to make it out of clay and so women attached to vessels. That I throw and then they are engaging somehow, either climbing on them or pulling them together or looking inside them.
Anne: To process your trauma through art. Due to confidentiality reasons, we’re not going to show you her art, but it is incredible. What an amazing way to process. I gardened a lot. Some women exercise a lot. There’s so many different ways to process the and I would encourage listeners to go to our website, btr.org, find this episode and write down some of the different ways that you processed it.
Maybe you started painting your house or remodeling your house or some different way. Because talking about it is super helpful. We’d love to hear how you’ve been processing the trauma on our website.
Even When A Husband Sexually Abuses His Wife, Life Can Seem Pretty Normal
Anne: If you could go back and share anything with yourself. Before you got married, like any bits of wisdom that may help you in beginning this journey with an abusive man, what would you say to yourself?
Sandy: Looking back, there were many times when I would go to him and I would think that he was hearing me or listening to me, and he just was always like, Okay, that’s fine. I’ll do better. He so avoided confrontation.
If nobody sticks up for what they believe in , it doesn’t mean a fight or a disagreement. It doesn’t have to be like anything abusive. It’s just a disagreement. Everybody has them. It will show a lot of the health of the relationship if you can have those talks without abuse, in a respectful way.
Anne: For those of us who are in a lot of fights, like me, I would say disagreements make sense. not in the way that we were disagreeing because it was just abuse. You’re talking about a man who you thought agreed with you but was really always just grooming you. I am so sorry about your experience and so glad that you’re more safe now.
Shared Custody & Communication
Anne: Do you limit contact a lot even though you share custody?
Sandy: Really, if it doesn’t have to do with the kids, I pretty much just don’t talk to him. There’s just no reason to at this point.
Anne: It’s insane to me that the state of the civil courts is that if you share children with an abuser, the court forces you to have contact with the man who raped you. Because of the insane state of things with the family court system. That’s why I wrote the Betrayal Living Free and Message Workshops, to teach women how to deal with abusers strategically. Using the strategies, in those workshops, I was able to completely deliver myself and my children from my abuser.
Conclusion: Can A Husband Sexually Abuse His Wife? Yes
Anne: Sandy you are so brave and I admire your courage. Thank you so much for sharing your story today. I think it’s so important to share these stories because so many women go through them. I’ve had quite a few women tell me that they’ve had their husbands take pictures of them without their consent and post it for porn. I think porn users would be surprised to know that some of the porn that they’re viewing is of a wife who has no idea.
Sandy: Yeah, it’s very possible
Anne: Thank you so much for sharing today.
Sandy: Thank you.
Wow!! 🤯 know that she mentioned the cameras, I wonder if im on some porn sites. My ex husband would often turn the baby monitor on, and make it face the bed, on us. Made me feel so uncomfortable.
I strongly resemble with this statement Sandy said “I was begging for his attention but yet he was also obsessed with me. I mean he was obsessed with me in a sexual way. It was almost like I couldn’t have his attention any other way.” Except he must have been hiding his obsession because i can hardly tell if he actually found anything positive in me. The only way I can get a little attention from him was sex.
I also relate to this so much. I’m still with him and it’s breaking me. He is very demanding sexually and always wants me to dress up for him, use toys that hurt me, and video tape everything. He had a hidden camera in our room that I found and made him get rid of. He says it was because I had an online emotional affair and he didn’t trust me.
I did become too close with another man online I think in attempt to feel loved. I ended it and have never physically cheated on my husband. If I say no to sex he is mean and will mutter under his breath or give me the silent treatment all day long. He also critiques how into sex I am and is angered if I seem to not be into enough.
#metoo. On 7/27/2019, I discovered that for the past 5 yrs my BF posted an explicit photo of me on a website in order to attract partners for sex. I followed a very similar path as described on this podcast. We hired a law firm to certify photos were removed and I went as far as assigning copyrights to me and having an agreement in place so if he did it again there was a financial penalty. It didn’t stop him. Nobody told me to go to the police – the advice was “don’t embarrass your kids or his kids”. He stonewalled on the breached agreement and my anger swelled and I used it to file a police report.
I have a grand niece that has been abused by her husband who has several wives in different states and has molested them and his children that my niece didn’t know he had. She has an at risk son that is abused by her husband and someone in the state of Colorado needs to intervene on her behalf, like the governor, as she is trying to get a divorce and has problems with trauma and can’t speak at times. I am unable to help as i am disabled and don’t have the finances to help. She has been dropped by her attorney and has problems with her i phone as it has dropped her information an can’t get it back and can’t call people as she had phone numbers in the I phone that has malfunctioned. HELP!! Get in touch with me and I will get you in touch with her. She needs help desperately.
I’m so sorry. In order to get help from us, she needs to set an individual session with Coach Renee. Coach Renee helps emotional and psychological abuse victims navigate their local resources.
My children’s father (who I live with currently with our 2 children) has been abusing me for years, and it’s taken a long time for me to get out of this relationship. I didn’t make plans to physically get out until recently when I woke up to him assaulting me sexually. I was frozen I was scared and I couldn’t open my eyes.
I don’t know why I froze, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was cry, but I didn’t want him to see me cry so I just closed my eyes until he stopped. I didn’t even realize this was sexual abuse until I finally said something to my friend and she told me “that’s not just abuse, that’s sexual abuse” and my heart just sunk into my stomach.
My family won’t even believe me, and I have some friends that won’t believe me solely because “he looks like a nice guy I couldn’t ever picture him doing that” or “he says that you are the one abusing him because he tells me all about how you just yell at him.” It’s true, I do yell to attempt to defend myself from his abuse. I cry and scream when he’s doing something to me that harms me … it’s usually emotional and verbal abuse. But this is a whole other level of abuse and I’m just in a state of shock … still. The sexual assault started three months ago, and it’s happened 3 or 4 times within those three months. I haven’t been able to process the last 3 or 4 times that it happened.
I’m so sorry. It’s likely you didn’t realize the emotional and verbal abuse either until it escalated to this. We’re here for you! We understand. Lean on the friend who believes you. You can make your way to emotional and sexual safety. You’re strong. You’re brave:). You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
I’ve also woke up to a sexual assault. I usually freeze, but this time I yelled at him. But he was being very aggressive. He was completely drunk and says he didn’t know what he was doing. I kicked him out of my bedroom and am trying to muster up the courage to leave. I hope that you are working towards safety.
Wow. This is the first story I’ve heard that is similar to my experience with betrayal.
I definitely felt coerced to have sex much more than I wanted to in order to keep the peace. Almost a year ago, I discovered that my husband of 16 years had been secretly recording our sex, and was using it to sext with others online (via Snapchat and other messaging apps). I had no idea he was recording me, and I felt so humiliated. He posted it online a few times as well to get more sexting partners. We have been separated on and off over the past year.
Right now we are doing “in-home” separation – just for convenience sake. I see him working recovery – going to a CSAT, attending 12 step, providing a full therapeutic disclosure, and making changes. I am also seeing an APSATS counselor, and attending 12 step groups. I can’t see how I will ever trust again.
Even if he changes, I am so scared of being tricked again that I have built so many walls. He admits he was an abuser, but I don’t know what he is doing to address that. It’s helpful to know other women are struggling in similar situations. I feel broken and numb and don’t know if there is anything that can heal my marriage or if I even want it healed. My current goal is to make it through the holidays before making a decisions so that I can spare my kids the additional pain or associating the holidays with divorce. Thank you for this episode. It was very validating.
Oh, sister. We’re here for you!! We always recommend that women report crime with the help of a BTR.org coach because reporting can get tricky. I recommend scheduling an appointment with Coach Renee asap. We don’t recommend CSATS or APSATS in these cases because they do not know how to treat abuse or help abuse victims. They also don’t require perpetrators to confess their crimes to the proper authorities or guide victims to consider it. It’s our believe that abusers will not change unless they take full accountability for their abuse and the crimes they’ve committed.
We welcome you to our community! And hope to be able to be with you as you make your way to emotional, psychological, and sexual safety.
I have only just realized after 8 years of healing that I was a victim of not only physical abuse, but sexual abuse for 20 years by my previous spouse. This has been very upsetting for me to process and even understand the level of abuse and how early in the relationship it began, and how willing I was to brainwash myself to accept the sexual abuse. I had always had an understanding of the emotional abuse. It’s crazy to me that a I was sexually abused for so long and I didn’t even know.
Thanks for this. I wish more women shared their stories of marital rape and sexual abuse. The trauma and what it does to your brain makes recounting it particularly challenging, but it really helps other women. My husband has sexually abused me for over two decades. It took me a very long time to figure out why I felt so horribly miserable. Now I finally understand. My husband went through three therapists, two of them CSATS. CSATS are a safe haven for sexual predators and abusers! All that happened from seeing the CSATS was my husband “cleaned” his conscience, and then continued to sexually harass and sexually assault me, tell his therapist and other men in group sessions he raped his wife in the past (while failing to mention a continuum of violations), and got a ton of support from them. It’s safe for him and confidential. He’s made a handful of friends in doing so. His therapist seemed proud of him for sharing and making friends. His therapist also says my husband confided in him what he went thru as a child, which he has never told anyone else before. He says that what he endured as a child was horrible. No one has shared it with me mind you, but apparently his trauma matters more than all my trauma and pain and is an excuse for sexual abuse?
By the way, I shared my premarital trauma with my husband, and he only used it to discredit me and hurt me. Also, if my husband yells at me or stonewalls me for 24 hours, saying it was because he was triggered, his therapist literally says, “that makes sense.” When I first met his therapist I told him my husband was very sexually abusive and manipulative. He said to me that no one should ever let someone treat them like that. Let? Let was no part of anything. Just recently his therapist told me my husband was having bad reactions to things I was asking, because I wasn’t asking him in a “nice voice”. He said I needed to ask him things in a better way . . . he actually said,”Say that again, but try saying it nicer.” Are you kidding me? How I say something makes no difference whatsoever. No matter how I ask, my husband just pushes back or does the opposite. It’s all just so messed up and backwards. His therapist has been trying to convince me to see a CSAT that sees betrayed partners because he said, “after all, you are married to a sex addict.” Apparently he doesn’t know he’s an abuser.
I told him, “Yeah, well, I didn’t realize sex addict and rapist were the same thing.” Moral of the story, if you want to feel invisible and like you don’t matter, see a CSAT.
CSATs will enable your husband in every way that hurts you, and he’ll become more comfortable and empowered as you shrink inside yourself. CSATS coddle and enable abusive men and there is no line there between sex addict and sexual offender. If your partner is abusive or violating your human rights, couples therapy and sex addiction therapy will only make things worse. Go on your own to someone like BTR, with coaches who can actually support you because they care about YOU!!!
This topic makes me physically sick. I’m married for over 40 years. Early in our marriage my husband would take pictures of me in my pajamas or a towel and I told him to stop and I deleted them off the camera. Fast forward the technology of telephones, computers and iPads made it easier for him to do and hide from me.
Dday (2) was 2022, the discovery on all of his technology was shocking. He had gone away for a few days and I was able to see photos that were taken of me in various stages of undress. He would sneak in the bathroom, move the shower curtain, peep through windows, move the covers while I was sleeping and lots I don’t know about! He actually sent these in emails to a male coworker.
There were countless emails to women he knew over the years. A couple became APs, I found more than I ever thought, porn sites with his own login name, pictures of me that are embarrassing with reply’s back from other men that are so sexually disgusting the first time I read them I vomited. We both have been in countless hours of therapy together and alone. My husband never cries, has no empathy or remorse, he has taken courses on empathy’s has over 100 books on recovery and marriage and belongs to a PA group.
When I listened to this podcast I started thinking that I could press charges for things he’s done. Hoping him knowing that’s possible for me to do, he would GET IT understand what he did was illegal and start doing the real work.
I mentioned this to him, that I was possibly thinking filing charges but not pressing charges.
He quickly spoke to his therapist came back and told me, that together they thought he should get a Criminal Defense Attorney!
Peggy, I’m so sorry you’ve been abused in this way and that the therapist is unwilling to call out his abuse for what it is. Rather than confront the abuser about this, we recommend safety strategies. Our strategy workshop, Living Free can help you know what’s going on, and how to begin to create some emotional, psychological, and sexual safety.
I am 2 months post-discovery of a horrible sexual betrayal and so many things that Sandy spoke about hit home. I have found that one of the best tools to help me heal, is reading stories I can relate to. Thank you SO MUCH Sandy, for bravely sharing such a deeply personal story with your fellow broken souls. ❤️