If you haven’t yet, please read Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms before reading this post.
A BTR Coach and Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, continue their discussion of betrayal trauma. In Part 2, they talk about some of the symptoms and responses to the sex addict’s behaviors.
Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Can Make You Look Crazy
The BTR Coach shares a list of the most common trauma responses that she has seen in her clients and other women who are married to sexually addicted men.
11 Most Common Betrayal Trauma Responses
- Overwhelming emotions
- Unusual/uncharacteristic behaviors
- Sleep difficulties– too much/too little
- ‘Brain fog’– inability to think clearly, memory loss, getting lost easily
- Eating problems– inability to eat/overeating
- Anxiety/panic attacks
- Depression
- Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks
- Difficulty caring for self or others
- Isolation
- Obsessive need to check the internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history, etc. for signs that the danger is still present
This is not a comprehensive list. There are many more trauma responses than those listed here. This is an attempt to outline the more common responses post discovery/disclosure.
Many women who experience betrayal trauma symptoms and responses are often labeled “crazy” or “out of control” or even “abusive.” While the behavior may seem abnormal, they are normal for someone in trauma.
The BTR Coach talks about how these symptoms are similar to those of complex PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. She quotes Omar Minwalla’s blog post on nationalpsychologist.com:
“Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance.
“Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.”
Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Are A Result Of Abuse
The BTR Coach talks about the abuse that accompanies the addiction.
“The work of Minwalla, Steffens et al, reveals some added dimensions to the trauma suffered by partners of sex addicts in the vulnerability they experience to behavioral abuse, treatment-induced trauma and spiritual crisis.
“Many sex addicts accompany their secretive sexual behavior with a number of mind-bending tactics to conceal their secret lives.
“Many are experts at gaslighting and demonstrate an impressive array of narcissistic traits. This is all designed to confuse the partner and render her incapable of trusting her reality and thus incapable of challenging the addict’s behavior.
“Many women report aggressive and violent behaviors from the addicted person after their secret world is discovered.”
Not all women who have a sex-addicted husband experience the violent and aggressive abuse. However, the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation that accompany the addiction are abusive. For more information on how they are abusive, read here.
For more information on signs of abuse read here.
Betrayal Trauma Can Create A Spiritual Crisis
The BTR Coach says that many women experience more than just the psychological and emotional abuse. Some women also experience spiritual abuse, which can lead to secondary trauma. To learn more about secondary trauma, read here.
“Many wives of sex addicts experience spiritual abuse with their religious beliefs exploited as a means of control or minimization. Sadly, some women experience this outside of their relationship, by other members of their religious communities.
“Many are thrown into a spiritual and existential crisis, as they grapple to understand what has just happened to their life, who they committed to and the knock-on effects of who that makes them in this relationship, nay, ALL relationships.
“They are prone to question God’s presence in all this and can feel as betrayed by God as by their partner. Add to that some of the well-meaning, but misguided, advice of some professionals and ‘lay-helpers’ and you have a recipe for compounded trauma, confusion and terror for the partner.”
Betrayed Women In Trauma Should Not Be Treated As Crazy
“There is also the issue of the circumstances surrounding the discovery/disclosure of the issue. Most often this happens by discovery, the addicted partner is ‘found out’ by some means or another.”
“In the most dramatic of cases this can be after an arrest for illegal behavior which, of course, creates a significant crisis. Looks messy, doesn’t it! Tell me again how I’m supposed to tell this broken woman that she created this?
“Clearly, this is a very complex issue with a load of possible nuances, symptoms and responses. When written out like this, it is not hard to see why this condition is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed.
“A single, ‘cookie cutter’ approach to healing will never work for this diverse group of women, each bringing their unique selves to this experience. That is why you should expect an approach uniquely tailored to you.
Thank you for reading part two of this series on betrayal trauma. In the final segment of this series, Anne and the BTR Coach discuss the stages of healing from betrayal trauma. To read part three in this series, click here.
To schedule an Individual Session, click here. If you would like more information about what an Individual Session is like, read here.
To schedule a BTR Group Session, click here. If you would like to learn about experiences of other women in BTR Group sessions, read here.
I need your help !!
Go to btr.org/services to join the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group or schedule a support call.
I experienced my first ‘d-day’ over 25 years ago. Another maybe 15 years ago.Wondering if healing can happen after all this time since we are still married? Your podcasts are healing to listen to. Thank you.
Healing is possible. It’s a long road, but there is hope! I’m so glad you’re finding the podcasts to be helpful!
Wow, I can’t even really explain correctly how I feel reading this. It’s like you were there, and know him and I. I’m sad, confused and heartbroken. I need help.
Elizabeth, we recommend that you start by joining Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group for immediate support:).
I am a man. All of this applies to me. Why is the material addressing only women?
I’m so sorry about the pain you’re going through! We decided to focus our non-profit and site for women only, but you’re welcome to read and listen to the podcast!
Marc, Amen! I’m glad you spoke up. Tho I understand that their audience is women only. I recently spoke with my therapist because I’m concerned about men who are being betrayed and abused by women or being abused in same sexy relationships. What support is out there for men?
I recently brought up this the group that I’m a female, in a same sex relationship, and asked them if they would consider acknowledging that woman are abusers too. They brushed over my question, and suggested that I listen to their podcasts. Yes, the information is helpful, but it’s not just men who are abusive.
How can a woman feel “Safe and Secure” in a Betryal and Trauma recovery group when the group is unwilling to acknowledged that women are experiencing betrayal and abuse by another woman in same sex domestic relationships?
I understand your concern. Women can be abusive. But because abusers accuse their victims of abuse. So hearing someone accuse another woman of abuse is triggery for women. Was this in a professionally facilitated group or the free peer-to-peer facebook group?
I had a very significant dream just months before the 3rd discovery in my 32 years married. My husband, the addict, I discovered in a lie in Aug 2018. He is in weekly 12 step for the last 9 years. In “working” recovery, answering all my questions with lies straight to my face looking me in the eyes over the last 8 years. I’m so broken. Feel free to contact me via email.
I am divorced since last year and I still struggle with my own emotions. It mixes with anger, betrayal, guilt, sadness, and depression. I am taking bupropion daily to control my depression, attending consular session every Thursday, working out almost daily to exhaust myself physically, volunteering as much as I can to occupy my free time, but once I sit in the car driving, my tears just like a water hose open by itself and I can’t stop the crying. My ex cheated on me several time and somehow we worked it out each time and kept our marriage even though I threaten for a divorce. I used to think it is our destiny to stay together and have a child all this time. Until last year, I threaten for a divorce and moved out of the house because my anger and sadness, he DID file the paper after my signature. 2 months after, I realized what I have done and begged him to get back together for our son. He told me in face coldly that he is much happier now and he doesn’t want to go back. I broke completely in my heart and just want to sleep not getting up anymore. The pain is too much for me and I couldn’t take care of my son but hurting him emotionally. I want to move on and find myself again! I want to love my son unconditionally! But this pain and grief inside me are tearing me apart!!
Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you found us.
I have found this info absolutely amazing with one very strong caveat. My husband is not a sex addict he is a run of the mill alcoholic who has done an extensive amount of damage. Everything here describes far better than anything else what I am going through – far better than alanon or co-dependency so I am wondering why it only applies to a person whose husband is a sex addict and not an addict of any type? It effectively means that this type of help is unavailable to me and yet I need it so desperately….
This applies to anyone in an abusive relationship – which is sounds like you’re experiencing. So yes! We can help:).