I’m having a really bad day. Just when I think I’m feeling better and that everything is going to be ok the trauma hits, and the only thing that goes through my mind is that I want my husband back. I want him to come home. It’s been over a year since we separated, and still I ruminate on thoughts like, my husband hates me. Why does he hate me? My husband betrayed me. Why? 

He has the kids this week and it’s a beautiful, beautiful Fall day. I would give anything to be with my husband and children again as a family. I have these days sometimes (I’m still healing), where I wonder when I will be able to truly heal because right now I feel like the only way I could heal in this moment of trauma is if he repents, truly changes, and comes home to us.  And then the ruminating thoughts come back: My husband lies. My husband doesn’t love me. 

What Betrayal Trauma Recovery Sounds Like When Triggered

This whole year I’ve kept been faithful to my husband and to the commandments. I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted. I’ve gone to therapy, and I trust that God will heal me eventually. But right now, in this moment of trauma, the pain is so intense. I keep praying, “God, please, save my family. Please. I don’t want to get divorced. I don’t want my family to be separated like this.”

On a day like this a few months ago, I called one of my friends from group and I told her that I just want to tell him, that I just want to talk to him and be able to explain this to him. And she said, “Because of the mindset that he is in he’ll think it’s about how great he is, not how forgiving and loving and caring and what a wonderful person you are. And it will just set you up to be abused again and to be hurt again.” 

Holding Boundaries During Betrayal Trauma Recovery

It has been really hard to hold no contact this long. There have been nights where I just cling to the sheets on my bed – it’s so painful and so difficult. So right now I have faith. I’m having faith still hold my boundary – even though I don’t want to, even though I want to talk to him and explain to him these things. I have held my boundary for over a year. I’ve only had one conversation with him at a soccer game. It was so strange. He didn’t show any emotion, and as I cried he sort of patted me on the shoulder from a distance and brought up strange things that didn’t make sense.

And this didn’t in anyway indicate that he was safe or that he was changed or anything. It was just strange. He sent me a text once that said he couldn’t be what I wanted. I guess part of my problem is that I don’t believe that. I believe that who I want him to be is who God wants him to be. My God provides a way for people to obey the commandments. He provides a way for people to change. I believe that with all my heart. Because I believe that, it puts me in a very difficult position. To betray someone also means that you harm them and then you refuse to acknowledge the harm or try to repair it.

Hope During Betrayal Trauma Recovery

There are many people who say that people with a personality disorder or an addiction can never change. But I believe that through Christ anything is possible. So because I believe that so strongly and so completely, that just leaves this little thread of hope. Hope for him, hope for my family.

It’s become so painful for me to look out the window when he picks up our children. There’s no semblance of remorse. He just puts this mask on that he’s happy and he’s glad to pick up the kids. Even with people he interacts with there’s no semblance of remorse or sadness or understanding. It’s been so painful that I’ve had to stop looking out the window.

Most of the time I have God at my center and I feel peaceful, and I’m grateful for the experiences God has given me. But I decided to record today so you know what trauma sounds like. This is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to be abused, betrayed, and then abandoned. Abandoned by someone who made covenants with God and with me to stay. I know this is probably painful to listen to. I’m sorry.

I just know that there are so many of you out there who know what this feels like. And I’m sorry. But I know that God can heal us. As we work with an APSATS coach and join a support group, as we surrender to Him, as we attempt always and over and over again to get God in our center – and our addicted spouse who is creating chaos and who is abusing us out of our center – we will find peace. Days like this will come and they are very painful and someday, someday, we will be in a place where we don’t get triggered. Where we are at peace. 

Sometimes I think maybe it won’t be until the next life, but I think it will be in this life. And I just pray, Heavenly Father, please help us. There are those of us who have been hurt and are seeking healing. Please! Please come to us and heal us. I’m so worried about my husband’s salvation really. I truly love him and want the best for him.

I’m worried that what I see looks righteous and happy, but I know it’s just a mask. Because if he were truly righteous and happy he would not have broken his covenants, and I wouldn’t be in this situation. 

Part Of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Means Recognizing Victim Mode

This is what it sounds like to be in trauma. And now I’m going to go, I’m going to go do some self-care. I’m going to surrender. I’m going to ask God to come back in my center and have faith that if I do what he asks me to do, as I have been doing faithfully for over a year, that all things will be made right. And that my children and I will continue to have peace, happiness, and joy here in our home. 

Redesigned Betrayal Trauma Recovery Site

Thank you so much for being here with me during these difficult times. 

I’m so grateful for all the women who work with me. They are in trauma too and they share and they care. I’m so grateful to know them. 

We do need your donations. We have a lot of costs right now for the website, equipment, fliers, etc. We want to be able to keep this content coming to you and keep hope coming through the radio. 

Why I Started Betrayal Trauma Recovery

I don’t know what it was like in World War II, but I imagine that maybe a radio show like Little Orphan Annie kept people’s hopes up. I kind of envision myself like that sometimes…like this lone voice on the radio during this intense spiritual battle, coming to you through the internet, letting you know you’re not alone.

God loves you, and even though it’s hard to set boundaries and that you might be blamed for the destruction of your family, it’s better to set a boundary and be safe. God wants us to be safe. And He will hold our abusers and our betrayers accountable. But He wants us to forgive so that we can move on and be happy and have joy. That’s what he wants for us. I hope, I just hope, that the information that we give to you through btr.org will help you… that it will help me and that it will help all of us together. 

We’re all on this journey and this path together and we can rise triumphant. Thank you for those who have donated and those who have gone to iTunes and left a review. This helps more women find us and the information that they need. Keep coming back, it works when I work it and I am worth it. 

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